lalanboy

[lalanboy]

I don't really know what to write about, I just get this urge to write something. Something I'm feeling about right at this moment. So, what am I feeling right now? Am I sad, lonely or empty? I refuse to believe I'm any of that. I am writing this as someone who've never been in any romantic relationship in his life. As a 30 year old man who've never done any of that I felt like I am missing a lot of things. The only romances I had was all made up in my head. I love making up stories in my mind about somebody I'm into. Hundreds of "what if's" stored deep inside my brain. That's all I have, memories of what had happen and what did not. Echoes that either want to make me smile, laugh or cry in any time of the day making me look insane to the eyes of those who don't understand. I wonder if it's a curse, something I deserve for being scared of people or for being okay with just by myself and my thoughts. But I'm just a simple man who wanted something beautiful, something I could say, "I'm glad I had that." on the day of my last breath. I am not saying I'm dying we just don't really know when will the last word in our story be written.

As I look up at the stars at night, I wonder if anyone of them be staring at the same stars I'm staring. Wondering if they turned out happy on what they got in life. Some of them have kids now and I am truly happy for them but, why are my tears blurring my vision? They are the core of my fantasies, I guess the tale and delusion must end whether I want it or not. The burning sensation of missing someone who was never meant to be a part of your life. Someone you're affiliated with but only in dreams. For all I know I'm a stranger to them, just a distant character on the films they lead. You know, the one that died off-screen. I will never be someone's muse, I have accepted that fate. I'm just gonna drown myself through Taylor Swift's music. At least that way, I can be in a relationship without being in one. In fact, I am listening to TTPD right now sipping my warm tea as I'm writing this.

[lalanboy]

lucas

they said you are "superman" i thought to myself, "fuck, i'm intrigued" then you came and proved they were right did i felt happiness or was i just thinking of someone else but the smile i made was genuine with a hint of lust lucky, i got to work with this tall handsome dude from bilbao

saturday night, there was a concert of some local artists there are bottles of beer and sodas on the sidewalk shells of sunflower seeds spread out everywhere like confetti people are singing and dancing to the songs i've never heard before and i saw a woman peed in the open…like it was nothing

the flavours of doritos took over my tongue and i got a little bit tipsy with a bottle of jack a taste i don't even like, a feeling i never get used to a lot of us went to the bar after the last song ended there, i pretend i was someone who was outgoing and fun and honestly…it was fine

sunday, 3am hits the clock and my social battery has reached its limit the crew mates i'm with still have energies to spare so i just sat on the side of the street, they went to the bar next door there, i waited

alex saw me (not my alex), he's smiling he approached me and lend me a hand i reached for his and i stood up he's drunk or sober, i couldn't really tell he always act like that even onboard and at work but i think it's the thing that gives him charm and it's cute then there you are, walking towards us i felt really hot and it wasn't because of the alcohol on a second thought…maybe it was?

alex introduced me to you i said, "hello" you said, "hello" you gave me the most manly hand shake i've ever received in my life a bit more force and you'll probably crush my hand you are so intimidating and i always fell to that specific type of a man

the two ladies you are with joined in the one you're with gave me kisses on both my cheeks i don't know if she's your girlfriend but i got a feeling she's not you can get every girl you like with your hot and sexy appearance to tell you the truth, unfaithful guys was a big turn off for me but i am not going to judge you for it you're not going to be interested in me anyway i just thought to myself "if i was a girl, i wouldn't want to date someone like that"

we said goodbye and went on your way along the street as i stare at you in the distance thinking, "you'll probably fuck her tonight" it's none of my business so i let go of the thought i kinda wish someone would do the same thing and ask me out tonight funny, someone did though or i think it was a middle age whose words i could not understand "no habla español" was the only thing i know but she kept going even after i said that i don't know how many times i said no before she backed off i am into men, not women

time has passed and i forgot about it about what i felt the first time we met was it because of that night or was it because i know better "do not fall for unavailable guys, you will suffer consequences" karma's just around the corner, do not provoke it plus, i rarely see you so that must be it

my last night in cadiz was a memorable one evening of free concert, carnival and chaotic fun we dance, jump and sing to a band and the songs they cover your fine face showed up there i could find you even around a huge crowd i got so nervous, i avoided you there again in the bar, i couldn't look you in the eye alex was there too and the new 2nd officer whose name i would know later he pointed out the black mesh shirt i wore and gave me compliments about my body alex pinched my left nipple, that made me giggle everything was spinning uncontrollably as i got drunk then there you are, taking her somewhere some place only you and her could know i thought to myself, "i want to have that" "wish i could have that" "why can't i have that?" we went back on the ship with the thought of you clinging on my mind

november came, it was my time to be your watchman first hours was jut complete silence and i am never a stranger to quiet places but it probably bothered you, so you talked you were in front of me, i listened but nothings getting in my head except the view of your beautiful face you have the looks of the cuban-american actor william levy just the refined, younger and perfect version of his i just found out again the forgotten feeling i left somewhere

you became the very reason why i get excited everyday just knowing i have a time to steal some glances at your muscular body and your perfectly moulded butt cheeks makes him drool…the me inside my head when it gets dark and you are working in the computer the light on it makes me see you better i use a binocular to get a closer look and i get to stare at you for a very long time without you knowing knowing you can have an innocent look other than the tough one you always wear you were lost in front of the screen but i was lost in you

the jokes you made, the questions you asked was probably your way to know me better you got to know how i love the dark i got to know you love the light i love the rain you love the sun we were a complete opposites but you know, opposite attracts you told me once to sing you a song i refused to do it

"how about this, if you sing i sing?

"i don't know"

we just laughed and filled the air with easiness i'll smile everyday for you the birds you fed in the morning naming each one of them was funny predator (pre-day-tor) was one of them i did not understand it at first 'cause of the way you said it i like that side of you i even lied about something just to have a conversation with you i'm just glad to know you worried about me or was it just something i want to believe

i heard rumours about you and him that you did some things to get to the higher rank quickly but seeing both of you made me think that it was probably true the way you play around with each other says something but you said it yourself you skipped a lot of officers in line for the promotion it came to me as a shock but i guess you gotta do what you gotta do

i dream about what happened him sucking you dry you fucking him hard or maybe it's the other way around and i got really jealous of him he got a chance to see you naked to see the one thing i've been wanting to see he has the power over you—frankly, over us too or maybe you have the power over him i have no way of knowing i just gotta stop thinking about it

the thing you got down there is something i want to touch to see, to smell, to taste and to keep for myself the greediness in me is showing when it comes to this kind of stuff the silhouette in your tiny pants wasn't enough for me the fantasies i made in my head wasn't gonna cut it less than a second of glimpse wasn't gonna make me feel satisfied i want you all to myself

that is one of the reasons why i am afraid to fall in love to be with someone my obsession comes with it obsessive trait is what most people hate from a person i don't want the person i love hate me because of it i don't want it but i can't help it it is something wrong that i need to reconstruct in my head can obsession be something good? or is it just a tool for one's destruction

but now, i only have a week of dreaming you are leaving next week and i don't know how to deal with that today, i couldn't even smile at you and i felt horrible because it change the air inside the room why do i have to feel sad whenever the people i like leaves? i've been through this many times before and i am still not used to this remember, time heals everything… time heals everything

i learned my lessons i need to stop being so dramatic there's no need to act snobby give him smiles until the last day i had a little moment with you earlier i touched your hand and it's not the way i remember it somehow, it's soft and tender like it wasn't built for lifting weights and your cold hands matched with mine i'm going to miss this

you are provoking my whole being and i know you are also watching me no complaints on my part i like it when you pull your shorts upward you made it seem like you are just wearing a boxer brief i want to get stuck between those lovely legs and stay there until sunrise

i wonder what ran on your mind when you caught me looking at you i would not have deny it if you asked me about it the look on your face spelled a "question mark" and i'm so ready for a new arc in my story but i shook my head and stare back at the horizon with a view of a purple-pink painted morning sky i wiped off the smirk on my face

the conversation came as natural as it should when i asked you, "when will you disembark?" you asked me if i'm going to cry i said no, because i won't you asked if i'm going to miss you

"no, why would i miss you?"

i laughed, but the truth is… i will

"because i'm going to miss you"

words you said that caught me off guard i know that doesn't mean anything and you're probably just lying but it made me feel happy somehow you asked me again this time i said, "sure" i really wish for you to stay

three days left, the time is getting shorter the barricade has been blown away we shorten the span of our distance today was the day i made you laugh 15th of november year 2023 was something i don't want to forget i got to know what your cabin smells like what it looks like i got to sniff your sweaty underwear no musky scent, i'm quite disappointed that just show how hygienic you are i imagined you taking it off in the same spot thought of you bathing on your tub dreaming of you sleeping soundly in your bed was i being recorded? i will never know any chance of getting to know you better i'll grab it whatever consequences i'm gonna get i don't mind at all i'm being creepy and disgusting aren't i?

you told me you like christmas 'cause that's the only time you could whistle was that a thing in the place where you grew up? definitely wasn't mine then the tune of jingle bells echoed throughout the bridge you asked me to do it with you too bad, i don't know how and you're taking any song request i didn't give you one yet, you kept on whistling the same song over and over again i giggled, was that the only song you could do? why asked for any request? you said 'cause that's your favourite song i doubt that then we laughed

i'm gonna miss your "special missions" but after what happened today, i don't think i would you ignored me like i wasn't even in the room i want to convince myself that it was nothing yet, my emotions says a different thing you flirt with the ruler of this buoyant machine your whispered conversations was loud in my head as if i could understand every worn in spanish he stated that i will be the witness of a sexual harassment was it though? when he's clearly enjoying every part of it and i'm sure you did too your smile seems genuine when you are with him seeing you with your arms around him cuts like a blade in the back of my neck

goodbye, the source of my current fantasies "may we never see each other again" some words i want to be true but i know myself, i would probably want to cross paths with you again to keep hoping that there's still something something could happen between you and me but for now, this is it for us all i have now is a video of you throwing your head back laughing like a kid swaying side to side through some rave music it's in my phone and i'll keep it come back…be here my 1989 dude damn, enough with all this taylor swift reference

[lalanboy]

alan

you came back onboard after 3 long months and the first thing you said to me was, "what was your name again?" i don't blame you though, i'd forget me if i could but was it really had to remember a single syllable name? maybe i just really did not registered in your brain or maybe the neurons contained me died when you stepped out of the gangway that night i bet you don't remember our eyes met but you didn't even tell me your not coming back where was the man who told me he likes shingeki no kyojin? you smiled at me that day, probably the first and i realized that we have something in common i like the idea of us getting along talking side by side about the things we love recommending each other the music we listen to most importantly, the anime we watched i wanna know that

i wonder what your laugh sounds like could you even do that? why do you always look sad? yesterday, i saw you walking under the moonlight it seems like you are carrying some invisible weight on your shoulder i wonder what you're thinking 'cause what's on mine was a bit terrifying thinking…what if you jump overboard and nobody sees you? whatever it is, i hope you get over it

you know i am a good listener, says my friends i may not give my thoughts back but you can vent on me whenever you like that's what i am good at you can trust me i know everyone is judging you for being quiet and i get that they did that to me too our silence can be deafening for somebody just ignore those murmuring voices they don't know what it's like and they will never understand the worlds we build for ourselves kept us feel safe i wonder what it was like inside your head was it eden-like or just semi-chaos? you can take a peak on mine and you are very welcome to come in too maybe that way you will know the "me" i don't usually show

i was you today, giving me a smirk did i do something funny? please, do not stop yourself from smiling although, seeing you like that made me happy i wish you would do that more often

today marks the day when i saw you laugh i like how your face turns red, it overcast the paleness of your skin and yesterday, i saw you without your shirt on i did not expect of you to be lean and very white i could join you in the gym but i guess you wouldn't want a company just like i don't most of the time this is fine, admiring you from the distance if things will change…i hope it's for the best i want to stand beside you hold you feel you breathe will your hands be cold or warm don't ignore me

are you the one i wished for christmas? tonight, you showed up unexpectedly i could not contain my excitement when i turned around a saw you there in the doorway you smiled at me and tap my left shoulder maybe you think i'm crazy for smiling the whole time we were there you made this day extra special and i hope you don't mind when i stare at you was always being red a part of your daily life? i don't complain though, i love seeing you like that you don't know how much i want to join you when you entered the sauna i went to the toilet just to check you out only to find out that your short was in the chair outside meaning, you are only in your underwear but i'm a coward, i cannot do something like that i was having second thoughts whether i' gonna do it or not in the end, the fear took over me i want to be brave enough though to talk to you to hear your voice more often to see that remarkably unforgettable smile of yours i asked father god if he's the one i've been praying for let him come to the gym the next day at the same time that would be my signal to make a move to see what will happen next to know the answer to the question, if he will let me invite myself in his circle i will be fearless on queue

he showed up, but for a brief amount of time just to get his earphone case that he forgot i don't know how i should read that is he or is he not my christmas present? anyway, i feel fine though i just laugh it off until i forgot about it what i expect did not happen but i'm okay whit it just seeing him everyday is enough

was it a mole or a birthmark on your right arm? you said "merry christmas" to me today i told you the same i wish this night would be a very joyful holiday for both of us i just realize, you are the first person who said that to me i'm a simple person so that really made me happy although i waited for you in the sauna hoping you would come but i spent 30 minutes in there without you showing up is it really bad if i just want to see you on your underwear? or do i just need to make up an image of you naked in my head?

you said my name tonight, telling him how focus i am on what i'm doing i think that was the first time i heard my name out of your pretty mouth i'm losing energy but that sound reverberates in my brain then adrenaline surges throughout my body god, i really love seeing you turning red especially your cheeks, that was the best part wish i could bite those love handles and let my crooked teeth put its mark on 'em would i enjoy even the taste of your sweat?

i'm sorry but i hesitated to hug you on new year's day or should i say midnight i don't know but i really felt awkward all of a sudden when you approached me you're saying my name on repeat like it was a chant i was thinking, "i should just give hmi a handshake" and i did, but you put your right hand around me at the last second i did the same what a half-ass hug! i should just embrace you like i did with the others but you know what, i love how soft your hand, your shoulder and back are did you smell my cologne?

i saw you though, get a glimpse of me when i'm about to enter the elevator were you longing for me? 'cause i sure am but i accepted that nothing's going to happen the only thing written in our story was knowing each other and i think that is all we could be, an acquaintance not friends, just two people met on a ship it's weird 'cause i usually get sad about it i guess i just realize that i don't need to chase men anymore men who shows me kindness, who often smiles at me and sees me i don't want to mistake those for infatuations ever again in this new year, year 2024 i will change for the best this is for the best

my first dream of 2024 was you damn, even in there we can't be together you told me you have a girlfriend and that she's pregnant and you asked me something about work i would never want anything from you, except your smile but sometimes you just can't control even how your dreams will play out at least i can talk to you there even though it wasn't you i'm talking to it's just the way my brain making stories to cope on what i'm feeling sometimes, i just want to live inside my dreams everything is possible there we could be possible there

i love it when you bump your fist into my shoulder it's your way of saying, "hi" as an introvert, i think i get it i'm not saying you are one, it is just a guess on my part but from what i observe and what others are saying i really think you are like me we introverts don't do human touch unless we feel comfortable with the other person does that mean you feel at ease when you are around me? fuck, i really love your smile your eyes are red today, did you get enough of sleep though? our interaction earlier was nice and i hope it'll be like that everytime everyday every moment we were together

you are topless in the gym today man, your whiteness was mesmerizing i want to burry my face on your nipples and chest hair imagining what your armpit smells like but why did you have to put your shirt back on? is it because pedro came? or did you saw my stolen glances? "you can have everything" that's what you told to me everything was too much, i only want to have you beside me when i wake up in the morning hold my hand when we stroll through some cities sing me your favourite songs, i don't care if i cannot understand it you…only you i want at this moment i heard you singing, laughing and making weird noises it'll be the best if i record those sounds then you danced like you don't have any care whose watching and twerk while holding your stare at me you're in a good mood today aren't you? maybe i was wrong, maybe i'm not 'cause i am exactly like that when i am with my friends like me, i could be crazy if i want to you poured so much joy in my heart right now if i could just keep it like this forever

you played a "league" song i asked you about it but you did not understand what said instead you thought i was asking for help you helped me though with a grin on your face so i played one of my favourite music produced by the people who made the game you heard it, i want you to hear it then you open the door wearing only a towel covering your lower part oooh was the expression my face made you saw it but ignored it then asked me if i play the game yes was my answer, you asked what ELO honestly though, i don't know anything about that funny 'cause i don't know how to answer you i just told you things that only make sense in my head i bet you get confused and i'm so embarrassed about it jungler is your role huh? i hate playing jungle i'm not even mad when you told me i am "noob" once you got to know what my rank was i even lied about it emerald was your highest rank with kindred as your main sure volibear was my main…but it was may years ago i main seraphine now but i don't want you to know that so i lied again—it wasn't really a lie 'cause i can play top, as mordekaiser it's just i am comfortable playing support all the time we both hate yasuo, that's for sure i bet that is what you're going to talk about when we meet later

as you got out of the sauna still wearing the towel you joked around, taking my bottled water on purpose i said, "that's mine" and you just laugh as i took it away from your hand i laughed along, our eyes met you said something i did not understand i just told you, "goodnight" we could be like that all the time me and you navigating on the same road seeing you sad will make me sad so i smile, i will share my happiness with you and you don't have to ask for it to be with you was my main goal but i think friendship is more special than what i have i mind that'll be what i want and if it blooms into something more that, we will see i want to be close to you…for now

he said he likes cara delevigne fuck, why do you have to be straight? but that just proves why i like you so much 'cause i always fall for straight guys everytime i'm not going to stop liking you though that's just one of many reasons why i feel lucky to be alive to feel something other than what my daily life can offer something i can only dream whenever i listen to taylor swift falling in love heartache heartbreak all the things i never truly experience in my waking life

"i knew you were trouble" was playing on the speaker i heard you singing along when "eh eh eh eh" comes i told you taylor swift is my queen, you just smiled i bet you did not understand what i said just like i did not understand what you said i like how you dance when our eyes met, you feel very comfortable showing me your moves i even noticed the stretch marks on your love handles whenever you're on the bar i want to go home with you and i don't mean in your house i just want us to go together when we disembark this vessel i am going to miss you when that time comes i will take the memories you gave me in good care because that's all i have

you're singing in spanish confidence really runs through your veins but you didn't have to stop i know you're enjoying it, so much you can't help but smile and i smiled

you asked me what my age is i said, "28"

"the same"

"…as you?"

"yes" you just laughed 'cause of the dead air between us i just don't know how to respond to that it is something i already know since july of 2023 since i first saw you since i want to know more about this beautiful man that caught my eye but it is something i could not tell you it'll be one of my secrets

then you go and show me photo of a girl whom you'll be dating in florence, italy she's pretty, someone you probably want to fuck but then you told me you have a girlfriend too you asked me if i have one, i told you no so, you are that kind of a man the image of you in my mind just suddenly change i despise those people who are not faithful to their partners why do you have to be like that? why do you have to ruin it? i guess you're just being a typical guy who do things just because they can whether they hurt anyone, it doesn't matter well, good luck to the life path you're taking i don't have the right to tell you what to do karma wil bite you someday, that's for sure i won't be there to see it—i don't even want to see it i only have 2 days here onboard and the last thing i don't want to think about was you being miserable i hope you'll be happy i'm sure you will and i like that thought

you smiled at me on my last day i would really love to give you a hug but i guess that would be too much so a handshake was our last interaction we always end up on a simple handshake your cold hand to mine i don't know but i am happy with that that this time, i ended things on a beautiful note with positive and calm feelings not a hint of hatred, anger, sadness and confusion just pure joy "by the way, you left your earphones in the gym" that's the last thing i said to you you just smiled and gave me a thumbs up i hope my grin gave you provocative thoughts at least this time, i know you won't forget about me my face my name then i exited the bridge with all the memories i have of you they are for safe keeping

[lalanboy]

alex

i have this thing in my head that goes "i will never ever fall for a guy who is younger than me." but your very existence defied that. when did it happen? you were just this tall, good looking stranger then one day i caught myself staring at you, got lost in my thoughts from the flash of your smile. 'i want to know you better' was my mission throughout that first month and when it was time for me to be your watchman, i was so excited but decided to keep it to myself so you would never know, so none of them would see.

i never told you my name, you never asked for it. but, that night when you approached me while my mind was flying along with the stars, you said my name and your voice pulled me back to where i should be…beside you. we talked and from that moment, it registered, you knew some things about me. i was so giddy i nearly asked you how did you know i can play guitar and sing but i already know the answer to that. whenever our watch was over and when i knew you were down at the alleyway, i intentionally played the guitar and sing out loud for you to hear me. i wanted you to listen and maybe get a hint from the melody i'm making how much i like having you around.

you love basketball, noted. funny 'cause it's the sport i never learned to like. maybe because of my childhood experience with it and memory i never chose to keep but it somehow stayed. we were supposed to be on watch together but the devil made you played with them. sadly, you can't turn down an order from someone who has the label of 'he's always right' onboard a ship. you came back as soon as the match was over complaining about something. i asked you what happened, you proceed on telling me how one of the crew elbowed your jaw during the game. you jokingly asked me to pass a message for him, 'the middle finger' if i saw the culprit. i will never do such thing to anyone because that is how my parents have taught me since i was a little kid. although, i told the guy what you meant and i think that's fair.

there was also a time when you told me some things about philosophy, one of the subjects i don't really see myself fitting in. but you made the whole thing so interesting or maybe it's just me enjoying my time staring at your face for a very long time. you maybe thought, i was really paying attention on the things your saying because you keep on going. starts from descartes, some german philosopher i never heard of, plato then finished off with socrates. the whole thing was a memory worth keeping, remembering how we were very close to each other and how much i relish every seconds of our interaction. it also made me realize that i am not only attracted to your face but also fond of your personality.

it was absurd how fast i can be attached to someone in just two months. and when you left the vessel, you also brought with you the possible narratives i've been daydreaming since our eyes met. imagine the memories we could've made if there's 'us'. i wish i could know you more, like what are your hobbies and the genre of music you listen to. i want to hear stories from your childhood, anything…just to know you better. we could've been something other than acquaintance, we're just two people who met but never destined for something magical.

the so-called 'real life' will hit you hard whether you like it or not. i don't want to let go but that was my only option. maybe i was not really meant to experience romance. all i ever wanted was to have a love story as beautiful as i imagined it would be. maybe that was so ambitious of me to expect that my very first tale would be enchanting when most of the movies i watched always end up on a tear-jerker scene.

but me letting go was just temporary. you showed up again after almost six months off my radar. in a place where pizza is known for, i instantly recognize the tall man standing on the boat. seeing your face again made me smile then you smiled at me and it so much better than i remember. by the way, you look very cool in that red long puffer jacket and the way your cheeks turned roses during cold season was adorable. i said, "welcome back" as you walked by the podium then the words "thank you" was the first thing i heard from you since our last meeting.

that day was infuriating and wasn't fun at all. but amidst all that, you were there. you were like the rainbow on a rainy sky. the fact that i get to see you everyday again for the rest of my contract warms my heart. i have someone to look forward to every morning i wake up.

being near you brings me joy. but sometimes i do feel lost whenever i'm around you. those days when i don't know what to believe between what i'm seeing and what i'm feeling. i'm sure you were just being nice but my head screams a different thing. remember that night when you gave me a piece of chocolate with hazelnut in it, i thought that was so sweet—not just the chocolate but also the gesture. it instantly filled the bridge with valentine haze, i knew i was the only one who sense it.

forget being romantically involved to you, i just want us to be closer…so i thought. she's drifting but decided to throw some tantrums. i don't have any choice but to be in front of the wheel. at night in the pilothouse, you stood there beside me trying to figure out the 'error' in display. my right hand was holding the grip when you placed your hand near it. unintentionally, the tip of my finger touched yours. in euphoria, i stare at your face. your calmness decelerate my racing heart. i did not dare to pull out, waited for your reaction. but there was none.

we were like that for a couple of minutes until you dropped yours. i felt victorious in a way you wouldn't understand. you called somebody for assistance. i was utterly dumbfounded when he arrived in the scene, which make sense knowing he's the electrician of our ship. evgenii. he's wearing a white shirt and a gray shorts. i can't believe i get to enjoy being in the center of two of my crushes, the kind of moment i don't usually get in life. i would've stop time if i could, let me live my fantasies for a long duration of time. suddenly, i was dragged out of my dreamland and got interrupted by the arrival of the captain. what a killjoy, don't you think?

it's probably half an hour when things got back to normal. him and the nuisance left, leaving us two, the officer and his watchman alone in the dimmed-light room. there was quietness between us and i'm not sure if that bothered you or not. perhaps you were contemplating what has happened because i sure did. you cannot deny that there wasn't any spark when our fingers touched. my only question was, would you hold my hand if i held yours? or would you deflect and starts yelling at my face? i'm scared to know the answer even to this day. and the fragrance of a sweet peach stuck with the memory of you from that crescent moonlight sky.

you have made the cutest face i've seen from you so far with your tongues out. you also like south park. i am far from being special but i wanted you to make me feel one. there are things i learned when i took this path but i still keep on wishing that maybe this time will be different, this time someone will break my walls and pull me out of my made up world. to turn my desires into reality. to share my first on almost everything about romance. that sure sounds nice.

one day, you saw me under the blazing heat of the sun and noticed something wrong. you approached me and asked if i feel hot. you weren't wrong, but headache was my main concern. "my head really hurts" was what i said to you. you told me that in your gmdss drawer there's a medicine that is good for relieving headaches. i asked you, "can i have one?" and you replied, "yes" using that very specific tone i always hear whenever you said the word. you told me instructions on how to take it.

on the bridge, i took the meds you recommend. it's one of those things you need to dissolve in water before intake. you came a couple of minutes later then i showed you what i took. with a straight face, you told me i took the wrong one. what i drank was vitamin c. i was so embarrassed i can't help not to laugh at my own cluelessness. you handed me the right vial then left. i don't know if you start laughing down the stairway but i do appreciate you not making fun of my mistake in my face. that made me like you even more.

on my 27th birthday, i was called down to the ship's office for drug testing. i was happy when i learned you will be the one conducting the test. you were near me when 'rose-colored boy' came blasting on my phone, my fucking alarm startled me. i immediately reached for my phone when i saw you grooving along the beat. i would've keep it going and just watch you enjoying the song that i love but we were in the office, i need to be professional about it. you plucked some of my hair using your fingers and somehow that's delightful. now i associate you in that upbeat but kinda depressing song by my favorite band.

being in a double watch irritates me, it shouldn't be but it was because of this annoying person i have to do it with. i hate it how the way he interacts with you, i got really jealous i guess. i can't be like him—not that i want to, i wasn't build like that. he always try to flirt with you, ugh! and you always ride along with his antics. i never liked it but i can't say that out loud, i just laugh along pretending it doesn't bother me. i was a bit scared realizing i could be very obsessive over someone and i don't wanna end up like something i despise.

it was sunny day when you did something that took me by surprise. you stood in front of me, smiling. you slowly reach for my chest pocket. everything turns in slow motion. with my eyes following the movement of your hand, you placed a light bulb inside it then asked me to request a new one from evgenii. i expected something more than that but thinking about it now, the feeling glued to this memory was enough. although, you could've put your heart on it instead and i promise i will take good care of it. i saw a slight hint but refused to acquire anything without receipts. false hope is something i could not afford any longer. i'm mostly glad you find me reliable.

i want to remember you in any way possible. like the scar on your left arm near your 'compass tattoo', a typical design for a sailor like you. the mole beside your left eye, i caught that too. the way some of your chest hair reveals itself from time to time. your habit of pacing back and forth just to kill time. your white calvin klein underwear. our tiny bit of conversations are stored in my brain like that one time when you asked me to do something and i said, "what is it?" then you cheerfully told me this story about you and your friends having a great time. you asked permission to film me saying the words one of your friends have said and do some little acting just to make fun of him online. "i could not do that!" was all i could say, you were cool with it though. but, i did regret my decision afterwards. what if you just want a video of me in your phone and the whole scenario was just an excuse. another list of 'what ifs' added to my vault.

final chapter of our meeting has come to an end. the day i hugged you to say goodbye, i heard you say my name for the very last time. i squeeze you real tight marking our first and our very special, unforgettable last…for me at least. whatever you think of my action doesn't matter anymore. but i do wonder, did i leave some questions in your head like what you left in mine? you probably going to forget about me as the years go by—which is fine…who am i, right? but still, you are one of the few people i want to cross path with again someday. where will you be at or what have you become when that time comes? whether it will happen or not, who knows? i just hope you would not lose your sense of humanity, kindness and empathy along the way, most of them did. but i believe in you and i know you will accomplish greater things in life. i'm looking forward to see your smile again some time in the future. good luck.

in addition, dior homme is way too expensive and i can't believe i purchased one just because you recommend it.

<insert face palm emoji>

[lalanboy]

mark

when was it? back in november? it was early autumn with a chilling breath of air someone's about to leave and he was in the smoking area, waiting waiting for the arrival of his substitute i also remember smelling something nice when he passed by probably a high quality perfume he bought during his stay and i have no idea, cupid's aiming his arrow at me that very same night

to be honest, i was never a believer of 'love at first sight' not until i experienced it one night that evening i received a simple call never knowing it will be the trigger for my fall falling in love to someone for the very first time a feeling that i will never forget for the rest of my life

i walked upstairs carrying the thing you requested with a blanket on my arms, i knocked on your door seconds later you opened it with a smile on your face funny, 'cause i had a feeling that time froze for a moment i handed it to you casually like i am not freaking out you said "thank you" with such politeness i replied "you're welcome" with such awkwardness then you gently shut your door and i was on my way back but after a few steps, i started screaming quietly in the alleyway

how unbelievably beautiful man you are i wanna know more about who you are i searched for a piece of paper where your name might be listed there might be an updated one for all i know just by knowing your name sends tingling sensation all over my body

one time, during our weekly drill you caught me staring at you i looked away immediately like it was nothing i am so embarrased, i couldn't keep my poker face but you know what? i saw through my peripheral that you hold your stare at me and you are smiling did you notice something? or did it mean nothing and i am just assuming?

i like your quietness, maybe you're still adjusting it feels peaceful, like the aura you are projecting but i also want to be in the world you build for yourself we are not friends yet but i am willing to erase the gap between us i want us to be closer i don't want to keep my distance and i wonder, could you like someone like me? you are not into men so that's probably impossible but it is not wrong to wish for it dreaming to set my very first romantic story in motion with you as my leading man

one afternoon, i dared the fate to play a game saying i will confess my feelings to you if you ever came and if you don't, that's fine too but all the little courage inside me will just go to waste then i was so shocked when you showed up suddenly, my body was filled with panic you looked at me, smiling and this mouth of mine can't stop grinning but fuck you fate, i was just kidding why did you take my words so seriously?

more days has passed and my feelings keep growing and your quietness started fading away hearing you talk was very soothing i love watching you from afar every chance i got to be near you was very special you are the very best definition of the guy of my dreams with those attractive gray eyes, your small teeth fair white skin and your golden blonde hair looking at you always sends me daydreaming you've got a swimmers back, that's the term i came up with your hairless armpit was hot too and i even noticed the mole on your nape which most of the time a trait of a handsome man

our feelings to be mutual, that's all i ever wanted and for you to be the prince, knight or the king of my own fairytale but i will never be a damsel, still i'm in distress your presence makes me forget my sadness and loneliness you could be the hour hand of a clock and i'll be the minute and the second will lead us towards the same direction always towards each other

weeks later, things between us has changed you became playful around me i like it when you make faces i wanted to hug you i love it whenever you try to make me laugh the jokes you tried to pull off might be cringey sometimes but it always worked do you remember when you heard me singing in the gym? my voice was so loud it echoes up to the alleyway you didn't have to walk more steps just to go to the gym yet you still did it just to say hi and see how i'm doing that little shadow boxing you showed me was funny you never failed to fill my days with smiles

you were my only source of happiness during that time that time when it just want to break everything around me everyone except you except the joy you're giving me the reason why i still want to wake up everyday my firefly on a moonless night my hero

i still remember the ashes on your face that lunchtime thinking even a dirt can make you look so cute you charmed me in every single thing you do the only left to do was for you to make a move then the year was ending, 2017's on it's way but there was only one wish i want to have that coming new year and that wish was you

january 8th was the first time i heard you laugh see? i remember because that day i wanted to scream in the room we're in how nice it sounds the mess hall was full so i didn't some people might find it creepy but not for me i treasure every memories i made with people i love i'm a sentimental person and i won't apologize for it i keep what's important and throw away what is not

do you remember what you did to me when we were alone in the galley? you were wearing your usual lime green shirt, working on something was it the stove? yeah, i'm pretty sure it was the stove it was already time for my noontime break but i stayed there waiting, watching, and loving every seconds of it after you finished checking, you told me everything was okay when i was walking towards the exit you started tickling the sides of my torso while saying "good ah, good ah!" i burst out laughing that was so random and i thought to myself, "gouda cheese?" i guess you already know where my weak point is and that says something it means you are watching me too you knew i have a very sensitive external obliques thanks to that one specific man who always poke my sides whenever he wants if i'm being honest, i think that's flirting never been flirted by anyone before so i wouldn't really know the look on your face was priceless you enjoy making me happy, don't you?

14:30 you came down to get some sweets in the pantry you were wearing a plain while tank top you smiled, i smiled perfect timing, i wanted to ask you something but i became so nervous i couldn't utter a word my anxiety level goes up the roof just by the thought of talking to you i thought to myself, "you're going to regret not doing it" "you had a chance and you're going to waste it again" then time was up, you're gone opportunities keep slipping your fingers 'cause you are scared to step forward to make a move hating myself won't solve anything but fate has been a good friend you came back for something you missed but i love the thought you came back for me and that's when i heard you say my name it was so smooth i almost didn't hear it but my attention was all yours ever since that night i am so happy, that gave me a tiny push this time, i gathered all the little courage i have to say the words;

"third, do you have movies?"

"what?"

i was leaning my back on the wall when you approached me then you placed both of your hands onto your waist we've never talked like that, so close i could smell your musky scent so manly and weirdly addicting the scene felt like one of those things they did in movies the act where the couples are having a sweet and nice conversation in my head, we were like those couples somehow, you looked very happy

"movies, do you have movies?"

"movies…hmmm…porn movies?"

[laughing] "no no no third, thank you!"

"i don't have english movies, only russians"

"oh, okay! thank you third"

that's it, then he left looking back, i didn't really do a good job conversation is not exactly my forte i consider myself a listener, not a talker but i'm still proud of what i did baby steps to overcome the noises in my head not much but it still a step and that left me feeling accomplished but to tell you the truth i am not really interested in copying your movie collections i want you to lend me your hard disk drive so i can check every files on it and see for myself if you keep some of your photos or videos on the device hidden agendas, i know right?

there was a time when i did something i've never done before i shouldn't be telling this 'cause it's a bit crazy truthfully, i became obsessed of everything that involves you you know the song (one of those) crazy girls by paramore there is a lyric on the second verse that goes;

"you're not here when i break in i'm gonna go to your closet just so i can smell your skin"

that's pretty much what i did when i sneaked inside your cabin except the getting in your closet part that's very extreme even for me but luckily, the shirt you've been using was laying on your chair i sniffed it to my heart's content i can't believe i'm saying this but the armhole smells addicting i wanted to keep it but that would be stealing i don't want you to hate me for stealing your stuff so i composed myself and leave you are making me crazy

then there's a moment when i stopped for a minute to watch you walk away and before you took a left turn to the stairway you looked back at me for a second my heart skipped a beat and then you're gone you left me wondering what were you thinking at that exact moment? i will never know but i am loving those film like scenes we made we're on a romcom without the 'getting together' part

nine days after valentines day my love for you keeps growing stronger i suddenly heard a kissing sound i looked up and saw you there that was for me x you did it again, my heart just melts all i can do was smile you keep asking me if i'll be going home soon i wonder why? did you want me to stay? even if you want me to, i can't the contract is almost over and i can't do anything about it let's just enjoy our remaining days if you tell me you love me then i will be yours i can feel it but i need to make sure if i am right we can still do so much if only we weren't scared i guess, afraid of each others feelings

i'll be leaving my happiness onboard soon on the last day, i only have one wish i want to say goodbye to you i want to give you a very big hug to thank you if that happens, i'll be okay i would not ask for more just let me have that memorable ending

for the third time, you sent me kisses this time, i replied with the same sound you made x you may not saw it but i know you heard it because i saw you stopped for a split second after hearing it are you going to say something that time? but decided not to? was that the words i really wanted to hear from your lips you should have done it instead of walking away the decisions we made are quite terrible you could've been my very first boyfriend we could've had an amazing love story

one day when everything was okay for a brief moment you came to our usual meeting place i was standing there alone, preparing the machine for black coffee i smiled, you did the same you walked towards me then unexpectedly whispered the words "how are you?" directly to my left ear your breath tickles i was so flustered i backed out a few inch mark, if only i don't have control over my body i would've kissed you without any hesitation a stupid choice between getting a black-eye or a lover but that's not me, i don't take risk with romance "i am fine" was all i could blurt out

but what was that? you keep sending me these signals a confirmation that maybe, somehow you like me too was i just imagining it? was that all in my head? i need a solid proof before i take actions i wanted to hear the words "i like you" "i want you" "i love you" directly from your mouth

every storyline must come to an end ours ended before giving it a bend on the last day, i didn't even get to see you clock was ticking and there is no sign of you i had the urge to call you on the telephone but dared not to you might be sleeping for all i know and i don't want to disturb your rest but, do you remember what you told me? when one of the crews left, a friend of yours did not say goodbye to you i saw the sadness in your face i don't want to give you the same sadness but perhaps i did too i regret leaving without saying goodbye to you

for the past months after disembarking our ship the thought of you won't leave my mind i wanted to see you again and i did but only in my dream there, we were together a couple living on the same house sleeping on the same bed taking care of each other you introduced me to your parents i got along with them and we were absolutely happy it was the only place where you're able to kiss me i woke up and everything was over reality check, me and you never got to that chapter

it took me months to find you in instagram also took me months to decide whether i will follow you or not your page was in private so i cannot see your posts i really wanted to know how you're doing i want photos aside from your display i am longing for your smiles but i keep thinking was this the best thing to do? he might no longer remember me so what's the point? with a shaking thumb i pressed 'follow' 'requested' appeared i just need to wait for days maybe weeks probably months i don't care anymore, i will not back out this time

the notification of approval came in no time that excites me but also scares me at the same time "he still remembers me" i thought to myself the face that i will never forget is now on my screen and those videos that came as a bonus i am glad you're doing just fine and your smiles is as bright as the first time i saw it you never followed me back though so i guess you did not want any connection from me it's fine though just seeing you and keeping up on what you're doing was enough for me but why's your name sometimes appeared on my stories it was listed as one of the viewers were you checking on me too? if so, why did you not send me a message? you know, i would really love that i wanna know if that video of me laughing made you laugh too i wanted to hear anything from you but your silence was deafening have you heard the song 'proof' by paramore? if you listen to it, you will know how much you mean to me and if somehow, someday this thing made it's way to you i hope you add the song on your playlist or even favorites

then one day, you started writing your happily ever after there she goes, the princess you've been waiting for she looks pretty, you both look good together and i had to admit that our chances were gone to zero honestly, it stings a bit but that's how it should be you belong to her and she belongs to you and in my case i had to fully accept that things don't end up the way i wanted them to be that is how the world works and that's when i decided to unfollow you i will not bother you anymore

although from time to time, i keep coming back especially when the flashbacks are popping up whenever i spent my midnights reminiscing about the past i cannot believe you still able to make me smile by the way, congratulations on your marriage and for becoming a father of a beautiful child she's very lucky, she gets to be the queen of your castle may happiness follows you for the rest of your life as for me, i am just glad that the person i adore, got what he truly deserves a happy family

it has been six years since our first meeting and my feelings for you started fading away but the joy you gave me during my hard times will stay an i will be forever grateful to you for pulling me out from despair for making me want to live another day for me to see you in any chance i can and now i am still here still striving stronger than ever i learned to be resilient on whatever life throws at my path so i thank you and i will never forget

i loved you

and these memories will live 'til the end of my story

[lalanboy]

the last time 04/09/22

the inevitable ending has arrived but i’m the one who’s leaving this time i guess i was hoping unconsciously wishing that you come along with me, taking our last steps in the gangway honestly my desires don’t usually come true then there you are in the alleyway fully dressed up with that comfy looking jacket the weather was cold but i feel very warm

and when we board the boat, i want to be standing beside you but i realized, being near you was enough i couldn’t even stare at you for a long time because of all the people around us i want you all for myself and it’s the one thing i want but could never have

when we’re about to get off the boat for a very lucky seconds i got a glimpse of your ass crack funny, i did expect it to be really hairy just like your legs that shows whenever you wear that gray short

whenever we take group photos on that cool looking shelter i want you to join us so badly so i can have another picture where the two of us is in it but you were really busy taking that call was that your girl on the line? was she happy your coming home? your face shows how happy you are

i even tried to be funny so you can laugh at me for you to think i’m not some kind of a quiet freak i want your attention a reassurance that you know i existed

at last our service arrived but all of us cannot fit at the same time so we arranged us into two groups you were at the first one i decided to be in the second fuck me for choosing to stay behind i might even had a chance to sit next to you but that’s me, a coward i always freaked out when opportunities served in front of me

our time at customs was also a regret i missed a possibility of having more time with you and at the reception of the hotel with fancy couches while some of us are settling what to do next you and your buddy ask is anyone of us wants to join both of you exploring a beautiful city in denmark you have no idea how much i want to say “me” but it’ll be weird if i’m the only one who wants to come so i stayed silent and watch you step out of the hotel entrance i am stuck with my fellow countrymen and it’s fucking emotionally draining sometimes

the very next morning you showed up at the breakfast diner where we’re staying at our eyes met while i am grinning to some joke i made and i wonder if you think the reason was you you sat on a different table across mine and i went to get my third set of croissants although i am full but i keep on going i just want the thought of us eating together

and i should’ve stayed a bit longer to the point where there’s just the two of us but i stood and walked past by you like you weren’t there pretending you were invisible through my vision and to tell you the truth, i really hated myself for it without looking back hurts me more than you can imagine

if i knew that would be our last meeting i should’ve say “goodbye” at least i should’ve poured my heart out ‘till the last minute now i am regretting everything that happened all the things i couldn’t do all the words i wish you heard me say all this feelings building up my chest it was screaming the words “i really fucking like you”

now your name became an echo that won’t fade away and sadness attached itself on the memories of you in my head to you, the only electrician i fell really hard for i wish nothing but happiness and success this life could offer that will be our final encounter our paths will never cross each other ever again so please

fate

third meeting is not necessary or else my heart cannot take anymore torture of seeing him again

[lalanboy]

What do you mean?                                                                        22 Dec 2021

You are always nice to me even though I act like I don't give a fuck about you. Then tonight, you opened the door and offered me to walk-in first. I said "you go ahead" but you insist on being the gentleman. You said a lot of things after but the only one I can remember was "you're in a good mood." All I could do was laugh about it. Why? Why would you say that? Now, you are in my head. Does that mean I'm always grumpy in your eyes? Do I always look like I'm in a bad mood everyday? Do you think I'm mean? I wish I could ask you more about it but I also know that I couldn't. 'Cause my anxiety is always in the way. My barricade is always up. You are the second Andrii that I like. The first one was also the very first guy I had crush on. You know, I always thought that you have a really good heart. And you proved it every time I see you. It's just...I can't look you in the eye without feeling anything. I would like to be your friend but I don't know how. I always push the people who cares or might care about me. Who doesn't treat me like I'm an invisible creature. Who are very nice to me. You know, your smile can light up the space you're in. An my presence can dim every corner of the place I'm standing. Maybe Yevhenii is the reason why I can't talk to you. 'Cause the two of you are inseparable and I have a history with him. Maybe he told you things about me. Things that I'm embarrassed and I'm not proud of doing. Or maybe you have this version of me in your head that I wouldn't want to know. 'Cause that will surely hurt me and will make me hate you. I don't want that to happen so I will keep my distance. I will not expect something between us 'cause there will be none. But I wish you still continue to be nice to me. Don't change anything 'cause I like you as you. not romantically but friendly. And have a good day like you told me earlier.

[lalanboy]

evgenii

i cannot remember the first time i saw you, but i do recall the scene by the window. we were looking at the frozen landscape. with you beside me, i am wide awake. you said, “it’s beautiful.” i said, “yeah, did you take a photo of it?” “yes” you replied, i know you smiled. it made me happy, wish i could tell you why.

your hazel brown eyes and long lashes. i could stare at you if no one watches. as usual, you’re wearing that shirt dyed in aquamarine. from afar, i will always wait for your lovely grin.

one time you left your phone. it was on your table, left alone. no one’s around, i was spellbound. had an idea, no turning back now. pressed the button, swiped the screen. which led me to now my favorite scene. pretty pictures of you with good looking view. now i have something to hold on to.

you called me dangerous for some reason, i could call you the same or this reason. that night you suddenly held my waist, startled, i tried to brush off your hands away. but you insist on helping me. though embarrassed, i let you guide me. thank god for that brief moment in time, and i’m still freaking out until bedtime.

you and i left alone once more, at the starboard side of accommodation door. the distance between us was so little, that i could smell your body even better. i could even see every detail on your face, and i know you know i am staring at your face. but you did not mind and let me be. i feel so lucky—really lucky.

that time you get your haircut done, i was there doing a treadmill run. you were at my peripheral sight, thoughts and urges that i can no longer fight. thinking once it was over and you’re gone, i’m going to keep some of it just for fun.

and that night you took your shirt off, along with your best friend doing a show-off. then he asked me which is better looking, i lied and said it was him. you looked me in the eye with a grumpy face, i just laughed it off, there’s no way i could tell the truth. you may be lacking in abs and chiseled biceps but you are the most gorgeous man this boy have ever met.

but that joy has come to an end. you left before the spring ends. and the scenario we last shared, when you scream my name and i felt red. you reach for my hand to bid farewell, i removed my gloves and held yours very well. that one still rings in my head, and i hope we’ll see each other someday again.

then last night i checked on you, you made everything private around you. i think that decision was made by someone. someone in your life, held you by the arm. you’ve always like some good attention. i guess this time, i need to loose this tension. there is one thing i need to do. from now on... i will move on from the thought of you.

i feel like fate has been making fun of me. again, you cross the path i’m taking. just like i wished for a very long time, but this just wasn’t the right time. we’re breathing the same air once more, few feet away from where i’m on. you ignored me, i did the same. it’s like we are not living in the same place. but like i said, it’s better this way. for me not to fall for you ever again.

but it pains me ‘cause i can’t erase. seeing you everyday, it’s useless to forget. you passed by me without a single word, i wanted to run and hide away from your fort. help me please, push me away. get me mad at you for my own sake. your presence drowns me even more. i really can’t do this anymore.

and there it goes. your fucking smile that drags me in again. the reason why i made portraits of you. the part of you i can’t perfectly drew. that perfection i’m begging to touch. even in my dreams, a single kiss was hard for me to ask.

if you only knew how much i care, will you still be distant and so unfair? i want the past to repeat itself. back when we were still enjoying ourselves. back when you said, “bam-bam” after that freezing window night. and i let out a laugh and said, “alright.”

i wish we were like that again. making fun of all the simple things with nothing to gain. where i can smile and even say hi. where there’s no barricade and i can be high. high from every moment i stole. high from every fall down the rabbit hole.

seriously, this writing is getting longer. and i really need this to be over. though this feelings makes me suffer. i decided not to fight it any further. i cannot deny this over and over. ‘cause at the end of the day... i’m still and will always be your admirer. or should i say, your awkward secret lover?