life-after-poppy

[life-after-poppy]

Empty.

I can remember as a kid I would always get this overwhelming feeling of being out of place or that something was wrong with me.

It would be in the most random of moments.

I can remember not knowing how to identify these feelings and I still don't, at 34.

I often flashback to myself standing at the end of my childhood driveway during a "wave.

PIECES OF BACKGROUND.

My parents divorced when I was 6.

I grew up with 1 older brother. 

My mom remarried to my dads best friend when I was 9. His name is Poppa.

My dad remarried the max amount of times for the state of Arkansas. He was lost for love, only to fall for my mothers wicked sister - the final vow to his death. ^That's a story within itself!

My brother went off into the military, we never stayed close. I blame it on the age gap, but there's also something heavy that's never been addressed.

As I got into my late teens I begin to experiment with drugs: marijuana, shrooms, LSD, ecstasy. All fit well with my interest in art, music like; The Beatles and Jones Joplin, my hippy personality, and my strong cry to fit in...

I was empty. THE HOOK. I was "too good" to be a homeless drug addict and I most definitely had control.

One day I bought Percocet, because at that moment - "why not?"

That out of place feeling no longer existed. All I knew was I felt lighter... better... clearer... and I was ok in my skin.

It numbed everywhere, even areas I didn't know were hurting. I HAD A PROBLEM... I can remember going on a family vacation and I had been doing a lot of pain pills the weeks leading up to leaving. I decided that I wouldn't bring any on the trip, not knowing my body was already physically dependent on the medicine. Mentally and physically I was sick... the whole trip... All I knew was "I need more. I know what's missing. I just have to get home to it. I just need to feel better."

The deep craving for what I knew would instantly bring me relief outweighed any other thought that tried to surface in my 17 year old brain.

I. WAS. LOST.

I can remember racing through back roads.

"I just need to get there and then I can figure it out."

"I just need to think clearer..." As I sped around a curve I took out a sign and slid into a ditch.

Who better to call for help then the Austin Police Dept, where my dad was patrolling.

"I can get out of this one."

And I did.

(just another illusion of being saved from my own slow death). 

^If only the weight of the life I was going to lead had already awakened me. This was just the beginning. A slow rolling storm growing into a decade long relationship with POPPY. I promise there is hope to come...