leyla-sph

[leyla-sph]

same girl same.

maybe i am ill

[leyla-sph]

this toxic reality.. please don’t set the standards to high, where all people! to all the people being insecure, let me tell you something:

“YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!”

you are worth it.

you are unique.

you are special.

you are loved.

you are needed.

if no one told you, i’ll tell you. I need you, you are important. stop thinking you are worthless. stop thinking you’re unloveable. you are perfect. no matter how you look, no matter how you talk, no matter how you think or write! who cares? even if it feels like no one is there for you to listen or no one understands, there is always someone who will listen, who will understand! and if you don’t know who, if you think you have no one. text me, i’ll listen to everything! no matter who you are. no matter what you are. i will listens and try my best to understand. one last time:

“you are loved!”

Finally finished this piece about the toxic beauty standards imposed by my parents while growing up. Painting all those eyes felt both meditating and drove me insane.

TW: child abuse

I included some of the comments my family has made about my appearance over the years, some of which are contradicting, just to show how impossible it was to please their toxic beauty standards. To them, I was always too skinny and too fat at 115lb. And being 5'6 was too short.

My mom told me to get plastic surgery for my monolid eyes, because only double lidded eyes are considered beautiful by Chinese standards. She pointed to her friend's daughter, who did get plastic surgery for her entire face, and said how much better the girl looked, how I should be like that.

My dad commented on my flat chest, asking how come my mom has boobs while I don't. My stepmom pointed out the frown lines around my lips, saying I don't smile enough. My stepmom always bullied me to the point of crying (by calling my mom a whore and such), so she knows exactly why I don't smile enough. My stepdad said my personality is too horrible to get a normal job, so I would have to prostitute myself, but that I'm too ugly to get clients so I would starve. When I told my mom what he said, she told me to stop lying.

After a lot of therapy for my CPTSD, I can look back and realize that they were the ugly ones, in all sense of the word. But for so long I had such little self-esteem, I would avoid photos. At my first artist alley over a decade ago, fans of my art wanted photos with me but I was too ashamed of myself to accept. I've improved a lot and no longer fear being photographed. I still struggle with other aspects of my childhood abuse (a story for a different day), but with each passing year I feel like I'm regaining bits of myself.

___

A peek of the painting process, the full hours long videos will be DMed on my Patreon on Sep 5th

[leyla-sph]

Go Lovely Rose! Tell her that Wastes her Time and Mine Herbert James Draper

[leyla-sph]

Amo la combinación de la calidez del rojo y neutralidad del verde, es asombrosamente placentera de ver. Aún que, para algunos sea solo un árbol y una construcción de ladrillo, para otros es la combinación del cerebro humano y la naturaleza formando una linda vista, es la belleza escondida.

[leyla-sph]

[leyla-sph]

seeing this, i think of how beautiful the world could be. oh how i love drawings..

Albert Bierstadt (American, 1830–1902), "Rocky Mountain Landscape" (detail), 1870