kinghenrythe3rd

[kinghenrythe3rd]

Buffalo ‘66, Vincent Gallo (1998)

[kinghenrythe3rd]

It's a laughing matter

I'm as mad as the hatter

It's been years since the brain wasn't in a scatter

I used to be fatter

Not as fat as Chris

but moons ago I didn't look like this

you get the jist

there's just parts of me that I miss

like the way I used to feel when I gave her that first kiss

she gave me a glimpse

cleared out the fog and mist

said "you're gonna be number one on my list"

and since that day I still cry by her side

grasped my hands tight and said it'll be alright

"You still have to fight, don't weep in the night"

I picked my head up and looked in her eyes

I jumped over the lump in my throat and said

"I think you're right"

-H.Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

In a state of breeze

Injection by dreams

something to silence the screams

once it arrives, I'm free

-H. Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

The concept of happiness troubles me. I find that the simplest answer that most people have given when asking, “what do you want out of life” is usually a basic list of everyday desires, and all of them end with wanting to just be happy or acquiring these things to attain happiness, and what troubles me is that hollow feeling of possibly existing without happiness to the point where it’s on our list of things to find throughout the duration of our lifetime and to dwell with it as long as possible before our unavoidable deaths. Or maybe that’s just me.

[kinghenrythe3rd]

I still ache

like the empty stomach

like the tooth

like the midnight hiccup

like the endless, hollow pit

I ache

And soon I will break

-Henry Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

I'm back

and I think I'm ready to write again..

[kinghenrythe3rd]

Between the hours of midnight and dawn

My father said he was angry that he couldn’t help me I was fading away inside and it was clear to everyone around me I woke close to midnight and stood still until sunrise I rearranged a few things to feel different.

it didn’t work

What lights that glare don’t glare right they don’t have your skin to reflect off of at night So I turn over and close my eyes I wiggle around to pretend you are by my side the silence can be loud so I always keep a noise somewhere around this chamber

Eye contact stabbing soft breath look at me and let’s see the end together let’s go for a ride slowly blink and let a smirk spill fro your mouth. tinkling piano hands over my eyes the sun rises and the glimpse dissipates now I’m trying to cover all the empty spaces in my bed with my arms and legs I turn over to see the light coming through the shades

the sun is supposed to rise but I don’t see it rise lately unless I keep my eyes open for two days otherwise I just miss it I wake in twilight and rest in darkness there is barely any light in My life these days so I just wait until I keep my eyes open for a few days or more I’m afraid to close my eyes now so I won’t.

I walked the streets at dawn I could tell how humid it was when I touched my skin Two voices followed me the whole time One was a whisper and the other was barely a voice barely any use of vocal chords like a low hum They quarreled behind me between themselves I walked into the store and groaned When I came outside The sun was peaking out behind a haze that was casted up over the mountains It was blood red and hesitant

“We like the bad ones because we know what they are about. Maybe that’s why he engulfed himself in such unsavory individuals, because he knew he can be a certain way around them and that was it and so could they. They were dishonest and low and that’s all that was expected of them. That’s why we have a hard time with those with good, wholesome intent. It requires removal of all barriers and walls, full exposure of the tender insides, and that’s when anything can happen. That’s when hurt can happen.”

I returned to my room. The minute I stepped inside, the two voice faded out and vanished. I turned out all the lights and hid under the blanket. It was morning, and I should be sleeping.

There is filter over my room like the kind of filter you put over a picture. This filter is called “nightmare” I dreamt all day about all my insecurities including abandonment and slow death If I was a young boy, I’d be on my way to school right now, ready to learn, eager for recess and seeing my friends only worrying about bed time and how I hated having to go to bed. This thought made me weep. I could see the little boy version of myself In the corner of my current room. He stood there wondering why i was crying I told him he will soon know why around this time, I should be falling asleep, even though it’s eight in the morning This is when I should sleep but I am awake I don’t have a bedtime anymore.

-Henry Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

her limbs stretch from this end of the night to the other I lie awake with her elbow in my side and foot over my thigh I'm alone most nights I don't feel as alone when she rests beside me flailing under my blanket moving like she's making snow angels in her dreams I laid where she usually lays It was awry and unfamiliar she can dream anywhere she lays her head i am unable to rest my eyes I face her still body and fiddle with her nose with my pinky finger I write notes on paper and stick them to her forehead I nudge her to see what she'll do I am like a child in these moments In these moments I am less bothered, not as alone, even though I lie awake and alone -Henry Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

The Fourth Day

I heard a cluster of noises. yelling, mumbling, endless chatter, weeping, and the sound of traipsing feet across hard, dirty floors. I was curled in a ball on a cracked leather recliner with a number spray painted on the side and covered by a thin hospital blanket. I poked my head out to see rows and rows of recliners in a building that looked like a school cafeteria. I could see the tops of heads, some had sleep spots, some were looking around and twitching. I looked towards the door and saw two big tables with nurses and a couple security guards. Every few minutes, a nurse would yell out a name and a zombie-like occupant of the many recliners would walk over, wrapped in blanket, droopy eyed and would sit at the table, get their vitals checked and exchange words with the nurses. This went on for hours. I could no longer sleep, despite the medication I vaguely remember taking earlier in the morning. There were no windows or clocks, so I had no grasp on the time or what day it was. I could have been here for hours, days, weeks. I didn’t know at that moment, which sent me into a slight panic that woke me up. I got up in an ill fitting hospital two piece and grey socks with grip on the bottom. I tried to talk to the nurses, and before I could finish, she asked my name abruptly. When I told her, she responded, “Don’t come up here until you name is called!” I leaned to the security guard and asked if there was a bathroom. “Yeah, its right there, but be sure to knock because there are no locks on the doors. Don’t want to walk in on someone shitting.” He said. I went inside to take a piss and wash my face. I returned to my recliner and they were passing out sandwiches. They looked like leftovers from prison. An older man sitting next to me, who didn’t seem well, asked me if he could have my sandwich. I handed it to him and put the blanket over my head. I listened to the noise as it seemed to get louder and more chaotic. I could here a man screaming and ripping his blanket from across the room. He was demanding that he was released immediately. The security grabbed him and took him to another room where a nurse followed. How did I get here and why can’t I leave? I kept the blanket over my head, trying to piece together whatever happened to get me here. I couldn’t think straight and everything was foggy. Chaos began to erupt as various individuals became impatient and unstable. I couldn’t blame them. I tried my hardest to keep my sanity so I didn’t lose it like them and end up prolonging my stay in this place. I could feel pain and confusion rising in me like stomach acid. The fear of being trapped in some medical building was grasping every inch of my body. I had figured out that I was in a mental hospital of some sorts and I was brought here by the police. I wasn’t able to leave until the nurses cleared me. I sat up in my cold sweat-covered recliner and looked around. I had to remain clam, despite the mental explosions going on around me, like grenades blowing up on a battle field. For a brief moment, I went under my blanket again, which was my only safe place at the moment, and began to weep as quietly as I could. I could hear my tears pattering against the leather of the chair. My heart was pounding fast and I began falling apart under this poorly woven blanket. I heard a figure approach me. He asked if I was ok, but I didn’t respond. I could tell he was also a patient. A couple more hours had passed and the room became quiet. I assumed it was evening and everyone had gone to sleep. I looked around and saw no movement. The nurses and security guards were still in the same spot, talking to patients one by one. I had prayed my turn would be next. At this point, I knew I had done something bad and that’s why I was here. I began to sink from within myself. A deep depression that I was far too familiar with began to lump up in my throat like a pill. My mind began scattering to all the places it shouldn’t have been. I began weeping again and wondering when I would leave this timeless void. In the midst of my frantic feelings, I noticed a very large, Native American girl that was walking around with her blanket tied behind her back like a cape. She was humming and seemed very happy. Perhaps she was a bit more unstable in the head and didn’t really care about her exterior surroundings. None of my pain or dread subsided, but I kept my eyes on her. In this moment of pure torment that I was withering from on the inside, she confidentially stands up on her recliner and begins to sings. I was suddenly brought to an alarming ease when she started singing a favorite song of mine by Prince. She held nothing back and belted the song like she was auditioning for something. “Baby, baby, baby! Is it him or is it me? Don’t make me waste my time. Don’t make me lose my mind, baby!” Tears were still falling from my eyes from the recent shamble, but I cracked a smile and felt calm for that moment, as this unknown girl began disrupting an entire auditorium full of sleeping mental cases. I didn’t care, I wanted her to keep singing, and she did. My mind wandered to the moment I heard that exact song performed live by prince himself. I could feel a strange sense of hope that I couldn’t explain, I felt like I could make it out of here, and as foolish or nonsensical as it may sound, it was the truest moment I had experienced in awhile. I closed my eyes and kept listening. Suddenly, a nurse yelled at her and told her to keep quiet. My moment was ruined, but right as that moment was ended another started, and it started with my name being yelled from across the hall. I jumped up and walked to the nurses table. “Mr. Carrillo, we’ve reviewed your files and you had stated yesterday in the hospital that you had a medication issue, is that correct?” I didn’t remember saying anything like that, but I said yes anyway. “Ok, well, since you don’t seem like a danger to yourself or anyone anymore, we are gonna refer you to the united psychiatric facility downtown where you can get your meds sorted. Now, you need to call someone to come get you, or we can give you a bus pass.” I had my cell phone in the bag where all my belongings were. I asked if I could charge my phone and call someone. They led me to a room and one of the ladies sat with me while I waited for my phone to start up. A clock ticked above me. 7:34pm. It was no where near bed time, but I still didn’t know what day it was. I made a call to the only person I knew I could count one. I asked the nurse where I was. “You’re at community mental health facility.” I called my friend Taylor and gave him the whole situation. “You're at that place?!” He said. “That place sucks. I was there a few months ago. I’ll be there in 15 minutes” I hung up the phone and began getting dressed. When I was arrested, I didn’t have a shirt on, but I had everything else. Shoes, pants, socks. The lady who brought me to this office opened a box full of clothes and handed my an extra large, aqua blue polo shirt. It hung on me like a bed sheet. I felt and looked foolish, but I was leaving and that was good enough for me. They lead me to a waiting room where I sat for several minutes, awaiting my ride to show up. I felt another wave of sadness come over me, but it was also followed by a severe exhaustion, as if I had gone through a marathon of episodes and blackouts. I felt shame and heaviness, because I knew there were also consequences on the outside that awaited me. My friend,Taylor, arrived and signed me out, he hugged me and made some joke about my shirt. We began walking out and I looked back at the door that led to the cafeteria. It made me shudder. I could feel many emotions and a great sense of relief. The door swung open and a wave of evening heat hit me all over. I stopped on the sidewalk and looked into the horizon. I could see explosions of glistening fireworks scattering through the sky. Bright colors of orange, green, red, purple were glowing against my strained face. My eyes began to water as I felt the warm air against my body and the sounds of the fireworks busting in my ears. They flew up in the sky everywhere around me and crackled all over. I laughed while wiping my tears. “What day is it?” “It’s the 4th of July, man” I stood a bit longer, in awe of the imagery and beauty of the night sky being lit up by fiery, neon glory. I got in the car and as we drove away, I kept my head against the the car window, watching the endless fireworks being emitted from all around me. It was Fourth of July and I felt free.

-Henry Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

On my way to get you Whether it's soon or far I'll be on my way l come like a thief in the night like the lord chasing his church I will be as mighty as the rapture if not worse and I will strike the ground and you will quake before me behold, I come quickly and when I do I will snatch you faster than death can i am en route towards your warmth until then I shiver -Henry Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

We never met but we hated each other from the start I heard of you and you of me I heard your voice once over the telephone and my stomach turned violently Now we don't hate each other anymore I think you could have been an artist or maybe a damn good writer if you channeled yourself properly but you didn't now you're not here for me to hate anymore On rare occasions you still cross my mind like a faint memory or a hollow whisper I say "You bastard, you old dog" In my mind You were a madman and broken just like me but you decayed within yourself and passed a point of no return now rest if you can there is no time left for us to hate each other anymore -Henry Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

BYOL (bring your own light)

Don't romanticize the suffering it may be unique or different but avoid it if you can don't drown on purpose Stay above the swell float for as long as possible don't dabble like I did Wait calmly for everything the darkness is not for everyone And just because it's my home It doesn't mean it should be yours too. I talk to myself too often I tell myself let's get it right If you come down this way in your life don't forget to bring your own light there are gentle flickering bulbs here but they are almost out This place is no where so I won't expect to see you But if I do bring your own light it won't shine bright and it won't shine long but bring it anyways. You'll need it when all hope is gone When death is about to embrace you When you are about to see the end of everything When you are on the ledge with the gun to your head lying on the bed with no strength left Let's get it right bring your own light -Henry Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

Finally going back on all my psych meds. These last couple months have put me on the brink of pure insanity and self destruction. Excited to be a better version of myself again. Hopefully it won't effect my writing. Also, I've received poetry publication for the 6th time for the spring issue of a literary magazine. Check it out

[kinghenrythe3rd]

An Honest Letter

The past 6 months have been incredibly defining and quite eye opening, and not in the best way. After a period of complete loneliness, and not by choice, I was able to examine myself in a way that I was unable to do. I laid myself on the table and sifted through every good and bad apart about myself. I saw my decision making and the effects of my actions that it had on others around me. I can now see how broken I was but I was also aware of how vile I was being, but perhaps I wasn't willing to see that part of myself at the time. A life that I once had was taken severely for granted and specific people in that life I had were extremely taken advantage of and taken for granted. I now cringe and become sick to my stomach when I think back on certain points of my life and the person I used to be. I emphasize on that part where I say "who I used to be" I won't sit here and write about how I'm a different person or try and convince anyone that I've changed my ways or straightened up. The bottom line is, I'm still a damaged person on the inside and I let those damaged and flaws explode like dynamite in every aspect of my life. A few months of perspective and realizations and it truly made me want to improve who I was, and I saw that if I was going to improve for anyone, it should have always been for myself first. I was a person to beg and swear to another that i will change for that person I was begging to, but when have I ever got on my hands and knees and begged myself to give myself a second chance, if that makes sense? I never got to that point where I was seeing myself as the problem who was ruining my own life ultimately. I don't claim to be a new man, I never will be a new man and I think that's where self improvement fails people. Much like christians, when they become saved, the denounce and erase the person that they used to be, but if it was not for that journey, the mistakes, the flaws, and the mishaps, they would not arrive to that moment of despair where they realize the true, horrific reality about themselves, which means they would never need self-deliverance in the first place and they go about their life in a normal way. Many terrible things have happened to me in my life and on top of that I was diagnosed with a genetic mental disorder that was common on my maternal side. I often used these things as scapegoats to excuse all my actions or behaviors. Yes, there were many episodes that were triggered and set off. by certain things that are related to my issues, but then there were straight up regular mistakes and idiotic decisions and adventures that were just made out of poor decisions and choices. I've gotten myself into many incidents that were just created out of carelessness and reckless behavior. Then there were some out of selfishness and ignorance. Since September of 2016, I've walked through deep, murky valleys that only I had to go through in order to truly see what I was and who I was. Many of these things were kept hidden and behind closed doors, which most didn't even get to see, but behind the closed doors, I was deconstructed and completely broken into pieces, trying to put it all together the right way so I would get it correctly the next time around. I try not to live with regret, but after this extensive self examination, I am consumed with many chapters of regret, many places where I could have went left instead of right, said no instead of yes, gave attention where it was needed but ignoring everything around me instead. Around this time, I was deemed an awful person and a very undesired young man by quite a few people. I was even unwanted by myself. Now, I am in a completely different chapter where the pages have turned and I am a decent length down this rugged road that I trudged through. I am well aware of all my downfalls and mistakes and I vow to myself, and only myself, that I can't ever be perfect but trying to be the best version of myself isn't that hard at all, and that's where I'm kicking myself. I could have been a better Henry in many areas of my life, but for some reason that I can't seem to wrap my mind around, I decided against that. So now I am left with rubble and wreckage of a contaminated past that was poisoned by me. There are people who may or may not read this but they know who they are if they do come across this post, but I want all those around me to know that that you saw someone but what's different now is that I saw him too and what a lousy person he was. I made no changes, I just grew out of that season, that episode and version of who I was and I hope that one day my growth will metaphorically place a bandage on the wounds that I caused to those who were once close to me. I understand why some have completely distanced me from their personal lives, and I agree with those decisions. I'll never ask anyone to change that decision, I'll never ask for another chance. I think my goal of this post is to let those know that i side with you when you found disgust and exhaustion in my every day trials that I presented, I get that. A learning process, it was. I don't excuse anything, but I am in the process of trying to forgive myself for getting to an awful low, a cold rock bottom that was surrounded by distorted thinking, out of control nature, heavy drinking, recklessness, etc. I will add that I am proud of finding the ability to examine what I was and finding the right path to get away from who I used to be. The road to progression and growth never ends, so I must never stop walking down that path. I don't know what lies at the end of this path in life but all I know is that I have to put things behind me and continue down the road of life and hope that I can learn from all the wrongs I have done and finally take those golden opportunities to do what was right or what was needed. I have a home, with only My father, I am his full time care taker and many other things have happened in between these days and weeks but most of all, it is teaching me the most brutal lesson in being selfless. I no longer think about myself, henry, in a selfish way. I put others first, I put other's happiness and needs before me and I think that in and of itself is a great deal of progress. But it doesn't end there.. It never ends, it only grows until I can reach the best version of myself. This is an open letter to a few people and I'm sure they know that this applies to them. No need for response or reconciliation, just my desperate urge to truly pour out my honest feelings and clearest realizations. I'll never stop chasing the person I hope to be one day. -Henry Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

The sun was beating down during this unusually cool day. I was laying backside on a slab of concrete underneath an oak tree. The leaves danced above me. some fell around my hands the only thing I could trust in this world was the moments like these I hoped dying was as peaceful as this. beams of light crept through every crevasse that the branches gave way to. I fell into a pit of reverie drifting in dreams with my eyes wide open, in a trance-like state. I felt my insides weeping with joy everything within danced in serenity. All I needed was a slab of concrete and a tree hanging over me at dusk. For these moments make me whole again. -Henry Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

Everything in my mind is pure and angelic but in the realm of my mind there is no translation for the words to describe. I remain a foreigner trapped in my own body, like a lost tourist. -Henry Carrillo III

[kinghenrythe3rd]

Never let a junkie find religion If he wasn't bad on dope, he'll be terrible when he or she is jacked up on Jesus. The user denounces his past and who he once was, claiming he is new but it was his travels and rough roads that made him who he was at that very moment, with or without the church. the Jesus addiction makes them want to erase the journey. These thoughts came over me as I sat silently during an Easter Sunday service at the church I used to attend. The offering basket passed over me and I slipped a rolled up dollar into it. I didn't believe in the lord, but that didn't mean I didn't support the church. The church, to me, was like an opium den. Like opium users, these church goers take any chance to dwell in the house of the lord for days on end. I sometimes think that God was invented to dull reality, so that way, when the man or child or woman gets cancer or dies in a tragic car accident, they can put their pain in the will of God and proclaim it was all in his timing and that was how it was supposed to be. If you were sick, God made you sick because he was humbling you. A man said God took my aunt away because he trying to teach us a lesson that we need to love those around us while we have them, but from my observation, my aunt and her family had very poor health, eating habits, and overweight bodies. I think we do this all to ourselves. So, instead of the junkie running the streets at night, Injecting dope into his veins, he's in church running the aisles, praising and cramming his/her brain with the word of god, trying to walk the straightest path. I guess that's better than a street vagrant, right? So build more churches and temples. The world is so deep in darkness and turmoil that there isn't really a chance to turn things around, so take the edge off with some pills, a shot of morphine, excessive yoga, Jesus, food, sex, gambling, and what have you. don't waste time suffering all the time. -Henry Carrillo III