learnhowtothink

[learnhowtothink]

[learnhowtothink]

Day 5

June 21st 2024

Hey again folks!

I haven't been really writing for some time, was having a nice time and enjoying it, of course it wasn't all good but most of it was really amazing, and I am enjoying some new things.

These past few months, I have entered a new job, it is not my dream job, but I am happy that I am out from the old job. Since I was HATING to go to work, it was very toxic to the point It was affecting my mental health.

So this Month I started a new job, the company is a small one and the people and the workload is not big, I am still learning, but I am getting the hang of it.

This month was also mine and my girlfriend dating anniversary so we went out and had some fun, by the time we got home we were exhausted, but at least we enjoyed it.

I am this past week not feeling that motivated to learn/study my 3D, but it's because it's the end of the month and I always get anxious about payment and pay the bills and everything. Also, my girlfriend and I are planning to go on a trip to visit her family, as it's been almost 3 years since she saw them. It will be my first time going to her hometown and meeting her parents. 😅

I also in this timeframe got to make my first bread! It did not go like I wanted to but for my first try it went okay, it was good, but I know I can make it better! Will try another recipe this weekend and will also continue my 3D study as I need to finish it! I will make sure to finish it by the end of this month, for sure! It is my new goal this time, so I can continue my studies.

And to finish this I would like to say that for now I am pretty much okay, I feel fine and just reorganizing some stuff in my life, sometimes I still feel lost and anxious, but it's part of the life. Of course it would be better if I had therapy, but writing has been my therapy for now, and I am enjoying it.

Thank you again for reading this, have a good night and an awesome weekend.

[learnhowtothink]

Day 4

Saw a trend in TikTok on 10 questions to know a bit about myself, here we go.

1- What is my favorite sound, that is not a song?

R: I like the sound of Rain and the sound of the hairdryer

2- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?

R: Probably 17

3- If I were a feeling today, what would you be?

R: I think for today, I would be Mad and Lost.

4- If I had only 1 day left to live, would I tell? If yes, to whom?

R: Probably yes, would tell my Mom, sister and grandma, and of course my partner as well.

5- If I could, would I erase my worst memory or relive my best memory?

R: This is a difficult one, not gonna lie, I would prefer to relive my best memory I guess.

6- What would I choose? A)Be with the person I love for the rest of the life | B)New clothes every week | C)Travel once a month to anywhere of the world

R: I would choose letter C, I love traveling and meeting new places and cultures, of course I would love to travel and being with the person I love as well, but for now I would choose C.

7- Who is my 911 when the world crumbles?

R: I don't know, maybe my sister or my grandma, but telling the truth it's still too difficult for me to share my feelings, even though I know I need to.

8- What is my “what if” that most haunts me?

R: Wow, I think the worst is if after all my efforts I still don't get to enter into the job I wish to transition to. I had others what if's but right now this is the worst one.

9- What is the most difficult part in knowing that I am getting older?

R: Maybe the worst part is that seeing behind I have lost so many opportunities, so many decisions that could lead me to different directions for my future, and in the end I might regret all this dumb decisions in the future.

10- If you could, would you live forever?

R: No, I don't think so, I would want to go to the “next level” and see what waits for me, I don't think this life is the only one, or the best one I have ever lived maybe? So I would, definitely, stay “mortal” for sure.

And, after this questions, I just want to say that I might not be well? At least not today, I have so many things in my head, and today it seems it's worse, and it seems everything is all over me again, sometimes I just want to “END” everything to “Start all over again” like a video game, but I know that's not how it works, so I will just continue living and maybe bit by bit making the thing better.

Till next time folks.

[learnhowtothink]

Day 3

April 28th 2024

Hey there, it's me again with another thought that came to me.

I was having a nice Sunday, nice, not perfect since I was working OT as my company needed, and I am in need of more money, so I agreed.

Continuing after the OT, my girlfriend and I went to clean our apartment as we always do every Sundays, after cleaning my mom sent me a “Hi” and I answered. She said that it was my grandmas' bday lunch with family, that even my sister went there with her ex-girlfriend (I know it's complicated and a really long story, so I'll skip this for now).

The thing is that I did not even know that this lunch bday party would happen. I wasn't aware of it, and I don't know how to feel. Another thing is that my mom used the word “even your sister came.” I don't know if the context of this “even” word was directed to me or to my sister and her ex-girlfriend, since my sister usually don't go to such “family events”. So I am in this pinch situation in my head ever since this happened and I don't know how to feel about it.

Am I confused? Am I overreacting? Am I sad? I don't know, maybe it's a mix of feelings all at once trying to understand each other, and I am in the middle trying to make all of them to gather and organize, so I can think properly!

At the end of the day, here I am lost in thoughts and feelings I don't understand, overthinking this situation and the only thing I can say is that it wasn't something good. I don't have a crystal ball to know the future events, nor I have a car to go there as well! How am I supposed to go to such events if 1. I don't know if they exist, and 2. I don't have a way to go there??? Am I missing something here???

Well, perhaps my true feeling is a mixed pain with rage, with a touch of sadness, well I will figure it out somehow.

Thank you again and have a good night.

[learnhowtothink]

Day 2

April 21st 2024

Hey, here I am again with more thoughts to say.

Today I was motivated to study and just relax, don't think about anything else, just live. But I think I might be too fragile since just one small talk that made me feel stupid and upset just destroyed my day and my motivation.

I had a small "argument", it wasn't an argument as per say but basically it felt like she called me a "dumb child" and well I did not liked this. Although I understand she is in her PMS/PMT and that sometimes I am sluggish and do not understand some things faster than usual, it still makes me upset and sad when she just call me dumb child.

Explaining a bit more into the situation, I was downloading some softwares in my computer, was focusing on this, and she was seeing and gettings some ideas for the "catification" for our cats since where we live all the cat toys and scratchers are really expensive we are kinda building one ourselves to be more cheap, but I wasn't at the same though as her, I was focusing on downloading and seeting up the softwares and I think she thought I was at the same "page" as her and said like some idea for the "cat three" we are building/having ideas, but I did not understood correctly and though she was talking about the huge scratcher and I was thinking as why she wanted to put something in the scratcher and to see where was going this thing, basically we were in different pages, which led to her being kinda "stupid" towards me since I wasn't understanding and calling me a "dumb kid", weel she said "Sometimes I feel I am talking with a child" in a tone not very nice, seeming I was dumb and, yes, I am upset cuz of it since I already said to her I do not like to be called dumb, specially a kid.

Now I don't know how she is but we are not talking, well I am focusing in my computer as I was before and she is focusing in the cat thing. She is eager to do and search things for the house all the time, I do like to see some things as well and even though I do not do this all the time I still see some stuff, but most of the things I like she does not like but it's okay it's our house not just "my" house. But I don't want to see things for the house EVERY SINGLE TIME! It is sunday! I want to relax, or walk, or study, or spend some time together, or clean the house, IDK!!! I just don't want to all the time seek things for the house!!! I want to have my moment, our moment. We just moved, and I know we need to search and make a plan but we also need to chill and relax and enjoy our time! I wish she could just do this sometimes but she is always thinking about getting things for the house and do the planning and I know this is important but we also need time to rest and recharge our energy and bond or having some time alone.

Anyways, I am upset might talk to her later as how I felt, and say it again I don't like to be called a "dumb child", to at least inform me properly what she is thinking since I need the information to be delivered kinda "detailed" so I can understand properly since I am kinda slow with these things.

Hey, I'm Jae and today I just wanted some chill and study/focused day, that in the end turned to be shitty cuz I might be too sensible and need to maybe be more tough with some things, in the end I just want to chill and enjoy.

[learnhowtothink]

Day 1

April 19th 2024

I don't know how to feel. Just had an argument with my girlfriend, and I feel like a child that doesn't know how to do anything.

I spilled milk, she didn't liked that cuz apparently I do this a lot, and our stove is brand new and apparently it sticks like hell and it's difficult to clean.

I didn't liked the way she came talking to me like I always do this kind of shit. Like, I am clumsy but I do not do this all the time, I do forget a lot of things and tend to be very gawky, but I don't do this all the time and I hate, I really hate when someone says to me that I always do this, that I am not "good enough" to do some things and I start to feel angry and upset that people/specific person say something like this to me.

I did not like the way she came to me when I spilled the milk, and I just got upset over this, but she can as well be upset cuz of some things like this and I know I need to learn that she can be upset as well I can be upset.

I also need to learn that I need to try to deliver my thoughs on when I am feeling something or did not like something that happened or said, that I need to impose myself and be more proactive and actually do something!!!

But in the end after our argument and talk to understand each other I just feel like a small child that is learning on how to feel, how to express myself, how to impose myself and how to properly talk with my partnet about how I am feeling.

Hey I'm Jae, 27 years old and I am learning how to "live and feel" for the 1st time properly, although it seems late since I am almost in my 30s at least I am starting to learn how to actually be myself and how to properly feel and understand my feelings.