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Solas really scratched my itch for characters with complex inner conflict who are also a straight up jackass like unrepentantly

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oh man. oh jeez

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Into the light - Unknown Angel (2019) by Dolorosa de la Cruz

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By René Lalique

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Wendell Berry, New Collected Poems; "Words"

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mama and her little guy

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The older I get, the more I find that you can only live with beings who liberate you, who love you with an affection that is as light to bear as it is strong to feel. Life today is too hard, too bitter, too debilitating for us to suffer new bondages, new captivities from those whom we love. This is how I am your friend: I love your happiness, your freedom, your adventure, in a word - and I would like to be, for you, a companion you can be sure of, always.”

— Albert Camus, (to René Char, 1957) in "Camus-Char: Correspondence 1946-1959) (Gallimard, 2007) (via Alive on All Channels)

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The Vision of Saint Hubert. Franz von Stuck, 1890

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Floating in space

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Mythal, Protector, All-Mother

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finally finished :) a lot of hours, a lot of fun!! + details!!

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All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.”

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Crackerbell, Mary Ruefle

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Monks in a monastery courtyard, Storm over a Lake in the Background (1856) Oil on canvas. ― Franz Ludwig Catel (German, 1778-1856)

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like i don't really believe in ghosts or demons or whatever but there's something so insane about how the experienced energy of a space can shift so palpably.

as a kid, i was absolutely terrified of my bedroom. i felt intensely watched. so i always slept in my dad's bed with him. i did that until i was way older than you'd think lol it is not a proud memory

my whole childhood i can remember the bed shaking as i tried to fall asleep. not just at home, but anywhere i slept. i got it into my head that it was caused by the washing machine somehow. the rhythm of the shaking was exactly like a washing machine, very regular. it didn't scare me much. i didn't think that much of it until i remembered it as an adult and realized obviously that's not how washing machines work at all lol so that was major weird sleep disturbance pattern #1 but it was the least scary

when i decided i was (beyond!) too old to sleep in his bed i had to move to my bed in stages. i slept on the couch for probably a year or so butttt eventually i made it to my bed, and could sleep in there if i left all the lights on. but not easily, and not soundly.

i felt presences looming over me, like so intensely i could almost see them. i heard frequent tapping on the window, which was facing a huge empty backyard, no trees for at least like 30 feet. that would happen even when i wasn't in bed. but the WORST was the clawing ugh i get chills just writing that word. i heard & felt clawing under the window, and then around the bottom of the bed. like fully heard and physically FELT.

and i know i know ur like, you were half asleep, these things happen. but that was usually not the case ! i was (usually) fully fully awake when this happened. and i'm a chronic insomniac so i know awake from asleep, bc it was complete torture.

i wanna write about the worst and weirdest and hardest to deal with time. i was 20, i had been moved out for 2 years, but i was visiting home without my husband (aside: i realize how insane it is to be married at 20. like don't do that. like it worked out for me but it shouldn't have lol it was dumb). and all of the above started happening, which i was especially freaked out by because i wasn't ~used to it~ anymore. so i call my husband, crying, freaking out, not knowing what to do, feeling like a lunatic but entirely too scared to grin & bear it. i thought sitting up in bed, talking to him would surely make it stop, or something, but it very much did not. so i was fully awake, having a full conversation. embarrassingly, i eventually went to my dad and slept in his bed again like a little kid. that was hard. we did not have a good relationship. my pride took a huge hit but i was terrified.

so like, it has to be hallucination right ? no one else has ever experienced anything in that room, that i know of, other than friends in hs agreeing that it had kind of a weird malicious aura, but i'm sure i primed them to feel that way. though i didn't tell them about all this. i've never had any other hallucinations, while sober anyway, and no history with delusion.

the very few times i've stayed in that room in recent years, there was nothing. less than nothing. it's so insanely still, the air, it almost drives me more crazy than the weirdness from before. it's like a void. the intense stillness is alllllmost a presence. i still cant sleep in there well at all.

im sure its me that changed, not the room. i like to think im more aware at 28 than i was at 20, 16, or 12. but like ! i have noo idea what to make of any of this. evil ass room