kzekaros

[kzekaros]

I’m exhausted. I never post on tumblr, I always just like stuff, reblog, maybe even just use the little comment thing because I figure “meh, I’ll say something, maybe someone will find it amusing” but sometimes I look at this app and go “this is supposed to be a blog.” And I kinda laugh at it. This whole app, was meant to be about posting about your life, interests, hobbies, just, whatever you want. Hell, the share option has blog in the name. And I’ve just been sitting in it, watching everyone else. I’m always mad that I don’t make my own things a reality. I don’t finish projects I start, I don’t get to have communities built from my efforts, I barely talk to the friends I have because I’m like a cactus and no one gets that.

Why have a cactus you don’t have to look at or give water when you could have a pretty flower that thrives on being visible and with you as much as possible? Even if it’s draining, it’s better than the guy who forgets to text you or only talks to you a few times a year. Never mind the fact that he’d help you move out of an abusive household, or encourage and help you to heal, or just be there if you only *asked*. That’s all I need. You just need to ask me. You just need to put yourself in front of me and ask.

I’m disabled and suffering and mentally not able to be present but I’m still alive, I’m still here, why can’t you just. Talk to me?

Is it because it’s uncomfortable? I’m not trying to distance myself. But I’ve learned my whole childhood that being the friend that’s always texting, always asking things, always offering, always giving and trying, it was unwanted. And yeah, I was fem presenting then, I was groomed into being a people pleasing, scared, lonely little girl that thought that her worth was only in what she could give, but was it necessary to call that kid clingy? To call her annoying and ugly? To treat her like she was a bug? To mock her when she was just trying to navigate the world with countless mental health problems she didn’t even know were real?

How was I meant to know I wasn’t supposed to say I want to be friends with people? How was I supposed to know it’s not socially acceptable to be kind for the sake of it? That it’s seen as underhanded and suspicious? That being the new kid means you should pretend you don’t care or have interest in others because then people will want to be around you? That smiling at the front of a classroom and saying you were excited to be in a new place was like dumping a bucket of red paint on your head and saying “chase me and kick me into the dirt when I fall and get tired”?

When a psychiatrist told me I shouldn’t get diagnosed for autism, as I sat across from them, transitioned, sleep deprived and severely depressed, overworked and wishing breathing wasn’t a manual process for me half of the day, and the reason I was given was “it would affect your ability to have a job” I just sat and stared at the papers in my hands, too exhausted to be surprised. I’ve asked to be diagnosed with adhd at least, I was told I need a brain scan. The US just won’t give anyone a break.

It wasn’t that I didn’t or don’t have the problem, it was that it existed the whole time and that it would be a problem to say I have it at all.

That’s not even 1% of what is causing me distress, but my arms are tired and my carpal tunnel is acting up even more now. The world is on fire, I’ve known it was for over a decade and I’m bitter that it feels like almost everyone else had no fucking clue. Tumblr used to be the place I could come to and not see the news because idk bro, I follow Danny phantom blogs, this isn’t even my og account, I rent this spot, you know what I mean? It’s not even my house, I just stay here sometimes. I’m metaphorically couch surfing.. haha wow, I’m not even gonna get into what that means to me concerning my past rn but maybe I’ll make a post about it some other time.

Anyways, I hate everything but I wanna get married. I bought a ring for my boyfriend, he doesn’t know because I’ve been trying so hard to hide it and because I already talked about weddings starting the first year we were dating so I doubt he realizes I fucking ordered the damn thing. I doubt he even knows I have a tumblr. The world is in shambles and I plan a wedding on Pinterest and design little outfits because if I don’t hope for something, I’ll die a jaded fool, alone and unwilling to smile.

Goodnight to those of you that sleep, I’m still stuck here at almost 3 in the morning, wishing I could stop crying about shit I can never fix.

[kzekaros]

$20 is what ¢50 felt like to me as a kid, you can buy a gum ball, maybe even buy a can of soda if you go to the right place :D

$20 used to mean something

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Fucking. How. It’s almost 2 am and I’m suffering

not to brag but last night i started doomscrolling at 1am and then two minutes in thought “wait instead of doing this i could just stop and go to sleep” and then i stopped and went to sleep

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collect my flop posts

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Unable to reply but still want lil bro to have more sushi

I took my little brother (autistic, mostly non verbal) out and he was using his voice keyboard to tell me something, and this little boy (maybe 4 or 5?) heard him and asked me "Is he a robot??" I tried to explain to him that no, he isn't a robot, he just communicates differently, but my darling brother was in the background max volume "I am robot I am robot I am robot I am robot"

[kzekaros]

The other replies also made me laugh so much, this is a great video

American dipper (Cinclus mexicanus)

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I dunno man. I found out today that a subway sandwich is $14 now. A shitty subway footlong sandwich that isn't actually 12 inches long and is occasionally made with expired ingredients and was never a great option to start with. I ate those in high school because I was broke and at the mall a lot.

There are poke bowls in my city from a local place for $16. Super fresh fish and veg, warm rice, more than I can eat in one sitting, for the price of a sandwich and a drink at america's most mid-tier sandwich shop.

Someone in another post said (paraphrased) you used to be able to get something mediocre for cheap, but now the mediocre things cost as much as the nice things so why would you?

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Sometimes it feels like you've lived your whole life in a house that's always a little bit on fire. Like it's usually just in one room and you make sure to wet the walls around it so it doesn't spread and that usually works. You were expected to take more responsibility over fire containment when you were like seven because it's not like you can expect your parents to always be 100% on guard about making sure the whole house doesn't catch fire, and you figure that's just how things are like.

And sometimes as a kid you visit your friends' homes and some of then whisper to you - grimacing with embarrassment - about how they're not supposed to tell anyone this, but there's a whole room in their house that's currently on fire. And you're like yeah it's ok I'm not supposed to tell people about the way our house is a little bit on fire all the time, too. And then you visit some other friend's house and there's no trace of fire anywhere, and you think "wow, these people are really good at hiding their house fire."

And one day you show up to work like "hey sorry I'm late, I forgot to wet the walls before going to bed last night and my whole house burned down", and you're startled by the way people react, acting like that must be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. And you're just like "chill, it's been years since the last time this happened, and it wasn't even that bad this time", and that just makes people more shocked, acting like that's the weirdest and most concerning thing they've ever heard anyone say, which only confuses you more.

And then someone tries to explain to you that people aren't supposed to have an ongoing house fire. Most people actually never experience a house fire in their lives. Like not even once. Not even a little bit. The normal amount of having your house be currently on fire is zero.

[kzekaros]

For the record, I would never knowingly use or share AI generated art in anything I post, so if you ever catch me doing so, it was an accident, and I'd like you to let me know so I can delete it.

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Reblog if you're not homophobic

Every url that reblog’s will be written in a book and shown to my homophobic dad. 

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Autistic Aliens - Comic series

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This is both beautiful and too real and raw

i can't find the tweet but the one that goes "trans men are wild because imagine a grown man with all the trauma of a little girl." haven't been able to get that off my mind.

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Pride themed pieces welcome!

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A piece from May of last year, I drew my partner as the white rabbit from Alice and wonderland

[kzekaros]

@werewolfbarista it took me a while to post this and I know I’ve already sent it to you before but here you go anyway