learn-to-grieve

[learn-to-grieve]

it’s been almost 2 years since my first post. i am very lucky to say that a lot has changed since i wrote it.

the biggest shift has been my perspective. i always thought love was drama; a war, a battle, a fight you lose over and over. i thought it was supposed to painful and difficult and something that required active effort every single day. i thought that spending time with your partner was something you could do only in small doses, that it was normal to spend the whole time together asleep because it was easier than being awake with them.

i was wrong.

i met someone. she’s amazing. i’ve never known such kindness, such effortless trust and ease. i used to think i was comfortable around you, but now i know it was just exhaustion taking hold because god, you were exhausting. she swept me off my feet when i met her and she still does over a year later just as easily. she showed me how to love gently, how to teach gently, how to be careful with myself. you made me feel like the only way to be worthy was to sacrifice myself for the cause, any cause. she teaches me that i am worthy because i am human. you told me i was horrible and cruel and impatient, she shows me that i am kind and patient and soft when i’m not constantly put under duress.

i talk to her and tell her about my past and she always looks at me with quizzical eyes. she tells me i’m describing a different person, and i suppose that i am. i am not the same small person that you left shattered. she helped rebuild me into someone i’m proud of. someone strong and independent and functional and kind and thoughtful and genuine. she is my equal in every way. she is the one i dream of, where with you, i always tried to force you into dreams i knew you didn’t fit in. i was your girlfriend because you wanted someone to be, not because you wanted me to be your girlfriend. she wants me and sees me and loves me. she adores me so much i never question her, to question her would be like questioning whether i breathe or whether the sun shines. she is the fundamental truth in my life.

i’ve grown up, but im still vindictive and spiteful. i wish you could see how well im doing just so i could shove it in your face. i might have grown, but i still hate you. i spent a fifth of my life with you, i feel im still allowed to harbor some rage and negativity against you. though, i have to thank you. thank you for cheating on me. you taught me a very valuable lesson about who i let around me, and what it really means to love someone. if you hadn’t been so vile, i wouldn’t have met the love of my life and been free to fall in love with her in such a beautiful way and lead the fantastic life that we do.

anyways, that’s all. i need to go cuddle in with my lover, she’s in my bed and she’s waiting for me. i just needed another post to get it through my system, i hate that you still infiltrate my nightmares but thankfully i have wonderful support to help me work through it.

i wish me the best.

[learn-to-grieve]

i guess this is the first post?

i’m kinda starting this blog just as a space for me to dump feelings. i think a lot, all the time, about what happened. i doubt anybody else will see this and it’s probably for the best. if anyone i know personally sees this, i will simply die, so if this seems recognizable to you, no it doesn’t <3

it’s 5am rn. i have another midterm tomorrow (today?) at noon and i haven’t been able to fall asleep yet. all i can think about is how angry i am. it’s been almost 3 months since i broke up with you, since i found out on what would have been our 4 year anniversary that you had been emotionally cheating on me. today (yesterday?) you went on another date with that high schooler that looks just like me. it’s a lot to deal with.

sunday was worse. sunday was mother’s day, and i spent the entire day grinding out work, and you spent the day going off to florence to go on a date with my doppelgänger. you posted about it and i was a fool to go look at the video of you eating tacos on the beach with the girl that has my face. what a shitty thing to look at on that shitty day during a shitty week.

i’m just fucking angry. i’m so. fucking. angry. how do i get over this? how do i move on? you were my first love. i loved you for years and i gave up everything for you. i was everything for you when i wasn’t even enough for myself. i’m still not enough for myself.

you emotionally cheated on me with your roommate and then lied about it. you made her a victim of your advances. she wasn’t comfortable, but bless her, she was so afraid to confront you or speak of her discomfort that she didn’t. for months. for months, she held onto that secret bc you told her that i knew. i didn’t know. how could i have known that you were actively trying to get with your roommate, another girl who looks just like me?

imagine my surprise when i found out that day. what a fucking day, by the way. i was exhausted and i sought comfort in your presence. i always found solace in you. i cherished it so closely to my heart. i knew that for a while you were not supporting me, that i wasn’t supporting myself. we had spoken about breaking up but i never could bring myself to do it. i told everyone it was for your sake, that you needed me, that you were hurting and breaking up with you would be the worst thing i could do to you. but if i was being honest? i wasn’t ready either. i was afraid of being alone, being without the person who i had moved across the country for, the person who i loved so dearly and for so long. that day, i had brought you over, and i had held you close. i never slept as well as i did when i was curled up around you. there was safety in your scent, and i still remember the way that i would pull u close to me and muzzle my nose into your skin. you smelled sweet; you sneed like home.

how fucking hilarious then, that just a few hours later my whole life would change. what a deep fucking betrayal. months and months of your lying to me, of being unfaithful. when i had held it together for you, when i was suffering because you were giving me nothing that i needed, and yet i held out for your sake, just to find out that you had been cheating on me. fuck you. how fucking dare you.

i never got to truly grieve. i was too busy holding it together for everyone. i still am. i still have to be strong enough for everyone around me, still healing from the fucking bomb you set off in my life. you made me the villain, victimized yourself to my face. you told me i was angry and impatient. you wanna know the truth? you have not seen me angry. not truly. you have not seen the rage that i hold. it runs deep. deeper than anyone should have it. while you get to run around and fuck girls that look like me, trying to replace me like i was nothing, i’m stuck trying to handle this mounting rage.

i won’t get back together with you. i loved you, and i hate to admit, i still do. i think about you and the quiet time we spent tangled together. i think about your laugh and gentle touches. but in tandem with these memories is the knowledge of what you did. i still feel the moment my legs were cut from under me. i won’t get back together with you because i could never disrespect myself in such a way. you are not worthy of me anymore. maybe you never were.

i hope you feel guilty. i hope that it fucking eats you alive every day. i hope it weighs on your mind every night. i hope there’s a tightness in your chest every time you hear my name. i hope that when you look at this new girl, all you can see is my face. she will never measure up to me and we both know it. there is nobody like me. live with the reality that you couldn’t replace me, no matter how much u try. i hope you fucking suffer like i did; like i still fucking do.