leretta

[leretta]

I feel it.

Worlds humming within me.

Beginnings softly bellowing.

And here I sit, singing the oldest song,

I follow the tested melody, of women before me.

For I, am a woman.

In that, I hold beauty and creation.

A world of possibilities, personalities—

It strums within.

And singing to my baby,

I vessel potential futures while simultaneously nursing a reality.

I find power in that privilege,

That above all, I am a mother.

[leretta]

Choose to be everything you ever wanted.

And be it for her.

Unapologetically, without negotiations.

There is no day off, no moment to reprieve.

Because the day you became a parent, you were born again.

And this is person you always wanted to be.

-Leretta

[leretta]

If the end of the world had your eyes,

I’d go to the light,

like a moth to a flame.

I’d run—

to my end.

A thousand times over, I’d run.

If that meant seeing your eyes light up a room again.

-Leretta

[leretta]

To be unknown by you is inevitable.

Foreign with time, I will fade. I fade like a song drifting further from memory. For I am a hum that can’t be named, a face that can’t be placed. And as you read this, I hope I come to mind, but I know I didn’t. That’s alright.

Because to remember someone, they must leave an impression. And I know façades are easy to forget.

But I remember you. Always will. Til my dying days, your impression will always remain.

So thank you for allowing yourself to be truly known.

[leretta]

I still dream of you. Still, forever dreaming of you. And if this weight in my heart could wither, it should’ve already. But I know now it won’t, maybe that’s the pain of truly loving and being forced to let go.

I’m tired and years later, our love that once was—still keeps me up at night. I always thought it would, and it does, but not in the way I had once imagined it to..

[leretta]

Time passed, feelings lapsed, everything changed.

But nevertheless part of me will always linger in a particular time and space we held close to our hearts. A time, long before today. When you and I first learned to love, when you took my breath away— a time that doesn’t exist anymore. Instead, sweet moments between you and I are concealed deep in my memories.

And here we stand, grown.

Amazing how the years changed us, aged us, differentiated us.

We don’t know each other now, I know enough about you to not want to.

I know we aren’t anything alike anymore. That the memories of our love, the memories I clung desperately to, would be spoiled by the us we are now. Every memory preserved in its perfect entirety, would lose it’s young naivety. The wonder I remember in your eyes would be lost forever if I see tears fill them now.

And maybe I’m just selfish, but the way I remember you is exactly how I’d like for you to stay —because in my memories you’re preserved. You; the person who taught me love and laughter, self appreciation and earth-shattering sadness.

A boy who gave me the keys to my own heart, dared me to fall, took me to the depths of unrequited love, and let me drown in the beautiful delusions we made up together.

I was dumb, numb, and hated myself more than anything, for allowing our love to override and overthrow all logic, all caution. Shattered in the memories, I romanticized everything we were and rebuilt myself on the feelings of love you had once taught me. You stayed romanticized for years, the best parts of you on repeat. Tearing me apart that I wasn’t enough, I wondered if I could ever stop seeing you in my dreams.

That was until we ran into each other.

My heart didn’t stop like I thought it would. I didn’t crave any part of what was because immediately, I realized our differences were inevitable. How utterly unavoidable our endding always was, and how naive we were to dream of forever together. Looking in your eyes, I saw a thousand ways we would’ve ended. And with sadness in my heart, I knew without a doubt we were never meant to grow together.

Knowing that alone would break me then, but now, I see it for what it is.

And I can’t fathom to realize that with you, to talk about it with you, because I can’t let our once-upon-a-time love soften.

I can’t let the same pain that crippled me, bead off your bottom lashes. I can’t let tears form where I never had seen them before.

Because once upon a time, we ended in your indifference, and I mourned not being enough. But you learning neither of us would ever be enough… I could never hurt you in that way. Breaking your heart now would shatter me, yet again.

So I keep my distance.

And I keep our memories, preserved in their perfect entirety.

And I will forever think of you fondly.

[leretta]

Painting words on tumblr like scars on skin.

Leretta

[leretta]

I can’t remember what I ate yesterday—yet, years later and your touch still replays.

On a loop in my mind, at first, I only remember the parts of you that were kind.

Tears falling from my eyes, but I can’t remember why I would ever cry —our souls were so beautifully intertwined.

You were the best parts of me. You became my everything, and yet even more. Adding definition and meaning to spaces of my heart I never knew I needed to explore.

The thought of us then, together. It tethers me to old memories and I forget, entirely. Snagged on the you who I fell so madly for, I forget the you who my heart broke for.

But that’s what I never told you— I never cried for me. All those years ago, between sobs and screams; I mourned the person you no longer wanted to be; the man that you decided was ‘too weak.’

I see the moments and choices that led you astray. I remember each and every chance I gave.

It’s only then, that I force back the real memories, and your words still break me all the same. Regardless of the day.

And I know, all these years later— what I was too scared to admit, then:

I still appreciate you more than you ever valued me.

And maybe it’s still true— what I said all those years ago in your back seat.. Maybe, possibly, some fraction of me will always love you, through the time, space, and all heartache.

I can’t say for sure, healing after you became so complicated.. but if any of our love remains, deep in the depths of my heart where I could not tame—

I hope you’re the man I once knew you to be, and I hope you’re making someone very special happy.

Because, I still think of you fondly.

Nearly a decade later, l realized I always will. You taught me how to truly love myself. For that, I will always think of you and hope the best. I don’t fault you for your worst.

You always deserved to have the self-love you gave to me, and you never once deserved your insecurities.

[leretta]

I dreamt of the life that I am living now. I thought the happiness would feel fuller. I thought my smile would widen. But maybe life wasn’t the problem.

I am.

[leretta]

I still think of you.

[leretta]

We watched him drift into the dark oddities of his brain, lost in perplexed thoughts of anger and obsessions. His obsessions grew slow then rapidly; like a quick plague, he began to deteriorate the people and things around him.

His changes were slightly odd at first. But, as the days passed, the intensity gained. When it became a real problem, I ran heart first into his conjured reality and I slayed every paranoia he had, and every irrational thought of Armageddon. As he talked circles around me, I reasoned with him and remained calm. I gently brushed hues of darkness away everyday. Like cobwebs, they all connected. The illness implanted deep into his hardware. I really tried. But, nevertheless his inner turmoil ravaged on. He kept using drugs, the chemistry of his brain changed, and psychosis set in permanently.

I couldn’t keep the dark oddities separated. Before I knew it, his baby blue eyes became complete, utter schizophrenic blackness.

Truth is, there’s not really much else to say about a person that doesn’t really exist anymore. He’s a vessel of a person, controlled by a savage beast. The man he became, is simply the worst being I’ve ever known. To call him anything more than ‘a vessel’ is conflicting.

My eyes are swollen with tears.

I genuinely spent the past 5 years devoted to someone who is no longer here.

I lost a brother, yet the vessel of him remains to mock my loss. The illness dedicates itself to ruining my memory of who he once was; for that reason, I had to isolate myself from the imposter he now is.

There’s a weight to the things he’s said/done to me, a weight felt everyday in not talking to him. There’s a shade he casted on every part of life, and a deep pit he left in my perpetually broken heart.

If you’re reading this, I still love you.

You’re my family.

-leretta

[leretta]

Soft sad songs below my eyes. A clinching depth in my sigh.

I dreamt of better days between you and I, but these nights are another lie.

Now all seems distant.

-Leretta

[leretta]

You may not be the first nor the last, but to me -in this moment- you are the most important.

May I love you forever and more,

Leretta

[leretta]

ignored my psyche, yet enamored by my physique..

a man of lost cause.

Leretta

[leretta]

Space looked better in the sky than it does right now between you and I.

Leretta

[leretta]

lost and low.

The feeling of being utterly lost is a feeling I have felt since I was a child. Lost in thought and dancing in a thick fog of pain. Only, the clarity never came. I’m 21, feeling the same; broken and insane.

I pull people close to me, for a connection but find rejection. It’s hard for people to understand why I am the way I am. It’s hard to be who I am. My horrid past fortifies me in a haze and being happy all the time is a quiet pain. I fake and I change for normalcy. I have this enormous shame that others can’t seem to entertain. I try to confide, but friendships fall and I remain -just there alone in a thickening pain. I feel fake between smiles and when the corners of my lips trip downwards, I see the world slide away for awhile. I just give. I concede. I just wanted friends, but I’ll let it be.

[leretta]

Look in deep. My eyes burn without sleep. Kiss me sweet. My heart forgets to leap.

Leretta