lcgoisms-blog

[lcgoisms-blog]

logan and nick ( @nickcarlisle​ )

“No, but you turned around and you’re talking to me now, even if you’re angry while doing it, so I’m hoping that means you’re not completely unwilling to hear me out for a second.” But if she is, he gets it. It’s what he deserves. Every bit of her anger hurled his way, all of her bitterness, and her aversion to him and anything he’s got to say. He’s earned this all on his own with his idiotic actions. If she wants to tear into him, yell at him or slap him, he wouldn’t blame her. Hell, he’ll stand here and take all her fury in the the middle of the street if that’s what it comes down to. Whatever it takes to at least get her to hear him out. He knows what he’s got to say isn’t going to glue things back together for them. Nothing can fix the damage done in this case. Omission of pertinent details, like the fact that he was part of the reason her life was crumbling around her, is just as much a betrayal as lying.

Yes, he had a job to do, duties and responsibilities to uphold, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t excuse his lack of transparency from the start. It doesn’t excuse why he wasn’t upfront with her about his part in this whole big mess. The fact that he had gotten in too deep with her, and quite frankly was fearful of telling her the more days passed them by because he didn’t want her to disappear from his life, just doesn’t matter. It won’t change what’s already been done. It’s fixed in the past, and no matter his intentions, it’s made a mess of them and whatever connection was strengthening between them.

So, in spite of the natural impulse, he won’t try to make excuses for himself or explain his poor handling of the situation. She doesn’t need his pitiful explanations and half-baked excuses. The why and the reason will do no good. Those things rarely do in times like these. All he wants is to apologize. Face to face, so she can look him in the eyes and see his remorse. Thoroughly and sincerely. If this interaction is last he’ll have with her, the last he’ll ever see of her, he wants to make it mean something. He wants her to hear everything she needs to and know how he feels. He needs to get everything off his chest and out in the open. After that, it’s out of his hands, and he’ll find a way to be okay with whatever she does in the face of it.

“Listen, I just want to apologize to you for—for everything. I shouldn’t have kept my involvement in everything with your dad from you. That wasn’t the right thing for me to do, and I know I,” his voice trails off, eyes dropping from hers for a brief moment before finding her gaze once more. His heart twinges in his chest. He’s so sorry for what he’s done to her. “I know I hurt you, Logan. I know it, and I hate myself for it, and I’m just—I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for hurting you and betraying you. I get it if you never want to see my face again. I’ll leave you alone. I just had to say all this properly.”

Logan tried. I mean she really tried to listen to the words that just fell out of Nick’s mouth. She honestly could not differ if he was justifyin’ his actions with truths to make up for the huge lie he forgot to leave out. “You had to say all of this properly?” She asked mockin’ him. “’Hangin’ out’ at the coffee shop we-- I used to frequent at, standin’ in line, orderin’ and purchasin’ my drink is how you wanted to do all of this properly?” She asked again, generalizin’ the statement with a few hand gestures. She placed her hands together before bringin’ them up to the brim of her nose. “A 12 oz five dollar recyclable cup full of black liquid does not make up for a few months and some weeks worth of damage, Nick.”

She could not even look at him; let alone his eyes because lookin’ at him brought back everything both the good and bad. All the times they spent together and all the memories they shared gone just like that. “I promised myself that the next time I saw you and we did whatever this is I would not do it with you until I was in a good headspace so that my words would not cut so deep or it would not seem like I am yellin’ at you or even spewin’ venom your way.” “You are the one who hurt me yet here I am actually considerin’ takin’ pity on you. I am actually feelin’ sorry for you. The one person I thought would hopefully never have any reason to lie to me.” She stated before lettin’ out a chuckle, “Go figure.”

A few onlookers via the sidewalk and cars in the street started peerin’ and whisperin’, which truly was not the ‘welcome home Logan’ gesture she wished to receive from the public as both an equivalence of a public figure and the child of a man the public once spoke highly of. Logan she also standin’ with Nick-- or as the public knew him Officer Carlisle, which she forgot was right in front of her for a second. This scenario already was not a good look for her but the way she was feelin’ towards him could not even compare to how she felt towards the public publicly invaded her privacy at his moment. She took a quick glance  at the concrete before givin’ a sigh midway and pickin’ her head back up. “I’m tryin’ to understand your actions from your perspective here and months later I still cannot even grasp them even when they are in my reach. You had a job, Nick. A job you easily could have not taken, wholeheartedly walked away from or even asked your superior to reassign someone else the case because you were too involved, but you did not. Above everything, you chose to take my dad’s case knowin’ how involved you were becomin’.”

“Was that your plan all along?” She asked him titlin’ her head to the side. “Seek me out and scoop me up when I was at my lowest, earn my trust, and then just lie to my face every chance you got? You spent more than enough time with me in the hours combined more than my family did. I mean you and company stood two maybe four rows away from me and my family at almost every other hearin’. You saw me readin’ up on law day and night, followin’ the case-- doin’ everythin’ that I knew how to do to see if there were any discrepancies in my dad’s case. You even took it upon yourself to get coffee with me or ‘be my shoulder to cry on’ when all the while you had been lyin’ to me for months. You betrayed me and my trust.” Logan started askin’ Nick all these questions that came flyin’ out of her mouth, hopin’ to formulate some consensus as to why he felt as he had to lie to her in the first place. “If you would have told me sooner, I might have actually understood. Hell, I honestly may have even forgiven you. It may have taken me awhile but I eventually would have forgiven you. Reality is we all have shit we do not wanna and better choices we would rather make but consistently fail to make those better choices. You had a multitude of better choices to choose from, Nick, you just chose the wrong ones.” “So do not tell me you are sorry because we both know you are not, you are just sorry you got caught.” She told him before she walked away from him and pryin’ eyes.

[lcgoisms-blog]

logan and nick ( @nickcarlisle )

It had been a few months since Logan had been in the city. After her dad’s trial, everything and everyone had just became too much for her. Logan had temporarily returned home by force. Since her father’s penthouse was foreclosed due to her father’s embezzlement scandal, she had to result movin’ back in with her mom, which was another story in itself. Growin’ up Logan and her mom were close, closer than ever actually. This whole scandal happens and her and her mother drift apart. Prior to her father gettin’ arrested, Logan’s dad had a bunch of trial dates and hearings most of it was pretty borin’ but Logan went in support of her father and in support of her entire family whenever her mom felt like playin’ the victim. After a while of continuously attendin a new trial every few weeks, Logan started readin’ up on law just as a way to past the time in court and in general. Hearin’ a different judge tell her father the same thing over and over again didn’t make the situation less bearable nor did it make the blow hurt less knowin’ she’d lose the biggest light in her life. Whether she liked it or not, her father was goin’ to jail and her family would never be able to come back from something like that.

Like no other day it was a brisk and cold Saturday morning. The line at the coffee shop Logan used to frequent at seemed never-endin for it was always long. Usually, it’d take her about twenty minutes max just to get up to the cash register and place her order because this coffee shop in particular was so popular. Visuals of the past few months started poppin’ in her head again; family and friends she had lost because they didn’t want to associate themselves with her family or her father’s company. This was a occurin’ thing that had happened four months after everything had died down. Shufflin’ through songs she landed on Trainwreck by BANKS. One of the few songs that truly captured her emotions well enough to make her have an implusive mood for four minutes and break something instead of someone. The line started movin’, which Logan was now at the front of. With her wallet in hand, she told the barista what she wanted. When they asked her for name, they already said they had her order ready. Pausin’ her music, she pleaded to them that she hadn’t ordered yet as they recited her order back to her, which actually was right. She hadn’t told anyone that she was back in town and the only people that knew were her family so it had to have been the last person she wanted it to be... NICK. The thought of his name must have cued the memories because they came rushin’ back in. As she took the drink from the counter, she let out a heavy sigh. Turnin’ back around to head for the door, Logan began observin’ the shop while she walked out. It was one of those skills she had. She couldn’t see him but she knew he was there. He had to be. He was the only other person who knows her coffee order. Comin’ near the door without even scannin’ the room a second time, she threw the drink in the trash.

The cold wintery breeze hit her face as she pushed the door. Sayin’ that she knew Nick the way she thought she did was an understatement, but if she knew how guys like him work there’d be without a doubt no question that he’d follow her. As she crossed the street, she faintly heard someone callin’ her name. The further she walked, the louder the voice became. Givin’ in, turnin’ around-- there he was. After months of not seein’ him, there he was, lookin’ at her dead in the face. “Please explain-- actually don’t. Why do you honestly think I’d wanna talk to you? Does me throwin’ your pity five dollar coffee in the trash OR me not contactin’ you, give you any type of notion that I truly want to have a conversation with you?”

* @lcgoisms

What happened between him and Logan could only be described as an unintentional whirlwind. And it had been unintentional on his part. When he met Logan, he didn’t intend to get as close to her as he had, certainly not once he realized who she was, but things had gotten so far out of hand by then. Nick had no idea how to breach the subject, and tell her the role he played in her father’s arrest. How could he tell her he was a major reason for the destruction of the life she once knew and the image she once had of her father? He didn’t want to hurt her all over again or risk whatever was happening between them, but in the end, hurting her and losing her was all he managed to do. 

Now here he is, seeing her for the first time since she cut him out of her life, his heart sinking further in his chest watching her trash her coffee on her way out. He can’t stand seeing her walk away from him again and he’s on his feet, running after her, calling her name without much thought of how he looks. “Logan! C’mon, I just—Can we talk? Just for a second. Please.”  

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