libmoopsychblog

[libmoopsychblog]

End of an MRes era

I really don’t know how to start this post or even how to express all of the emotions that I am feeling right now into words, but I’ll give it a shot…

This week is my final week on the MRes course and it couldn't have come at a worse time in my life (brutal, I know). I had just started to find my footing, make meaningful connections and focus on my studies but life seems to have gotten in the way a bit too much at the end. I can't let this cloud the good memories that I have made during the year, so I think it's best for me to take a step back and appreciate some of the great things that have happened during this time.

I feel so overwhelmed by how quickly I managed to make friends on the course, especially considering how closed off I was at the beginning. I know for a fact that I wouldn't have been able to deal with the recent changes and mental blocks that have happened in my life if it wasn't for the friends that I have made along the way. However, I can't help but get upset as I write this as I know that once this blog post is over, the clock is just counting down to graduation and, then, to never be on this course again. I am so overwhelmed with a mixture of different emotions and have found this past week one of the hardest I have been through because of this.

Saying this, I know that what I am feeling now is a natural reaction to the changes that I have felt in my life. It is normal for change to impact a person, I just know that it is made so much worse for me because of my autism. That being said, I look back at this year so fondly and wish that its ending wasn't such a negative one. I just need to be better at accepting that some situations, like this, can be bittersweet.

Overall, I would relive this experience 10 times over if I was given the opportunity. I won't let the external, negative influences that have happened in my life change that in any way. I have made so many amazing friends, challenged myself beyond belief and managed to (somehow) stay afloat when going through the biggest struggle I have faced in my personal life. So, here's my final action plan on how I will use this experience to better myself and put this degree to more use than academic achievement.

1: Pushing myself

This course has allowed me to prove to myself that I can do anything I put my mind to. I've managed to pull grades out of the bag when I least expected it, but through working hard and holding myself accountable for my past mistakes. I need to make sure that I implement this into wherever life takes me after this course.

2: Putting myself out there

Another thing that has paid off this year is basically just inserting myself into situations to make friends. I know it sounds sad when I put it like that, but it's worked! I need to make sure that I am not closing myself off and I am allowing myself to be in situations that are outside my comfort zone in order to make friends.

3: Embracing change

For me, this is the main one. I have experienced change in so many different ways during this course, and have struggled on many occasions to deal with it. I need to welcome the changes in both my personal and academic life with open arms instead of wanting to curl up in a ball in fear at the first sight of something not going exactly how I want to.

Apart from that, this is me signing off from this blog (with tears in my eyes). I am so grateful for this experience and can't begin to explain how jealous I am of next year's intake that are yet to experience what I have!!!

[libmoopsychblog]

Major Life Changes :/

Wow! This is going to be quite a deep-rooted post, so buckle up! This week has been a majorly tough one for me: I split up with my partner of 6 1/2 years and it couldn't have happened at a worse time for me. This has been the hardest thing that I think I have ever had to deal with and I am massively struggling to come to terms with all of the different ways that this will impact my life.

Of course, the first thing that I am feeling is nothing short of heartbreak. Taking into account that I am 21, I spent the majority of my formative years with this person, grown up with them and planned my future with them too. It has also brought on an overwhelming fear surrounding my life plans and goals: we had all of the steps in place to move to Coventry together in September and begin our life together there. So now, I am not only upset about the end of our relationship, but also the loss of those plans and goals that we had made together. I also would be lying if I said I wasn't currently in a fit of rage over the whole situation and the reason that we split up.

I must admit, being faced with such a major life change during my Master's wasn't at the top of my to do list. I have never felt as low as I do now, but I need to acknowledge that it is how I respond to this that'll make or break my experience going forward. Since it happened, I have found it so easy to just sit, stare at a wall and dwell in the feelings of sadness that the situation has brought on to me. I know this isn't healthy, but I'm hoping this blog post will be the first step in healing and somehow making the best out of a bad situation.

Understandably, this post is a bit all over the place and, in regards to a conclusion of my thoughts, I don't really have one. It's all a bit raw and I'm finding it a bit hard to acknowledge the existence of positives to this situation. Even still, this is my short term plan:

1: Allowing myself to feel

In times like these, it's easy for people to forget that feeling sad is a natural and healthy response to a bad situation. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I should keep bed rotting and crying, but I need to make sure that I am allowing myself to feel all of my emotions without guilt.

2: Keep myself occupied

This one has been a hard one so far as I am massively struggling to focus my brain on anything apart from the situation at hand. However, I know that I need to find something that will keep myself from spiralling and hitting a mental wall. My mam bought me a colouring book (result) so I may start with that...

3: Surrounding myself with loved ones

I know for a fact that I am the sort of person who relies on others for emotional support massively. Although relying on others can be unhealthy, I hope that those around me that I care about understand that I need them a bit more now than ever and are willing to give me a little bit of a helping hand on my healing journey.

I do apologise that this one was a bit of a bleak one, but to be honest, there has been nothing else on my mind for the past week. Hopefully the next one is a bit lighter (doubt it).

[libmoopsychblog]

A good week (finally!)

What a week this has been! I’ve had my placement presentation, received my VIVA marks and, most importantly, went out to celebrate Danisha’s birthday! First: the presentation. I can’t lie, I would never describe myself as someone who deals well with the pressure of presenting in front of an audience. I do, however, think that the presentation itself went well (fingers crossed), so at least that’s one less thing for me to worry about having to do again soon. Secondly:  what a relief it has been to get back the marks for my VIVA! That one went so much better than I thought it did at the time, so I’m actually really pleasantly surprised with the mark I received! And what a way to celebrate the results than a big stinky night out with my friends! It was so so nice to be able to let my hair down, celebrate a birthday AND treat myself to a few (many) cocktails to celebrate my marks.

It has been such a relief to have a week where I feel like everything has went my way (finally)! This week has been the one where I have felt the closest and most supported by my friends too- with Danisha and Katie sitting in on my presentation to help calm my nerves and having such an amazing time on a night out with the majority of the people on the MRes course (along with a load of new people that I met whilst I was out). After having such a stressful time in my own head over the past few months, I finally feel like things are falling into place for me and that I can sit and enjoy myself without feeling guilty for doing so. It has definitely been a struggle for me to get to this point, but I’m so glad that this is where my head is at right now.

This is also one of the only blog posts that I think I will ever write where I can say that I don’t have may negative things to report about this week (the main one being the amount that I spent whilst I was out, but we won’t talk about that one!). This week has really felt like I have experienced all the best things that the university experience can offer, and I am so excited to possibly have more weeks like this during my time on the MRes. One thing that I would like to note is the amount of pressure that I put on myself leading up to the presentation. I do this every single time I have an assignment that requires speaking in front of other people: I get too much in my own head and convince myself that everything will go belly up. I really need to work on becoming a much more confident person when it comes to situations like this and look back at the experiences that I have had presenting things in the past to prove to myself that it is something that I can do.

So, I need to make sure that I continue to be as appreciative and optimistic as I have been this past week because it really has helped me get over the stress that I have been putting myself through over the past few months. I especially need to make sure that I am reflecting on the placement presentation to make myself realise that there is no need for me to get myself so worked up and pessimistic when it comes to similar assignments or situations.

To round up my thoughts, whilst I would say that this week has been my favourite of the MRes so far, it has also helped me identify my need to improve upon my confidence during situations that require me to present to others. Especially considering one of my possible career paths is becoming a university lecturer, this is something that needs to be worked on! Here’s this week’s plan of action:

1: The grass is greener where you water it!!

This week has proven to me that if I make an effort to surround myself with the people that I care about and that I know care about me, the weight of the world feels a bit lighter. Going forward, I need to make sure that I continue to involve myself with the people on the MRes course to stop myself from self-sabotaging and spiralling like I have been up until this point.

2: Stop feeling so guilty

Possibly a continuation of the last step: I need to make sure I’m reminding myself that I can enjoy myself and have weeks like this where most things are positive! I allow myself to feel guilty for this a lot of the time as I feel like it means I’m not taking the course seriously enough. So, going forward, I will work on enjoying myself guilt free.

[libmoopsychblog]

Burn out!!!!!!

This post will be a bit all over the place, so I apologise in advance. This past week has been so mentally draining for me- I have absolutely no motivation to do anything at all apart from lay in bed in my weighted blanket and do nothing. What I'm trying to say is: there has been absolutely nothing remotely productive or exciting going on in my life in the past week!!

I have felt so incredibly guilty about this and am actually quite embarrassed to be writing it in a blog post for everyone to judge me on. It's as if a switch has been flicked in my brain that has turned off my ability to do absolutely anything. I do appreciate that burnout is quite common and comes hand in hand with being neurodivergent, but I have never experienced it to this much of a debilitating effect in my entire life.

I do have to acknowledge that it isn't my fault that I have been feeling this way- this is the busiest, most stressed and most alone that I have ever been in my life. So, actually, it could even be expected that I have reacted in this way at some point during the course. I have also been really bad in the past at giving myself a break when I need it. Thinking of it like this, I feel like this spout of burnout has been building up for years. I experienced it during A Levels, but not to this extent.

Looking at the bigger picture, whilst I have been feeling guilty about my lack of productiveness and motivation this past week, it may also be exactly what I've needed at this point of my life. I've been contemplating whether or not it would have been a good idea for me to have taken a year out between my undergraduate degree and the MRes, but this is all hypothetical, "grass is always greener on the other side" talk.

So thinking of this, here is my plan to overcome this immense burnout stint and regain my academic weapon status:

1: Stop beating myself up

Whilst I'm not pretending like this situation is a good one or one that I should repeat, it's clearly what my mind needed to prevent self-destruction. Making myself feel guilty to the point of tears isn't going to help anyone, so I need to force myself to be okay with the situation at hand.

2: Back to the drawing board

When it feels right, I think what's needed to bounce back from this is to make a comprehensive list of all of the things that I have to do to make up for my little hiatus. I plan to bring together all my deadlines and tasks in both my personal and academic life, create a list and physically tick off when each is completed in order to recover from what I've missed out on.

3: Find the cause

Whilst it's obvious that the sheer workload of this course has inspired this burnout, I need to take a step back and evaluate the pressures in my personal life that may have inspired this downward spiral. In doing this, I'll be able to ensure that my life is optimally stress free and give myself the opportunity to fully bounce back.

[libmoopsychblog]

Thesis Progress

This week has been a bit of a slow one, but I did submit the proposal for my thesis project which is a massive weight lifted off my shoulders! It's always nice to close off the 100 tabs that you have open of google scholar, thesaurus and other random google searches after you've submitted something that you've worked ages on! My mam came up to visit me this week and which was actually really nice and wholesome!

It was such a relief to hand it in!!! My project is a meta analysis (looking into the sample distribution of the Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders Journal) which is something that I have only done under Jason's supervision in the undergraduate internship option module, so it was quite nerve wrecking writing such an in depth plan on how I will conduct it for my big project! it also made me feel quite emotional thinking of the fact that I am putting the first steps in place to complete such an important project in my academic career. It's so weird to think that, come September, I can look back and read this blog post, thinking about how scared and apprehensive I was when first submitting the proposal.

This being said, I am extremely excited to get the project going! Writing up the proposal reminded me of all the reasons that I wanted to conduct research into the topic in the first place and the importance of the possible issue that this paper will look into. Being someone who wasn't diagnosed until my late teens, this topic is one that is very close to my heart. I have already considered about how I can't let my experiences of diagnosis influence the data collection process.

So, whilst I am getting into my own head a little bit about if I have done the topic and the work of myself and Thomas justice with this proposal, I need to give myself a little pat on the back for the effort and passion that I have put into this submission. Thinking of this, I look forward to beginning the process of completing my thesis! Here is my plan to make sure that this goes as smoothly as possible:

1: Stick to the programme

In my proposal, I included a month-by-month plan on the projected progression of my thesis. The first step in being successful in this assignment will be to make sure I 100% stick to this plan. This way, there'll be no room for rushing or last minute decisions surrounding the project. So, granted my life stays on track, the progression of my thesis is looking steady.

2: Remember the passion

Whilst I acknowledged that my personal experiences with the diagnosis process may negatively influence the accuracy of my project, it's also what I think will motivate me to do complete it to the best of my ability. I need to make sure that my personal involvement with the given topic is used in a positive way. In doing this, I have the best shot at looking into the possible issue of unrepresentative sampling in autism research.

3: Enjoy myself!!

I think everyone works at their best standard when they are doing something that they enjoy, so I need to make sure that I am approaching the topic in a way that is enjoyable for me and one that will not inspire a massive spout of burnout over the summer. To do this, I'll make sure that the prior two steps are followed, but also make a conscious effort to take a break from the project when it starts to feel like a chore.

So, until next time...

[libmoopsychblog]

Very boring week...

I have to admit, this post is going to be a dull one. Nothing has really went on of note in the past week in the life of Lib... I've been working at my little part time job at Ann Summers, got the train to and from Stockton to visit my family and watched a full season of Breaking Bad. How exciting!! It's weeks like these that give me a lot of time to sit and think about things, so this post will simply be some word vomit about my ponders of the week.

Firstly, I feel like my experience of the MRes course so far has made Newcastle feel more like home to me than Stockton. I never thought I would say that, but I felt like such a visitor when I travelled back home this week which has never happened to me before. Don't get me wrong, my family are in Stockton but, aside from that, my whole life seems to revolve around Newcastle now. I get quite worried thinking about what I'm going to do between June and September, because my tenancy ends for my place in Newcastle in June and I can't imagine my life shifting to be back in Stockton any time soon. I feel like this course has made me realise that I am a busy city girl at heart and that there are so many more things in life to experience that are outside the comfort of my little village.

This feeling for me has been such a bittersweet one for me to think about. Whilst I find comfort in the fact that I have found somewhere that I can confidently call "home" and that feels right to be called that, it makes me upset to know that the place that the majority of my family have grown up and stayed around in is not for me. Don't get me wrong, the same happened to my brother (he's lived in Poland since the September after he graduated university in 2020) it's just quite a scary thing to grasp. This stage in my life has brought on a level of independence and confidence in my personal life that I never knew would be possible and I'm excited to see where it takes me in the future. I've even opened up to the idea to doing a PhD at Northumbria (September 2025 intake) so let's just see what happens with that.

It's funny to to think that possibly the most boring week that I have had whilst I've been completing this blog has induced such strong feelings about my future but here we are... Jake still has 2 years of university left after this year so it'll be perfect. I need to stop getting ahead of myself..

But, thinking about this mixed bag of emotions, here's a little plan that I'm going to stick to in order to make sense of this little epiphany.

1: Run it by others

I do have a habit of running away with ideas, so in this upcoming week I'm going to have a conversation with those closest to me (Jake, my mam, Lex, etc) and see what their opinions are on me making my move to Newcastle more permanent. That way, me and Jake can get the plans in motion looking for somewhere to settle down.

2: Remember that I have time!!

This year so far has felt hectic enough without me reminding myself of the impending doom that is the fact that it has to end sometime. I need to remind myself that my mind doesn't have to be made up yet and that I have time to explore other options before making and rash decisions.

3: Embrace it

Having never experienced this before, it's important for me to take a step back and appreciate the situation at hand! I have found somewhere that I could see myself settling down so, whilst I am here for definite, a good stress relief from the course will be to explore the city. That way, I can see if this is just a phase of my life or a genuine decision that I should make.

[libmoopsychblog]

"R" stands for.. really sick of this

I've put off writing a post where I talk about R because, to be honest, I thought I'd get used to using it and everything would be fine. Spoiler alert: it's not. It's absolutely, mind-bogglingly bad. So, let's talk about it...

After the tough experience that I had with Python, I actually don't know why I thought that this would be any easier. Every session, I feel like I'm on the outside of an inside joke where everyone knows what's going on and I don't. It's nice to know that other people on my course feel the same, but it's still the most stressed I've ever been with a topic in my eighteen years of education. Call me an academic victim.

I think what's making it so hard for me is the fact that it's nothing like anything I've ever faced before. I found that, with Python, things began to make sense the more I did them. But with R, it's weirdly the opposite? I find the more I fall into the R shaped rabbit hole, the less I understand what's going on! The only saving grace that I have found is being able to pester Connor on a Tuesday morning for help during the sessions (thank you!!!!).

But, instead of just complaining, I need to take a step back and look at the situation in hand. I'm struggling- but not with a lack of help available to me. It has been so easy to let this element of the course consume all of my energy, but I need to realise that this is not the end of the world and struggling doesn't equate to failure. So, as much as I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed just thinking about the assignment coming up for this module, I need to make a plan for how I am going to prepare for the inevitable...

1: Asking for help- Continued!!!

As much as I have seen an improvement in my willingness to ask for help since my qualitative disaster, I need to make sure that I am making the most of the help available to me for this module before it is too late.

2: Practice makes perfect (hopefully)

Now is the time for me to perfect my R skills before they are put to the test. I know I said that R seems to become harder the more I use it, but I need to make sure I familiarise myself with the software before assignment o'clock. So, I'm going to make sure I keep up with the 'do it yourself' sections of lectures and put in some of my own independent learning to get up to speed.

3: R&R

Reflecting upon how this new experience has made me feel, I think it will actually be more productive for me to take a little step back to avoid burning myself out before I've even started the assignment. As contradictory as it sounds, taking a little week off from the stress might be what I need to get myself back in the fighting spirit.

I'll let you know how that goes! Until next time...

[libmoopsychblog]

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up!!!

This week has been a bit of a tough one for me- there was a lot of discussions surrounding future plans, career goals and PhD opportunities and it sent me into a bit of a panic. Although I 've always known that my university experience has to come to an end at some point, I can't believe that I am at the stage where I need to start thinking about what my plans are afterwards!

I have really struggled (this week specifically) with not letting the fear of the unknown ruin my experience of the course. I have felt so incredibly overwhelmed thinking about how I don't have a job lined up or a PhD that I have applied for to set me up after my degree. It's such an awful feeling not knowing the trajectory of my life. This is made so much worse when talking to other people on my course and hearing about all of the experience that they have in the field because I feel like I stand no chance finding a job in comparison to them.

Looking at my situation, I need to remind myself that I am not alone in the way that I am feeling and in what is happening to me. There are so many other master's/ final year undergraduate students that are going through the same situation. I also need to acknowledge that I am lucky in the sense that I have a home that I can go to if all else fails (back to my parents' house) and that my situation isn't the end of the world!!

I had a really helpful conversation with one of my friends about my situation earlier this week and found it so helpful to be reminded that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for not knowing what I want to do or where I will be in the next few years. I am currently going through one of the biggest changes of my life so far and it is normal to be scared about what the future will hold.

So, going forward, I need to make sure that the feelings that I have at the moment are not going to shine a negative light onto my uni experience as a whole (queue the action plan)...

1: Breathe!

I find it far too easy to forget to sit back and relax! I need to remember that some things just aren’t problems for the now and practice my meditation/ breathing exercises to catch this existential crisis before it gets out of hand.

 2: Focus on the now

Overthinking about the future is a bit overrated- I need to make sure that I am letting myself enjoy my current experiences rather than allowing myself to cloud them with worries and doubts about my future.

3: Moral Support

I have made some amazing friends on the course so far, a lot of which I can see myself wanting to keep in contact with after the course is over (CRINGE!- don’t tell them I said that). I need to make sure that I make an effort to surround myself with these people as often as possible to make the weight of this time of my life feel a bit lighter.

[libmoopsychblog]

Thematic Disaster (Sort of)

After a stressful time of waiting, I finally received my grade for my Qualitative assignment... I got 52 (which I later found out was the lowest grade in the cohort), so I think it's best for me to rant a little bit about what went wrong, not so wrong and why I don't think I could ever become a qualitative researcher.

Whilst I would be lying if I said that I am not disappointed by my result, I have to acknowledge that the whole experience was certainly character building and has helped me to make some quite important decisions about the type of researcher that I could see myself being in the future. It all bottles down to the interview process- to be blunt, I hate it. I'm shockingly bad at making conversation with people at the best of times, and I think that was made 10x worse because I was having difficult conversations about ADHD symptoms with people that I am close to. I also found the report itself really difficult: I'd put so much stress on myself to make it something amazing and to a Master's level and that ended up with my just scraping a pass.

Looking at the feedback I received, I do think that my writing style was strong, but I just missed the mark when it comes to actual, in depth analysis of the interviews I did. I do also think that my approach to the assignment itself wasn't the best- I knew that I would struggle with it but didn't reach out for help. But, all in all, it has been a good chance for me to realise how much more I prefer quantitative research and report writing.

Going forward, I know that my placement study includes a mixed methods design, so I need to work out a way in which I can put my feelings aside about qualitative research and make this work. Don't get me wrong, I won't be volunteering myself to conduct any interviews any time soon, but I do need to form an action plan for tackling the qualitative research in my upcoming placement project so I don't make the same mistakes twice.

1: Asking for help

You'd think that 4 years into university I would be less shy and reluctant to ask for help, but apparently not. So this is going to be the time that I speak up and admit to myself that I need help when I do.

2: Learning from my mistakes

Seems a bit self explanatory, but this feedback is my golden ticket to improving my approach to qualitative research. So you best believe I'm going to use it- no making the same mistakes twice for me.

3: Keeping to my promises

I made some bold claims last blog post as to how I'm going to thrive on this course in the second semester, and how I tackle this placement assignment will be my chance to prove I've stuck to my promises. Sticking to my last action plan is the key for my success when tackling the area of psychology that I've relentlessly slagged off in this post.

So, watch this space. Another impeccable action plan made by me. Now all we can do is wait to see how my next attempt at qualitative analysis goes...

[libmoopsychblog]

New semester, new me (I hope)...

I've had a lot of time to stare at my wall and re-evaluate the way that I tried to approach my first semester on the MRes course! But now I think it's time to do a bit of self reflection and to form an action plan for semester two so I don't burn out before graduation.

My experience of the first semester was challenging to say the least! Throughout my full life in academia, I've always struggled to stay on top of workloads and to start an assignment earlier than 24 hours before it's due date. At the start of semester one, I told myself that this would be the year for me: I'd convinced myself that a switch would flip in my brain and this year I would turn into the academic weapon that I was born to be. But it just didn't happen... Every submission in semester one was proceeded with a frantic rush up to the last second that was made ten times more stressful because of how much more difficult this work is to any I've had to submit in the past. Take the coding assignment as an example- I still have nightmares about how much my head hurt trying to finish that task on time!!

Whilst I've always been able to (somehow) walk out with good grades doing work in this way, it's just not a sustainable way to submit work at a Master's level. Not just because of the higher standard of work, but I've found 27 grey hairs coming through on my head since last November and I can't afford to dye my hair every week to cover them up. Joking aside, eventhough it makes me feel smart and accomplished to be able to write a 4000 word essay in 15 hours with no prior planning, I'm going to make sure that this is going to be the semester, albeit my final semester, that I become the academic success story that they write books about.

To give myself credit where it's due, I have constantly proven to myself that I can work under pressure. Pressure has always been my main motivator when it comes to submissions- I leave it until the pressure is at its peak to even begin thinking about writing. So at least now that when I get asked if I "deal well in high pressure situations" in a job interview, I know myself I'm not lying. But I have seen the negative consequences of this method on my mental health in the long run. I've constantly been in this cycle where I'll get mad at myself when I submit something because I know it's not my best work and this just can't continue.

When I think deeply about it, I think it is the constant passing grades that have stopped me from ever changing my ways. Why change a system that works, right? But I need to value my own mental health, stress levels and sleep more than I ever have. For me, it goes back to a classic theory I studied in A-Level Sociology- the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. I have convinced myself that I am somebody who needs a looming deadline and peaked pressure and who cannot work on an assignment in small, manageable chunks so that is exactly the type of person that I have become. So from now, I'll take my whole academic career so far as a learning curve and break the beliefs that I have forced upon myself about the conditions that I need to work in.

So here we are: the all important action plan.

1: Dear Diary...

A diary! I don't know how it has taken me 21 years to come to such a blatantly obvious revelation. But from now, I'm keeping a diary dedicated to all things deadline, planning and uni related. This way I have to hold myself accountable to the plans I've made for myself and can never say I don't know when something is due because it's in the diary.

2: Going to sleep on deadline Eve.

No more all nighters the night before a deadline! I've made a pact with myself that my work has to be submitted early so there is absolutely no work to be done the night before something is due. This way, I can be all tucked up in bed early the night before like a kid on Christmas Eve... bliss.

3: Slow and Steady Wins the Race

A lesson that I should have learned in primary school when they used to read the book about the tortoise and that rabbit. All of my work will be broken up into manageable chunks that I can complete in the weeks leading up until the deadline, rather than it just being done in one go.

So there we have it, a concise three step action plan that'll (hopefully) make semester two an absolute breeze... I'll let you know how that one goes.