lolabunnz-4-blog

[lolabunnz-4-blog]

First Born Loss

I heard that writing about what I’m feeling will help so here it goes....

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a mom. May sound stupid to some but that’s what I want(ed) I have a very close relationship to my own mother and I always wanted to have that relationship with my own child(ren). 

I met my husband at 18 and have been together for 9 years now (married for 5 years). We did in the words of my MIL “everything right”. Dated for a while, moved in together, moved away together, got married. Kids should be next on the list right? Well in August 2018 we got pregnant and something was wrong with that baby so it ended in a 10 week miscarriage, we grieved but knew that we wanted to continue our journey. In December of 2018 we got pregnant again, the pregnancy was A M A Z I N G; no morning sickness, no soreness, had a bit of swelling that started concerning me but was told it was “normal” and “nothing to worry about”. 

Overall I will say that I had a perfect pregnancy. 

Being a first time mom I was worried about everything.

If my steaks/burgers were cooked fully, how much caffeine I was drinking and making sure that it was under 200 mg, watching my salt intake, making sure the sushi I ate was cooked and never raw, everything I put into my body or considered putting into my body I triple checked to make sure I wasn’t going to cause harm. Towards the end of my second trimester I went on vacation to Mexico with my in laws, I was worried x 3 the entire time although my doctor said I would be fine. I drank regular coffee while I was there and felt SO guilty about it, that I was worried that I harmed my daughter in some way but she was still the happy and active baby that I grew to love immensely. 

We had a baby shower/gender reveal while we were in our hometown. The amount of love I felt that day was amazing, we got so many gift cards, clothes, diapers everyone was anticipating the arrival of our daughter. We decided to name her Stella Ann. After our moms. 

When we got back home everything went back to normal husband went back to work, nesting kicked in full force, we started setting up for our baby girl.

My swelling started to worry me, I couldn’t feel my knees because my legs were so swollen. Everyone was telling me it was normal, elevate my feet, drink water, watch out for your salt. So I did. 

Went in for a routine doctors appointment at  35 weeks and 5 days, blood pressure was slightly elevated at 140/80 when it was normally 120s/80s. Doctor ordered labs and a 24 hr urine test to be turned in the next day, which I did anything my doctor asked me to do I did. I was growing a life inside of me that was (is) so precious to me and I didn’t want to do anything to hurt her. 

I really regret not asking to see my Stella in an ultrasound that day, I keep thinking that if maybe I had asked for it, we could of saved her. Even if the ultrasound showed nothing alarming and what ended up happening still happened I would be able to sleep a little better at night. 

The next day I got intense cramps, I thought they were braxton hicks so I thought nothing of them until they wouldn’t go away. *rewind a little* I got these little pains before but they would go away when I got into a warm bath. Called husband who was working 30 mins away to tell him what was happening. 

so I get into a bath hoping they would go away but still pain, I called my doctor’s office and his nurse told me, he wasn’t in the office because he was in surgery and asked if I could wait until he was done, which I said “Yes, I think so” 

The pains still weren’t going away and I felt the intense urge to push, I sat down on the toilet and blood came out, frantic I called the nurse and told her what was happening, she said I needed to get to the hospital ASAP, called husband and he came home as soon as he could. 

Once in the hospital the nurses checked and said our daughter’s heart rate was slow and we needed to get her out fast. Everything gets dark and I wake up, to be told my daughter that I so very much wanted, loved, protected, preyed for was dead. 

27 years old and my first born child was dead at 33 weeks. 

They let us spend 3 days with her, parenting her but we left without our daughter in our arms. 

It wasn’t until the day after she died that I learned what happened to her. I had severe preeclampsia that was yet to be diagnosed, the tests that my doctor ordered was to see if I was developing pre-e. The results came too late.

He had no idea it was going to progress that fast. From the bottom of my heart I believe that he and his team did everything they could to save Stella. 

It’s been two months since that day, I grapple between anger, sadness, gratefulness that we were pregnant, hopefulness we will bring a living child home, envy of moms that were able to bring their children home, envy of pregnant women, fear that this will happen again. 

Yesterday was our anniversary and while I was happy that my husband is still here by my side and we are going to grow old together, I am sad. I am sad that our children are not here to enjoy this with us. I am sad that I haven’t been able to give him children yet. I am sad that I keep thinking that he deserves better than me and better than what has become his life. I am sad that our home is quiet. I am sad that my life has now become one huge question mark. 

I turn 28 in a week and have never been sadder. I want my daughter. 

I keep hoping that this was all a nightmare and I will wake up from the emergency surgery with my live daughter in my arms. I know that it wasn’t a dream though this is my life now and nothing I can do will change that. 

Here’s to hoping that we can bring a living child home. 

We love you and miss you Stella Ann