letscomplainaboutshit

[letscomplainaboutshit]

I hate myself.

I suppose this is rather dark in nature, but its my blog so fuck it. 

I suffer from depression, I have been verbally abused, I have been beaten, I suffer from a neurological illness that makes me rip out my hair and peal off my own skin. My life, all be yet not worse than other peoples, is not “that” great. I do not feel like I should feel how I feel because as i said, other people have it worse than me. But depression stops for nobody. 

It makes me feel like lead or any other unreasonably heavy substance. I feel like an old man who has seen the depths of hell and far reaches of heaven but knows at the end of the day he is only destined for limbo. An eternity of sitting, waiting, and pondering on his mistakes and accomplishing nothing. I feel like ive stagnated. Nothing is really improving, its just always the same. Same bullshit, same regrets, same brick like mattress I sleep on for 14 hours a day to escape thinking. I dont care about many things that I should. The only thing that pushes me forward are my pets and people telling me that my life has meaning to them. It has no meaning to me anymore but it does to them. And lizards cannot necessarily feed themselves in a glass box so I manage to keep my feelings on the DL. 

But at the very end of the day I wonder why people ask me to love myself. Everything from the ads on TV/YouTube to people in my life. I dont see the point in loving someone you loathe. To put this into perspective I will just use myself as an example. There is a VERY good chance that most if not all of you reading this right now do not know me IRL. You do not know who I am, what gender I am, what I look like, or overall any other details besides what I give you from my posts. You could literally come up with ANY interpretation of me you want based off of what I have given you here. Fuck, you could literally Imagine Hitler or the queen writing these posts. Thats not true, but my point still stands. I am nobody to you all. I am just a nameless face behind a sorta dirty keyboard rambling about things nobody really cares about. When I hear someone tell me to love myself or whatever, I know they mean well. But some of these people have just as much info on my life as you do. I dont love myself because I have made mistakes. I have fucked up. Not to the point where people have died of course, but I fucked up in a way that changed my relationships with other people. With myself. 

I hate to sound like an overly pessimistic fuckwit, but I fucking hate myself. I am both my worst enemy and greatest ally and I really dont understand it. I work my way up to a place where i am happy and then, like magic, a fuck it up. I fuck everything up. It sucks but I live. 

[letscomplainaboutshit]

The fact men with depression are often written off is toxic and men should be allowed to express their emotions too

I find it very disturbing that in the society we live in, women are generally given more mental health care and support than men. Men are the ones really suffering here. Men have valid emotions! We as a collective whole should not expect them not to cry or seek therapy. They are allowed to have anxiety. They are allowed to be depressed. They are allowed to cry. They are allowed to have emotions other than stone cold masculine figurehead who always knows what to do. There is a reason men have a higher suicide rate than women. 

So gents, we hear you. Your allowed to cry. 

[letscomplainaboutshit]

Cannibal Holocaust: My unfiltered reaction.

Hey all,

I just watched this movie (the one titled above) with a few friends and was like “HOLY FUCK”. With this reaction alone I decided to talk about it. 

Due to this movies themes (sexual abuse, animal abuse, gore, animal gore, literal rape, etc etc) I will simply put my reaction underneath the cut. This movie is not for the faint of heart or easily triggered. In all honesty its not for most normal people. I am not kidding here. A muskrat gets disemboweled on screen (and yes it does scream) for 2 minutes and that is not by any means the worst thing shown on screen. It is very graphic. DO NOT WATCH THIS if you are sensitive to animal abuse, rape, gore, and subjects of that nature. You have been warned. 

.

Ok? We good? Good. Welcome to the opinion section. 

So the plot of the movie is about a rescue team going into the deep jungle to find a group of lost filmmakers, discovering their film canisters, and watching the found footage while the debate of “should we really show this to the public” is constantly thrown back and fourth between A professor on the rescue expedition and a group of TV executives. In the words of a friend I was watching this with “You have this movie to thank for found footage horror” since this was the first to do this sorta thing, and 50% of the movie is actually the found film canisters being played to the audience. The whole movie itself is some Italian man making a jab at the morality of shock films/documentaries  while simultaneously making one of his own. Gore, violence, rape, and other shit like that are so present within this film it was actually mistaken for a legit snuff film. He was actually taken to court over the matter and was nearly arrested if he did not cough of the secrets of the films special effects! 

Not to mention all those animals I mentioned earlier, those where 100% real! Those animals actually got mutilated and died on camera! Keep in mind this movie was made in the 80s. There was good special effects that would of eliminated the need for actual death to occur! As both an animal lover and reptile owner, the deaths of all of these animals greatly angered me and honestly gave be the vibe of cheap shock horror rather than proving a valid point. Sure they ate the Muskrat and turtle for food, but in all honestly was actually killing one really necessary? Actors in this directors movies (which btw the director insisted on killing live animals for this) have actually walked out before! If your wholeass crew is telling you not to do something because its fucked up, and you do it anyway... that does not make you “creative”. It makes you a sociopath. Again, I think I have a natural bias against this sorta thing but I am deeply disturbed. Not because of the film subject matter, but due to this 1 lone fact. Especially since the movie was shot in the amazon, those animals may have very well been endangered or extincted by now. The complete disregard for life for the sake of film/art is not to be praised, rather in my eyes to be ridiculed. Its just sick. 

As for the rest of the movie; despite my obvious problem(s) with it, it does bring up a rather good point about morality and what we should show on TV. For years we have constantly pushed out documentary after documentary inorder to simply shock the public. Super size me: look Americans, your slowly being poisoned and McDonalds hates animals. Kony 2012: Look, little African children are dying because of a warlord and its up to YOU to free them. And there are probably many more I have not personally watched that follow this same pattern. They are simply made to shock the masses while not actually accomplishing anything. They are all made from a western perspective and often dont take in differing cultural norms or the like into account. Its all American/west influenced film made to offend the viewer. In all honestly who is the really in the wrong in this documentary/film? The Natives that have been separated culturally and geographically from everyone else for thousands of years? The ones who operate via a set of religious principles moral principles that differ from our own due to their separation. Or the western filmmakers who disregard their culture, force their ways upon others, and rape and pillage simply because they can for the sake of the film and for shock value. Its funny how when you really think about it, despite the things the natives do, they are not actually in the wrong here. The ones who in canon of the film were making the documentary were the ones who actually caused the most net damage. They burnt down a village, they raped a random native woman who was later killed as a result, they did not bother to understand the cultures of the cannibalistic tribes they were trying to document. And notice how the TV executives wanted to show the footage regardless what was on it to the public untill they themselves saw the film makers rape a woman and then get disemboweled later on ON FILM. 

Was this a bit of a thought provoker, yes. Yes it was. But was this message distracted from for me a bit by the animal brutality and sounds of woman having rocks stabbed into their Vaginal cavity... Yes. A lil bit. I suppose these movies just are not my thing. I was never one to enjoy horror movies, or just movies to begin with... so Idk why I thought this was going to be different. Would I watch it again, no. Would I recommend it, no. Does it have a meaningful underlying message, yes. I dont really know how to feel about it besides “holy fuck, that made me feel something. Idk what I am currently feeling but im feeling something”. 

So yeah... that. 

[letscomplainaboutshit]

ARE CATGIRLS (nekos) FURRIES?

So to do a complete 180 from my usual content, I figured I would debunk a statement. For the sake of this argument I will be using the following chart to help with my case  (thanks Amino)

So, can a Catgirl be considered a furry? My answer would be no, again, due to the above chart along with the principles of genetics.

 A catgirl/neko is a human with animal characteristics. These characteristics often include having the following: A cat tale, and cat ears. That is generally where it stops when it comes to something being a neko. They are basically just humans that have cat ears. Can a human fuck it and have babies with it because they are that genetically similar? Yes. Can it easily blend into human society by physical appearance alone? Probably. Would It have to see a vet over a doctor due to profound difference in anatomy? No. 

Still not convinced? Lets look at a Furry: an animal with human characteristics. Now Furries are a bit more difficult to really describe since interpretation can differ among anthro artists. But the range we will be using is for this is Pretty furry to Furry. Furries are simply animals that are bipedal, opposable thumbs or other body parts similar to humans, etc etc. Can a furry reproduce with a human? Unlikley, due to a very large genetic difference since 1 is literally a fucking animal. Could it blend into society with humans, physically not really. Would it have to see a vet? Yes, due to anatomic makeup alone yes. 

SO in my most HUMBLE opinion. catgirl/nekos are NOT furries. 

[letscomplainaboutshit]

My CRIPPLING abandonment issues

So I mean like, 

In light of recent shit I figured “hey gnome faggot, why dont you talk about your trauma to cope with your feelings” so thats what Im doing... In a grammatically questionable fashion. 

Growing up I never had many friends. No kids in the neighborhood to play with, small catholic school so there was never more than 20 kids to befriend at a given time and all of them did not like me for one reason or another, and most importantly... I was not the best at forming meaningful non toxic relationships. From age 5 onto now I've always seemed to gravitate to toxic, manipulative people and become their punching bag. Obviously, since they were like my ONLY friends I clung to them like mold to a shower curtain. This, combined with the fact that my parents love is conditional I sought out love and validation in ALL the WRONG places. Thus my complex of abandonment was born!

I live in constant fear that everyone is going to leave me because I am not good enough. I do not take rejection well (as you can probably figure out by the above) and as a result I am no longer on speaking terms with BOTH OF THEM. And that sucks ass but I cannot change that all now. This aspect of my personalty is so deeply ingrained within me, I hate it. It often contributes to my constant want for death since I know in my head I am the one working to keep people around. Not the other way around. I feel like nobody really gives a shit so I have to overcompensate to keep them interested. This is all a very distorted way of thinking, I very much know that... But its how I live. I hate it. 

[letscomplainaboutshit]

Music: you are entitled to your opinion but I will still listen to what I listen to regardless of what you think about it.

Idk why this is something I’ve wanted to talk about since its so asinine it might as well just be left unsaid.  But since I am stuck in my house for the foreseeable future and I am quite frankly bored so... HERE IS THE THING.

Music has, will be, and will always be a form of self expression and possibly even an art form. This can be in part is from the instruments used and the skill needed to play them; but to me the art also derives from the lyrics and meanings behind the songs. This is one of the reasons why I love artists like Marilyn Manson, bands like Rammstein, and other industrial/metal bands. To me, these artists are authentic which is refreshing since the state of most music in 2020 is just “Ghost written industry schlock that has no real meaning”. They talk about issues such as drug abuse, sexuality, abuse, the government, and other shit that pop singers dont really talk about. To me its art. Say what you will about Pop and “your lord and savior Katy Billie Grande Swift” who whoever the fuck people listen to, but I find them significantly less authentic. Again, TO ME, most of their songs can be vaguely related to nearly every situation dealing with love, sadness, or being young. Most of these themes are just general concepts already beaten the fuck to death due to over saturation.  I have gotten catechized before by a former friend for pointing this out when I was asked about “my favorite Ari song” and I responded with “none of them, I dont like her music”. I was met with a slurry of “OMG YOU DONT LIKE HER MUSIC LISTEN TO IT YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO IT” and was forced to listen to “7 rings” and “Thank u next” (Which I originally thought was a choosing beggar meme) as some sort of testament to her musical deepness. Instead I interpreted the song as a vaguely written piece of music that can be loosely related to any situation if you try hard enough. 

Do I like Ari as a person? No, I've met her before and she is an ultra bitch. Having a platform is no excuse to be an ass to your fans; and no, she is not anything special. She is a child star with a music label. Was my opinion swayed to dislike her music because of this? Yes. But does this opinion give me leeway to tell people that their music taste is wrong and they should listen to what I do? No. At the end of the day I may think their taste in music is terrible but that is THEIR taste. Just because people listen to someone that I find insufferable does not mean I have the right to get onto my soap box and shit on them relentlessly for having ‘poor taste’. They may think I have poor taste. They probably do. But as much as they are entitled to blast “Bad guy” over their car speakers at 3am, I am entitled to tell them to turn it the fuck down because it is 3am. Taste is subjective and I am allowed to like different things, even if it is mostly just labeled as “Hottopic music”. 

I mean yeah, Pop music does have some gems that deserves recognition for their political and social contributions... But that is unfortunately not that common. Even now, that same thing is happening to the genre of music I enjoy. Its becoming commercialized and corporate, only being kept alive by the few Giants who refuse to change and the thousands of small bands following in their example. The appeal of the music I listen to is that it is real. It is some guy from nowhere Ohio or East Germany talking about the struggles of living and the cruelness of the world around them. It could have been anyone who wrote that song. Its a real experience captured in a series of notes and somewhat catchy hooks. Its a human. Its not a spoiled diva who only makes music for money. Its something that taps into the darker side of human nature and shows us the reality of things while still giving us something to listen to. I really could not care less about what Taylor is doing. I really could not care less about the release of a song that simply parrots the same one released before it. I think its garbage and I am still allowed to like what I like

[letscomplainaboutshit]

A letter to my ex

I suppose you wont read this, but yet I am writing this anyway. I currently have an infection that could possibly kill me (And it is close to doing so) so I feel its better late than never to say what I need to say. I've been struggling for 2 years with all these feelings so... its time. And if you do read this, I mean every last word of what I am about to say. This is my form of closure. I fucked up hard and well, If I must die I will die honest. I still respect you. 

You were my first relationship. I was your first as well. You meant a lot to me. I loved you. But most importantly, you gave me that sense of validation and praise I never really got anywhere else. When you would just praise me or tell me I was doing a good job I got some sort of sickly high I have not gotten from anywhere else. When you would tell me you loved me it would make me feel like a literal god. For whatever unhealthy physiological reason; I idolized your opinion and got most of my self validation from you and your affection. Was that the best thing to do? No. But that is part of the reason why I am not really over you yet. That mental hook of you being one of my few sources of comfort in this unforgiving hellhole of a planet has not resided. I still see you as the kind person who loved me for me, not for any sort of materialistic thing I could offer as compensation. You were the only “normal” person who has treated me in such a fashion therefor I latched onto that. That is not any fault of your own but I want you to at least know WHY I am how I am.  

But as you can imagine those feelings that linger for you are a lot more complicated; mostly a mix of both anger, sadness, and a lingering feeling of regret. I suppose when you look at things in retrospect you could have always done something differently. I regret many things because of that. I regret begging for you to come back because it was clear you weren't. I regret not accepting your choice to breakup and keep on fighting for something that no longer existed. It was not fair to you by any means, especially since I know you were going though some stuff at the time. I was selfish for trying to salvage what could not have been salvaged at that time. I should have been more open and supported you better during your time of need. I should have been a better friend and partner. I was not and I regret that more than anything. Somedays I even regret meeting you because of how great you were to me, and now I dont have that. I no longer have the memey gremlin I appreciated. But at the end of the day, I do not regret our relationship since it was the best I’ve felt in awhile. I still wish we could be friends and well, what can ya do at this point. I highly doubt you would want to patch things up, and with my luck my infection would have killed me before you even read this but...Yeah. 

I was angry with you then. You mentioned before how you did something similar to someone else. Someone like me. I am still angry a little because I feel like you just got bored with me and left... But as I said before there was alot more to things than that.  I thought you ended my whole world. In a way you sort of did. But you were not the villain I painted you to be in my head, nor are you the angel that I use to idolize you as. You are simply a person with interests and problems. A person I respect. A person I ask for forgiveness for mistakes so that I can have some sort of closure. 

I don’t hate you like I did, it took a long time for me to really think about the victim mentality I was using to try to justify my actions. That was all unfair. I regret that too. As you can tell I regret a lot of things. But, the memories we shared is not one of them. You made me laugh, you made me happy. And even If we cant be a couple (which I do not expect nor want) I just wanna be friends again. I just wanna make things right. I fucking hate myself for not coming to this earlier, but.. I suppose it takes someone nearly dying to realize that they were an asshole. But its better than never. 

I’m sorry Kazakhstan. I really am. I feel horrible and just want to make things right. Please find it in your heart for forgive me. Please. 

[letscomplainaboutshit]

Regret.

First post. 

This is a bit of a heavy topic for me; mostly since it delves into my biggest personality flaws and insecurities. And it all revolves around a relationship of mine that nearly ended 2 years ago. 

Why does it still bother me? I am not inherently sure. Time Is suppose to heal all wounds as the saying goes but yet I still sit here thinking about that person who left me as I said, 2-ish years ago. I liked this person, that was why I was in the relationship with this person until they broke it off. Do I still respect them today? Yes. I believe the whole victim mentality taken on by those who are dumped is toxic and something that should not have been perpetuated like it was with me. I treated this person unfairly as a result of this mentality and I regret it. I do not believe I handled the situation that well, hence why It still haunts me like something embarrassing I did in 4th grade. 

This person did not owe me anything. Expecting them to have gone along with that I wanted would have been selfish because it was completely ignoring their emotional needs. I was offered a chance to still be friends and I did not take it. Would this have worked out well? I am not sure. But I regret not attempting to be more mature in this situation. Sure both of us could have done things differently but that does not take away from my piece. I still remember all of those good memories and I’m left thinking “Wow, that was pretty great. That was a pretty great person. I would like to just have those moments of playing games and talking for hours about nothing back”. But I cannot do that now for whatever reason and I suppose that Is fine. 

I mean, sure, I dont like the fact that I cannot talk to this person possibly ever again. I feel like an asshole and probably should. I acted like one towards the end of our relationship out of desperation and fear. I wanted that sense of validation and source of love to stay. But at the end of the day I cannot change what all happen. That sucks because I still miss this person 2 years later. I miss them as you might imagine.  blah blah blah. But I am not going out of my way to make this person hate me more by talking to them or attempting to contact them if their life is going fine.  Its a thorn in my side but I am going to live with it because well... what else can I really do. I did not know how to handle a breakup so I freaked out. As a result I earned by spot as the bad guy. The “crazy ex who is probably still hung up on the person who dumped them”. At least however I I have the common sense not to contact the person 2 years later wanting to be friends again. If they want that... they can start things. I dont want to intrude. I do however still carry all that guilt. I still have all of that regret with me. I wanna do over but that is not happening. That sucks. It always will sting a little bit since I have a deep seeded fear of abandonment and inane desire to be loved. But hell. Who knows whatll happen. Its 2020.