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lalabeth · 6 days ago

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Almost The Best Thing

~Pairing- exhusband!Hongjoong x Reader

~Genre- Emotionally heavy, angst with no comfort I fear, miscommunication, emotional abandonment, missed connection

~Word Count- 3k

The coffee shop down the street from your shared home once felt warm. Oh how it felt so cozy. Like an extended part of your home. But you hadn’t entered this room in weeks. The lights seemed dimmer, as if they too had started losing energy trying to stay on for you two. And the once warm aura was now still and harshly cold. The table you sat at with your fingers laced together felt like a brick of ice all around you even though you waited for 30 extra minutes and now 20 scheduled minutes in the same spot.

Across from you was a man that you once knew. That once made this place a part of home. But much like the little cafe, parts of him felt different. Changed. Not in a cold way like one would expect to match the season outside and the feelings of yours inside. No, he looked warm. Like he was thriving. But inside you could see the lights starting to dim in there too.

“My lawyer says we’re divorced…” he scoffed as he finally spoke up.

You sighed leaning back in the booth and shifting your hands to your lap. You tilted your head looking at him for a moment longer before responding.

“Because we are.” Your voice flowed with ease. You could pat yourself on the back for getting those 3 words out without troubles. But you’ve come too far for it to not come out so easily now.

“And when did this happen? Hm? You still have your things at home.” your perfume lingering in the air. Your mug on the counter. Your hair in the shower. The wallpaper you had picked out for the house that felt like to him, only a couple months ago. He wanted to say all of these things. But he couldn’t get them out. His brain was all confused and muddled. Still in the head space of work hours as he was only on his scheduled hour of break. The words he already said probably came out too harsh because he was agitated from work. But you didn’t know that. You thought he was completely angry at you.

“3 weeks ago.” you looked down at your cup of hot chocolate- not one for coffee- and you could almost see your bored eyes staring back at you.

“I think I could remember something that happened 3 weeks ago.” he crossed his arms and raised a brow at you. Beneath the table his knee shook wildly. You couldn’t feel it. The booths seemed further away from each other than usual.

“Then why don’t you?” you looked up at him with the same cold stare. Tired. Tired of giving him your emotions that were bleeding down your sleeves.

“Because it never-”

“On my birthday…I laid out a package on your desk. Wrapped it in a nice blue bow in a black box…Inside was the divorce papers. Amongst a 4 pager letter I had written to you explaining why I was doing this. Asking for a separation.” you stared at him dead in the eyes and he furrowed his brows as if trying to remember. And when he started seeing flashes of the blue shiny ribbon you continued.

“The next time I went into your office, the box was moved. To a corner shelf. Collected dust for a week and a half…I waited. A whole 2 weeks for you to answer. For anything.” your voice was too smooth. As if the one telling the story was not the one that lived it.

“The next week I put it in a manila envelope like the ones that you were used to seeing covering your desk. I put my name on it. Wrote ‘Important’ in block print. The folder was stuffed under books. Torn but never opened. Tape still sealed at the fold…I waited 2 more weeks for you to open that.” you bit at the inside of your lip. You were trying to keep your composure but the rest of your energy you were willing to give to the man before you was seeping out faster than you wanted it to.

“I-”

“Three days after our 5 year marriage anniversary, I delivered my last quiet message. I took out the 4 page letter and just left the divorce agreement papers. I just needed your signature once.”

“I didn’t-”

“Do you remember now? Do you remember how I almost tore open the binder in front of you and demanded you sign the separation papers. Do you remember how you groaned and with your eyes closed put not only your signature, but your stamp. Your thumbprint all where I asked for your tiny little signature.” your fingers rolled into your palms and clenched into fists. You were still angry.

“I didn’t know…that’s what you meant.” He looked down at your coffee tumbler. It was different from the one that you usually carried. But then again, the one he was used to seeing broke 2 years ago. He broke it.

“What else could I have possibly meant, Hongjoong?” he finally looked back up at you. Eyes shaking as he looked all around your face for even a resemblance of a chance to be forgiven. But when did you get so stone cold.

“I don’t know…” He couldn’t hold your gaze. The glowing energy around him was starting to fade as his memory slowly put together moments that he had with you a month ago. He had just gotten off the phone with his assistant about needing to sign papers for a conjoined group advertisement. Papers, papers, papers. His mind was all over the place and he was swallowed in soft lights and smiling faces that made him feel like he was floating on cloud 9. He hit rock bottom in stress and took it out on you when you were trying to get his attention. To at least give him the chance to change fate between the two of you.

“You signed and stamped that paper as if I were giving you freedom. And so I did. I had already been moving my stuff out of the house. Things that I owned. You can keep the house. Everything else that is in it. It's all yours.” You just sighed as you looked out the window. The snow was falling gently outside.

“So this is how it ends?” Hongjoong felt weak. The rug was ripped from under him and he fell flat on his ass. Rock bottom. He never thought he’d hit it at the height of his career now.

“It has already ended, Hongjoong.” you put your mug back into the side of your bag, missing the way his hand reached out to grab the one you were already turning away from him. His fingers twitched as if he almost touched a burning flame.

“Can I…make this up to you somehow? I can be better, I just need time-” Hongjoong’s hand still lingered across the table where you sat. You didn’t reach forward. Somehow that broke the man even more.

“I gave you time. I gave you almost 10 years of my life. 5 years being married to you. Do you know the last time we had a full week together? A full day?” you tilted your head. Your cheeks raise as you squint your eyes. This time, and much like the last couple of times you looked at him, a smile did not follow.

Hongjoong sat in thought, getting ready to prove you wrong. But instead he retracted his hand and slouched in his spot on the edge of the booth seat, leg jittering in nervousness again. He couldn’t remember. What he could remember was all the plans he made with you. And all the other plans he let over shadow those.

“Our honeymoon. Hongjoong. Our honeymoon was some of the last days I went to sleep next to you after ending a beautiful week together. 5 years ago. And after that? Nights after being intimate…you were gone as if I were a one night stand. In our shared home. Our shared bed was cold. Long before I even opened my eyes.” your chest clenched just slightly as you saw his eyes shake with denial. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe himself. How could he let you slip this far?

“...this far…” Hongjoong’s thoughts slipped out as he shuttered in his seat.

You studied his features now. He looked paler than the version of him that walked in 30 minutes ago. The confidence that exuded from him wavered to the floor. You didn’t think he still had any resemblance of feelings for you. His actions proved otherwise. However, you stood your ground. You knew that if you accepted him back into your life, habits would take over, and you would lose him again.

You sat quietly for a moment letting him get his words together. You looked between the time on your phone and the outside world. The snow was beginning to stick on the streets and sidewalks. About half an inch you could guess. No cars had passed by. No people either. It seemed as if you were frozen in time. But when you looked at your phone again, 2 minutes had passed.

“I didn’t…mean for this to happen…I don’t know where I fell off at.” Hongjoong tried to meet your gaze, but your eyes stayed locked on the window.

“You were sucked into your work. I’m happy for you…but I wasn’t happy for this marriage after missed anniversary dinners and promised makeups. I was tired of the arguments. No, those dinners probably didn’t mean anything to you, but they meant everything to me. To me it was chances I hoped we took to strengthen our marriage. But day by day. You started to fade away. One little argument and you were sleeping in your work office or a hotel. Or drunk at a bar and I had to come get you from it at 3am because your friends were too drunk to take you home. So I stopped arguing. I focused on my work and you focused on yours. Life became quiet…” you took a deep breath before looking at him again. Tears threatening to fall from big brown eyes and shoulders shaking from hiccups.

“We can’t go back to how things were. And that’s okay. We tried to do this too young…we tried…I tried…but we just weren’t ready to merge our lives. We are two separate people.” You shook your head as Hongjoong opened his mouth and closed it repeatedly.

“You were the best thing that happened to me…and maybe that’s where I went wrong…thinking of you as some…trophy…I promise- I didn’t mean to…I meant to love you outloud…I meant to make it to those dinners…but I chose meetings and events and shows…late nights in the studio…because I thought that showering you in the rewards were enough. I thought if I showed you the results of how your love pushed me through…it would be enough…I did it all wrong… I just couldn’t open my mouth correctly…I loved you.” Hongjoong’s words hurt him. Loved…past tense.

All you could do was sit and nod. Because you heard him. You understood. Every time he missed a dinner, days later or weeks later he would show up with dozens of roses, dresses that fit you beautifully as if he still remembered your every curve. Touches that never lingered when you opened your eyes the next morning…The awards on the shelves grew in numbers. Dying flowers replaced with new ones. Everything piled up and swallowed you whole. Not in the way that mattered.

“I wanted to hang on to everything that you had given me…but even after a while that stopped…not that I wanted the material things…but it was all I had left from you. Your heart was in your office. Mind on papers. Neither were ever shared with me. This will be better for the both of us…You don’t have to worry about pleasing my emotions anymore.” you looked away from him as your throat started to burn and the lights started to stretch in your vision. You stood and so did he, almost moving the whole booth as he stood up quicker.

“You have to know-” He reached over to the edge of the table.

“I know you didn’t mean for it to be like this Hongjoong…But that's the way this is. I’m not mad at you anymore. You too…were almost the best thing that happened to me.” you slipped your purse over your shoulder already ready to head back home.

“Don’t…I mean…will I ever see you again?” Hongjoong reached out to you. His fingers curled around your strap to your bag. Like a pull of gravity your hand slid down to hold his. Hongjoong gripped your hand tightly and encapsulated it in his palms.

“We shouldn’t…It will only make things difficult.” You shook your head letting Hongjoong hold your hand. A part of you deep down cried for this moment to have happened sooner. You let it cry. You let yourself feel his hands. Calloused with hard work. Trembling with fear.

“You’re right just...let me hold on. Just a little longer.” The tears fell. He couldn’t help it. He tried to be strong like you but the wound was fresher on him.

Going against the stronger part of you, you nodded and let him hold onto your hand. It was like the approval was his final straw and he broke down. Salty tears covered your knuckles as he brought your hand to his quivering lips. They were soft like you remembered. He sniffled and squeezed your hand as he brought it to his forehead. The back and forth motions broke you and for the first time in a while, you let your tears fall. You let your throat burn and the shaky breaths out. You pulled him close. Wrapping your arms around where you could as he was already sobbing into your neck and arms wrapped around your waist tightly. You could feel his tears soaking into your thin long sleeved shirt. His quiet sobs drowned out in the area between your neck and collarbone.

This is the closest you have been in months. It was bittersweet. More bitter than sweet but sweet all the same. He smelled the same. Fit the same in your arms. Felt the same under his white blouse. You let your senses be surrounded by him. You soaked in the last moment with him as he was doing with you. You felt his ribs beneath your hands. They were expanding and collapsing rapidly. A part of you hurt like this before. But that was long ago. And you weren’t comforted by the person that did it. And so you pulled away. It was a bit petty of you to, because you told yourself you didn’t necessarily want him to feel what you felt. But a part of you wanted him to feel the same abandonment. Crude.

“You’re even more beautiful than the day I asked you to marry me…” Hongjoong held your cheek in his palm. The corners of his lips quivered as they tried to strongly turn upwards. He didn’t want the last time you saw him to be so weak. He wiped your tears. He couldn’t stand to see you cry for the last time. He doesn’t know why he said it…but he had to get it out. You looked beautiful as you broke his heart. He could never hate you.

“Continue to take care of yourself, Hongjoong.” you reached to fix his hair and he leaned into your palm. You pulled away before you could let yourself linger for another moment.

“I wish you well, my love.” Hongjoong stepped to the side and let his body slouch forward in a weak bow.

You put one foot in front of the other and before you knew it, your face was turned to the white sky as snowflakes melted on contact with your face. You didn’t look back. You got in your car and drove away choosing to not let your car warm up before. You feared the irrational side of him would run out and cling to your car like it was his life support. You were his life support and you just pulled the plug.

After heading back to the office building, Hongjoong treaded through the building passing by the familiar faces and straight to his studio. When he made it inside, he plopped down in his chair as if he were carrying 100kg on his shoulders.

“Ah there you are! How was your lunch with Mrs- ah- Ms…” Hongjoong’s assistant stuttered and almost shrunk in his spot as Hongjoong looked over to him void of emotional reaction.

“Ms. l/n…We…aren’t together anymore.” Hongjoong’s voice was raspy and burned as he spoke. He hadn’t believed he would ever hear those words fall from his lips. He lost the greatest motivation because he just couldn’t open his mouth to tell you he loved you so much it hurt.

“I…can come back l-later…” The assistant laid papers on his desk and shuffled out of the room quickly.

His eyes scoured over the papers that were spread across his desk. Papers of ownership that were faxed over to him this morning from his lawyer. All about you. All about the divorce. All about the properties that you let him have. He would have given you the house. His cars. His studio apartment if you had asked. He should have given you more of his time. Not materials.

Hongjoong couldn’t believe it all until he saw you. He set up the meeting and you quickly replied saying you wanted to go to the cafe you used to go to with him. A part of him had childishly hoped this meant you weren’t going to go through with this separation. But how could he so selfishly wish like that.

He stared at the folder of papers the assistant had put on his desk before scurrying off. Letters. Poems. Songs. All about and for you. You were in everything that he did. He was just terrible at showing it. He wrote songs about you all day and night. The finalized lyrics to his most recent collection were just stamped for approval to continue with. But how could he continue with a love story when all he was experiencing was heartbreak. He lost you because of the very thing he cherished most. You.

a/n~ Hey~~ My first story on here :'). I'm not sure if I want this to be a series- it might get more sad -_-# Let me know what you think!

#it hurt so good i loved it

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