kmsjustasecret

[kmsjustasecret]

Grief is strange, isn't it? For someone who has never had an opportunity to grieve . To never be close to anyone who has died to first experience it in the most tragic way. It's heartbreaking to watch. The problem with your grief is something strange. The grief of never meeting. Never holding. Only dreaming of what could of been. You had their whole future planned. Teaching them to ride bikes and cars, to read and to write. Telling them you love them every second , to kiss their booboos, to rock them to sleep. What school they will go to, first date jitters, first school dances and long talks about life, Proms and weddings never yet experienced. It's heartbreaking to watch and never knowing the right words to say. I'm sorry for your loss, or next time, it will be different. But all i can think of is that I'm sorry your dream is taking longer.

Grief is a strange thing. I'm sorry this is how you get to experience it for the first time.

No one will understand this grief unless they had this grief before. And all they can do is say sorry for your loss, and there's always be next time. And all I can feel is guilt as if I spoke it into existence by saying maybe wait til 12 weeks before you announce it. I know I should have shown my support and congratulations. I wonder why I couldn't just do that. It was almost like I was making a proficiency that could have happened, and now that it has, I wonder if you could ever forgive me.

Grief is a strange thing for death, which has followed me my whole life. I have experienced grief from a young age. I was born near a holiday remembering the loss at my families church. I grew up watching the elderly and young die from a young age. I still mourn for you and the child you loved so dearly yet never met. For grief is a very strange thing, and guilt is even worse.

I will mourn for your child until my breath is gone, and with time, maybe your dream will come true.

[kmsjustasecret]

So my depression song for this week was thèrèse by Maya Hawke

And now I'm obsessed shocker lol

So I'm legit dived as deep as I can down this rabit hole because my obsessions lead to this, especially when I'm going through a depressive state and want to feel social without being social because then I become a burden or whatever my darkest thoughts say ain't that cool that's why I'm on a dying obsession and a dying website just sharing thoughts but anyway Thèrèse by Maya Hawke

I don't think it's post to be a depressing song but it what I'm crying to so whatever it's my depression song rn and 2 songs of noah Kahan maybe 3 but we will get there in a different post or maybe not idk yet lol

It's about this painting u can see at the met in NYC the painting is very pedo honestly it's called "Thèrèse Dreaming"

It's a girl who is legit probably like a 11 or twelve sitting weird and it show her underwear and people justification of it is legit this is how little girls sit which I'm sorry it looks uncomfortable but whatever

The painting is described through this song and anyway

I just love how the artist compares herself Thèrèse through this song

It happens alot through out song in the first verse Thèrèse might be dreaming of getting out of this town and since of times Horse were common and while she might of dreaming of the same thing but with Shelby Cobra

"Dreamin’ of an Appaloosa

Saddled up, ridin’ out of town

Dreamin’ of a Shelby Cobra

Diggin’ her tires in the ground"

In the second verse at the dreaming of boy obviously probably named changed or whatever and there in another town or place but still a universal feeling of being in love with someone maybe not boy who knows just going off to new places the lyrics lol

"She dreams of Marlon in Austin

Their bodies tangled in a net

She thinks of him every so often

When she feels like a space cadet"

Then this pre chorus *chef kiss*

"She empathizes with your feelings

She's more interested in the ceilings"

I think what she trying to say is both sides on this controversy like some people don't see the beauty in Thèrèse's Dreams but other people do

The third verse is legit confirming this that she sees herself as thèrèse and is my favorite verse

^She reminds me of memories

Sleeping off the growing pains

We were see anemones

Spelling out each others names

Whispering inside our red house

While the adults were a-sleeping

I guess Thérèse is just for me

A quiet I keep on keeping"

But then favorite part of the song pre chorus before we get the final chorus is

"Thérèse does not belong to you

The horses, cars, and cowboys do"

Which in a strange way I think saying even though it is controversial the painting she still finds some comfort in it and see it's beauty and mystery of Thèrèse's Dreams and what it meant to be dreaming in that way as teenager or preadultence way where anything is/was possible and how we will never get that back and Thèrèse might not belong to some people who can't see that since of wonder or understanding but they can have everything else

And sorry, but honestly, I just wanted to mentally talk and think about it in a way out loud cause I keep thinking about it, and it's what's preoccupied my mine

So, if u see this post, go get some fresh air and drink some water and ig go put this song repeat or don't go live ur best life or take nap whatever floats ur boat

[kmsjustasecret]

I'm so manically depressed

I keep having this nightmare where I xxxxxxx myself

Ever since these dreams I legit deleted all my social medias and trying to be happy but this constant wave of anxiety keeps coming over me and then anger and numb then extremely happy then extremely angry then anxiety then sad then numb constant circle

I don't want to die I think...

Dont get me wrong I think of it alot but I have to many things I want to do and see

I want to live but its just so draining

I feel like I'm in a fun house of emotions which will u feel next and the one I want to feel next is never in reach

I'm sorry

Idk y I'm putting this on the internet honestly

Maybe I'm hoping someone secretly finds it idk ig I'm just longing for human interaction or something

I'm sorry