lilmisscuri0us-blog

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july 26

TSA took my sunblock and tub of moisturizer and I literally had to stop myself from bursting into tears.

[lilmisscuri0us-blog]

july 19

Just binge-stalked various ghosts.

I don’t like disclosing too many details.

This is comparable to Binge Eating Disorder; it has similar psychological processes and effects.

Let me throw it all up

I feel gross for having done it,

I don’t like myself for having done it

But I couldn’t help myself during it

I lost myself while doing it.

I kept wanting to go deeper and further into the stomach-curling abyss

I felt anxious

My heart began to beat quickly and breath became short.

I lost track of time as I obsessively stalked her, then him, then his, then what once was mine

I caved into the craving

From Instagram to Facebook to Google searches,

I was hungry for anything I could find after having starved myself.

[lilmisscuri0us-blog]

july 17

Tonight, I am ideating about writing a letter to you – a letter that expresses my love for you, a proposition for us to be together, the reality of what that entails if we were to be, and the possible consequences (utter rejection and humiliation) I am willing to take by doing this. 

I am ideating about whether to pursue you.

I want to write about many things.

I’m going to take my time, because... what is the rush? I am and have been waiting for you.

[lilmisscuri0us-blog]

My best attempt at responding to “how are you” by my therapist

Preceded by more specific questions, ofcourse

Because otherwise I wouldn’t know how to respond :)

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july 13

“Where I’ll Find You” by Joan Shelley

I saw you there Beside the light post Your shoulders square Against the night's cold I blamed the wind when my legs shook But your eyes, that hungry look It shot through me Didn't you see? And now I dream I dream of you and me Out in the fall Always the fall I see the ground we walked and claimed I see the place that holds the weight The size of you Oh what I'd do... Tell me where to land, I'll aim this Ship onto your sand Where I'll find you Tie me to the banks and hold me Safe from all the storms that form behind me Out on the blank sea And take my hands My idle time Push them to plant The forms to find That it was all we had to do Reach the highest limb for fruit That was for you Only for you

[lilmisscuri0us-blog]

july 13

I’m on holiday, walking the streets of London

Am I delusional for calling you baby in my mind?

Am I delusional for keeping you with me throughout all these years?

My deepest darkest secret,

am I delusional for whispering incantations before I go to bed?

Come to me

Come to me

Come to me,

My favorite ghost

Are the songs on your Spotify for me?

You know the sweetest love songs

I obsess and search up the lyrics of each one

hoping they are for me

hoping you are thinking of me

hoping you think of me the way I do of you,

My favorite ghost

[lilmisscuri0us-blog]

july 1

Understanding

I come and leave

seeking and ceasing to seek

understanding

Incantations in my mind

I send them out at night

Come to me

Come to me

Come to me, my favorite ghost

“Big God” by Florence + the Machine

You keep me up at night To my messages, you do not reply You know I still like you the most The best of the best and the worst of the worst Well, you can never know The places that I go I still like you the most You'll always be my favorite ghost

[lilmisscuri0us-blog]

june 24

in the most minute of ways,

through the smallest of interactions

your actions

have consequences

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june 23

Transient Global Amnesia

“People with transient global amnesia suddenly but temporarily lose the ability to store new memories and to recall events that happened after the amnesia occurred. They are alert and anxious and often repeat the same question or phrase. They may be confused about time and place but are usually not confused about the identity of other people. People sometimes also forget some of the things that happened before the amnesia occurred.

Memory loss usually lasts 1 to 8 hours but may last 30 minutes up to 24 hours (rarely).

Most people with transient global amnesia have only one episode in a lifetime, unless the cause is seizures or migraines. About 5 to 25% have repeated episodes.

After an episode, the confusion usually clears quickly, and total recovery is the rule, although people may not remember what happened during the episode.”

[lilmisscuri0us-blog]

june 21

I was reading a passage in Siri Hustvedt’s Living, Thinking, Looking when my mind drifted between the words, and I faintly recalled last night’s dream. I couldn’t remember if you were in it. I was trying to form your face in my mind in the hopes that maybe, it would activate a memory of you in it, but nothing came to me.

I can feel myself forgetting you

[lilmisscuri0us-blog]

june 13

I long for routine because I associate it with stability.

It’s when I stop practicing my routine, the joy becomes short-lived. I get easily distracted. My attention shifts to easier, lighter, more pleasurable things. And I don’t think it’s because I am innately hedonistic or a self-indulgent person. I lack the self-discipline to maintain and be consistent with my routine.

When I find myself getting distracted, I feel as though I am watching myself in real-time outside of my body or maybe from the inside, losing all control. Recently, I realized I go through periods of having a routine and being present to utter avoidance of responsibilities and dysregulation.

I crave structure; I crave it so badly. I want lines. An endpoint. Closure, so I could move onto the next thing. I don’t enjoy being distracted. I constantly feel like I’m losing myself and having to rebuild myself over and over again.

I had a liberating epiphany while cooking eggs this morning: I lack structure and routine not because I want to or because that’s just who I am, but because I never had the means to learn discipline as a child.