lilacmuse

[lilacmuse]

8.26.25 - Late Summer Memories

Last Saturday, i went to pray Fajr at the masjid, which is one of my favorite experiences in the entire universe. I have to stop here and celebrate a rather strange, potentially miraculous phenomenon: i, who am renowned for being late to pretty much everything, am somehow always, always on time for Fajr every time i go. I either get there precisely on time, or a few minutes early. It's as if my neurodivergent time-blindness simply doesn't kick in during that beautiful time of day. The entire pre-dawn to sunrise period, in general, has always felt like it exists outside the bounds of time to me; it's so magical and boundless.

After prayer, i ran into an incredibly sweet girl i'd briefly met once as a teenager. I'd been good friends with one of her closest friends back in the day, and talking to her brought back a flood of beautiful memories and fond emotions. We joined another friend on the patio out back and ended up talking about spirituality, destiny, and the beauty of God's will as we sipped on matcha and coffee (i'm usually a chai or iced coffee girl, but the strawberry matcha at my masjid's cafe makes me weak in the knees 😍). The sweet girl told me that she was friends with one of my old friends who had coincidentally moved to her city, then invited me to recite poetry at a virtual majlis they were holding over the weekend. We were having a ladies' shabbedari that night and i had a feeling i'd be far too tired the next day, so i told her i'd try my best.

That evening, i recited poetry at the night majlis, then had this amusing moment where i needed to get up to go to the kitchen to help, but i was sitting right near the front and didn't want to offend the scholar by leaving too abruptly. One thing about scholars: they notice absolutely everything, without exception. One time earlier this year, i was sitting in one of his lectures and happened to be excruciatingly sleepy (i wasn't bored, i swear 🙈); i'd been awake since 5 am that morning, and i kept accidentally yawning- no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't stifle my yawns. It was a packed hall, but every time i yawned, he somehow noticed, apologized for speaking so long, and kept promising he'd wrap up soon (spoiler alert: he didn't 🤨). I felt soo guilty after, i vowed that i'd never go to another lecture whilst sleep-deprived again.

That night, the shabbedari was absolutely beautiful :) After it ended, i dropped two people off, then finally headed home. I made a few new friends that night, including a lovely girl who i felt like i'd known for ages. After finding out that i'm single, she asked if she could suggest people for me, but i admitted to her that i tend to say no to pretty much everyone, so it probably wouldn't be worthwhile unless she happens to know the precise identity of my soulmate.

The next day, i met up with two of my childhood friends for falooda and chaat, and we reminisced about childhood and memories from the past. One of my friends told me she had always assumed i'd had the most perfect life when we were younger because i'd never complained about anything and always seemed so peaceful and happy. I told her that my childhood and youth were actually so full of hardship, i didn't learn how safe and good happiness and human connection could feel until i became an adult- i think it just didn't occur to me to complain because i always had God, and His nearness was enough. My life as an adult often feels like the harvest of those years of beautiful patience. Now, i regularly find myself surrounded by safe, unconditional, spiritually healthy forms of love, and it makes my inner child feel like a happy little bird frolicking in a garden- Alhamdulillah :)

On that note: on Monday night, my best friend threw me a completely spontaneous, highly belated birthday dinner- it meant the absolute world to me. I didn't have the heart to plan anything fun this year after reading so much devastating news about Palestine, but she insisted and made it happen. With just a few hours' notice, six of my friends came through, and we had a dreamy, beautiful night at a lovely Persian restaurant we discovered back in Ramadhan. Am i the luckiest girl in the world? I think i might be :)

After a round of boba and some deep parked car discussions, i went back to one of my friends' places, where we talked into the late hours of the night and had some conversations about how terrifying it can be to be a single woman in this world. Case in point: a few months ago, i went for a walk at the rec center, when a random man stopped me to say salaam, asked where i'm from, and told me he was from Morocco. Something about his energy made me a little uneasy, so i politely ended the conversation and went on my way. I didn't have time to go again for months because of Muharram and general life busyness, but i finally went back recently.

I was going for a walk on the track one evening, when the Moroccan man saw me, stopped me to say salaam, and asked how i'd been. He then eagerly invited me to come work out on the machines with him. I politely declined and kept walking. A little while later, he moved closer to the area where i was walking and started lifting weights on one of the mats near the track, stopped me again, and asked me to come work out with him. I said no again, but he insisted and tried to hand me one of the weights to draw me closer. I shook my head and walked off before he could argue further. His pushiness made me uncomfortable, so i decided to go downstairs and walk in the lobby instead. A few minutes later, he came down too, but i pressed myself against the wall and hid so he wouldn't see me.

Ironically, the reason i renewed my rec membership was the incident last fall when i went for a walk and a random guy tried to persuade me to get in his car after telling me i was beautiful. 🙈 At this point, i think i might just get a walking pad and stay home, or stick to walking before Fajr, when it's just me, the moon, and God out. The creepy man at the rec was a bit triggering, because he brought back one of my worst memories from college: the time i got catcalled at the campus rec center by a group of 4-6 basketball players, who aggressively yelled "hey!" as i walked by, and got louder and louder until i had no choice but to look up, at which point one of them declared that he wasn't letting me leave until he got my number. The men were huge and i was so afraid, i reflexively ran and didn't go back for a long time.

On a related note: the weird hypersexual guy i wrote about last year popped up again a few months ago, this time requesting me on another site. But while his profile on the original app was full of proudly boasting about all the haram he engages in, his profile on this site showcased how religious he is, how he prays five times a day, prays Tahajjud, etc. I couldn't believe it was the same guy, so i asked a friend who knows him in real life and she confirmed that it was, and that his social media profiles are still full of haram content.

After that, i decided that no matter how guilty i feel about neglecting marriage, i can't use the app or site anymore; the thought that even one man like that knows i exist is sufficiently horrifying. On another (unfortunately) similar note: about a month ago, one of my friends told me that a guy i knew a lifetime ago- i'll call him X- was lurking at our masjid cafe, and left after sitting at a table by himself for a while. I had recited poetry at the majlis that night, so i briefly felt a surge of fear and wondered whether he'd been waiting in the cafe to see if i'd come in, but i shrugged the thought off, told myself i was just being paranoid, and reasoned that he probably didn't even remember me; it'd been over a decade since i last saw him. It might be worth mentioning here that X and the aforementioned guy are apparently close friends.

My backstory with X is a little dark, in retrospect; i think it at least partially explains why i still have trouble letting my guard down around men sometimes. X first saw me outside the masjid when i was 14 and he was in his early 20s. He sent me a flirtatious message on Facebook expressing his attraction; i was so straight-laced, i immediately shut it down. He tried to insist that he just wanted to be my friend, so i replied by sending him a fatwa from Ayatullah Sistani about why friendships between men and women are generally discouraged. He gradually used religion and our emerging youth group as a pretext to work his way into my life. Over time, he'd often joke that he wanted to corrupt me, and would occasionally try talking to me about inappropriate things, and i'd shut him out for a while, but i always felt too guilty to cut him out completely because i was afraid God would be displeased with me if i hurt his feelings.

Things got exponentially worse when i was 17- though i'd always made it clear i had no romantic interest in him, he started getting possessive and more inappropriate, even attempting to use my then-best friend to get closer to me. It finally clicked for me how harmful the situation was, so i cut him out of my life and eliminated all contact. About a year later, he abruptly got engaged to the older sister of one of my closest friends. He tried calling the wedding off a month before, but they got married anyway, and i genuinely wished them well and hoped he'd change for the better. A year or two later, X randomly approached me on my college campus, where he was finishing up his degree. He suggested that i park my car in the lot where he parked every day, and i told him that i couldn't because i took the train to school.

The next morning, he showed up at the train station near my house, and proceeded to stare at me for the entire 40 minute train ride to campus. He showed up again the next day and did the same thing. Luckily, an extremely safe, trustworthy boy i knew from high school also rode the train, and i think he picked up on my fear; he remained by my side until we got to campus each day, so X gave up. That was the last interaction i had with him. He and his wife eventually got divorced (she told me he was both abusive and unfaithful) and the last thing i heard was that he had moved away and become a millionaire. When my friend mentioned seeing him at the masjid cafe, it stirred up a lot of conflicted emotions. The masjid is a safe space for me and i believe it should be a refuge for everyone, but it bothered me that someone i associated with so much chaos was showing up there now.

A few weeks ago, i logged onto the marriage site to try to find someone to suggest for a friend, and discovered that X had sent me a request. His profile, much like the other guy, made him sound like a saint who had lived a life of total godliness and purity. I know God's mercy is infinite, and i'd never want to rule out the possibility that these guys might have had some sort of spiritual awakening. Maybe they've truly atoned for their sins and are different now, and it wouldn't be fair for me to discount that- even if my sins are different, i'm no less in need of God's mercy than they are.

But still... What angers me about men like this is: they can go off and live the most openly debaucherous lives and traumatize countless women along the way, but when they eventually decide it's time to settle down and get serious, they purposely seek out the most innocent girl they can find. Don't they understand that morality goes both ways? In the Qur'an, God tells us that pure women are for pure men, not that pure women are rehabilitation centers for morally hollow men with no sense of accountability or self-restraint.

In this day and age, people often ask: what do women need men for? Based on my experiences, my preferred answer is protection. If a man could make me feel truly safe- physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally- that alone would set him apart and make him irreplaceable to me. I look back sometimes and feel a little sad at some of the things i've had to deal with since my teen years- this post is barely scratching the surface. But the optimist in me is grateful; no matter what i've dealt with, i've never allowed any of it to change my heart or my morals, and God has always protected me from harm.

Anyway, enough venting on my part- i might delete this later, i think i just needed to write it out and process it all. Despite everything, i still believe that pure, God-conscious love can persist even in a world where love and intimacy have become so cheapened and their true essence lost. And despite everything, i still want to believe that most men are good people, and that goodness is not scarce... i don't ever want to become jaded or lose the ability to believe deeply in human goodness. My idealism might leave me vulnerable, but i'd much rather be vulnerable than cynical.

There's just one key lesson that i've gained from these experiences and will never go back on: i will never allow myself to enter into any situation that feels ambiguous, unsafe, or undefined. Because of everything i've experienced, ambiguity tends to trigger my flight response; my heart only responds to clarity and truth. So if a man is truly right for me, i trust that he'll always be brave, upfront, and honest about his feelings and intentions; if he can't do that, he probably isn't the one.

---------------------------------

On a much lighter note: as i write this, i'm currently on vacation with my brother, his family, and our parents, so at some point, i'll write about far more beautiful things iA... the past week has been like heaven on earth Alhamdulillah :) The next month is going to ultra busy so i might not have much time for tumblr, but i'll try to check in when life allows iA ❤️

On an even brighter note:

Mawlid Mubarak everyone!!🥳❤️🎉 What a privilege it is to get to celebrate the birth of God's most perfect creation... what an honor it is to love him and his beloved family. May the blessings of Allah (swt) forever be upon them :)

Love always,

x r

[lilacmuse]

“Love for me and my Household would be beneficial on seven occasions: at the time of death, in the grave, at the time of Resurrection, at the time of receiving one’s record of deeds, at the time of reckoning, at the time of examining good and bad deeds and at the time of crossing the Bridge.”

— Prophet Muhammad (S), The Prophetic Hadiths in Al-Khisal P. 585, No 50.

[lilacmuse]

[lilacmuse]

You are an inexhaustible flow of precious stones, a rare soul, proud and ardent, your radiance is inner, and full of beauty and clarity.

Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. I: 1931-1934

[lilacmuse]

[lilacmuse]

"يُعطيك الله قبلَ أن تسأل، ويُعطيك وأنتَ تسأل، ويُعطيك دونَ أن تسأل."

“Allah gives you before you ask, and gives you while you are asking, and gives you without you asking.”

[lilacmuse]

يَا رَحِيمُ، أَلْهِمْنِي صَبْرًا وَرِقَّةً، وَاجْعَلْ رِقَّتِي عَلَى خَلْقِكَ سَبَبًا لِقُرْبِكَ

"O Most Merciful, inspire me with patience and gentleness, and make my gentleness toward Your creation a means of drawing closer to You."

[lilacmuse]

You could see how the world was blossoming; you could feel how the sacred heart of the earth was swaying to a joyful song; an overflowing light, a rainfall of elegance.

Rubén Darío, from El Reino Interior

[lilacmuse]

[lilacmuse]

i’m learning to take life more slowly. to appreciate the present moment and small pleasures like banana bread and texting someone that i love while falling asleep. some things can wait, some deadlines can be extended, if i can afford to sleep more then i’ll do so without guilt; life is more enjoyable when i take my time. connect with strangers in the grocery store, connect with new perspectives on life, connect with ordinary and beautiful things. i’m a person with many ideas, plans, and goals but there is so much more to life than the conceptual

[lilacmuse]

[lilacmuse]

i love arrangements of light and objects that look like art you could never dream up. i love the moments when you look up from your cup of coffee and the light hits the spoon and suddenly you’re caught in a moment of stunned silence

[lilacmuse]

[lilacmuse]

EMERGENCY FLOOD RELIEF FOR PAKISTAN

This year's monsoon rains have been disasterous for Pakistan, the 5th most vulnerable country to climate change. Millions are at risk of displacement and hundreds are confirmed to be dead or missing. This situation will only worsen from ensuing disease outbreaks and widespread food insecurity. The death toll is expected to rise to thousands.

Please donate to the Al-Khidmat Foundation to support flood relief operations in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, Gilgit Baltistan, and Azad Kashmir. They've also included information about their international partners for those of you around the globe who want to contribute through those channels.

[lilacmuse]

Cloudbursts are causing chaos in mountainous parts of India and Pakistan, with tremendous amounts of rain falling in a short period of time over a concentrated area. The intense, sudden deluges have proved fatal in both countries. As many as 300 people died in one north-western Pakistani district, Buner, after a cloudburst. The strength and volume of rain triggered flash flooding, landslides and mudflows. Boulders from steep slopes came crashing down with the water to flatten homes and reduce villages to rubble. The northern Indian state of Uttarakhand had a cloudburst earlier this month. Local TV showed floodwaters surging down a mountain and crashing into Dharali, a Himalayan village. In 2013, more than 6,000 people died and 4,500 villages were affected when a similar cloudburst struck the state. What are cloudbursts? Cloudbursts are complex and extreme weather events that occur when a large volume of rain falls in a very short period, usually more than 100 millimetres within an hour over a localised area, around 30 square kilometres. They are sudden and violent, with devastating consequences and widespread destruction, and can be the equivalent of several hours of normal rainfall or longer. The event is the bursting of a cloud and the discharge of its contents at the same time, like a rain bomb. Several factors contribute to a cloudburst, including warm, moist air rising upward, high humidity, low pressure, instability and convective cloud formation. Moist air is forced to rise after encountering a hill or mountain. This rising air cools and condenses. Clouds that are large, dense and capable of heavy rainfall form. Hills or mountains act like barriers and often trap these clouds, so they cannot disperse or move easily. Strong upward currents keep moisture suspended inside the clouds, delaying rainfall. When the clouds cannot hold the accumulated moisture anymore, they burst and release it all at once.

continue reading

[lilacmuse]

يؤمن إلى درجة أَنه عِندما يذهبُ إلى الحقل في وقتِ الجفاف ليسأل الله مطراً، يأخذ معه مظلة و معطفاً جلدياً لكيلا يبلله المطر في طريقِ العودة."

He believes to such an extent that when he goes to the field in a dry time to ask Allaah for rain, he takes an umbrella and a leather coat with him so that the rain does not wet him on the way back.

[lilacmuse]