laduree

[laduree]

August

I'm not entirely sure what I want to say, I just know that I need to write more regularly because it has been a constant in my life. Somehow it has fallen off and I am trying to figure out why.

Maybe this is what adulthood is? Maybe I've just been deeply depressed and I've been in denial. Last year, for the first time in my life, I asked to be medicated because I could not pull myself out of the recesses of my mind. I was feeling crazy because of how withdrawn I was. I know I'm an emotional person. I know that I'm sensitive, and I've been trying to extend myself the grace that I know I deserve. It's hard.

I got to a place last year where I decided to go no contact with my dad. We had a fight in 2023 that shifted this idea that I had where I believed that my dad had changed for the better. I was wrong. A twenty minute phone call destroyed any of the understanding that I had given him for several years. I was tired of being the person in the family that had to be responsible for everyone. This obligation as the oldest daughter to have to withdraw from yourself to make sure that everyone else is okay. I'm not a perfect person and I accept this. But I deserve to tend to my own garden too. All of the emotional fall out that comes with being estranged from a parent hit me like a truck. I don't regret the decision, it was the best thing I could do for myself to keep myself together. Sometimes it feels lonely because I don't have anyone I can relate to. I feel like I'm constantly having to re-explain why I've made this decision. Maybe part of me is still trying to justify it when I know that I don't have to.

I know the way that I feel won't last forever. When you're in it, it's hard to understand that as time passes there is a chance it will be better. I'm trying not to overwhelm A or feel like a burden. I know I'm not 21 anymore. I know I'm not in an emotionally abusive relationship. I hate that the damage still shows up in a way that makes me feel like I could be a burden or that I'm upsetting my partner. Sometimes I wish I had never let another person have that much power over my life. Especially because I'm sure that I never cross their mind.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and make different decisions. Sometimes I wish I didn't hate myself.

[laduree]

2025

It's been a really long time. There have been so many moments where I've wanted to write, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It used to be an outlet to write. Now I don't know how to feel, so I'm forcing myself to do this to see where it takes me.

I am still with A. There have definitely been ups and downs. It's different for me to want to try to work through points of contention. I've found that in the past I would shut down and detach immediately without taking into account the impact it would have on the other person. I don't do this with A, and I have never done that with him. It has shown me that I do have the ability to maintain a healthy relationship.

I've never had a relationship like this before. If he's forever, I'd be really happy to spend forever with him.

[laduree]

2023

I'm going to make this short and sweet because I don't feel any inspiration to write, but feel the need to document a couple of things.

You've met my parents and we spent New Years Eve with them. Despite all my anxiety, it went well. You are the first person I've introduced to both of my parents. Can't believe it.

We're going to be together for two years in March, but by the time May comes around I'll have known you for three years? Time flies.

I've started microdosing because I went through a depressive episode that I couldn't seem to shake. I'm really loving it.

My department is being shifted overseas, so I'll be in a new role by the beginning of February :(

I still really love you. I love how well we get along and how you make me feel so special. I'm starting to see the shift in our relationship now where I think (?) we're more comfortable with each other. At least that's how I feel.

I have plans to travel around the US and Europe, so I'm really looking forward to that after not travelling since 2019. Wow.

I've been going to therapy more regularly since I work from home for the most part. It's helped a lot with perspective and keeping my head straight.

I'm hoping for good things to come this year. I'm being optimistic. The amount of stress and anxiety that I took on for the past couple of months wasn't great. I'm at a point where I'm not dealing with any anxiety, so I'm grateful for that.

I am so lucky, everything goes my way. This is the only energy that I will accept in 2023.

[laduree]

Globe

I've fallen deep into you. It's inexplicable. I know that I have never been in love with anyone the way I'm in love with you. You're the first and last thought on my mind. I know this is the honeymoon phase where everything is still glittery and new, but it's so pure to experience the happiness that comes along with it. The care you have for me and the tenderness you share with me always leaves me breathless. One of the last times we had sex, you looked up at me and told me that you loved me so much. I know that you do, it's just that each time you say it it seems so out of this world that you're actually mine. You're beautiful and I don't think that you really know it. Your mind is so beyond what I can comprehend. I just hope that you're able to harness that creativity and show everyone what you're capable of.

You've moved back home to save money while you work on yourself. You'll be spending every other week with me here which means I'll get more time with you. It'll be different to come home with you here. I think it'll be really nice to have you all to myself for an extended period. It will also give us a better idea of what it would be like if we ever decided to move in together.

I got a new job as a manager in one of the operations departments at head office. I start in July. I'm getting a significant salary increase that I couldn't fucking believe it when my new manager called me to extend the offer. I told myself that within five years at the bank I wanted to be closer to making six figures and out of retail banking. I fucking did it and all I had to do was be myself. I didn't have to play the stupid game where I had to kiss anyone's ass to secure a spot. I fucking did it because I busted my ass and showed everyone exactly what I could do and what my potential is. I'm proud to say that I did this myself. I did it. I seriously fucking did it. If I had told myself five years ago where I'd be now, I wouldn't have believed it.

[laduree]

Understand

There are a few things that you said to me yesterday that have cycled through my mind repeatedly. 'I love you...I love you so much.' It felt as if the air was knocked out of my lungs? I didn't know how to react. I remember kissing the centre of your stomach and being in awe of you. It's wild to me that this is my reality. It's one of the best feelings in the world. There isn't really any doubt anymore.

At this point, you've truly seeped your way into every facet of my life. I told you that I couldn't imagine my life without you in it now. I know that nothing lasts forever and I never went into this relationship expecting forever. This is the most serious that I've been about anyone. I trust you to a degree that I never imagined I could in a romantic relationship. It feels naïve to think of a future of myself with another person because I've only ever considered that once in my life many, many years ago. I am willing to open myself up to the idea, with you, because I genuinely love you. I'm at a point where I've accepted that if this goes sideways it will hurt me a lot. I just don't care. I don't care because it's worth it to experience all of this with you.

[laduree]

2022

I told you that I loved you on the morning of New Year's day and you said it back.

Most of December was spent working through what my feelings are for you. Whether I could actually label this as love. I feel as though my idea of what love means has been skewed by previous experiences. This is the first time in adulthood that I get to experience it in the most healthy way possible. I've been skeptical of how successful online dating could be for me -- I'd always heard of stories of other people meeting decent partners, but I never thought that would be me. A lot of what I have with you, I didn't think would ever be available to me. I told myself that those experiences would always be for others and it would be okay if it didn't happen for me.

You are so patient and kind. I didn't make it easy for you to get to know me or see the person that I am when I'm vulnerable. Through all of my intimacy and body image issues, you've had a level of patience that no one has ever given me before. You understand me without needing an explanation. You want to listen to anything and everything that I have to say. I am still a work in progress, but you make me want to be better in every way. I just like who I am when I'm with you. The chemistry that I have with you is far beyond anything that I've ever had. I love the way you smell and taste. I'm actually obsessed with the way you smell. It's one of my favourite things in the world to kiss you on your cheek or your neck to get a whiff of your scent. I love kissing your fingers and holding your hand. I just love who you are.

[laduree]

How to Be

You've been away for the holidays to spend time with your mom and stepdad. You told your mom about me on Christmas morning. You've told me before that you're serious about me and this is another indicator. Your mom was so happy that she wanted to video chat with me. It was really sweet to see how much your mom loves you. I kind of can't wait to meet her in person. I've reflected about our time together because I didn't think we'd make it this far. I believed that it wouldn't be possible to feel the way that I do now and have you reciprocate the same feelings. You've been really good to me in a way that makes me question whether I deserve it. Rationally, I know that I do, but it's hard to accept.

I'm serious about you. You are supposed to meet my parents on NYE. I don't think that's happening anymore because Omicron is fucking everything up for everyone again. You've met almost all of my friends now and they all like you so much. I mean, I know that I like you, but I didn't know whether my friends would approve. You're the first person that I've been with that isn't slightly embarrassing. I've made a lot of bad decisions when it comes to dating. I'm glad that I am no longer stuck in that cycle, otherwise I don't think that I would have met you. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm looking forward to whatever that means with you. I asked you a theoretical question about moving in together. You said you'd move to the city for me because you wouldn't want to derail my life. It's very strange to be in this position because I've never had to maybe consider moving in with a partner. I just haven't really gotten that far in terms of committing.

The other day after I had texted you to tell you that I really appreciated you, you told me that I was one of the best things to happen to you and you asked me if we were ever going to use the L word. It's been really easy to like you, but hard for me to accept. I'm obviously very emotionally invested in you. I think it is fair to say that almost all my close friends already know that I'm in love with you. I've only told you that I 'think' that I'm falling in love with you. Personally, I feel like you know that that's bullshit because you probably thought I was testing the waters to see how you'd react. When I said that I did mean it, but only because I've recently come to terms with the fact that I do love you. Maybe this is corny, but I'm thinking of telling you that I love you on New Years.

[laduree]

Secret

I celebrated my birthday this weekend by throwing a party for the first time. I don't usually like attention, but last year was depressing as fuck -- I had to do the opposite this year. Also, it was a good way for my friends to meet Andrew. Only two of my close friends got to meet him because he had to work late, but they both approved. I wasn't waiting on the approval of my friends, but I did hope that they would like him. Mindy said that she thought we were perfect together and that really, really made me so happy. I have always wondered how other people would perceive us together.

I feel so good with him. I'm happy whenever I'm around him and I know that he feels the same way. I've never been with a person like him before. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. I was basically blackout drunk on Saturday, so my memories are fragmented and I've lost time. I do know that I told Andrew that I was falling in love with him. He'd made a comment that he knew it 'took me awhile' to get to a place to be comfortable with him. Waking up on Sunday, I knew that I needed to do it sober. Andrew told me that he was starting to fall in love with me too. I hope that he is. Now I have a better idea of where I stand. He reads me so well in a way that I didn't know was possible. For whatever reason, I thought that I had been presenting a slightly muted version of myself.

He is really special and I hope that he knows that.

[laduree]

Token

When May comes along it'll have been two years that you've been in my life. Granted, at that point we had only started talking. Still, the idea that you've been in my life for a significant amount of time is way beyond what I ever expected. I did not think I would end up interested in anyone whatsoever -- especially not during a pandemic. I didn't think I had it within me to be in a functional romantic relationship. I didn't think that I could still be intrigued by the same person for an extended period of time.

I'm probably in love with you, but the thought of broaching that topic makes me want to jump off my balcony. That's dramatic, but that's how it really feels. I'm scared. It's insane to me that you've managed to work yourself into my mind. There have been so many barriers that have tried very hard to keep you out to no avail. And even then, part of me wanted this because I feel as though I deserve to have something good in my life too. You're good. Regardless of how this turns out, I am really glad to have you in my life. Yesterday, you referred to this relationship as, 'a cool time in my life'. I hope that doesn't change any time soon. I do want to grow with you and see where that takes me. This is the first time that I can really say I'm happy to be in a relationship. So often it's felt like a burden. You've never made me feel that way.

It's weird to be having sex with one person for an extended period. I've been so used to blips in my life where I am sleeping with various people that I have no attachment to. This is so much better. It's a lot more fun. This is really the most fun that I've ever had with the opposite sex. My attraction to you is beyond -- my sex drive hasn't been this heightened in years. I keep waiting for it to pause or wane because that's what's normal for me. This weekend you recorded us fucking in my kitchen. This is the first time I've ever been interested in recording anything of that nature. I know physical attraction is not everything, but to have evidence of your attraction to me is heady. It was extremely wild to see myself from your perspective because I have never seen myself in that way. It was far more fun than I expected it to be.

[laduree]

Maybe

We're still together. Still haven't found a reason to hate you. I've become more accepting of the fact that I'm in a romantic relationship -- I've started to actually open up more. It's surprising.

A few weeks ago you were lying down on the couch. I was sitting on top of you trying to find the words to describe how I felt about my poor body image. I cried. I wanted to cry harder than I did, but it was embarrassing enough to have cried at all. I know that you didn't judge me for it. The majority of the judgement I face seems to be directly from me. I'm trying to be better. You held me while I shoved my face into your shoulder so that you couldn't look at me. I'm suddenly realizing now that my cries had to be amplified in your ear because I was so close to you. It was easier to collect myself than I expected. Now you know what I look like when I cry. With that said, in a moment of vulnerability I asked you if this negatively impacted your perception of me. You said, 'No.' Sometimes I wonder what it will take for you to find me problematic -- it is hard to believe that I can be enough.

I still haven't labelled what I feel for you. Again, maybe I'm falling in love with you and I just don't know it yet.

[laduree]

Second

I'm moving this week. I won't be living in the centre of downtown anymore, but I'll still be close enough that it'll only take 20 minutes via subway to get to the city. I'll be living in a much nicer area by myself for the first time really. I'm excited, but also fairly anxious. I know that it'll be worth it and I know that I'll be so happy. I'm going to end up spending more money than I want to on furniture. I figure that I'll be keeping most of it when I move again. I'm hoping that I'll be in this condo for at least two to three years. We'll see.

I haven't seen Andrew for around two weeks now because our schedules don't exactly align. I do miss him. I think it's cute that he feels the need to apologize about not being able to see me when I already know that he's busy. I haven't fallen into the void where I wonder whether he wants to see me or not. The past few months, I've come to trust my reality for the most part. I know that he wants to spend time with me because he's been able to communicate what he wants. I see it in his face when I'm with him. I can feel it whenever we're together. It's been important for me to continue to try being more open with him about how I feel. It's hard to admit my attachment. I know that for this to be different I have to be honest about my feelings even if I do get hurt. And I know that it doesn't help to safeguard myself for what the outcome may be in the future. I still don't entirely know if I can label what I feel for him. This is the closest I've been to accepting the idea of potentially falling in love with a person.

When I shut my eyes at night, sometimes I think about the way your beard feels in my palms. I'll think about the way you drum your fingers against my skin when you take in the beat of a song we're listening to. I think of the uncomfortable giggle that you let out when I breathe loudly into your ear because it tickles and you hate it. I haven't had this with another person in a very long time. I still wonder why I'm so drawn to you. I've wondered whether this would have panned out the same way if we met in a more organic way -- at school, at work or at a party. I'd like to believe that once I got to know you I'd still be drawn to you. You are very magnetic in a way that it's hard for me to ignore. It's weird to compare what I'm experiencing now to what I experienced as a teenager/young adult. My ex was magnetic too, but the level of intensity was so overwhelming. Partially because I was too immature to understand my emotions. I'm older now and I know myself far better than I did back then. This is why I'm trying so hard to be vulnerable with you. You deserve a proper chance. I've said this numerous times, but you are so nice and extremely patient. You are genuinely kind in a way where it is just a part of who you are. It is so endearing to me.

I'm scared that I'll be the one to fall in love first. I don't want to be the one to say it. I don't want to wait with bated breath. I don't have a clear window into your mind. I know that you know I have feelings for you. To an extent, based on what you've said to me, I know that you have feelings too. I just don't know how deep they are. I figure because of your willingness to be in a relationship with me, you can foresee yourself falling in love. Otherwise, I don't believe you would have pursued anything with me. I wonder when or if you'll tell me.

[laduree]

Transparent Soul

I really want to be able to trust you. Part of me already does even though it's not in my nature. You've managed to unlock this side of me that I don't often get to explore. And if this ends badly or if I behave in a way that makes you decide that I'm not a person you want to be in a relationship with, I still have to be grateful for what you've shown me. There are still a few barriers that I have to deal with myself and I think that I need to be more honest with you. I'm not comfortable with the idea of discussing my major insecurities at length. I need to do it for myself more than for you. I don't think it's fair to close myself off this way and leave you hanging with a taste of what I'm really like. Close myself off and pretend as though the vulnerability that you want from me doesn't matter. It matters. All of it. I have a lot of fear.

Small doubts that swirl in the back of my head still exist. For some reason, they were a bit louder this weekend after I'd seen you. I learnt more about your ex this weekend because I was curious and you were willing to share. I worried that my similarities with her would be my downfall after processing what you told me. I worried that maybe you swapped her for another copy of her, that resulted in me. I know that I'm not her. And those similarities exist, but they are just that: similarities. We are not the same person. Tonight you were the most honest you've been about how you feel being with me. It was a short message, but I appreciated it. You said you were happy that we met, that I make you want to be better, healthier and more successful. You also said that you could feel yourself maturing and you're excited about new things. I'm always curious about where I stand in your eyes. What my impact has been, if anything. Now I know. I've never engaged in a relationship that has stayed positive for the length of time that this one has so far. You make me want to be better too. For all the right reasons. I feel like I can grow with you. I haven't been able to say that about anyone really.

I've wondered for years what it would take for me to potentially fall in love. I've never had an answer. I still don't. If we're going to be completely honest about my emotional trajectory here, I think I'm closer to falling in love with a person than I have been in a really long time. This has been clear to the people in my life because my grasp on reality has been lacklustre. I've created my own reality where I am constantly downplaying what is happening in front of me to avoid getting my hopes up. This is a constant theme. If I set low expectations, I can't be let down. I have to stop doing this because it's unfair. To me. To Andrew. It's hard to let go of this mindset. The last person that I truly let in caused such an extreme amount of damage that it has always framed the way that I perceive romantic relationships. This is the first time in years where I am genuinely connecting with another person as an adult because I want to. Not because anyone else wants me to. I want Andrew based on the sole reason that I want him. And there's nothing else.

I'm happy that I met you. I was beginning to believe that maybe I was aromantic. That's probably a little dramatic, but I sincerely found it difficult to experience any level of romantic attachment to anyone at all. There are so many things that I want to do with you when the city starts opening back up. I have less anxiety over the idea of introducing you to the people in my life. I want you to be integrated into my life properly. And you're the first person that I've wanted to have fully integrated into my world. I know this will open me up to what scares me most: getting hurt. There's nothing for it. This is what has to happen in order for me to experience any level of growth. I have to accept that. I also have to accept that you are not on a mission to hurt me, as evidenced by the way you've treated me this entire time that I've been getting to know you. And getting to know you has been the most fun that I've had in a long time, despite all of the anxiety that has ensued. I like who I am when I'm around you.

[laduree]

EVGENY LUSHPIN Paris - Night

[laduree]

Boiserie from the Hôtel de Varengeville

[laduree]

Van Gogh details at Musée d’Orsay, Paris

[laduree]

A Rainy Day In Paris

[laduree]

Egon Schiele: Embrace