lav-nd-r

[lav-nd-r]

update: i havent really been engaging on this blog since i was 19, which is wild. after ive stopped restricting i somehow hit my gw1, then had the worst week of my life during which i dropped to underweight. im maintaining this (with fluctuations obv) for over half a year now.

the irony

[lav-nd-r]

there’s something very wrong with me, it’s called ‘I don’t want to do anything, ever’ and they said it’s chronic

[lav-nd-r]

[lav-nd-r]

[lav-nd-r]

Me after I fast for 48 hours and loose 0.00001 kg:

[lav-nd-r]

another day, another lw 😎🤙

[lav-nd-r]

[lav-nd-r]

i've been eating like shit lately and i finally stepped on a scale and found out i'm at my new lw?? what the fuck

[lav-nd-r]

i felt like i was dying today

40 something hrs into a fast i took a lax, but i've forgotten to drink properly. once the meds hit and i went to the bathroom, i've felt every single symptom of anorexia come crashing down on me. nausea, dizziness from dehydration and malnutrition, freezing limbs, shaking, etc.

i actually panicked and wanted to call my mom for help, but couldn't since even slightly opening my mouth caused the stomach acid to rise up to my esophagus. it was already horribly burnt by it anyway, though it could've been milder if i drank enough, but at that point it was just pure acid.

in order not to make a mess in the bathroom, i had no choice but to crawl to the shower, since standing up by the sink was too painful.

those few minutes - which felt like hours - were pure agony, no kidding. the worst part is that i KNOW there's going to be a next time, the desire to be able to look into the mirror and be fine with what i see is stronger.

tldr: don't romanticise eating disorders. there is nothing fun about them.

[lav-nd-r]

[lav-nd-r]

32 hours into a fast:

My stomach: FoOd

Me:

[lav-nd-r]

think im finally relapsing

[lav-nd-r]

feminine urge to just go completely fucking insane and rip all my fat off my body until i’m truly just bone.

[lav-nd-r]

[lav-nd-r]

[lav-nd-r]

Do you ever correct your posture just because you think you look fat standing like that?