leight0nmr

[leight0nmr]

okay so a little update about her. before my boyfriend’s friend from au was going to leave, there was another get together set at his house but that’s in my boyfriend’s hometown i think? he decided not to go because he was at home with me at our house. then the same night i read their gc not thinking anything. then i saw his “bestfriend’s” messages, forcing him to go. or making sure that he’d be there because if he’s not there then she won’t be there as well. and it icks me yk. it’s kind of annoying how she was spamming the gc just to convince my boyfriend. and at this point i really really try not to be mad at her and be mad at my boyfriend instead for keeping her comfortable doing this, but he isn’t. as far as i know. he is with me most of the time, but at the same time i wasn’t there when they hung out so i guess maybe something went on there? i try so hard to keep my peace but nothing really helps these days. i wanna ask him straight up if he had or has feelings for her, but i am scared hearing the answer both ways. i am scared that he might say no and maybe he’s lying. i am scared that he’d be honest and say yes. peacekeeping is hard these days, especially when his mom loves her so much. that’s one more factor. i feel like his mom don’t really like me. i just feel it, i can’t explain it because she’s being nice to me but something just doesn’t feel right. and i am scared to tell my boyfriend about that because he loves his mom so much that i think he’d be offended.

[leight0nmr]

…this week, and guess what i read. ;). they were talking about the ride, like who has an available car for their hangout then my boyfriend says “the only time i get to drive is with my girlfriend’s car” then THE bestie goes on and says “those who’s in a relationship should just leave (the gc)”. i dont care if in any way it was a joke but i was offended. i mean i really wasnt meant to see that but still. it’s as if she isn’t a girl. and i am really scared. my boyfriend did ask for permission if he can go with them and he’d just bring me food at home. and all i said was go. 😭 i mean really? that’s it self? on the other hand, the reason that theyre going to hang is because one of their friends moved to au and is now here in the philippines for vacation i guess, so not allowing him to go is selfish,… right? ehhhh what the hell, besides he was so excited before he even asked for permission so i just cant say no. i guess i’ll just drink it off and put it at the back of my mind. because so long as i could hold off this heavy feeling (tho i think anytime now i’d reach my breaking point) i would. this could even be my last act of love… kidding. (maybe not)

[leight0nmr]

as much as i want to be true to myself, the question remains, who the hell am i? growing up, i have built myself suitable for the people around me. doing something that will make everyone comfortable. and through those different versions of me, i wonder what’s true. i keep hating myself for trying to mimic everyone around me, but that is how i have lived most of my life. i wish there was a reset button so i could just erase all of these, and maybe then can i be my true self. this has been becoming the problem between me & my boyfriend. before going into the relationship, i laid all these things i want to change for me as a girlfriend in order to build a happy and healthy relationship, but i am primarily the person who can’t do it. not a single thing. i told him that i promised myself that this time i’ll communicate better because that’s what i thought lacked in my previous relationship, but then comes problem, my walls just automatically go up. it’s like a force that i cannot stop. i really want to communicate my feelings better, but then my brain starts mocking me and making me think that maybe it’s for the best not to say something that would only reflect badly on me. maybe i am jealous over a friend. it was something i felt right from the start but then again, mouth was shut. i kept the hunch to myself considering that he and the “friend” was barely connected. there was something that fed that hunch even more and made me not sleep again (haha de javu, huh?). my boyfriend is one of the most forgetful people in the world. special dates, family birthdays, etc. he’s not a big detail guy. it’s like with his family, i know the dates better than he does, and he told me that. so i knew, because i was joking about a password on social media that maybe his password was his ex’s birthday then he came and told me that the only birthdays stuck on his mind was mine and his. and i believed that. huh. gullible. well… to explain myself, he doesn’t even remember his mom’s birthday so i believed him. then he has two spare phones, old phones actually. we tried to turn it on because he has not used it in maybe 1-2 years. and to our surprise, it did open. but then again as a person who wasn’t good on remembering numbers, the only guess we had was his birthday. we tried jumbling it into different combinations but nothing worked. we were almost resetting the phone when he tried one more combination. 10-21-02. huh. pretty weird. he remembered? so i went on and teasingly asked him “whose birthday is that? your ex’s?” or something. then he brushed it off with “it’s just random numbers”. oh baby, you’re not fooling anyone :). so the same night i investigate like the fbi that i was. at first i thought it was his first girlfriend’s birthday, but in her profile it shows that her birthday is in April. so who could it be? then i don’t know what made me think it but i was right. it was his “bestfriend”. ooh okay? why was her birthday the password? was there something between them? (because we talked about our pasts and in no way did her name come up, not one time) and so it begins.. the search for whatever it is that went between them. i found a lot of stuff. but for me, she was his dream, his dream that he so cowardly cannot reach. that’s my evaluation haha. i saw messages of how he wanted her to be his, but this girl has her standards set up high. i guess maybe thats why he didn’t try. but as far as i read, there WAS something that has gone on between them, they were just maybe too shy to admit their feelings to one another but there was something in there. i know. i just know. and discovering this broke my heart. then i realized maybe my guard should stay that way because why in the hell would i trust someone who lies to me the same way my ex did? i have been trying so hard to get this off my mind but for some reason, i just cant let it go. his friend diether’s remark didnt really help saying that she was his chick before, and then there he was again, denying everything. idk but something ab this girl is unsettling. and oh, their gang will hangout

[leight0nmr]

and then during days like this, i wonder if you remember me.

[leight0nmr]

i guess what i’m most grateful for is how you make me feel that i’m easy to love. that i’m easy to get to know, that i’m easy to read. that you understand me. because for the longest time i somehow thought that i was the problem.

[leight0nmr]

First "appreciation post" for my Binoe <3

gentle love. that is what you give me. i have been longing this kind of love for as long as i can imagine, and now that i am actually feeling it, i don't know how to act on it. it scares the living shit out of me, and at the same time, it makes me the happiest, as if my heart floats. the mere feeling of being in 'cloud 9', that's how you make me feel. thank you for giving me so much more, hell, i don't know if this is just the bare minimum but all of this, being new to me, feels soooo much more than what i deserve, but you never fail to make me feel that i deserve everything that you do for me. thank you love for making me so loved, for healing the wounds that you didn't cause. for loving me as a whole, accepting me with all of my flaws. you don't know the half of what i feel right now knowing that you're really mine. thank you for giving me all the assurance in the world, but also, forgive me for still being cautious about everything, even if all you did is love me and never make me overthink. i guess that's one of the things that i'm most grateful for. because you're good for me and my mental health.

[leight0nmr]

at some point between the 3 months of no contact, moving on, getting to know new people, i wanted you to stop me. i guess i could say i have waited long enough to see if there’s even a little chance that we might really be the one for each other. but you didn’t take any of those hints. and now that i am finally (or at least i think) ready to move forward to another person you say bull that you’re happy to see me happy even if it wasn’t with you anymr?? help me out here because i am really confused. you even had the guts to say that “he’d have the best version of her that i wish i experienced.” well didn’t you? i loved you for 8 long years. i don’t wanna be the one saying this but you have had every version of me, you just didn’t know how to appreciate me (every. damn. time) when it was you holding me and not anybody else. so yes. i am moving on. thank you for saying that you’re happy for me (although i sense that there’s a little guilt trip playing in that statement) but you’re right. i deserve this. after everything i went through you, yes, this love is what i need. this love is what i want. the soft and gentle love. the understanding love. the love i gave you, i am finally receiving it. thank you for doing that shit in boracay, it finally turned my love into hate, and that boy, is what you deserve. i hope you never move on from me, ever. if there’s even a chance of you falling in love with somebody else, you will look for me, in every girl, in every person that will enter your life, you will look for the easy love because that’s what i gave you. and you’ll never find it, not even in me. i don’t wish you a happy life! ;)

[leight0nmr]

i think i finally get it now. you don’t want me there sleeping beside you anymore because you can’t handle knowing i am not okay and you can’t even try to do anything about it. and instead of looking for ways to make me feel better, all you ever do is make me feel a lot worse. heartbreaking, to think that we both thought that this time would work so much better, but honestly it’s a whole bunch of worse. i can’t even begin to imagine the pain i’ve been going through ALONE for the past few weeks already. fine, yes there’ll be some good days every now and then but nothing could ever let me sleep sound during the night. my mind goes down the rabbit hole until the break of dawn. i wanna get better but i can’t starting from i can’t sleep right all the way down to ruining the state of my mental and spiritual health. the past few days, i thought the pain was gone, that i can pretend that everything’s alright again, lo and behold, haven’t slept for more than 24 hours, discovered something interesting about you (again). remind me again how to sleep sound at night knowing that you’re still cheating on the girl you’re pursuing (again). you really know how to make me cry, i guess. i knew i was a mess when i had to drink a bottle of beer just to sleep through the night. wish i could jus die now honestly.

[leight0nmr]

about a few weeks ago, i found out that my ex (who i have been trying to fix things with) still has feelings for the online fling we had while we were broken up. it would have hurt me less if the girl approached him first, but it was him who made the first move. and i know that we haven’t cleared things yet between us but is it right for him to tell this girl that he misses her? there were lots of them (online flings) that he had and each of them have temporarily became the mother of our furbaby. it hurts so much especially that i cant do anything about it because we havent cleared things between us but i am living in his home. how much more does he need? what more do i need to do? how can i fix things with him when every time i find it in myself to forgive him on things that he isnt sorry about, there pops another. also, i found out that while i havent been sleeping here, he was on a platform of horny people and continued their conversation in telegram app. it hurts me so much to find that out when i went home here. i was thinking about why he wasnt missing me (because usually he does) and then that is what i found out. also, just 2 nights ago, they had a video call (i knew it was happening because he doesnt usually go to the bathroom for longer than 10 mins but this time he was gone for almost 30 mins) and i have confirmed that they called each other and showed their intimates to each other. this is still so heartbreaking for me. why am i never good enough? not my face, not my body, but why keep me? what’s the sense of having me here?

[leight0nmr]

random thought on the way home with him: what if the only reason that i am here is because this is a trauma response. somebody made me feel the things i wanted to feel for so long. that somebody also gave me the love that i have been searching for my whole life. what if i am here in this place again because i feel that this is what i deserve. that this is all i’ll ever have. that the right love and affection will never be for me.

[leight0nmr]

i came to realize that we will never be happy together in this lifetime. people made sure of that. so i am deeply sorry to make you think that it is possible. because i thought so, too. i am so sorry that i am here again from the place i fought so hard to get out of. only this time, i have all your lessons with me. i am beyond grateful for all the things that you did for me, from being a shoulder to being the person who made me feel so worthy of love. thank you so so much for that. i know that once this news reaches you, it’ll shamble your world as to why am i doing this to myself again. i guess i am a hopeless romantic thinking that this time it will all be okay. i am so sorry to ever bother your quiet life with my oh so very complicated one. i know you won’t understand because even i myself is having a hard time to do so. i cant even tell my friends. the only people who knows are those who are rooting for us. i know many people would be so disappointed with this decision of mine but right now i dont even care anymore. in the back of my mind, i know that this is another one of my escapes from my house which is barely even a home anymore. everything is so complicated right now but i have made my bed, now i have to lie in it.

[leight0nmr]

hey friends. it’s almost 7 in the morning and i haven’t had any sleep yet so if this blog doesn’t make sense, well, bear with me. i was just scrolling in my ig account, watching stories, whatever. so these stories i’m watching were my used-to-be peers’ during high school. they are all mostly in uni having the time of their lives, well.. as i perceive so. they all have new peers and new circle of friends that they share the college experience with. and you know what? i have dreamt of that once. about college and all being away and free from the burden of hometown. this was about to be a good start for me. a fresh one. maybe if it wasn’t for the pandemic, i would be better. i just shut down. i spent my first year in college through online class, well it was easy i would say. but then comes the second year where face to face classes were once again official. mind you, i have never made friends during the online class because for me what was the purpose? i have a few but i can barely call them friends. we just use each other is all. my blockmates were sort of friends already like they were divided in different circles, and me? i talked to a few really. but comes break time or vacant i am alone. and i was okay with that. i try as much to just be a part of the class not a circle because i don’t know what the f is wrong with me but i didn’t want to associate at the time. but there was this one person, a girl for that matter who was always nice to me. she greets me out of class and all, she reaches out to me, buuuuttt i kinda dont like her because she’s like the rachel of bs mls 2e and somehow i became a part of the circle i was avoiding to be involved in. it was because of stupid gossiping which i wanted to leave in high school or at least at home because first of all, i dont know any of these people and second, i am trying to just not be that person anymore, fresh start, right? but then they become handy, suddenly i was back in my high school self all over again, cheating on tests, becoming too eased about school. this is what i was avoiding, this crowd that makes it too easy. i was determined during 

[leight0nmr]

i finally have my iPad aaaaaaa omg. the feeling is so surreal because i feel like just last week i was crying over this and now i finally have it. i feel like my friends prayed with me on this one or if not, well then i guess manifestation works 🥹

[leight0nmr]

Life is pretty unfair. And here I am, stuck in a situation that I dare not to handle just because I am too afraid of taking risks. I promised myself that when I have my own kids, I will allow them to date whomever they want, no judgements from me. I will be the kind of mother who will let my kids explore their own world. Expect nothing and support everything they want. I’m going to let them know that damn well. That way, they don’t have to keep anything from me, because as a kid, that’s the one of the things I wish I had. A mother and a best friend in one. What makes it worse is a father who’s missing in action. Talk about abandonment issues, right?

[leight0nmr]

Oh New York, my heart and home. 

but my soul’s in new york.

[leight0nmr]

bare minimum.

It’s past Valentine’s Day. I am in a relationship. You’re asking me, so what did I receive for Valentine’s day? my answer is Nothing. It sucks to be the understanding partner because maybe it’s not important to receive a flower or chocolate, but oh to receive one. It can even simply be a handwritten letter. But there is nothing. I keep telling myself that it’s okay. it’s practical. but it hurts, specially knowing that everyone around him did something for their partners, except him. I think that’s the reason that I’m hurt. because he could’ve simply given me a handwritten letter, a self-made paper flower. but nothing. Even when it’s our anniversary, barely do we celebrate. I don’t wanna be demanding but at the same time, I wanna experience being in a very sweet relationship. I am below Bare Minimum, to be honest. I think of myself as a very low maintenance person. But I think I’ve been too low maintenance that drove us to be this apart from each other. I just wanted to feel appreciated during the day of lovers. during the day of our anniversary, hell, even everyday I wanna be appreciated. I know it isn’t big of a deal, but that’s the point of it. Is it that hard to tell me you love me every day? to tell me that I’m your person? your comfort? your favorite? because we used to be that crazy in love. You used to be so crazy in love with me. I don’t know where we went wrong to be in this exact position that we are in right now. If only I can turn the time back, and keep us that sweet, I will. because I would die just to bring it back. I miss that kind of us. 

[leight0nmr]

what is love? really?

I remember watching a video in which the context is about love and how love changes how you foresee a person. I believe it said “once the love is gone, you’ll realize how normal they are and you’re love is the one that made them seem so amazing.” then it hit me. One of those people I admire the most, with everything that they’re doing, it’s only bare minimum. And despite the love and support I show them, they treat me otherwise. As if I do not belong there. And from that day on, I realized that no matter how much I idolize them, I should never seek validation from those people. To think that I wasn’t even comfortable in my own skin when I’m around them is just the beginning of it. I am thankful that I realized that before I was too deep in their world.