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Miss them with my whole heart

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“Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will learn what inspires you. You will cultivate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity. And when you do meet the right person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it because you are sure of yourself.”

— Bianca Sparacino

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"If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more"

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Maybe, Maybe

It was supposed to be just an innocent and happy crush. Back then I didn't even know you--like, the real you beyond the self-tagged roles you picked in that discord server where I first laid my eyes on you. I don't even know when and how exactly did I end up having this big fat crush on you. But one thing's for sure--You caught my eye the moment I saw you.

What was supposed to be an innocent and happy crush towards a total stranger from the internet turned into something bigger. The next thing I know, I was composing a lengthy ass message for you a few minutes before Christmas ended. I only wanted to say hi, but we ended up talking for an hour that night. Looking back, I am thankful that I gave in to my intrusive thoughts that night, because otherwise, we wouldn't have grown closer.

From being total strangers, to becoming friends in real life. By this point it has become clear to me that you only see me as a friend, and I'm honestly fine with that--or so I thought. It's been 2 years now, and despite of my attempts to go out and meet other people, for some reason I just can't seem to click with any of them, because I always end up comparing them to you. None of them has ever intrigued me the way you do everytime we would talk. Every single time I'd try to get to know someone else, I would always end up wishing it was you instead. That's when it started to hit me--It was always you. No matter how hard I try to deny and repress it, at the end of the day it's only you I think about whenever I can't fall asleep at night. It's you who I want to make new memories with, and it's you who I want to fall in love with. I love being your friend, but I wish I wasn't just a friend at the same time. I want more than that, because I honestly have so much to give.

Maybe I really was just deluding myself into believing that you were just a happy crush. Or that I was contented with being your friend. Maybe this isn't even just a big fat crush anymore. Maybe it's time for me to come to terms with the truth that I really, really do like you. Maybe it's time I stop being a coward, and to actually do something about this. Who knows, maybe this could turn out to be the start of something great, right?

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"Do not forget: We Filipinos are the first Asian people who revolted against a western imperial power, Spain; the first who adopted a democratic republican constitution in Asia, the Malolos Constitution; the first to fight the first major war of the twentieth century against another western imperial power, the United States of America. There is no insurmountable barrier that could stop us from becoming what we want to be."

- Jose W. Diokno

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"Now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it"

Isolation has truly taken it's toll on my overall dynamic as a person. This is not to say that I am now an introvert, because I am certain that I'm still one loud extrovert. However, being away from a crowd, and being deprived of any form of physical social interaction has definitely changed me--or at least, the way I perceive things now.

I will be straight up lying if I'd say that it doesn't feel lonely, because it sure as hell does. There are definitely nights where I'd find myself thinking and longing for the feeling of holding someone close. I feel lonely, but not to an extent that I can afford risking the tranquility I've worked and struggled so hard to achieve in the last year.

For now, I just want to revel in this peace that I have finally found and built. It feels nice to wake up everyday and go to sleep at night without being haunted by doubts, uncertainties and insecurities. It feels nice to live in your own bubble and focus solely on yourself, and not give a damn about anything else that is irrelevant as of the time being.

I personally do not know how long I can keep this up, and honestly the last thing I want now is to make half-hearted decisions because of external pressure. For now, the only voice I want to hear and listen to is mine. Right now, I absolutely do not mind spending time alone--in fact, I am sincerely enjoying it that I wouldn't trade it for anything else at this point.

This "drought" is certainly turning out NOT being the worst, after all.

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"My eyes see you, I see you but, you don't see me"

This line perfectly sums up the dynamics of what we have (or should I say, do not?) right now.

I can clearly see that you're interested with someone else right now as I am writing this blog post that might never even reach you or anyone else. Believe it or not... I see and notice everything. How you would playfully dismiss any form of subtle flirting attempts I make. How you would purposely leave my messages left unread for hours, even when you're online and sharing random stuff.

I can see that you're only responding to my messages out of politeness, not because you like to talk to me. I see and feel everything, you know. I guess I'm really just as stubborn as a mule for keeping up with this setup no matter how frustratingly sad and sometimes borderline humiliating it can be.

I just want to be there for you when you need someone to talk to. Be your go-to person when you're feeling sad, empty, lost, and anything in between. I want to be the first person that you're going to think about whenever a good love song comes on shuffle. Just like what I told you in that fateful night of February 14, I wanna be somebody to you.

So, no matter how painstakingly this gets, I am holding my ground. I've had my fair share of regrets in life, mostly concerning things that I wished I had fought for, and I don't want you to be one of those lingering regrets that will come haunt me in the future.

For now, I guess I'll just settle and be contented with watching you from a safe distance, somewhere you can't see me. Maybe one day, you'll finally look my way and realize that I'm here all along. Please don't take too long, though? :---(((

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Is it weird that I dont see myself walking down the aisle while wearing a flashy yet uncomfortable wedding gown while holding a boquet of flowers in the near future? Is it weird that I cant seem to see myself as a full grown family woman? Is it weird that I dont see myself ending up with someone, may it be a man or another woman til we both turn gray? Is it really weird that even such a young age, I already know, and feel that settling down isnt something that is meant to happen for me? I have already been used to being on my own, ever since I am little. I do things that children my age arent expected to do just yet, and I cant seem to see myself being accepted by someone. Maybe, It was really my fate to end up alone. To be on my own. Maybe, just maybe... I am really not deserving of someone else's love.

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to quote taylor swift album 6 song 3 line 7 word 5, “shit”

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Only one month till the reputation stadium tour kicks off! (May 8th, 2018)

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today I literally heard a woman say “i cooked two separate meals for easter because my husband said the first one I made was too girly ”

girl just throw the whole husband out

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“To whoever loves me next, I’m sorry if I’m afraid of you or if days of flirting turn to radio silence, without warning. I’m sorry if I make you say the words over and over and over until I believe them. (I’m sorry if I don’t believe them.) I will probably spend more time worrying about losing you than I spend trying to keep you. Trouble is, every single time I’ve ever thought something was too good to be true– I’ve been right. Understand, I will know how to be vulnerable with you, but I won’t know how not to regret it. And I have no idea how deep we’ll be into this relationship before I admit I’ve never done this before. Not really. Not in any way that counts. Before I admit that I know how to put my body inside someone else’s but not how to make it beautiful. I probably won’t be easy to love. Too many people loved me badly, I’m not sure I know how to do it right.”

— Ashe Vernon

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Concept: A gender reveal party but AFTER the kid is born.

Like when the kid is 6 or 12 or 18 or 24. When the kid has decided what their gender is or isn’t.

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But you’ll come back each time you leave

          Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a  d a y d r e a m

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“Trust me. Those heartaches will heal sooner or later and they will lead you to your right one.”

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