konichiwasup

[konichiwasup]

26.5.2

I need to find a new purpose in life. I think I’ve lost myself completely.

I don’t find any joy in doing anything anymore.

And that’s sad.

I hope. Someone would be proud of me.

But I know I won’t get it from you. In your eyes, I’m nothing. Nothing worth.

How else can I get myself back. It gets overwhelmed sometimes. But when I asked for help..

I’ve been ignoring and tried to move on for a few years now. But I guess pretending won’t help. I need to let go and find my closure.

And my closure is.. I don’t think I love you anymore.

[konichiwasup]

“I still catch myself feeling sad about things that don’t matter anymore.”

— Kurt Vonnegut

[konichiwasup]

“Growth is painful. Change is painful.But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”

— Mandy Hale

[konichiwasup]

“At the end of the day, you can either focus on what’s tearing you apart or what’s holding you together.”

— Unknown

[konichiwasup]

May Sarton, The House by the Sea

[konichiwasup]

— Nitya Prakash

[konichiwasup]

Mary Oliver, from “I Worried”, Devotions

[konichiwasup]

May Sarton, The House by the Sea

[konichiwasup]

19 Dec 2024

Nothing matters anymore. Whatever you want to do or say, go on. I’m looking for my happiness and the people here are toxic. Oh Allah… help me.

[konichiwasup]

Getting used to the ‘alone’ life right now. What matters most now is the little ones. Surprisingly, I’m at peace.

[konichiwasup]

27 Jan 2024

That hurts. If you can say something to make me instantly cry, you’re beyond mean.

[konichiwasup]

20.1.2024

Am I at peace with myself? I think I am. If this is how peaceful and acceptance feels like, then I’m fine with it.

[konichiwasup]

Allah.. hebat betul dugaan kau berikan kali ini. But I’m not scared because I know He is with me. Allah has shown me a lot of reason for me to leave. Today is the strongest reason for me to leave. I can’t believe that I had to go through this alone. I have never expected this to happen. Oh Allah, make it easy for me to handle both kids. Grant me strength and health so that I can go through this with them. Grant my kids health and may they grow up to become a better person than me. Amin ya rabbal alamin.

[konichiwasup]

11/11/23

One day I will get the happiness that I deserve. Till then, my strength is just the two of you.

[konichiwasup]

7 November 2023

I realised that this journey with my 2 precious is so rewarding and worth it. I am alone in this. But because of them, I’m willing to go through it alone. As long as i live, I will never let you guys down. Ummi promise you this. I have the two of you… and that’s all that matters. Allah… please grant me the strength and health to take care of your amanah. I will do it, even when I am broken right now.

[konichiwasup]

30 September 2023

At the end of the day, you only have yourself.

I don’t know where this is going, but I really want to end it. I realised I don’t need you anymore.

[konichiwasup]

14 September 2023

1:41am

He is sick and asking for you.

I am sick and heavily pregnant.

You are not here now.

Thank you.

Priorities.