lacyviolet

[lacyviolet]

having to force my voice higher, my shoulders forced back, my chest growing into my 20’s, having to shave every day, trying to chase the feminine everyday, force it to come “naturally” is a stab in my heart every day. it’s a reminder that i’m not naturally a woman, i wasn’t born into the body i feel like i should’ve been. i wasn’t born to live the life i crave, im not who i’m supposed to be, the mirror doesn’t lie. i wasn’t born a woman and im reminded everyday every time i have to do these things.

[lacyviolet]

yeah that feels like a woman’s chin you piece of shit

[lacyviolet]

Yoink

[lacyviolet]

anika my little horse girl

[lacyviolet]

Vetheuil under the Sun (1880) by Claude Monet

[lacyviolet]

does anyone just feel the need to change their name? if this was a game which life sometimes feels like it is i wish it were easier to change your name and everyone can just recognize it and remember and just call you by the name you feel but that’s way too lucrative and confusing so nvm

[lacyviolet]

[lacyviolet]

plume

Tomorrow is my first day on plume, I wonder what it will be like to have a doctor who specializes in people like me, not some cracked out Johnny sins look alike who doesn't remember my name, what dose I am on, what pills to prescribe next, what dosage I should take and has no knowledge on how to handle trans patients. Plume is expensive but I am hoping despite the expensive price that the quality and care for me is good. I mean my boyfriend is basically forcing me to do it not in a controlling way but in a "you need this, this is important I don't care the price we will figure it out" I love him

[lacyviolet]

trans woman living in a mans world - don't paint your nails

I had an interview today, I felt like I was myself and I feel like they liked me. The only thing is I feel like I sensed confusion, I am not extremely passing, no where near in my eyes - I give off anonymous in most cases, hence why I get stares for people trying to figure out what I am. It is disheartening but that is just how the world works. A week before the interview my mom told me to not paint my nails because "If she would see someone with painted nails she wouldn't hire them" she is referring to a man with painted nails, because I am not out to her she just assumes I am a man who paints his nails. This really got in my head the rest of the week leading up to the interview, ruined my whole day if I am being honest. It felt demoralizing, humiliating and more. Of course she didn't see it that way she just wanted the best chance for me to get this job. A part of me knows she's right though. In a male dominated world I have to just conform. This job is for an artist position and I personally know they are more relaxed and laid back, liberal of course, for the most part that is. Despite knowing that it was still in my head I had to conform. So I did. I got some slacks, a button up shirt from the men's section and a blazer and some black loafers. I liked the outfit as is but it just didn't feel entirely me. My boyfriend told me to wear a skirt and a button up with it. Mainly because I wear skirts to make up for my lack of femininity if I am being honest. Plus they're comfortable. Today I just wore what I felt like I had to to conform. When I got there the lady interviewing me was relaxed, in a cute salmon blouse and white overalls. She picked at her bruise and tried to explain why she has it. The whole time since I first saw her to the end I felt not myself. I feel like I acted like myself in a professional setting but I didn't feel like I look like myself, dysphoria is a big factor in this but in the back of my head I just felt self conscious. I felt like I presented too masculine. A majority if not all the staff were female and I felt safe in that aspect, felt safe seeing all gender bathrooms, but I didn't feel safe in my own skin and the clothes I chose. Looking back I wish I chose more feminine presenting clothes. Maybe not a skirt but a nice blouse with slacks would have been nice. I didn't feel confident enough mainly because of the seed my mom planted into my head. If she wouldn't have said anything I probably would've just worn that but I let her get to me, like I always do, just cause I've always cared too much what she thinks about me. That is why it is so hard to come out to her. I went home and changed to go to work after, same slacks, some sneakers and a cozy sweater (In July I know I am so blessed to be able to wear what I wear due to the weather being so tempered and cool). I just hope my clothes didn't feel too off to them, didn't feel to masculine and harsh. It's weird though. I see women wearing what I would wear but no one questions them and their femininity. They look strong people say... Is it just my dysphoria doubting my own femininity, do people really care? Do people think I look more masculine because of what I chose? I had a purse with me maybe that'll help right? Right... I just hope I am still considered for the role despite looking pretty androgynous today in my eyes. I hope it is a safe place for trans people, I assume so because they're artists and work with marginalized groups of people which people who do that line of work tend to show and feel more empathy to others who are different than them and also apart of marginalized groups. Here's to living in a man's world, a world where women and trans women have to fear what men think of them, fear they might not get the job they desire because of the way they present themselves. Too fem, too masc, not too much makeup but just the right amount, not too formal but just enough to look kept up, dress up but not too much, fit into the male gaze and don't paint your nails if you aren't passing. I wish my mom would have never said that to me.

[lacyviolet]

[lacyviolet]

its cute its pretty i like it!

it’s not cute or pretty you’re a man it’s cool not cute

[lacyviolet]

Lorde for Document Journal (May 2025)

[lacyviolet]

[lacyviolet]

i love having a digital diary, i feel like im spreading myself and my thoughts everywhere though

tumblr is for visual / text it’s amazing to just type everything and just let it all out without worrying i feel like this is a good platform for that

instagram is for visual sweet short concise messages and letting the images speak for themselves

my journal app has my daily stuff daily life with video memos

docs is used for idk mix of everything mainly text tho when im feeling more poetic and down

there id this dad and son playing with a ball and paddle on the beach next to me and it’s so relaxing watching them play and be happy

[lacyviolet]

feeling the ocean spray on my lips is healing

[lacyviolet]

am i ever going to love again am i ever going to love again an i ever going to love again

yes

[lacyviolet]

Create Anxiety

am I just anxious from the coffee I just consumed or am I anxious of the state of the world or is it for fear of money, or could it be my life is fleeting, everyone getting older we aren't who we used to be but we carry our past selves with us at all times, our traumas our thoughts, feelings. It is always with us no matter where we go they will always follow us. Nostalgia. Maybe all my anxiety is from my gender, what I can and cannot change, when I look in the mirror it is there, I am there, but not really me, not the me I see and feel in my head, how I want others to perceive me - how I want others to feel how I feel but to also forget the old me, how I looked mainly. My gender is always a shadow following me wherever I go, looming against me. I feel it behind my back crawling up telling me how others perceive me how others think I look how others think I feel, how others know me when I dont even know my self. My shadow is always there, my gender is always present within my lips within my eyes and hair and lack there of. When will my shadow be my friend and not my enemy. When will I love myself, maybe when others can see me for who I am and not for who I was.