kkkaye

[kkkaye]

healing...

120519 ; 17:37

for a long time up until now, im still denying that im depressed. this feeling i felt since 9th grade and now im on 11th grade. it's still there.. last october, i did a very bad thing to myself. i overdosed myself with medications and it was so fcking absurd. i wanted to die but i failed. i realized how life precious is. i was brought to the hospital and was hospitalised for almost 4 days. my family didnt have any idea. i was okay. as what they think i am. they asked why i did that and i myself don't know too even today. i still feel so down. my feelings of wanting to be gone is back. i want to scream and tell someone but im afraid. afraid of what they're going to think. i know im just being dramatic but i was diagnosed with major depressive disorder or clinical depression but until now, i still think it's fake. i still see myself as a liar who wants attention. i lost my will to get up every morning. i forgot what i used to love. im very confused. i still think im okay though. i still think my feelings are fake. but im doing my best to get rid of this mindset and focus on healing myself. im in a process of healing. i dont like this part of me. i want to love myself genuinely.

[kkkaye]

my blogs are not wholesome. i made this account to rant. and im here again to rant.

my parents are separated and im so engri i cant describe my feelings aAaaAaaAa

[kkkaye]

120118 | 19:56

i cant stop listening to this song. like fvck. ariana is indeed a queen. omg!!

c.

[kkkaye]

CHRISTMAS!!!!

113018 | 17:00

gosh im so excited for christmas. i love christmas sooooo sooooo muchhhhh!!!! cant wait for presents!!! esp christmas break!! the icecreams and chickens, the cool breeze of christmas nights, the pleasing christmas songs, my hooman frens, and everything!! advance happy birthday Jesus Christ, my lord and savior!! ho ho ho 😭🎄

[kkkaye]

102518 | 22:54

my childhood manga, gakuen aliceeee. when i first saw this i was in third grade. i was 8 years old, this was one of my favorite animes aside from school rumble, rozen maiden (gosh i miss those animes) then when i learned how to read manga from my sister i started reading it on manga, at first i was so lazy so i skipped many parts because the manga was like 100+ chapters. i skipped to those natsume x mikan parts hehehe. until 2016 when the manga was finished. i havent read the whole story but i understood it due to some research ;-; gakuen alice was one of the reason why i seem like so high. bc damn NATSUME IS MY FIRST CRUSH!!! And i was so inspired when my sis said i act like Mikan and i was so damn happy and started to act more like mikan what i mean by more is that i really copied her personality and hairstyle HAHA. and i still remembered when i transfered school on 6th grade, i had no friends so i announced to my classmates that i know how to speak japanese, and then i started reciting gakuen alice’s opening song and i gained friends in an instant HAHAHA. i was so witty. on 7th grade i switched schools again and i was still wearing the pigtails like mikan and my friends call me mikan HAHAHA. but then my classmates started to bully me bc of my personality and hairstyle and that was the first time my self turned out so sad. i didnt want to go to school that time bc i was bullied, i tried to be positive ofc but then i realized im not living in the anime world and i should stop acting like an anime girl bc reality is different. good thing on 8th grade i was not bullied again bc they werent in my class anymore and i was thankful bc they apologized, ofc i forgave them bc im kind HAHAHA but i stopped acting like mikan tho. and then i reread gakuen alice from 1-180 and i looooove it stilllll like i wish natsume was real!!! until now im in 10th grade i reread it again im still inlove HAHAHA

i think i have read gakuen alice for like a hundred times now, i swear. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

[kkkaye]

102218 | 22:14

SHIT. im feeling so anxious and i dont even know why like my body feels so suddenly weak and my breathing is not normal. my heart starts to beat faster. i feel so anxious my hands are sweating af. im just reading mangas and listening to some relaxing songs but dude why am i suddenly acting like this. im panicking for no fucking reason. i need help.

[kkkaye]

102018 | 14:56

Today is another lazy day. Saturday. It’s my first day of my free-week. I know I will just lay on my bed and do nothing just like what I always do every weekend. I want to go out but my mom won’t let me, like waiiii. wai cant I go out and enjoy like a normal teenager, Im always locked on my room ): it’s so sad. I’m so emo. I wanna have a sleepover with my bestfriends and watch horror films all night and scream like shit!! but anyways, me with mah ipad laying on my bed all day with a water bottle in a dimmed room with a strong fan wearing pajamas is okay. I’m used to this loOooOooOL maybe later I will go to the kitchen and prepare some milktea and eat nutella. just maybe HmmMm

[kkkaye]

101918 | 22:29

I just finished my hell week. I’m done with my projects, I’m done with my exam. The semester is done and it’s sem-break! I’m supposed to be happy, I was SoOoOOoOoOoo fvcking positive earlier. I was even planning to visit my cousin and nephew and be friends with them again bc we haven’t talked for awhile due to some family issues. I Had ThIs vvvvv HugE ConFideNcE nOt unTiL my MotHEr Had A fIght wIth Her BroThEr aKA my Uncle AkA mY cOusIn’s FatHEr. Damn, can’t they just be fvcking mature? I’m so mad because my bestfriends were fighting too because of a stupid reason. I just want peace, I know it’s really hard to achieve it because people have different thoughts about things but can’t they just grow up and do something to solve the problem. I’m so done with building walls around myself. Aren’t they too? Their pride is growing bigger every single day. I understand if they are hurt but can’t they resolve it? Yes they can’t, nOT UNLESS THEY LOWER THEIR PRIDE. Fighting with someone is such an ugly thing. I love my mom so much, I really do but her mind is just tooooo shallow. She’s very close minded and I hate it. Whatever she thinks of something, she thinks that it’s the truth or she’s correct WHEN SHE’S FREAKING NOT. We all tried to correct her but SHE WONT LISTEN IM SO MAD AND TIRED WHY IS SHE LIKE THAT? I know she had been through alot but didn’t she learn anything from her experience? She wants us siblings not to fight each other but she, herself, is not a good example. The way she acts towards her siblings is like teaching us how to build a grudge against eachother. Is that even right? Why cant everybody just move on from the past..? why cant they? it’s hard but trying is never a bad idea. why not choose to be happy instead of living a life so angry? im just expressing myself because im so tired with every negative things in life. I know these are all trials, we can solve this but right now, im so down. my depression is not that triggered and i dont want to. im so tired of being tired. im so tired of being depressed. i want a change. but too bad the world’s not only revolving around me. im a terrible person.

[kkkaye]

101318 | 02:14

JIMINNIEEEEE~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY. OMG YOU’RE ALREADY 24 IN KOREA.i love you so damn much even though last 2016 when i was still that “immature” fan and that i replaced you with taehyung just because of my sister who showed me a fan made video of you and seulgi. i was soOoOoOoO fvcking immature. but then after a few months i couldn’t choose a bias because all of you are just so pErfEcTt. but jimin aside from jin always wreck my bias list even though i dont really have one.

Jiminie~ i hope you will be enjoying your day, please don’t tire yourself too much. take care always, ne? i hope you and jungkook will be dating today hehe. jk. but anyways, we (armys) wish you the happiest birthday! thank you for the songs that you’ve written for us. thank you for making us smile. thank you for making our teenage life memorable. thank you for teaching us how to love ourselves. you’ve become a big part of ourlives. i purple you park jimin. 💜

[kkkaye]

101018 | 01:44

so yes, hello this is my introduction and i know all of you dont care about my existence on earth but im invading your lives anyways.

so my name is kaylah, im 15 and im currently on 10th grade. the picture i used above is when i was on 9th grade. harhar. im so bored with my life i want to start posting on tumblr. i dont really like posting on my facebook account because i kind of have a social problem, i mean i have this anxiety that i couldnt get rid off while i try to post something so instead of posting there, i might just post my shits here. i dont want to post on twitter also because i dunno even. i hope i could make some friends here. im a verrrrryyyyyy big fan of jikook and ofcourse im an army but sometimes i hate the fandom because bts is becoming more popular day by day and new fans are born. SOME armys are just soooooo immatures like they couldnt even get a single joke. i want to choke them. it actually rhymed. but i love bts anyways. jimin and jungkook are dating i can sense it. dont argue with me, i respect ur ship huehue.

OMG do u notice each paragraphs stars with a ‘so’ so weird. anyways, it’s currently 1 am. i usually sleep at this time sometimes at 3 or sometimes not at all. im kind of a night person. i have classes tomorrow but i dont really care coz y not. life’s short yknow. im currently reading again gakuen alice for like 1929383781x already and i still cant move on from that story like wtfluck what did this manga do to meh. the other animes i have watched doesnt have the effect like this one, liek i was still on 2nd grade since i start watching gakuen alice and i was still on 5th grade when the manga ends, and now that im on 10th grade im still reading this?!?!?! i love my life, but sometimes i dont. its hard. i just want to be mikan sakura. ayee AND I LOVE NATSUME HYUUGA OMG I WISH HE WAS REAL LIKE I WOULD DIE IF I MEET HIM. JK, I’d MaRrY HiM oFcOursE. im a hoe.

i love you guys. if u have time please watch my shitty videos at my youtube channel ( kayesthetic ky )

i know it’s shitty fufufu.