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kp4t · 8 years ago

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22 december | 1:57 am pst | friday

although it is only 1:57 am here in california, my circadian cycle still believes that it is actually 4:57 am. there is nothing that 2 dollar mochas can’t get me through if my mind is still awake.

tonight is the first night i am not in lucas’s arms after spending every waking (and sleeping) moment with him for a week. and i think that our little escape provided valuable insight to me about our relationship and him and me and us.

friday night- lucas arrived in massachusetts. when we met in the airport, he pulled my face closer to his and kissed me like it was the first time he had seen me in ages. the entire T ride home, he was finding ways to be closer to me whether by holding me closer or kissing me more or tangling our legs together. he kept telling me that he missed me and was so happy to finally see me. things sped up quickly when we got to my dorm room, but sex hurt so we instead relaxed and went to sleep. finding a comfortable sleeping position was a struggle. he didn’t say i love you until i did.

that night, i was full of nervous energy and unsure what this “trip” would bring us. i was enjoying myself with him of course, but i couldn’t fathom that he was actually going to be with me everyday, from waking up to going to sleep.

saturday- we woke up at around 1 in the afternoon. we took the t to Newbury Street and went gift shopping for my sisters and his brother. it made me smile to know that he thought about my family too. though, looking at him made me feel weird. i told him that it felt like he was here but not really here. he only chuckled and responded that i was crazy. i wanted to ask him so many questions about where we were in our relationship and who he was to me and who i was to him. i would randomly get quiet at times because i had so many questions that i didn’t know how to ask yet.

he was always patient when i became more quiet. he didn’t quite know what to do, but he knew that i was thinking.

that night, we spooned and more under the brilliant ambient lighting. though, i laughed for a good five minutes when he justified his newfound energy after claiming tiredness by blaming the “ambience and shit.” we tried some things under the sheets but riskily skipped the step where we used protection. he pulled out long before he finished, but...?

sunday- we stayed in bed until 2 in the afternoon and had some brunch. he made comments about how handsome he was and how plain everyone at tufts looked. after, we relaxed some more in my room until i had to go to church at 5 (and he did not attend). i treated him out to snappy ramen at 7 and we talked about the experiences that we value and the experiences that we do seek to have. i confronted him with the question of whether he wanted a serious relationship during college or to explore. he hesitated but then said that he believed that he wanted to go out until he found me. i wasn’t sure if that meant that he still prefers not to go out since he has me.

also, i told him about how i used to have a crush on alyssa from terra nova.

i panicked and rescinded my offer to give him a back massage when he mentioned that he learned a massage to the neck that a girl offered him. i hated that he is constantly surrounded by girls and i hated that i couldn’t accept it nor change it.

when i finished studying, i crawled into bed and ended up staying up until 3 am crying and contemplating aloud how insecure i felt about us and how i could randomly feel rushes of pain and insecurity. he asked me if i ever sought help, and i told him that i didn’t think that my worries mattered enough. he suggested that i expect things to in time go wrong, which leaves me in constant state of anxiety and maybe depression. i told him that i just think too much. i worried that i won’t be good enough, and he just told me to go to sleep.

monday- after taking my last final at 8:30 am, i crawled into bed again and fell asleep with his arm wrapped around my mid riff. his warmth felt so good and i felt some kind of happy.

i took him to assembly row and there, we shopped for each others’ christmas presents. he is actually better at finding clothes than me, and he ended up picking a bunch of cute clothes for me to try on. he made me feel pretty again and he made me feel attractive. then, we chatted over “boston’s #1 hot chocolate” and later watched the newest star wars film.

the overwhelming amount of drunk stories about ucsb made me fear that i was losing him to the environment that he was in or the people that he was with. only, he isn’t mine to lose. i knew that he was having the best time of his life, and i can never compare and i can never take that away from him. i also got frustrated at his stupid lifestyle choices that i couldn’t change, because he is young and wants to make stupid choices. we got into a little spat about it and right when i was about to let it go, i saw in his chat with lena that he said “love you too” to her and i snapped and called his laugh ugly. and the spat became stretched for far too long.

by the time we got off the T back at davis, it was 12:30 am and we haven’t eaten dinner yet. i asked him for his preferences, but he kept saying that he wasn’t hungry and just wanted to go home. we both damn well knew that we were hangry as fuck. he was being uncooperative and kept walking away from me and not talking to me until he finally said that he was sad that we were having a perfectly good day until i ruined it by shutting him out again and doing what i do best. and that made me sad because he was right and i couldn’t help doing the next thing to ice him out again.

i barely made the words out but i said that i had a hard time talking to him because i felt like my words didn’t matter or my feelings won’t change his actions. i told him that i froze up because i saw how he was with lena and i saw him constantly being on his phone to observe other girls. i told him that i don’t know what to say because my mind does the thing where it thinks 100 thoughts a minute and i cannot find the composure to explain myself.

he stopped me from walking further to the calzone place and told me that my words do matter and that he does value what i feel and have to say. he clarified it wasn’t true that his type was white or asian because his type is keesha. and i pouted and hugged his dumb self because i have been trembling for the whole walk there.

when we did get to the calzone place, the fries tasted like the best fries we had ever eaten because we were so fricking hungry. i felt lighter after quasi breaking down, and i felt happy looking at him and knowing that he really meant how he felt. and he wanted me to be okay, ultimately putting aside his anger towards me. i knew that i could be a pain in the ass oftentimes, but he still wanted us to be okay.

on the walk home, he gave me his gloves because he knew that i was shivering during the walk to the pizzeria. and we talked about religion and death and everything and nothing. i don’t mean to sound like those basic twitter girls that idealize miscellaneous late night conversations, but i truly do value how we are able to talk about the most random bullshit whenever.

when we got to the dorm, he pulled me into bed before i finished changing and we you know what (but not the whole thing). i love him and i love living with him and i look forward to having that more permanently. we can walk around in our underwear and spend days in together or come home to each other.

tuesday-

we woke up ridiculously late in the afternoon on tuesday. he and i barely rolled out of bed to get burritos at a local joint near davis at around 5. at 8, we commuted to go ice skating at frog pond. sadly, we arrived 30 minutes before closing, but i enjoyed that mere half hour of almost slipping next to my lanky boyfriend dood. we strolled around downtown crossing too and admired the sparkling city lights and christmas lights.

after walking around a good amount, lucas found a pho restaurant to fill our stomachs with warm noodle soup. it was a good sit down space for me to propose what had been going through my mind for a long time, but i hesitated and we ended up walking to find the dessert place before i spit it out.

when in line for boba at gong cha, i brought up the suggestion that since we are on good terms now and there is no anger/insecurity/fear driving our actions and decisions, if he wanted, we could spend time as friends in order to allow each other to explore the life of being single and meeting new people. he told me to shut up and order.

he explained that he was initially sad that i would even bring it up, but then he saw the reasoning behind it. he thought the reasoning was stupid though, because the reason why we were so good and still good friends is because our relationship required us to become such good communicators. and he didn’t see the point of risking losing something so good to try something new, when we have all that we need already. he compared it to us both being full but then deciding to force ourselves to eat, contrary to our mutual willingness.

i brought up that he has people in front of him, and he said that he knows that and he knows that there are people in front of me too. but he knows that he still wants to be with me and doesn’t want to lose me. being with someone at his school would be easier, but he doesn’t want easy.

when we got back to tufts, we lounged in the campus center for a bit. we played a couple matches of sting pong, and i quickly caught on with my share of trick shots. that was one of my favorite nights, talking with him about us and what we love about us and proceeding to beat him at a game he taught me how to play.

when we got back to the dorm, we watched rick and morty and watched rick and morty. ah, to be young and in love.

wednesday-

celtics game

mcdonalds

just more talking. we grew deeper in our relationship and i yes

pore strips

christmas chick flick or the office christmas episodes?

thursday morning-

sleeping with t shirt and underwear on

stroking my back

stroking his chest

he let me nap!!!

i love him. i really do. a week with him reminded me why i love him so much. we are still working on us but i am glad that i didn’t walk away when i had the chance.

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kp4t · 8 years ago

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10 november 2017 | 12:46 am et | friday

i am regretful that i haven’t kept up with my writing, because more recently i have been consecutively blessed with good friends and good moments. i cannot possibly capture all of them because there are so many to pull from, but i know that i am exactly where i should be and i am happy.

my experience of college deviates from others’ standards of fun or standards of worthwhileness but i am content with how i spend my time and don’t feel the need to conform to anyone else’s lifestyles.

“don’t chase people. be an example. work hard. and be yourself. the people who belong in your life will come find you and stay. just do your thing.”

there is a sharp contrast between how i am spending my time and how lucas is spending his time. while i am sipping on warm apple cider rubbing my gloved hands for warmth, he is chugging hard apple cider holding his trash can up for a drunk friend. while i am giggling over shared secrets and munching on carmichael chili fries, he is chuckling over exchanged flirtations and munching on some form of edibles.

we lead very different lives now.

i see lucas differently now. we depended on a very idealistic mindset to get through the hard transition for me to be here and for him to still be home, but now that we are both in our respective schools i know that i have to be realistic for my own sanity.

he’s an 18 year old boy who may want someone else. and i cannot even look at someone else but i have to be okay with that possible outcome.

i think i have to discuss with him in person the possibility of a mutual break up so that he can do his own thing and decide if i am who he wants. i won’t look for someone here, because i wasn’t looking when i found him. damnit, he was right in front of me but i didn’t see him until it was time. but if time passes and we still feel the same, then we’ll know.

what good would it be to turn away from what makes us both happy?

but what good would it be to force us to hate each other?

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i remember how hopeless i felt when i didn’t know.

and nothing he would say or do would help it. in fact, he would only worsen my condition because i was like a landmine waiting to explode. i would spend early mornings trying to sift through my emotions and make sense to him why i felt like shit, but i stayed up until 5 am to no avail.

“ok we’ll talk tomorrow.”

i remember waking up wishing that i could sleep forever.

i do not mean that in a self-destructive way, but rather in a lack of vitality way. i lost interest in starting new projects. i lost focus. i lost my appetite. i lost control of myself. i couldn’t think right. the strangest thing was that i knew how absurd i was being, but i couldn’t pick myself up and go.

i remember that my emotions were either flattened or amplified. there was no normal medium level. i was either crazy numb or crazy neurotic. my friends were uncomfortable to be around me because of how unstable i was.

i remember desperately trying to find the love that was there before. i tried to convince myself that it was there but it felt like it was fading right before my eyes. and there was nothing i could do about it. i felt like i was no longer enough and that the good times were over.

i felt like he was going to catch feelings for some beautiful girl with an amazing personality and forget about me for a night when he falls into a conversation that turns into a friendship that turns into more all in one flawless sweep.

“i mean i find her attractive”

i felt like the words i said to him and the memories i made with him were being overwritten and forgotten each night he was away from me. i felt like he was slowly walking away from what we had.

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a month has passed since i was in that bad headspace, and i have grown a lot since then. to be frank, i think that i claimed to have grown in the previous entry but that was a superficial attempt to validate my coping with insecurities.

it has become a constant decision every day when i wake up to be okay with the fact that it will take time for me to fully trust him again and fully be with him again. i guess that’s how i know that i love him. i could have easily walked away when he first fucked up, but i wanted to work on it instead of completely giving up on our future.

balancing between looking forward to the future (because that is all we have really... our present is robbed by this strange thing called distance so we are doing our best creating bridges across cyberspace despite our busy schedules) and remaining realistic is really important. his talking about the future isn’t going to magically excuse all his missteps.

why do i still see a future with this fool then if he’s got me fucked up?

love is a choice. we have to work together to get through the hard times and not walk away when things get complicated.

what do we have still going for us?

we have our ugly senses of humor and terrible sensitivities. we have our compassionate natures that will never endingly support each other’s dreams and we have stubborn brains that will constantly challenge each other’s ideas. our natural conversational skills and lust for each other’s physical appearances compensate for our inability to go for beyond 2 seconds. i think we still love each other.

how will we know if we are really each other’s people?

i "knew” for sure just months ago, but now i have this awkward anti-love stance and anti-forever stance because college relationships tend to be wishy washy. but i think that i will know again once i let my walls down again.

he claims to know, but i just don’t know you know?

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kp4t · 8 years ago

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17 october 2017 | 11:08 pm et | tuesday

to give insight about how much i am uncertain about investing time in justifying myself about pursuing this relationship, i actually started typing again at 11:45 pm et. i added the personal touch of the et (eastern time) suffix to place emphasis on the fact that i am on the other side of the country from the person i want to be with most. should i want to be with this person this much? is it good for me? will i grow from this? will i shrink from this? i’m not sure.

i already made the unilateral decision for us to go on a break for what was only half a week. although the time away from each other cleared my mind of the extreme feelings of fear and anger and insecurity (feelings that drove me to lose sleep and lose appetite and lose my overall well-being) that neither of us can alleviate, i still know that those emotions will return. i wish i can be stronger next time.

i asked him to take the time to think about what he wanted and what actions he would take to show that his words speak truly. at the time, i really couldn’t tell what he wanted anymore. my eyes were tired from crying myself to sleep every night. and my mind was tired from catastrophic thoughts trying to outrace themselves all around my cluttered mind. nothing he would say to me would really stick, or i would only pay attention to the fact that he was captivated by someone else.

during our time away from each other, he wrote and sent me a letter clearly asserting what he wants: he wants to marry me. he wants to get a pitbull husky mix with me and buy a house with me and have kids with me and grow old with me. at the end of the letter, he claimed that if we weren’t together by the time i received the letter, he was sorry for hurting me and he never deserved me. i received the letter after we made up.

the “break” allowed me to self-heal and grow away from him. i made myself happy and it felt good not hoping to be loved or asking to be loved. i learned to put away my insecurities and appreciate myself first before anyone else. i recognized my own beauty and praised myself. i took care of myself and learned to love myself and grew. but i cannot deny that he is the one that i want to grow with. but will those desires make me glow with hopefulness or wilt with hopelessness?

we both want this with all our hearts and we obviously love each other a lot. why is it still so hard then? is it enough to love each other? will we love each other apart?

when i was home and the biggest stressor was whether i should say yes when he asked me to winter formal, i resorted to the rudimentary tactic of a pros/cons chart. even if it seems trivial, the chart helps me organize my thoughts. instead of further saddening myself about the cons of this ordeal, i think it would be more beneficial to remind myself of the reasons why i should keep fighting for this.

pros:

- he responds to my sarcasm with sarcasm so seamlessly

- he adds onto my stories and smiles at me when i go on tangents

- he accepts me for me and allows me to think out loud and change my mind

- he holds me when i’m weak and listens to me and reminds me of my worth

- he calls me on my bullshit and is real with me

- he can talk to me about anything and everything

- he sees me and knows me

- he loves me when i am hard to love

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kp4t · 8 years ago

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2 August 2017 | 3:01 a.m. | Wednesday

a couple days ago, i deep cleaned my bedroom for what may be the last time before i go to college. tucking away all my valuable notes and small reminders of why i am who i am made me feel awfully sentimental about the end of my beginning. i don’t think that there is a pretty way for me to say that i am going to miss not only this room but home. it’s going to hurt like a motherfucker.

i won’t be able to crash onto my mom’s bed and talk to her about my day. i won’t be able to see kenzie develop into another kind of monster each day.i won’t be able to be there for kassie when she endures the openly bleeding artery known as high school. i won’t be able to listen to kaela’s boisterous but sometimes soft voice. i won’t be able to hear dad’s dry humor.

honestly, i am going to miss everything that makes my family my family, even if those details annoy me today. throughout high school, my family has been my rock especially since i picked the bad eggs to befriend almost all the time. even if i am excited about my new life in a new town and a new atmosphere, i do look forward to flying back to them. but it is necessary for me to leave to find out what the hell i am going to do with my life.

earlier, i was crying like a little bitch about this. i couldn’t have possibly captured what i was feeling hours ago because i was blabbering through sobs miserably. currently, i am feeling excited and hopeful that my new chapter in boston will be fruitful.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

another ball game that i have been losing myself in is the fear of leaving my boyfriend. it is august now, so the dreaded day that i fly away is nearing us. i have felt an evident shift in our relationship (and he has noticed it too), for we are no longer on honeymoon avenue. recently, i have felt him pull away from me and try a little less with me, and i consequently changed the way i acted around him as a defense from getting too hurt.

i tried to be fake happy and be patient with his new behavior, but i couldn’t act anymore. i talked to him about it and cried to him about it (honestly). suddenly, all these love songs and sad songs made so much sense to me. and so, he told me that all relationships go through this comfortable stage but it is what each couple decides to do with this newfound comfort that will make or break the relationship.

yesterday, after what felt like weeks (though it has only been a week) of this uncomfortable different feeling, he took me out to get noodle soup and ice cream. his energy was clearly higher and the effort was there. it felt great to feel like he was enthusiastic to be with me again. i know that he does want to see me and enjoys my company, but more recently, he has not made it known and i always felt uneasy or insecure. i was saddened because if he is getting accustomed to my company or becoming weary now, what if these days become weeks and months until we ultimately bottom out and break up during college when we are 3,000 miles apart?

at the end of the really good day after the less good days, i told him that i understated my insecurity and was still really scared. he kissed me a lot and hugged me a lot and asked me to pull out a calendar so we can coordinate flights during breaks.

in between tears, i told my mom before we went out that i was considering breaking up. she told me that it wasn’t right to prematurely end something that could be good just because i was scared of being taken for granted. it wouldn’t do either of us any good. given that we have passed the honeymoon stage, nothing good will come easy and we are going to have to work. i am just so scared.

i was reassured after that good day and reminded of all the reasons why it is worth it through it all. i just hope that i am going to be worth it for him to keep trying to. i am sure as hell that i am going to try my hardest.

after lots of overthinking, i realized that if we do not end up together, it is not because he is a bad person. lucas bezerra is a good guy who has made me happy through his acts both big and small that exemplify his love. if we do not work out, it does not mean that i am unworthy of being loved. it does not mean that i am not enough, because i am a whole lot of things that are beautiful and grand. what i noticed about myself is that when i admire a personality that i feel is big, i sort of feel dull or small in comparison. but just because i am different does not mean that i am not cool or worth knowing better. and just because i am quiet does not mean that my thoughts cannot move mountains.

if we do not work out, perhaps it will be because our differences will make it too hard. or maybe he will meet someone else whose sense of humor or music taste matches his like a glove. maybe we’ll grow out of each other. though, i want to keep talking to him about my day and about trivial subjects and about existential subjects. i don’t want us to fall apart. but whatever happens, i am going to look back on my first love and remember this tall dork who unfailingly made me smile and cry like a fool.

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kp4t · 8 years ago

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10 July 2017 | 2:20 a.m. | Monday

it is kind of silly, because recently i have been feeling the odd, inexplicable teenage girl resentment towards my parents after high school is over. i feel like i would like to understand and respect where they are coming from, but at the same time, a part of me wants to disobey the suggestions they impose onto me. i am grateful for their concern and desire for only the best for me, but i think that i can think critically independently, contrary to their beliefs.

what am i vaguely babbling about, anyway? ever since day one, my mom and dad have been telling me to not show the boy i like that i like him in order to maintain the chase and make sure that he is always trying to win me. i see the reasoning in that, but at the same time, i have an abundance of missing my boyfriend that i would like to get off my chest.

i do not think that expressing that love n affection will automatically result in him “thinking that he can do whatever he wants with me.” i think that he respects me as a human being and doesn’t assume that he thus can “take advantage” of my “desperation.”

that kind of attitude implies that he can’t have a good conversation with me or spend a fun day with me without wanting to get into my pants. and thinking this way reveals to me that i am this prize to be won or this walking vagina that should be protected by other people at all costs. that’s demeaning.

life is too short to go on without telling the people we care about that we love them. it’s not weak or desperate or demeaning. and opening myself up to him has allowed my trust in him and faith in this relationship to bloom some more. we’re stronger now, closer.

my parents ingrained to the back of my mind that he’s just a boy who thinks like a boy. practicing this mindset 24/7 makes it hard to enjoy his presence without being paranoid and shut off and trying to search in his actions an ulterior motive that may not even be there. i am not suggesting that i should let down my guard entirely and condone shitty behavior, because i will not hesitate to call bull. but i just don’t want to be this cold, emotionless vessel on the outside because i obviously am catching feelings inside for this fool that i would like to share.

i just don’t know if i can always assume bad or expect bad from him, because that wouldn’t be fair to him nor fair to me. i deserve to be treated with love, and i believe that he is here to show me that.

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kp4t · 9 years ago

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31 August 2016 | Wednesday | 12:20 a.m.

in light of the presentation i will be giving in a couple of hours about the effect of authority on values, i will be identifying my own values and their contradictions and weaknesses.

moral values: truthfulness, open-mindedness, self-love, optimism, growth, respect, humanity

identity values: authenticity, expression, self-acceptance, celebration of the individual, self-embetterment, growth, change, continuity

success values: being able to wake up in a warm bed with a warm family, not fighting about money, having beautiful windows, giving my kids access to quality lives, learning and working on what i love, growing with love, staying soft in a hard world

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kp4t · 9 years ago

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31 August 2016 | Wednesday | 12:07 a.m.

jello blog. a wise guy once wrote that there is power in telling the internet what comes to your mind when you should be asleep. i find comfort in that statement.

i have so many internal conflicts that run through my mind until it gets tired, but they never make it through the backspace. i feel like i should know where i am and where i am meant to be by now. but i don’t.

i am a comfortably lazy teenager who is in like with a boy she barely knows.

i am a window enthusiast who marvels at the functionality and intimate personality of the nerve endings of touching another person’s hand.

i am an articulate human being who was ignorantly mistaken as smart in elementary school and cursed with a label that follows her.

i am an artist who is being pressed into a scientific job just when she is beginning to recognize her true passions.

i am a complex human being.

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kp4t · 9 years ago

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12 August 2016 | Friday | 3:04 a.m.

hello and good morning. i spent the same amount of time that i usually use up creating and setting up this new tumblr as i do writing in my traditional notebook, but i figured that some nights i would need a more immediate channel when my writing does not efficiently keep up with my thoughts. i tried to make my URL as undetectable and random as possible but still me. so i followed the skeleton of the user’s favorite thing followed by the user’s birthday.

yesterday was both good and bad. it was splendid, for i experienced the very last awkward registration session where i have to retrieve my class schedule as well as socialize with my classmates. this time has been the most okay registration day, for i had the company of alex and isabel. (isabel made fun of me for always preferring my family’s company over friends’ company, but if she had my family, she wouldn’t blame me. i love my goofball family.) however, as much as i flaunt the fact that i do not have an irrational crush on kalman anymore, i still managed to try to avoid walking near him or talking to him. some things never change, and i guess that’s alright. i don’t mind the fact that my friends and my appetites don’t change, because if it wasn’t for our big chubs, we wouldn’t have closed up the afternoon eating at the millbrae pancake house.

however, today, i had the first of many college triggered mental breakdowns. truth be told, my eyelids are still heavy from crying. i figured that i have been feeling overwhelmed by the fact that i have to figure out what the hell i want to do for a long time now, but just now was the time where i let it all out. i have put off being productive in my petty high school homework because finishing it means that i am even closer to deciding my future. even if my heart is telling me to follow my interest in the arts to architecture, i steered in a very different direction and researched colleges that offer BSN (bachelor of science in nursing) and colleges with exquisite pre-medical programs. i don’t enjoy biology or math, but my mind was thinking that that would be the right thing to do. i can’t explain why it would be right, but it just sounds right for me to do that. and i could always put my love for art aside as a hobby or a passion to pursue once i had the stability to do so.

before i created a tumblr account, i was feeling uplifted and hopeful (and i am feeling that it is partially since i listened to “promise” by ben howard) and wanted to express how i felt that it doesn’t matter what school i go to or what course i want to take as long as i surround myself with love and family. i won’t be only a nurse or only a doctor or only an architect. i will be me, nothing more and nothing less. now, i am listening to “promise” again and am feeling appreciative and optimistic all over again.

it’s so frustrating how my attitude towards the future can shift so quickly, and it prevents me from being decisive and productive in my work, both in applications and in the high school classes that i still have to get through.

it cannot be blissful like this all the time though. how can i grow without a fight? i am willing to work for a better tomorrow. yet, i have to learn to not always worry about tomorrow and live in today. a great bible verse is Matthew 6:34: “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

i just wish that i could have a better idea of what course i want to take in college. i realized that my course is not the only thing i am. i like who i am today. i wish that would be enough.

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