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Becoming A 12 Year Old Adult
Our memories of early childhood are usually quite blurry; it’s hard to remember specific details, but sometimes a memory sticks out. Most children remember exciting life events like birthdays or a baby shower. While I have plenty of happy childhood memories, it seems that most of the tragic memories have taken over.
The summer before sixth grade we moved to a little cabin in Bethel. The cabin on Byam Road seemed like a saving grace for my parents because the rent was so cheap. They both worked full time jobs, but raising 3 young children isn’t easy when you have bills to pay, so we moved quite often. The cabin had 2 bedrooms so my sister and I shared a room while Tyler who was only 5, shared a room with my parents. Upon first glance, the cabin wasn’t much to look at. A very basic kitchen with a tiny stove, two small sinks, and a fridge. There were only a few cupboards, and zero counter space, so there wasn’t much room for storage. The interior of the cabin was dirty to me. The wood wasn’t smooth and shiny like hardwood floors typically are, the wooden walls were warped, gusts of wind would blow right through the cracks in the wood, but it was a place for us to live so I tried not to whine.
My parents both worked full time, my siblings and I spent most of our mornings at a daycare of some kind, dinner was always on the table even if money was tight, everything seemed normal to me as a child. Sometimes my parents would argue, but it never seemed to be a big fight. One time my dad moved out and slept in his van for a few days during a fight, but they always apologized to each other and continued to take care of us. April 21st: I don’t remember much about school that day, only that the secretary’s office told my siblings and I to ride the bus to my aunts house instead of going home. This was pretty normal for us because we spent most of our afternoons with her, and given that today was the last day of school before spring vacation officially started, it was possible that we would be having a late bon-fire or something. I remember walking up the road and seeing quite a few cars in the driveway, it looked to me like there might have been a party going on so we all got excited hoping there would be a barbeque. Getting closer to the house I noticed that it was quiet and no one seemed to be laughing, must’ve been a hard day at work I figured.
My Aunt Rita told her son Kyle to take us up the road to the neighbors farm because he needed help feeding the sheep and pigs. Being kids, we were pretty excited and bolted up the steep driveway not even noticing that my mom had been crying, and not stopping to ask myself why dad was ‘missing’ from the crowd of people. I’m not sure how long we spent feeding the animals, it could’ve been a few hours, we wanted to stay all night, but I knew it was probably dinner time soon so we had to leave. We were sitting at the counter, my mom was crying so hard she couldn’t form words. Everytime she looked up at us she would cry harder, I knew something was wrong. Suddenly I had a moment where I realized dad wasn’t here, and why were the other guys home from work so early anyway? I knew dad was definitely hurt but even as a child I knew that my mom wouldn’t be here if he was hurt, she would be at the hospital with him, it must’ve been worse. She couldn’t get the words out, she choked when she told us he had a heart attack at work and died this morning. My initial reaction was to make sure the whole family knew. I wanted to call his sisters and his dad...I wanted to make sure everyone knew. I didn’t cry like everyone else was, and it made me feel uncomfortable so I wanted to be alone. I went down the driveway to the pond and sat at the picnic table and out of nowhere my mom comes down to sit with me. I don’t remember what we talked about but I was a little irritated that she made me go back up to the house where all the people were. The rest of the day is a blur. We more-than-likely spent the night at my aunt's house, possibly longer. I don’t really remember the funeral either.
When spring vacation was over, it was time to go back to school. My Aunt Rita came with us so she could help my mom talk to our teachers and the office staff about what had happened in our family incase my siblings or I acted strangely in school. I remember my teacher announcing it to the class and it made me very uncomfortable to have the spotlight on me with something so personal. Our class trip to Hulbert, and outdoor center in southern Vermont was a good distraction for me, it was nice to be away from everything going on at home and having a few friends I could hang out with. I didn’t talk about my dad to any of my friends or family growing up; my mom always pressured me, but I never knew what to say.
Shortly after my father's’ death, my mom went back to work. It had been several weeks and we were getting tight on money but it turns out she wasn’t quite ready. A coworker approached my mom and asked her how the kids were doing. Apparently for my mom this was a snapping moment because she yelled at the person, “How do you think they’re doing?” and then she instantly quit her job. I think that was the first day I was really mad at her. How could she quit her job? What were we going to do for money?
So many things began to happen after my mom quit her job. She was only 27 when her husband died. Now that I am the same age, I can understand how she could become so depressed and fed up with life, but at the time I was just so angry with her for quitting her job when we needed it the most that I didn’t bother trying to understand what she was going through.
Friends and family ended up staying with us all the time. Every night
we had someone sleeping on the couch just to hang out and keep company with us and my mom. At one point my cousin moved in with his girlfriend and their three kids, but I can’t quite remember the order of events. Mom started spending her child support money on drugs and got caught up with the younger adults doing drugs and dealing cocaine out of our kitchen. My mom and dad had always smoked pot, so one day when I saw her and a few guys smoking something different I questioned her and she tried to hide it. That’s how I always knew when she was lying to me.
With drugs came different men, and that usually meant more drama along with it. Since my mom had me when she was 16, she never finished high school and grew up in my opinion, so her depression took her into a downward, immature spiral. The house on Byam Road is where I lost my father, but it’s where I lost my mother as well.
I remember coming home from school and mom would be gone, sometimes she would leave a note on the table for us and sometimes she wouldn’t. I got used to it and started to understand a pattern. If there wasn’t a note she was probably up at my aunt's house or just in town shopping and would be home later; but when there was a note it usually had phone numbers and a list of chores she wanted us to do while she was gone. Sometimes she would be gone overnight and wouldn’t stock the cupboards before she left so we didn’t have much food to eat. After awhile she stopped paying the utility bills because she didn’t have a steady source of income. Eventually we didn’t have electricity or heat so in winter, the water pipes were frozen solid and eventually burst. I was using a stupid little cell phone as an alarm clock because it ran on a battery, and I had to charge it at school in the office just so we could wake up for school every morning.
My mom would usually get home in the middle of the night and then be sleeping all day long until dinner time. Because we didn’t have a car most of the time, we had to take the bus home from school and couldn’t participate in sports or after school programs. Going home wasn’t always fun when we lived in that cabin. It was always a gamble if mom would be home or not. If she was home she could be sleeping or have friends over being loud and obnoxious in her room. Either way the three of us were technically left alone and had to fend for ourselves. I always made sure my siblings did their homework, I even turned it into a game for Tyler since he never wanted to do it. I would make simple foods for dinner like grilled cheese, mac & cheese, or frozen pizzas. In the beginning of the month we would get food stamps, so we always looked forward to going shopping. My mom never even wanted to go shopping, she sometimes would send me in the store with her EBT card and just sit in the car. I became a great shopper though; learned how to get the best deals on my own.
When we had utilities but no food to eat, I could call my grandmother or aunt and someone would pick us up if we were left home alone. They always came to our rescue. They always sent us home with containers of food so we could eat later too. We always begged to stay at grandma’s house, I don’t think she ever realized how bad our home life was. I know she suspected something because of my mother's’ behavior, but she never asked us questions. When the utilities were shut off for good, I’m not even sure how long we lived there afterwards. With no propane, it was very cold in the house. I remember sleeping with several blankets and getting dressed under the covers in the morning. I even slept in my bed with my pile of clothes to keep them warm. My cat, Tommy, would sleep under the covers with me too. He was my best friend. Anyway, Tyler usually shared a bed with my sister that way they kept warm together. So many crazy stories, I’m not sure where to start.
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"If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.' - Oscar Wilde
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theblue-eyesinthemud:
It’s time to celebrate Hunger Games fandom.
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Conversation
An Atheist Professor of Philosophy was speaking to his Class on the problem Science has with God. He asked one of his new Christian students to stand.
Professor: You are a Christian, aren’t you, son?
Student: Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Professor: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Professor: My brother died of cancer, even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn’t. How is God good, then? Hmm?
(Student was silent)
Professor: You can’t answer, can you? Let’s start again, young fella. Is God good?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Professor: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From.. God.
Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Professor: So who created evil?
(Student didn’t answer)
Professor: Is there sickness? Immortality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who created them?
(Student had no answer)
Professor: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son.. have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your God.
Student: No, sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God, for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Professor: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, Science says your God doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my Faith.
Professor: Yes, Faith. And that is the problem Science has.
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as Cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student: No, sir, there isn’t.
(The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of Heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There was a pon-drop silence in the Lecture Theatre)
Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
Student: You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light… But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and it’s called Darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, You would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is, your Philosophical Premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?
(The class was in uproar)
Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?
(The class broke out into laughter)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? .. No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable and Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures?
(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable)
Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on Faith, son.
Student: That is it, sir.. exactly! The link between man and God is Faith. That is all that keeps things alive and moving!
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That student was Albert Einstein.
Brilliant.
Beautifully done.
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wow, this was really albert einstein? had no idea he if believed in anything at all. when stories become about real people don't they hit so much harder?
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