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kookluvb0t · 2 years ago

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a poet but never a poem

[different from my other posts. It's a rant for hopeless romantics like me :)]

I have a lot of thoughts about him and even about me. he has other previous girlfriends from our school. do they still think of him? do they still like him? Do they like him as much as I do?

I laugh at the jokes about locking your boyfriend up in the basement so he doesn’t escape. But in truth, I would never do that. I’ll give him all of me. Why is it that I love him with my entire body? Why can I not move on? it’s nearly been a decade. I’m honestly also scared to see him in person again. What if all the feelings I felt when I first saw him years ago as a child come back? What if I fall deeper in love with him?

I’m buying him a gift. Is it too much? A compression shirt because he loves going to the gym. He’d wear it and think of me. “Who bought that for you?” His ears would turn red and he’d say my name. And from all the way to the other side of the world after I moved. My arm would tickle and I’d realize he called out my name. Why do I do so much for someone I so deeply care about? Will someone do this for me too? Is it too much to ask for? Why do I always have to be the poet? Why can I not be the poem for once? Pouring my heart out into prose or any other form of literature.

Is something wrong with me? Is it my face? The way my teeth look? The way my lips aren’t big enough? Is it the moles on me? Am I fat? Am I too thin? Am I too tall? Is it the way I dress? Is it how my hair looks? Is it my chest? Why are they like the way they are? Why is it always the mean people getting chosen over me? Why am I always the second choice? And sometimes none of the choices at all. Why am I ever always a choice? Just a choice. Is that what my role on this planet is? Why won’t anybody love me the way I love? I’ve tried being mean because people only pick them. I can’t. It's not physically possible for me to be rude or mean. Every vein and cell in my body forces me to be nice. I can’t handle the thought of hurting anybody. even for a nanosecond.

Is that a bad thing? Is that such a bad thing that nobody would romantically choose me? I just want to experience a kind of love where it's just two silly playful foolish teenagers completely in love. oblivious to the world around them. but now I’m eighteen. soon i’ll be nineteen. and then twenty. my teenage years are over. i’ll never ever get to experience the kind of love i’ve dreamed about or cried about or wanted really bad.

Why not? What did I do wrong? Am I wrong? Maybe I am just like Pluto. Abandoned and thrown out because this tiny planet didn’t fit in with the other 8. Is this my destiny? Loving someone till my heart dries out? Tirelessly, endlessly. Forever and ever. Maybe I am destined to be a form of literature. Just always the poet and never the poem. Always the artist and never the muse.

Thanks for reading <3

#literature #thoughts #teenagers #teen girl #rant post #hopeless romantic #kpop #aesthetic #anime #pink aesthetic #pink core #miya #!!! <3

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kookluvb0t · 2 years ago

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