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I get the urge to draw him every once in a while

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I wish I understood people more.

Like, *really* understood people. I mean, I can psychoanalyize people very well, I can parse through motivations and someone's past and make accurate conclusions. I'm even *good* with people. I'm going into the social services for a reason. I'm known by the faculty in my program for being a very promising student. I am emphasize very well. I've worked on that, on being caring and understanding, and having a very warm, calming presence. I'm proud of myself for that. I listen well and I give good advice--I've helped people through most kinds of relationship/other interpersonal problems because I understand human behaviour and human relationships in a very thorough and intuitive way. Human beings and human relationships make a lot of sense to me, I love thinking through these things and helping. I have a lot of strengths in psychology and sociology, because it's something my brain naturally understands.

But I don't understand people. I don't know how to explain that. I don't understand people as they relate to me. I can see two people interacting and immediately know what's wrong; who's not listening to who, whatever. But my interpersonal relationships are a completely confusing mystery to me. Whenever I try and relay my knowledge to my interactions with people, I just feel confused.

Part of it is that I have very little in a way of an outward sense of self. I have no clue how I'm seen. I don't know how I exist in other people's heads and that's been a huge stressor of mine on-and-off for years. I specifically remember when I noticed this. I remember asking a friend "who am I in your head? Do I exist there? How am I seen by you?" and getting really upset. I don't think he understood, he took it as a self confidence thing and gave me some compliments, and it wasn't that. It's the realization that I just, have no clue.

It's one of the reasons I just don't befriend people who are so forward-facing. Everything about themselves is based on how they want to be seen, and everything else is tucked away. And they are so very aware how people see them. I also really lose patience with people that are just a bit too aware of their own attractiveness, too, in a very specifically insufferable manner. I just can't relate to any of that. When people call me attractive or compliment me, I never really know how to react. It's not that I don't see it when I see it in the mirror. It's that as soon as I'm not looking at myself, I stop existing outwardly. I can barely picture what someone is seeing.

Like, ya, I wear masks cus of the Autism and I keep a lot of myself tucked away. And I have a neurotypical-sona and a work-sona that I can wear when need be. But those personas were cultivated by a lot of trial and error: doing different behaviours and seeing how people reacted to them and how it changed how people interacted with me, and then once I got a sense of what people may be assuming about me based on their responses, I compartmentalized different things for different uses. These masks had to be carefully backwards engineered and tweaked over years, and they still aren't fullproof. So it's not like I know what I'm putting on, I just know how it alters other people's behaviours to me and what that may mean.

I barely am aware of what my body and face is doing at any given time. I had to practice facial expressions in the mirror as a kid until I could do ones that matched my emotions. I still find my face quite hard to control without focus. Only expressions I can do without thinking now (years of practice) are withering looks, death glares, and 😬. Smiling and joyful faces have always been the exception. Those are my loudest, natural, faces.

Sad, hurt, anxious, angry, surprise, confusion. Those faces I couldn't do naturally. I'd often just look impassive. And people would assume I was angry when I wasn't because my old resting face was very much like this 😐 but with heavy, low eyebrows, which people take for a scowl. In actuality, it's just how my eyebrows settle, it's my zoning out, neutral, head empty expression. I got sick of people asking me if I was annoyed or angry and not believe me when I said that I was literally thinking of nothing, that I practiced always keeping my eyebrows up til I could do it without thinking. Which makes me look perpetually mildly confused. And I keep getting strangers asking if I'm lost. Also, if I'm out about the whole day around people and I want to keep my "friendly" face on, by the end of the day my eyebrow muscles Hurt.

And writing all that gave me thought to my previous quandary... maybe I don't understand people because they don't understand me. And would always asked me to change so I seemed more "normal" to them. I remember talking to someone, disclosing that I'm tired all the time from the masking, that I'm running my brain on all cylinders all the time to keep up with neurotypical people, and I never ask for accommodation or explanations that I can understand, because they often aren't respected. And that person told me it was a good thing. People shouldn't meet me in the middle because I needed to learn how to be "normal." I'm so much less constantly socially stressed after my autism diagnosis, because it's letting me let it out more. I can more easily ask for adjustments, and I actually feel genuinely connected with people for the first time in my life, because people are seeing the real me.

i think that's why all these worries about not understanding people are coming up. i think since I'm so new on genuine connections, I'm actually more aware in a way I wasn't before how differently my brain works than a lot of others. which makes me lost and confused. the closer I get to more people, the more abnormal and socially lost I feel. And I have so much more to discover about myself now.

it's just...ah... it's all complicated

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I am at the hairdressers right now for my birthday hair

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the whole “will has bad taste in guys bc he likes mike” thing is so tired lmfao like omg yeah such bad taste to be in love with the guy who’s always treated you with especial tenderness and care, who never gave up on you when everyone thought you were dead, who stayed by your side the entire time you were possessed by an eldritch monster, who rode out into the rain to apologise immediately after he hurt you, who apologised again for being a bad friend first chance he got, who keeps a binder full of your art because he loves you so much, who-

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I FOUND VINTAGE GONCHAROV MERCH?

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Can they be best friends, please.

Look at them. I'm begging you. Trauma buddies. Yess.

Idea from: @theonebyler (They are amazing)

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are we watching the same mf show

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How I think people misrepresent Will Solace (And why I hate the fanon version of him)

If I were to be completely honest and true to myself, I think that Will Solace is one of the most misrepresented characters in the entire series.  Mostly I think that’s due to the fact that he hasn’t had much time to be developed on screen and when he is on screen his personality, thoughts and feelings are being obscured by the person narrating the story. Which is mostly Apollo. So, all we see of Will Solace is him in his “best” form. He’s a kind and loving person to Apollo and his boyfriend, but that’s it.  So that’s how everyone characterizes him. 

And I for one, hate it. 

I think the most common misconception about Will Solace by the fandom is that he is essentially a himbo jock. He thinks with his heart and acts on impulse all while being a rowdy and competitive person. But in reality, the books often specify different. In a short story that was featured in camp half-blood confidential, the ares kids set up a competition among the cabins, of which Will is a participant. This story is viewed through the eyes of a young Ares camper who describes Will Solace as clever and smart and therefore the most likely, out of a competition with Ares kids and Nike kids, was most likely to win. Which should say a lot about him. On top of that, his job demands skills that the fanon perception of him does not display. I.E, medical knowledge, mathematics, herbalism, etc. It simply doesn’t align with what would be reasonable with his character. 

Another common misconception about him is that he is only defined by his relationship with Nico. Every action and every word, everything he does is because of his boyfriend. He’s supposed to be Nico’s #1 supporter and support everything that Nico does. He’s supposed to be his therapists and healer, and crutch and apparently shadow. Every angst fanfiction about Will somehow revolves around Nico in some way. Like every person in the Percy Jackson universe and in real life, he is not just his boyfriend. He is not meant to be defined as Nico’s boyfriend.

I’m going to get a lot of hate for this, but I truly believe that the Sun X Moon and golden retriever x black cat and grumpy x sunshine are overused and boring tropes. Especially when applied to the “golden” partner. And Will is always being characterized as the Sun. It reduces Will to an uninteresting stereotype that gives him no depth whatsoever and erases any problems that he might have. 

Trauma from having to watch his own brothers die and possibly have them die in his arms.

Gone because he’s just an uwu cinnamon roll who couldn’t possibly find that sad or scary or 

Hatred for his father because his father had neglected him his entire life, abandoned him and siblings for him to raise for three years before coming to his camp to take advantage of the resources. 

Nope because Apollo said that he loved his son, and they had like a week to run away from monsters and try not to die together and that fixes everything.

Mental illness or any other health problem?

Uh uh uh, no it wouldn’t make sense for him to have autism or anxiety or BPD or a trauma disorder or anything of the sort because he’s the mentally stable character. He’s the one who’s all sunshine and rainbows. 

You guys are refusing almost to give him any sort of interesting plot line or character development for the sake of him fulfilling a role. He could be one of the most interesting characters and you guys are reducing him into nothing. 

he’s raised his siblings since he was 12, had to take care of an infirmary and more than a hundred other lives than his own. There’s no way he hasn’t had any repressed mental issues in the back of his mind 

AND AND AND. If you were once on the other side of the spectrum from where I am but now you’re like “Ok Maybe you have a point, but like I need head cannons or things from cannon that would make him more well-rounded” or something like that I’ve got you dw. 

1. Doctor who fan

2. Loves the stars and the sky 

3. Autism/trauma disorder

4. For those people who loved to think of Will Solace as a contrast to Nico and love to see him be a good person, consider the plot line that he could be an Anti Villain to Nico’s anti hero.

5. He is a direct parallel to Bianca, I’ve discussed and explained this before so I won’t explain it now. but think how his plot line could be him getting to be free and leave behind all that was dragging him back like how Bianca wanted him to

6. Again with the contrasts with Nico. Will has had to stay and stand with his own problems all of his life because he was trapped in camp, while Nico hasn’t done anything but run from them

7. He could’ve been alienated for his interests or other issues when he was younger

8. Has been used as free healthcare for his entire job and never credited for it so people just think he’s useless but then complain when he can’t be exploited anymore 

9. He has had to bottle up all of his emotions for the sake of his siblings as well as having to do it for the sake of his public image or Nico

10. Anger for the injustice of Halcyon Green. 

10.5. Him having the ability to spread disease, see the future, or bring people back to life or all of the above 

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everyones all “oh lots of autistic ppl are picky eaters thats totally understandable!” until youre a “”food snob”” picky eater instead of a chicken nuggies picky eater

like sorry i love sushi and toast with nutritional yeast and tiramisu when your 5 year old cousin only eats chicken wings w ketchup its almost like autistic ppl arent a monolith 😐

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 #robin understanding nancy when it feels like the rest of the world does not

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*clears throat* get ready for the most ridiculous thing i’ve ever conceptualized

not to get all up in my holly wheeler bullshit again but i’m gonna need you to imagine some kind of chaotic world in which holly in the 1990s watches home alone when her big brother and his boyfriend are home on thanksgiving break 

and then something happens where holly is home alone while everyone is out at work or doing something else and then things… get really strange.

there’s a faceless monster outside her window, and suddenly all the phones are not working, and the lights are super fucked up, and the last time holly remembers seeing anything this insane was when she was really little? and there was that weird wall at will’s home? or the trees were moving that one fourth of july?

but holly’s stuck. she can’t go outside or get a hold of anyone to help her.

so what does holly do?

she pulls a kevin mcallister.

and holly home alones the fuck out of this demogorgon.

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#bisexual representation 💖💜💙

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Wednesday and Eugenes friendship is based in autistic solidarity btw

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when all you can think of is sharing a certain song or writing a song to express your emotions because autism has made it that putting emotions into your own words other than poetically and abstractly nearly impossible

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Had therapy last night via video. Went really well, but in the last 10 minutes I lost speech and could only mutter "I'm done now".

Therapist sent me summary email to help me remember what we spoke about.

Started the email with this:

[Image ID: white text on black background that reads "...remembering when you tire like that). Also, can I just say I feel quite honoured and privileged that you were able to drop your mask when you needed to in front of me and tell me what you needed (to stop talking)." End ID]

This is neurodivergent affirming therapy. ❤️

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Just FYI I am still not normal about the gay pirate show and I doubt if I ever will be.