kingbrenthe

[kingbrenthe]

[kingbrenthe]

“I think you wanna be happy but you don’t know how. You’ve been torturing yourself for so long you don’t remember what it’s like to not be in pain, to not be sad. I think you don’t remember what it feels like to be happy anymore and the pain is the only thing making you feel alive.”

—

[kingbrenthe]

Family: So what are you going to do next in your life?

Me: *Trying not to let them see I don't plan on being around that long* Oh you know just going where life takes me

[kingbrenthe]

[kingbrenthe]

IF I ONLY KNEW I’D QUIT, I WOULDN’T HAVE LOVED YOU THIS MUCH.

Few years ago, I’d swear to myself that I’ll never listen to KPOP. I was always out of place because most of my friends loves KPOP so much. And whenever they talked about their group bias, I felt out of place. I’m just a KDRAMA fan back then. 

But one day, I found myself falling inlove with Monsta X, I remember I got to listen to White Love and find myself being interested with them. They are not hard to love. I remember falling inlove with Kihyun, and the days after I found myself giggling everytime I heard this deep voice rapping, which is our maknae Changkyun, then after getting to know them more. Jooheon their main rapper really got me head over heels with him. That’s when I found out that I was a rapline trash. I swear to myself back then that I will only stan Monsta X. That they are my first and last. 

Not until I was watching one of their Monsta X-ray episode when BTOB was a guest. I accidentally found myself watching more BTOB videos. They we’re so natural onstage and off stage. Their bond is like a real family. That’s when I realized that I became a Melody. I loved them even more because unlike any KPOP group that are a ballad group. And just a quick trivia, I was never into a banger songs, or dancy songs, I’m more like a ballad listener. Then Ilhoon their rapper captured my heart. He turned to be my ult out of all the rapper’s I stan because he can definetely sing, and he can write and produced songs. I camae to love BTOB so much, and became really attached with them. I told myself I’ll wait for them because currently every member is enlisting. I even plan to attend their 7TOB concert on Korea. 

While BTOB is on a hiatus, I got to click this one video with a KPOP group named Seventeen, they are composed of 13 embers, at first I was hesitant thinking they have more than 10 members. But I was in awe, I call them my synchronization kings, because they dance really good. And produced their own songs too! I came to love them even more because of their bond. I felt relieved knowing their still young and they don’t have to enlist too soon, I was hoping to see them on their concert next year here on the Philippines. But I guess that won’t happen anymore. 

To Monsta X, BTOB, Seventeen, 

Thank you I got to meet you, stan yoy, And for showing your talent to your fans, Thank you for creating music to inspire your fans, And making us happy. You made me happy when I was down, gave me hope and made me forget all I’m dealing with everyday. Thank you for showing us that we can love other peope even when we’re not related, Thank you I got to meet Nasi, Ky and Elle because of you <3 I’m quitting, but i’ll keep you in my heart forever, Those times I fan girl and sleep late because of you, I will never regret that. I’m proud to be a Monbebe, Melody and Carat. I hope you continue to be successful in the future.

To Jung Ilhoon, 

My main rapper, my ultimate bias. I love you so much, I won’t be able to send you off when you enlist. But I will always love you, You will always be my ult. You and I are so a like. Cold on the outside but soft like a tofu inside. You’re one of my main source of happiness. But I have to give you up now. Wishing you good health and happiness. 

From your former Monbebe, Melody and Carat.

[kingbrenthe]

[kingbrenthe]

it me

Me: *is depressed, anxious and self harms*

Me: *hangs out with friends and has a good time*

Me: Well :) I can’t possibly :) be depressed :) or anxious :) or have problems :) cause I had so much fun :) :) I probably was faking it :) :) 

Me, two hours later: *choking back sobs, slicing my arms* 

[kingbrenthe]

”Other times, I look at my scars and see something else: a girl who was trying to cope with something horrible that she should never have had to live through at all. My scars show pain and suffering, but they also show my will to survive. They're part of my history that'll always be there.“

—

[kingbrenthe]

i'm sorry for being a failure

Sorry dad, I know this isn’t what you wanted, but I’m not your perfect little princess. I’m not girly, I’m not happy and I want to die. I know I’m not what you want, you didn’t want a daughter with mental disorders but here I am. Dad, I’ll never tell you this unless it’s in my final note but I want to die, I am only still here because I don’t want to let you down more than I already have. I’m sorry daddy, but I want to die.

[kingbrenthe]

!suicide and self harm trigger warning!

every day on this cursed earth is a day that i get closer to suicide. the cuts in my skin are only a temporary solution. i need something permanent. i have nothing to live for. i cant do this

[kingbrenthe]

is it so bad of wanting to die at a young age?

[kingbrenthe]

i’m sorry but i’m already  on the edge 

I’ve slowly started giving up.

[kingbrenthe]

it me

[kingbrenthe]

blessed_reversal

[kingbrenthe]

/ / IF YOU CAN'T LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE I WILL SIT WITH YOU IN THE DARK / /

Opposite attracts, and I think that's one of the main reason why we are friends. We're completely opposite with each other yet we have our similarities. Our friendship we're unexpected. You like being alone by yourself. And I'm an extrovert. I never expected our friendship nor could I see how we would grow and learn from each other. And I think that made me realize that I'm lucky to be friends with you. You probably won't see this but, thank you for deciding to join me on this crazy journey we call life. And most importantly thank you so much for opening yourself up to me and allowing me to be a part of your life. I know how I always say I wish you came into my life sooner, but now that I think about it, you came at the perfect time. I truly believe that God puts people in your life for a reason and at just the right time. You came when I needed you the most. I was going through a difficult time in my life and didn’t really have anyone to turn to. But you were there and welcomed me in with open arms. You have always been there whenever I needed someone to talk to. You give me advice when I need it. You support and believe in me in everything I do. You let me rant and complain when something or someone is bothering me. You even just sit in silence with me when I can’t form any words. You always tell me your honest opinion. And most importantly, you always tell me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear.

You deserve the world, yet somehow I don’t think you always see that. But I want you to know, I often find my own self wondering what I did to deserve you. You taught me what a soulmate really is, and I wouldn’t be able to survive without having you in my life. You come in to people’s lives with a purpose and you change them. But you’re not only what everyone else around you needs. You’re all that you need. Because you are so much stronger than you have even begun to realize. You’re honest and caring. You’re hilarious and intelligent. You’re strong and compassionate. You’re beautiful, and you’re fucking powerful. Please never let any single person come in to your life and make you believe that you ever have to be more of anything because you’re already more than all of us combined. And I know you will never see yourself in the way that I have written here, but just know that I see it in you every single day. It’s why you deserve the world.

I look forward to our future adventures, future coffee sesh and the memories we will make. And no matter where life takes us, I will always be here for you like you have been there for me.

[kingbrenthe]

How I wish someone would notice how damaged I'am. How unhappy I'am but no one even seems to care about me and I'm used yo it. I guess I just have to deal with this on my own.

[kingbrenthe]

As what I used to call you Ruth Shawarma, Looking back I never knew that you would be one of the most important people in my life that I wouldn't wanna lose. I remember you are the youngest of us, you are so quiet and shy. We barely talk. Soon you have your own group of friends which I know you love the most back then. I felt happy, because I know back then that you feel uncomfortable with us. And I don't want you to be involve into some bullshits because you we're so pure and innocent for me. TV production was one of my favorite subject ever. That led me on gaining friends that I never expected that never left. We have so much fun memories together and rough times. But you never left. To my dongsaeng, my favorite singer, my shawarma buddy that soon became my food (chicken) buddy and clothes shopping buddy! I hope you're healing. I hope you're doing good now. I hope you're happy. Because it hurts me to see you hurting. You are not just a friend to me, you are my little sister from another mom that I always feel grateful of having. I'm always proud of all of your achievements in your life. I'm happy to how you grow into a person. And what you've become now. And I'm Please know that 'ate brends' will always be here for youuuu. Please. Please always be happy. Xx