little-nonethings

[little-nonethings]

Nothing

Absolutely

nothing in this world

That compares to the feeling

of waking up in your arms

Sometimes I wonder if we could ever get back to that place that was just ours

In the soft breath of the morning

Not wanting to wake

Caught in a dream come true

I found you

Found you in my sleep and you held me

Close to you

The heat of your chest, your arms protecting me from the chilly world outside our blanket

You were home

The dearest gentlest home

I want those mornings with you on my lips

Behind me, cradling my waist

Wrapped up together

Hair strewn all over, brushing it off your forehead

The scrunched-up nose you’d make

My nose pressed against your neck, ravishing in the closeness of you

I miss you darling

I miss the sweet sleepy guy who was mine all mine

[little-nonethings]

We were in a boat on the choppy ocean

You jumped ship to the cold dark blue

You couldn’t tread water, yet you still told me “everything was fine”

I tossed out the lifeline, even my own life vest

I paddled to get closer

You pushed

Them

Me

all of it

away

You started to sink

I plunged into the deep, striking through the waves to reach you

You went the other way to a raft in the distance

Made your way to her instead

I cried your name to the unforgiving winds

No more vest on myself, the lifeline lost to the sea

I was left to drown

[little-nonethings]

At the beginning,

You told me the right things

You told me how I was the one for you

You told me I was perfect

You said I meant the world to you

You told me you didn’t deserve this love

You told me you loved me

At our tough moments,

You worded it well, punctuated with a kiss

You lightened the mood

You helped me see that it wasn’t so bad

You made me think I was making a big deal over nothing

At the breaking point,

Your actions didn’t match your words

You showed me your true colors, sickly Green

You showed that my love meant nothing to you, so easy to let loose

You showed that your ego would win out

You showed me how you’d always do what you wanted, no matter the effect

At the end,

You said you wanted me, only me, forever and always

You showed me that wasn’t true

[little-nonethings]

I don’t cry

Tears will not be let fall

For the one I loved

For who he was or who I thought

They won’t be shed for an angry word

Because we never fought

I weep not for the days and nights we spent or for the laughs together

Not jokes made and secrets shared

Not when you told me

You cared

The family lost

The friendships changed

All the places we’d been together

No I do not hurt for the wishes made

Or for the loss of “forever”

I scream for the girl who trusted

She was pure, she was gentle

Who believed and who was new

Who loved the life ahead of her

And that life ahead was you

[little-nonethings]

Why

The last two months of nothing but to get used to how it feels to know I never mattered to you

Why reach out now? Your “flash in the pan” fizzle out already? You think I still want you just becasue I didn’t break your new sunglasses you left in my car…? Sorry to break it to you, but I’m just a nice girl who you’ll regret losing for the rest of your life.

You left long before I did. I finally woke up to it when I said what had happened out loud. Nobody else would’ve put up with the shit I did becasue I believed in you.

Every day you didn’t reach out was a reminder that I did the right thing, that you were over it, and that we were done.

I am not a fucking fallback. I admire your bravery taking the risk of thinking that I would soften for an apology, but I’ve turned into someone stronger and wiser without the constant manipulation from you. I am not crazy, I am not weak, or dumb, or jealous without cause. You put me in that state; your actions and the things you told me made me realize where your head and heart really were.

I told you what made me uncomfortable and you either brushed it off or blamed it on me?? You looked at more Instagram girls when you missed me. SURE.

You changed her name in your phone after I told you to stop being friendly, you deleted your “bumble buddy”s text thread when you thought I would see it?? Nothing more innocent and carefree than that move there pal.

You hung out with her twice outside of work, gave her gifts (Secret Santa anyone?), and lied lied lied.

I don’t believe your apology at all. And if you mean it, it’s only in respect for how you’re regretting the loss of someone who would have always, always been there for you. I wanted an empathetic apology, taking responsibility for what you did and how you acted. Maybe acknowledging how you fucking abandoned me even though you said you would always be here. You didn’t check in. You didn’t even ask how I was.

People congratulated me on dumping you. They told me you were a liar, and not attractive, and how much better I deserved.

I believe them now. The last couple months of knowing you were fine and not missing me at all becasue you had already moved on let me know just that. Not a peep from you until I showed up at your house to drop your stuff off reminded you I exist. I don’t care if it didn’t work with her, or if it didn’t happen in the first place (I know it fucking did). Your actions since then proved me right. Hearing from you now only tells me that you’re bored, or realized that no-one else will ever love you unconditionally like I do.

I am only responding to your message to give you the chance to alleviate some guilt. I don’t know why honestly, maybe it’s the softer and deeper part of me who is still attached to the way we used to feel. You deserve to have to live with it the consequences of your actions. Maybe it’s because I know how it feels to be burdened by guilt.

It’d be nice not to hate you so much; I don’t like being this bitter and spiteful. Maybe a full on apology would help some of that. I’d hope I’d be able to see you in passing without feeling like I was going to have a panic attack. My body reacts to the thought of seeing you the way I’d imagine someone scared of heights would to finding themselves on top of a skyscraper.

I had to leave because I knew there was no coming back for us from what happened. I’d like to still believe you are the man that I fell for, but your actions then and since tell me otherwise. Things went on that never should’ve went on, and my place in your heart should never have been questioned.

Two months without anything from you told me every day that you were fine, moving on, and forgetting about what you promised me was true.

I am a forgiving person. I gave you so many passes and made excuses for you for so long, I didn’t even know how I felt any more.

That was the worst thing about it all. I lost my sense of self in it and my ability to trust my instincts and believe what I knew to be true.

I don’t really care how deep it was between you and her. What I know is enough to draw you away from me, and to tell me you weren’t satisfied with us.

I could list every reason I have that I could be mad. Every little thing that happened to put a cut on my bleeding heart.

I am not the same person I was when I last saw you. I am not weak or afraid anymore. I’ve been through hell and came out burned and scarred from the other side.

I understand that I am not a last thought, and that the way I loved you is what I deserve. Unconditional, respectful, true whole love with all I had. You didn’t give me that.

The way I clung to the way we were… I always hoped that with more time together we could get back to that. It’s why I took the order writer position, but then you had to work nights. And then you had to go out late all the time to decompress from those late nights. And then you had to incorporate a fling to keep yourself satisfied.

I grieved your loss, my love. You were my whole world. All I would think about is how what I did would affect you, or what I would tell you about my day, or what I could do with you to make you happy.

You got so much of me, and I would’ve given you all of my life. I didn’t want or need anyone or anything else. That’s what you were supposed to feel with me. It wasn’t going to work out, and it’s better that it’s over while we’re still young; right? You have another chance to find who’s meant for you. Someone that fulfills all the needs and desires you have, and who you can’t stand to be away from.

You have no idea what these last two months were like for me. The embarrassment of having to explain to our coworkers and friends that we weren’t together anymore. The shame of seeing your family knowing that they knew something happened, of telling my family what I put up with. Trying to repair the bonds of trust with my family over how I ignored what they said about you from the beginning.

You never took me seriously. I told you so many times how what you would do was hurting me, and you did it anyway. That was not ok.

Oh, I forgot to mention I thought I was pregnant that first month. I was late, and looking up abortion clinics and methods. Did you know they can mail you the pills? There’s two rounds, of two different medications. Did you know you can bleed to death from them? I didn’t know what to do, but after not hearing from you for weeks and knowing I meant nothing to you, I wasn’t about to let a pregnancy get far enough along to feel guilty about it. You did not show me that you were mine forever, and I most certainly wasn’t going to give you that piece of me for the rest of my life.

You can say pretty words but the things you did are so much louder. I couldn’t have cared less about how much you worked if you didn’t make me feel unwanted. You became closed off and distant. Four days in a cabin wouldn’t have helped; only put off the inevitable. Those days off were miserable. I couldn’t sleep and was having nightmares about you.

I hurt still, I bury it pretty well but writing this is bringing it back out.

You needed the validation from her, I was boring and routine. I felt it. You weren’t excited by sex with me, or satisfied or whatever. It’s hard to be hard in the cold back of a car, I get it.

Once again, it falls back to the fact that I wasn’t convenient for you.

Our Valentines Day did something totally different for me. I felt like a brat, and a burden. Like I was too much for you, and you weren’t excited, mostly tired. I hated that it felt like you were performing the part of a perfect gentleman just because I was upset. I needed to see that all the time so I knew it was real.

You didn’t want to wear the matching sweaters in front of your friends… that hurt too even though I laughed it off.

Somehow I still fucking love you and don’t want to hurt you. The tender hearted man who cried in my arms is someone I’ll forever be gone for. But the cold one who pushed me away and let me go so easy is standing in front so I can’t even see the one I love anymore. I wanted to give you the chance at apology so you can alleviate your guilt and move on.

Thank you for the apology.

I am not open to getting back together, but I do appreciate the effort and bravery it took to write all that out.

Hoping it gives you some closure or alleviation of guilt so you can move on.

[little-nonethings]

I just want to know why

What went wrong to push you away?

Was it something inside you?

Why couldn’t you stay?

I gave you my life, maybe too much of my thoughts.

I made sure your time was spent wisely and to make you happy. I know I couldn’t keep up with you. Late nights and drinking and giving your time to things that are shallow and escape to a place you don’t have to think about the things that scare you.

We were good, but I don’t know that we were ever real. I believed I was your safe space, I was proud to be the protector of your heart. I don’t know if you ever gave it to me truly in the first place, or if you were manipulating me from the start.

Did you really throw away someone who was so devoted to you she would rather believe you wanted her than see the truth of your actions? You could’ve had someone who would always be in your corner, always support you, always been yours to use for whatever you needed.

I survived on the bare minimum. I asked for a piece of your time when you had it to spare, for tales of the days I wasn’t there. I tried to take care of you. I gave you my good times and joy, and protected you from the bad. I submitted to your needs and desires because I was so desperate to make you happy. Nothing I could’ve ever done would’ve been enough for you.

You took and took and tried to make me feel like the things we missed out on weren’t a big deal. I wanted to spend life with you to make up for what we lost. That was never your intention. You strung me along and lied to my face about it for months.

I tell myself it was true in the beginning.

That your ability to be vulnerable with me, share experiences, and spend time and build love was real. I remember when kissing you felt like magic.

There’s so much more I could ask or try to understand from why you decided to stray. I never would be able to get it.

When did it end? What made you decide that a flash in a pan was worth the rest of your life? Was it the drink? The idea of something new? I didn’t deserve to be cheated, lied to, and played. You should’ve told me from the beginning and saved us both some time and stress.

Nothing in the world mattered to me but you, and maybe the pressure of how much I cared was too much. Maybe you couldn’t see yourself slowing down because then your thoughts would have time to catch up to you and make you sad again.

Did you ever think that maybe you could’ve found happiness? That living your life with and for the woman who loves you with her whole being could’ve made you excited to wake up every day? You used to tell me there was no better feeling in the world.

I still believe that, and I’m going to miss holding you and sharing the quietest and most peaceful and special part of the day with you.

The connection with you faded. I felt you pull away, and I tried so hard to deny it. To brush it off as being tired, scattered, or frustrated with your situation. You spent more time with your friends than me, and didn’t seem to care if I was around or not. You no longer made me feel wanted.

I look back and see you doing what little you had to to keep me coming back and trusting you. I don’t understand why.

Why did you make any effort to keep me when you no longer felt it?

Why not just use one of the many opportunities I gave you to make it clean? Why did you have to betray my trust and make it so hard on me? You knew I’ve never loved anyone before. You could’ve made it so easy and told me that we were too different. You could’ve said you’d found some one else. I told you from the start to, and the fact you didn’t know me enough to do what I asked says a lot.

I loved how you remembered the little stuff. How you took care and effort into doing things for me or giving me the trinkets you knew I’d see and love and think of you.

It broke me to put your things away and get them out of my life. It’s not fair that I had so much to give back to you, and nothing from you I wanted back.

How was it so easy for you to let me go?

If you wanted me gone why not just tell me to my face? Why did it have to be me to feel the guilt and hurt of stopping this broken relationship?

It did give me a little bit of myself back, but only in the way that I felt vindicated for what you did.

I still don’t believe you could’ve betrayed me, but everything points to that you did. I don’t understand it. Sure a new pliable girl is easy to use, but I was never against anything you wanted unless it hurt you. I let you use me, for so many things, for such a long time. I never gave you a reason to doubt me and my faithfulness to your life.

You gave me so much, darling.

You taught me to go with the flow, how to keep friendships, and that I’m capable of great love. I’m thankful for the good we shared. That is what I hold onto. You were good to me in the beginning, but I think you got scared and you let fear ruin the best thing that could’ve happened to us.

I feel like a fool for letting it go on so long and holding onto what we were back then rather than what we had been. For thinking you were the same person I fell head over heels for, who treated me like I was a part of the world he wanted around. You made it too easy to walk away. It was the hardest decision I’ve had to make, but even still, with how you’d changed; I felt it was the right one. I told myself I was setting you free you know. That was how I kept myself on the track. If someone else had come into your life who you needed more than me, by giving you up I was letting you be happy.

I truly do hope you find it. The happiness and stability you deserve. The chaos around you won’t always be that way, and I hope one day you can take a deep breath and really and truly enjoy the life that you have and that you made for yourself. I’m proud of you and the accomplishments you’ve made to better your life and give yourself freedom. You deserve to be happy and feel love and loved by the people around you.

Love is the reason to keep going, to push past the hard days and to make the best of the time we have. It sounds cliche but that is what I hold on to. The love and support of my family to get me through this is how I move forward.

I’ve grieved you, almost as hard as if you were gone from the Earth. I’ve cried and wailed and ached knowing that you are not mine anymore. I go to bed comforted by knowing I’ve loved you with all my heart since we started dating, and that I will continue to love you because that’s part of what you are to me; my first love.

[little-nonethings]

ain't nothing hotter than an emotional buff guy being a good dad

[little-nonethings]

One day

You will find someone who finds you attractive no matter what you look like.

You’ll always be wanted, because they love you unconditionally and whole-heartedly.

Don’t settle for a jerk who is only nice to you when you look a certain way.

[little-nonethings]

My love language is to sit with you without saying or doing anything. I'll just look in your eyes and will just admire you.

[little-nonethings]

nothing

doing nothing with you sounds so nice

[little-nonethings]

“You are not evil for experiencing romantic/sexual attraction” and “You are not evil for not experiencing romantic/sexual attraction” are statements that can and should coexist

[little-nonethings]

me flirting: i always want to take care of you

[little-nonethings]

I wanna be someone’s comfort person. their go to. their favorite. the person they wanna grow with and heal with. 

[little-nonethings]

i think waiting together is a love language. wait for the train with me, so we can talk a little longer. wait for dinner with me, we can slow dance in the kitchen. wait for me until i can talk after crying my eyes out, hold me, we will figure it out. wait for me when it gets rough, i know i can get through this (with you). wait for me in the car, this song is too good to not finish listening to it. wait for the first snow with me, cold red noses and bright eyes. lets wait for each other, i love you.

[little-nonethings]

I still remember this time I was on a canoeing trip when I was about 14 and had brightly dyed hair. There was a little girl and her dad on the trip as well. She was maybe 5, that inquisitive age where you ask questions constantly. She pointed at me and said something like “Daddy, why do they have blue hair?” and her father responded matter-of-factly with “Because he wants to.” and the little girl went ‘oh’ and was silent for just a moment like she was thinking about it, maybe considering her own hair being blue. I love that response he gave her. It was so concise, so honest, so nonjudgmental, such a good way to handle that question. My dad hated when I dyed my hair, he thought dyed hair was trashy and vulgar and especially unnatural colors. To him it never mattered what I wanted to do with my hair just what he thought looked nice, he wanted my naturally dark hair to remain long and was angry when I cut or colored it. My parents had just separated and my mom let me dye it as an act of rebellion.

It seemed like that little girl had a different type of father, the kind who understood adolescent need for free will. She’d be the age I was when this transpired. I wonder if she dyes her hair fun colors.

[little-nonethings]

GUYS READ ALL OF THIS PLEASE PLEASE PL–

[little-nonethings]

An entire day of nonstop cuddling and occasional kisses would fix me