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Do you think Christ told the Three Nephites that there was a guy across the ocean who was also immortal

Or do you think the three nephites just kept running into the same guy whenever they were helping people with broken cart wheels or whatever

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we don't talk enough about the fact that Emma absolutely roasted Joseph for the sake of defending the Book of Mormon

I mean, can you imagine saying that your husband is completely incompetent at something, and then millions of people over the next couple centuries enthusiastically quoting you on it? Imagine Joseph right now, in the spirit world, just sitting down in defeat because another Sunday School teacher just proudly proclaimed that he couldn't write for crap. how often do you think he asks Emma why she had to phrase it like that

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seeing people discussing the concept of hell and how cruel the idea of eternal punishment is like, wow! i know this belief system you would love if not for your knee-jerk reaction against its name

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In honor of General Conference coming up this weekend, as well as a recent uptick in new folks pokin’ around the tumblrstake tag to see what we’re about, may I humbly present my favorite Mormon joke of all time:

A doctor of psychology and long-time atheist decides he has a foolproof way to prove which church is true. So he calls in a Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor, and a Mormon bishop. He tells ‘em “I’ve got a psycho killer in here. Whichever of you can baptize him, I’ll join and endorse your church.”

The priest, while understandably shook, thinks he has this in the bag. All he has to do is run in, sprinkle the guy with water, and then book it. So he braces himself, douses his hands, and goes for it. No dice—the psycho killer is freakishly fast and pounces on him, snapping his neck.

The pastor’s got a harder job: he has to physically get the guy underwater. But lucky for him, he was a linebacker all through college, so he’s got a plan to play to his strengths. He’s gonna tackle the guy into the water, and then he wins. That part works fine, but then the psycho killer holds him down and drowns him.

The bishop’s been really quiet, thinking about how he’s gonna get out of this mess. After thinking real hard for a few minutes, he tells the professor he’s ready to go in.

The killer comes at him.

He pulls out a Glock.

Unloads four rounds into his chest and kills him instantly.

On his way out, he tells the professor, “Call me back in a year, and we’ll book some baptisms for the dead.”

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As someone who grew up Mormon I love making fun of the Mormon church but I HATEEE when someone who’s never been Mormon does it and gets everything wrong. Like no. Don’t make shit up, do it right or don’t do it at all </33 so many funny and weird actual Mormon things and you don’t use any of them

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a lot of people on tumblr and Ao3 seem to think Christianity (mainly Catholicism) is just a cool and sexy esthetic narrative force to make your characters guilty and repressed and I'm just like...

hey what about the grace? the grace of God? the grace God gave specifically so we wouldn't need to be guilty and repressed? God's grace? that grace? do they have that grace?

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i need feminism because when jesus does a magic trick it’s a goddamn miracle but when a woman does a magic trick she gets burned at the stake

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*professional wrestling announcer voice* and it looks like it's all over folks. The power team up of Sin and Death has won and the crowd is not happy about it. And, yep, S&D are strutting around the ring, taunting the crowd. Just bad sportsman in my opin-Wait...do you hear..what is that? Is that theme music? Who's song is that? Wait.. is that? It couldn't be! It is! JESUS CHRIST! IT'S THE SON OF GOD! WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS TAKEN OUT BY PONTIUS P. PILOT THANKS TO THAT SURPRISE BETRAYAL BY JUDAS, BUT HE'S BACK! HE'S ON THE TOP ROPE! AND HE! LOOKS! PISSED!

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books in the Book of Mormon rated by how much people faint

1 Nephi: Laban is found passed out (and then decapitated!), Laman and Lemuel are shocked once or twice by the power of God (but not knocked out), several long-form visions occur but it’s unclear whether or not Nephi and Lehi were unconscious for them. Basically, lots of missed opportunities. 3/10

2 Nephi: Lots of good doctrine in this book, but again, so many missed opportunities. 1/10 for 2 Nephi 8:9

Jacob: Just when it looks like this is a very woke book, Sherem is smitten after demanding a sign from God and falls to the earth. 6/10

Enos: The guy literally stays awake for multiple days praying. 0/10

Jarom: The Nephites keep the commandments, look forward to the coming of Christ, and prosper in the land. 0/10

Omni: Sounds like a lot of people fell by the sword, but all the good details got put in the large plates, smh. -5/10

Words of Mormon: Well now we know who to blame for the great lack of fainting in Omni. -1/10

Mosiah: Chapter 27, an angel knocks out five in one blow! Alma the Younger remains comatose for three days. 9/10

Alma: This is a longer book, but boy does the fainting really pick up here! Lamoni, his wife, and Ammon all fall to the earth, Lamoni’s father is out for a minute, then Ammon faints again when reunited with Alma and company! That crazy guy can’t stay on his feet! Alma revisits his repentance coma, Amalickiah’s camp are overcome by sleep, Lamanite guards fall into a drunken stupor, and many Stripling Warriors faint from loss of blood. It doesn’t get any better than this, folks. 15/10

Helaman: So much drama and even an earthquake, but no fainting. A real letdown. 0/10

3 Nephi: Tons of unbelieving Nephites fall to the earth as though dead, best Christmas ever. 8/10

4 Nephi: Mormon glosses over any potential fainting #rude. -1/10

Mormon: Many are slain by the sword, but it’s really not the same. 0/10

Ether: The brother of Jared falls to the earth upon seeing the hand of the Lord, but he stays awake. 2/10

Moroni: Absolutely nothing, maybe the most woke book in this whole thing. -1/10

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Mormons circa 1840

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i’ve started babysitting for a VERY christian family which is great because they pay me a lot of money but as someone who was raised almost completely agnostic it’s kind of insane. the 2 year old keeps asking me to read her stories from the bible. (why are we reading david and goliath to a 2 year old????) the 5 year old told me today that he was going to bring his legos to heaven with him. he also has repeatedly told me that the lego spaceships he builds are stronger than jesus. (not sure what to say to that. do i deny it??? are things allowed to be stronger than jesus??) had to stop myself mid sentence today because i almost told them im not going to heaven which would DEFINITELY have caused several meltdowns. they’re also both completely fascinated by my nose ring

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it's come to my attention that people on the internet REALLY do not know what a cult is. or how to do research.

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the secret lives of mormon wives is so silly to me because you could genuinely make a good sitcom/reality show about a regular Utah LDS ward. you wouldn't have to find the most extreme examples of crazy people that misrepresent the group as a whole. you wouldn't have to portray the church as good or bad or anything other than a setting in which people live their lives.

some episode premise ideas:

the young women have to babysit 30 kids at once so that their parents can go to ward temple night

the ward Halloween party planning committee

the primary program

a land dispute between ward members that should absolutely be resolved in civil court and not by the bishop (based on personal experience)

girls camp/scout camp

ward choir

fast Sunday and testimony meeting

zucchini season

and you could have so many fun characters like the mother of 8 children (who, of course, have increasingly ridiculous names), the overly enthusiastic ward chorister, the beleaguered primary president, the extremely controversial bishop, the political old man, the closeted righteous teen and their budding relationship with the teen who's completely over it??? come ON it would be so good

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Which Book of Mormon figures do you think would give the best and worst conference talks?

GOOD

King Benjamin: knocks it out of the park with his theology of love and community. makes everyone feel like they can do a little better.

Nephi ben Lehi (adult): the “scriptorian” of the group, he has actually taken the time to study out and develop his own theology based on everything he has read.

Abinadi: lacks so much tact that it leans the other way into being seen as charming a la Bernie Sanders.  

Samuel the Lamanite: mixes really harsh-but-true callouts with hopeful future visions of Zion that really hits the right spot for most everyone. unusually good at memes.

Alma the Younger: his edgy past improves his credibility and he uses it to great effect in developing a theology of personal atonement. you feel like you know him from his anecdotes and insights.

Amulek: the good kind of folksy. can make ideas that are really very new and radical sound cozy and familiar which means that a lot of different members who don’t agree on much of anything end up agreeing on his talks.

Abish: since she grew up in a part-member home in an area where the Church was barely established she brings a fresh perspective every time she talks and makes sure to include everyone in her audience. very Chieko Okazaki in tone.

BAD

Nephi ben Lehi (teen): is really snot-nosed and holier-than-thou which leads to a lot of prescriptive and heavy-handed doctrine without any authority to back it up.

Mormon: would write something overly moralistic and obvious where you knew the point he was trying to make from the start of the talk but he would still take eight minutes to even get to the point. 

Moroni ben Mormon: visibly uncomfortable speaking in public, he is not enjoying this and you are not enjoying this.

Jacob ben Lehi: feels like its his job to tell people to stop sinning and low-key resents that he feels like it is his job while everyone else gets to talk about good/happy stuff, which shows in how dry his material is. 

Ammon: his first talk was a very good sermon about the power of missionary work, albeit told with an over-enthusiasm that veered into the uncanny valley. every other talk he has ever delivered is somehow a version of that first one.  

Lehi: you want to grade him on a curve because when he’s good he’s Really Good, but most of the time his talks just come off as overlong and ramble-prone.

Captain Moroni: all the bros say he was their favorite speaker every conference because “those lists he makes with the attributes to develop really help me know where to focus my spiritual training” and as long as it keeps them active you guess that sort of rhetoric has its place, but Moroni is just so clearly a better leader and tactician than he is a speaker which is probably why all his talks follow the same format. 

Nephi ben Helaman: yes, he’s a good and charismatic speaker, sure, but is it worth turning general conference into a murder investigation again? no.

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Mosiah 12:1, Abinadi comes to the people of King Noah in disguise, ca. 148 BCE, colorized

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ive seen a lot of unintentionally VERY funny interpretations of Cain & Abel but portraying them as a couple of mid-1950s schoolyard boys having a “WHY I OUGHTA” fight is realy just splendid