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I miss who I was when I expected myself to carry the weight of my misery alone. Now, I find more pain in the bleak of wishing the present other would help me up a little.

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I don’t know what the future holds but it feels like…strangely, for a while I hadn’t noticed it, but I have been alone this entire time. I’ve been fooling myself into thinking that I could hold hands with someone through life but I have been alone. If she can throw me away at such minor inconvenience, then that must be what I mean to her. Minor. Small. Then I am nothing. And maybe…without me noticing it, I have been nothing this entire time.

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I’ve been concerned about life. Losing weight is something that’s coming with time, and I see it happening. But where things are going politically, environmentally, mentally, and personally, it’s getting harder to find value in not giving up on being well-minded.

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so, anyway do y’all ever just AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH AAAAAAAAHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH AAAAAHHHHHHH AAAAHHHHH AAAAHHHHHHH AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH AAAAAHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAHHHHHH AAAAHHHHHHHHH you know what i mean

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9/26/2024

Today marks a week since my weightless journey. I’ve decided to keep up with the trend of only eating one meal a day: dinner. I’ve been doing it since last Thursday and it’s definitely stabilizing my appetite. Even after I eat dinner, I’m not hungry for anything the rest of the day. However, I still want to buy one of those metabolism or appetite suppressant gummies and some laxatives. I think those will help me for sure stay on track.

So far, I like how consistent and persistent I’m being. I’m saying no to food and offers for food. But I’m still worried about just how good I’ll be when I’m out of college. As long as I’m here, I have full control over the food around me and the food I want to consume. But I know the minute I’m home, I’ll be constantly surrounded by food and consistently offered food. I just have to remember what it was like to be laughed at, to be looked at as trash.

It’s such a strange feeling to feel discomfort in your own skin. I look at my body and I wonder why it was me. Why must my body look like this? So many girls got lucky with having normal bodies or even just being skinny. But here, my body stores all this fat. There’re even girls who have super high metabolism rates. Why couldn’t I have gotten that? Why must I get the looks and the jokes cracked on me because I grew into a saggy body. My stomach, my arms. It all could just drive me nuts. I never want to be made fun of again. Not for this.

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9/20/2024

It’s the second day of my weight loss journey. Right now, I’m feeling a little weak and tired. I assume it’s due to my lack of food and also I had a terrible time trying to sleep last night. I went to bed at an appropriate time but I had a dry throat at some point in the night, which propelled me to a coughing fit. It’s been like that for some days now, even before I stopped eating. I started sleeping the fan further away from me so that I won’t wake up with so much congestion in the morning like usual. There was less congestion, but still some overall. It’ll have to be what I expect since the dorm air is pretty dry.

My relationship with food at the moment is complicated. The key to being healthy is making sure I have enough protein, but I’m fasting because I want to train my body and my appetite. I of course assume that the second day is going to be a tad bit more difficult than the first due to the drastic change in appetite, but I will be determined. I’m sticking to energy drinks for now to keep myself up, but I’m also making sure I’m drinking tons of water. It’s a hassle dealing with the water, but I’ll be fine.

There’s these gummies that I want to get that’ll hopefully help with my appetite even more. That way, I won’t have to worry about my stomach grumbling or even think about eating. I can fast and keep my appetite low. I just have to probably wait until I get paid again (next Friday) in order to purchase them. That, and a weight scale. Those things are notorious for being paranoia increasers and mental health depleters, but I’ll need one to keep track of how much I’m losing week by week.

It’s excruciating to have to wait until my next pay period, but there’s not much else I can do for now.

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9/19/2024 | 9:21 PM

I’m going to bed now. So far, I did pretty well with self-control. I only ate dinner today, and my portion was really small. I even got to workout and do some of the things I wanted. I have to press myself to remember that losing weight is not about intensity but consistency. If I keep up what I did today, technically I can lose a few pounds maybe in the span of two weeks or so.

The only thing I particularly worry about is the limits of my self-control. I’ve tried dieting many times before, and it always ended in a crash and burn. I believe stress is what causes me to binge eat, and after that I’m swirling down a spiral of impulsiveness and all my progress is nullified.

I think I did something great by imagining bugs or insects in my food whenever I think of eating. Or rotting food. It almost physically makes me gag when I think about it. This’ll definitely help me change my attitude on food and gain that disdain I missed out on all my childhood. It deters me away from an appetite. Though my only other concern is about whether or not the diet I had today was sustainable.

I only had coffee and a pre-workout mix all the way until after my workout today. Only then did I have my first sip of water. I feel like drinking tons of water can help me stay feeling full. I know on my first day, my stomach is gonna grumble due to the extreme change in appetite. Maybe later on it’ll get better. I just hope I’ll have enough strength to do everything I need to. Maybe I can utilize energy drinks more.

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Today is the first day of starting my weight loss journey. What prompted this? Nearly a decade of a desire and effort to lose weight but never quite getting there. I believe this is due to my comfortable demeanor towards food: I don’t hate food enough. I was never taught to hate food enough growing as a girl, which is usually how girls are raised. Instead, I grew up with an attitude that food isn’t a luxury in the necessary sense that I might not know whether or not I’m going to get it everyday, but in the sense where it’s completely accessible to me and I can do whatever I want to do with it.

Girls can grow up with this attitude, be technically overweight, and still have the looks and confidence to hold them down. I’m overweight but in a sense where I’m caught in a gray area. My body seems to store fat like it’s nothing. What’s worse is being a woman and having to lose weight with male-based standards: which is everywhere. Barely any calorie counters or fitness programs accommodate to the female hormone cycle, which will always make dieting and working out much harder for us girls.

But I want to get back lost time. I want to gain that disdain for food that I didn’t have growing up. That food is the enemy. Food is the source of my low self-esteem. And I have to do it all by myself. I have to hate it enough to stop. I’ve notice I’ve had little to no self control lately, and it’s because I’m stressed. But again, because of this attitude towards food. I wanted to get surgery, but the recovering processes always look rough. I want to get into a fitness membership, but I don’t have a car. And living in the middle of nowhere when I graduate college is going to totally bust the plan of getting anywhere without a car.

I know that when I lose weight, my body will change and not me in particular. Even when I’m 90 pounds, I’ll look back at the heavier me from before and still see myself. And I’ll remember how I was treated, and how I treated myself.

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Fanfic rec

You'll never know how beautiful this was until you read it. 

I really love the writting style(everything about it actually), and how the dots connect, how awesome the phrasing was , and how it make me scream itno my pillow because i couldn't handle alll that. This was beautiful. The way armin's thought are described, muddled with memories, his planning, and everything was so nice

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so my dudes, if anyone's even reading this.  I am on my way to the hospital to say my last goodbye to my great-grandmother, who's been in my life literally all my life. Every Thanksgiving, every christmas, every halloween, every 4th of july, every holiday was spent at her house. It was like an unspoken rule. We went to her for everything. The whole family. And so, now it is time to let her go.

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I made this cover for someone else~! My first gig! ;))))))))))))))

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I wonder what’s it’s like to have friends

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you’re destiny~the moment I saw you was magic history

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it’s a strange world, isn’t it?