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FIRST T SHOT!!!!!

Yo that’s right I got my first T shot y’all!

It was super easy (I’m lucky tho). My local pharmacy had the T I needed (reandron), I popped down to the GP like ‘uh, can I have my shot done here please?’ and my doctor said ‘oh sure, let me see if the nurse is free’ and she was (lucky again)! So I went on down the hall, lay on my stomach, and she pulled down my shorts a lil bit and in went the T!

It is a little sore, cos T is a pretty thick and oily substance and therefore they gotta go slow when injecting. But it was over pretty quick, I pulled my pants up and it was done!

I nearly skipped back home I swear. I was internally whooping with joy, and when I got into my street I externally whooped with joy. It was amazing, I was finally on T! After all this time, all this waiting, all this being held back, I was finally on T.

On one hand I couldn’t believe I��d made it, there were days when it felt impossible to make it this far. No matter where you’re at I promise you it will get better. It may take time, it may take years, but it is WORTH IT. Just being able to be the true you, live more freely, it’s an amazing feeling, and one that you CAN and WILL experience.

On the other hand I realised that I would be hitting (the proper, tho T-induced) puberty at the same time as one of my (much) younger brothers and I’d been waiting for these changes for ages.

Overall, my first shot was incredible, and I can’t wait for all the changes it will bring!

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Endocrinologist Appointment No. 2

Three weeks after my previous appointment, I went back to the endo to receive my bloodwork results. (In between I’d also gotten a sweet tattoo but that’s something else).

Going in, I was mistakenly under the impression that my first shot would be given then and there at the endo. What actually happened was that Prof. Zajac went over my bloodwork with me (it was all fine) and then went over all the effects of T (again). Having finally received the approval letter from Dr Erasmus. he printed me out a script for T with 2 repeats/refills. I DID NOT get my shot that day. I was a little disappointed, but after calling my local GP I set up for the next day to have my first shot.

So close yet so far :P

I also set up with the endo receptionist another appointment for me to come back after my third shot to check in on me.

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Endocrinologist Appointment No. 1

From my last appointment with Dr Erasmus, there was about a 2 week wait until my first appointment with the endocrinologist Prof. Zajac.

I was a bit nervous going in, didn’t know what to expect, all I knew was that this was the guy who could prescribe me T.

After a short wait, I went in. He took my height and weight and blood pressure, went over all the affects of T, then sent me down the hall to get some blood taken.

Heads up, there’s a lot of blood to be taken, I’m chill with needles but others aren’t. The blood test was just to ensure there was nothing crazy going on in my bloodwork and that putting T in me wouldn’t cause any problems.

I booked a follow up appointment with the receptionist after my blood was taken to come back and get the results. Should they be all clear, Prof. Zajac would give me my T prescription!

It was all very quick and straightforward, everyone there is very nice so my nervousness wasn’t really necessary.

Walking out of there I was bouncing and exploding with excitement! I called a mate of mine and cited my next endo appointment as my first day on T (which was wrong but see the next entry for that)! I could not stop smiling, T was literal weeks away!

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Dr Erasmus Appointment No. 5

I set up appointment no. 5 so, like with my mum, my dad could come in and ask any questions he might have.

He was a bit like my mum, asking questions to try make sure I ‘really was’ trans. He’d done a bit of research himself and so he cited those studies. Dr Erasmus, again, was super cool-headed and replied citing other, more reliable research as well as his professional experiences. My dad was impressed with the depth of his knowledge and the fact that he didn’t get defensive or angry at dad, which is saying something cos my dad’s pretty hard to impress.

At the end, dad had all his questions answered and he asked for some advice on how to tell his relatives, especially his elderly mother. Dr Erasmus said that using his (dad’s) own experiences he could better explain how to become accepting. It was a lot less emotionally charged than mum’s appointment with Dr Erasmus and I felt a lot better after it.

Some time later, dad and I made a plan to tell all his side of the family (more on that later)

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Dr Erasmus Appointment No. 4

I set up this appointment and invited my mum to come along, with the hopes that she could ask any questions she wanted. I’ll be honest, my hopes were pretty high that seeing a trained psychologist (Dr Erasmus) who confirmed me as a transman would make her finally accept me.

Long story short, she didn’t, which was difficult for me, hence not having written about it or anything since. My sincere apologies.

Basically the whole session was mum asking Dr Erasmus questions and trying to find any avenue she could to ‘prove’ I’m not really trans. It was hurtful to hear, but that’s nothing new from her. Dr Erasmus was very good though, he shot down all of mum’s stupid theories, citing relevant research and his personal professional experience. It was good to have someone on my side in front of her for once, rather than just having her lash into me.

The hardest part was when I brought out coming out to my siblings. I’m the oldest of 6, the youngest two being from my mum’s second marriage. The tricky thing is that my parents are split and I live with my dad, while my siblings spend most of their time at mum’s, spending just every other weekend with dad. Therefore, their views on trans things are heavily (negatively) influenced by my mum.

In the end, Dr Erasmus gave mum what I thought was good advice. ‘Be open about it [me being trans] and don’t treat it like something shameful, because it’s not’.

However, as soon as we stepped outside Dr Erasmus’ building and I asked what we wanted to do re: my siblings she said ‘let’s just not talk about it’.

SERIOUSLY?! That’s the exact opposite of what Dr Erasmus said! Anyway, that was really hurtful, and she’s basically acting like she never spoke to Dr E and still doesn’t ‘believe’ I’m trans.

But Dr Erasmus was really good and level-headed when facing mum transphobia, which was really good for me to see.

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Do! 👀 NOT!! 👀 Double!! 👀 Bind!!!

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Update 13/7/16: Dr Erasmus Appointment No. 3

Last Friday I had my 3rd appointment with Dr Jaco Erasmus (yes I know this write-up is late). This time we spoke mainly of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) which in my case would be the hormone testosterone (T). Dr Erasmus took me through all the permanent changes, and those that would revert should I stop taking T (I’ll list them below). He then told me of some health issues that may arise, none of which were very dangerous or very likely (also below). Dr Erasmus then recommended a particular endocrinologist and emailed me his details, psychologically clearing me for HRT. Once Dr Erasmus has written up a report on me, I can then go to said endo with the report and START T!

To hear that I would be able to start T soon was very exciting and also a relief. I’ve been trying for years to get to this point with my family holding me back. There’s still some time to wait, hopefully Dr Erasmus won’t take more than 2 weeks to write the report, and then there will likely be a month or so wait for an appointment at the endocrinologist. But really, that’s not too long to wait! I’m pretty excited to start T and to feel more confident in myself.

If you have any questions on this or anything else I’ve written, feel free to ask!

 Permanent Changes: -facial hair (it may thin once off T but it will still be there and noticeable) -male pattern baldness (once your hair is gone, it ain’t gonna grow back there) -voice drop (once it’s dropped, it’s dropped) -infertility (while some people experience periods again after being on T, depending on how long you were on, it’s not guaranteed you’ll get them again or be able to make kids that way) -clitoral enlargement (it usually doesn’t grow that much, but it won’t shrink much either)

Non-permanent Changes: -fat redistribution, often giving a more masculine shape -body hair -sweat smell change -small decrease in chest tissue -increased sex drive -increased muscle mass/strength, particularly in upper body -skin oiliness and acne

Possible Health Concerns: -men have higher chances of heart-related issues in general, so taking T will join you to that club. One specific way is with the increase in red blood cells that does happen on T, too much of them can thicken the blood and increase risk of heart disease. There is a FAIRLY LOW risk of this happening -weight gain. With fat redistribution and such, lots of guys put on weight when they start T. That’s ok as long as you get a handle on it. Exercise is your friend. There is a FAIR risk of this happening -T decreases good cholesterol and has variable effects on bad cholesterol. Unless you already have bad cholesterol or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, this isn’t much of a bother. There is a LOW risk of this happening -your liver may not cope with T, causing it to hurt and HRT to be stopped. There is a VERY LOW risk of this happening -if you already have a condition that includes hypomania, mania or psychosis, high doses of T may increase such episodes. There is a LOW risk of this happening -T may increase blood pressure, leading to hypertension in those who also experience weight gain, a family history of hypertension or polycystic ovarian syndrome. There is a NEGLIGABLE risk of this happening -T may increase risk of type 2 diabetes in those who experience weight gain, a family history of hypertension or polycystic ovarian syndrome. There is a NEGLIGABLE risk of this happening -T may increase risk of abnormal Pap smear, but does not increase risk of cervical cancer. T may increase risk of ovarian and endometrial (uterine) cancer, though evidence to this affect is LIMITED

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Using the Men's Bathroom

Using a bathroom that makes you comfortable has been a tricky thing to manage for many trans people. I am no different. Do I go in the bathroom that affirms my gender? What if I don't pass? Or do I go into a bathroom that doesn't affirm my gender and feel shit about myself? For a long time my solution was just to not go to the loo in any public place. At all. If I really really had to, then I would use the disabled bathroom, which is technically the wrong thing to do as I am not a disabled person. Before this week, I had sort of been working myself up to use the men's room. I'd use the boys loo at school after hours, use the men's single stall at small parks and such. But this week, I did it. I finally did it! I used the men's room, and it was actually one of the most chill experiences of my life. I was super busting to go and felt like I was gonna shit myself, in the literal sense. As such, I was walking v fast towards the loos at a shopping centre. My plan A was to use the disabled rooms, like usual, but I noticed a woman walking behind me. I felt I couldn't use the disabled rooms because she could see I clearly wasn't disabled myself. So down the corridor I continued. The lady's was on the right and the men's, dead ahead. I'm still walking very fast at this point cos I REALLY need to go. All I can think is 'I'm not going in the lady's' and boom, I've walked into the men's. Luckily there were a bunch of stalls, one of which was empty. So far, no dramas. And that's how it stayed! A guy in another stall even answered his phone while I was in there! When I was done, I walked past the urinal, washed my hands and walked out feeling proud. My advice to any transguys out there worrying about using the men's room: it's totally understandable to be nervous. But really, all you have to do is walk right where you wanna go, do your business and walk out. No one cares who you are, we just want to pee! Everyone else is focussed on just doing their business and leaving, no one will be staring at you wondering about your gender. You can do it!

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Dr Erasmus Appointment No. 2

Today was my second appointment with Dr Erasmus at his private practice in the city. This time he asked me about myself outside my gender, like how I did at school, how I got on with my family and what things I am proud of. It was a much shorter sessions but I was happy that he was trying to get a whole picture of me rather than just my gender. I am more than my gender, and so is everyone else, cis, trans or otherwise. At the end of the appointment he said he'd send me some info on the pros and cons of medical transition. This included the psychological and social aspects, not just physical, which are very important. He also sent some questionnaires. He told me while I was there that the questionnaires are a bit dated and binary (not an issue for me as my gender is pretty binary) and assured me that if there were any questions I was uncomfortable answering that I didn't have to and we would discuss them next session. This was good to hear as it relieved any pressure I could've felt to answer everything. Next session (1 month away) we will also talk more about hormones and where to go from here to start HRT. Over all I'm happy with my experience and I'm optimistic about the future.

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Because I wore a blazer all through the last 2 3/4 years of school, and it can get to 40 degrees Celsius in the summer, I now don't feel the heat as much. So dad will be like 'it's so hot in here!!' And I'll be sitting there with two jumpers on -_-

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omg

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it’s okay to have days where you cry six times. it’s okay to have days where you can’t even leave your bed. It’s okay to have days where you feel unsure. it’s okay to have days where you need a little reassurance. it’s okay to want that. it’s okay to have days where nothing is wrong but it feels like everything is. it’s okay to have bad days. you are still a good person to me on your bad days.

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i maintain that there are, in fact, four different kinds of pizza

bad bad pizza

good bad pizza

bad good pizza

and good good pizza

and i don’t care how artisanal your crust is, i will take good bad pizza over bad good pizza any day

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Today I failed my Ps drivers test. In itself this isn't a big deal, I can always try again but when I got home after I found myself pretty upset. Why? Well my Ps license, the little card you get with your name and photo, would've been my first proper form of ID with my chosen name on it. I don't look 18, my genes and chromosomes are stacked against me, but this ID would've proved it and allowed me access to bars and stuff. I don't feel comfortable showing my current ID, cos it's in my old name and I guess I was just really looking forward to having some proper accurate ID. Anyway, I'll try again soon I expect, just hope I pass this time.

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Update 24/5/16: Dr Erasmus Appointment No.1

Ok so I’m just gonna answer the questions I said I’d answer re: my appointment to keep this nice and simple.

How was I greeted when I entered the facility? The receptionist greeted me by name (Logan) and introduced himself. He was nice, asked me to sit while I waited for Dr Erasmus and that he wouldn’t be long.

How did Dr Erasmus greet me? He greeted me by name also and shook my hand then lead me into his office were the appointment was held.

What kind of questions did he ask? (family, past, school, friends, work etc) He asked about my past and my experience of gender, how I identified, who I was out to. He also asked about my body image and so much more that I have forgotten. It was largely focussed on my experience with my gender.

What questions did you ask and what response did you get? (T, surgery) It came up in discussion that I want T and surgery. He said that after the four appointments he can write me a prescription for T if I’m ready for it, he can help me get HRT. He said we’d talk more later about pros and cons of T and surgery just to make sure I’m all up to scratch and can give fully informed consent. He pointed out that I should get private health insurance with v high medical cover for surgery. Also, he said no one does any kind of bottom surgery in Australia so I should try accept that I may never get it, it’s expensive plus travel and accommodation fees so hella lots of money for that. That was a bit hard to hear but reasonable.

Where to from here? He gave me a basic outline of what to expect; next appointment will be focussed on getting to know me outside my gender, third one I forgot what he said??? sorry. Fourth and final one will be wrapping it up and he writes his report.

Anything else? I felt really comfortable while I was there, even tho he was asking tonnes of questions I didn’t feel pressured or like I was being interrogated. I left feeling good, if quite emotionally drained, and happy knowing where I’m headed.

My next appointment is in 2 weeks, I’ll have another update then.

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So yesterday I was super pumped cos my name change certificate came in the mail. However, I have told no one in my family, except a single cousin. This is because my close family don't accept me and they get this annoyed/disappointed/disgusted look in their eyes whenever I tell them about something affirming... Obviously they'll find out at some point but I'm just avoiding that point for as long as possible.

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That last post was me but I reblogged it from my main tumblr cos I'm lazy and didn't want to rewrite it 👍🏽👍🏽