longcoatmaxfannn

[longcoatmaxfannn]

i want to leave disputes. more than half the time we're arguing about some meaningless, trifling idiotic thing and the work doesn't feel fulfilling. so what if we win a case? what value am i really adding to this world? the work is not even enjoyable. i hate this job.

[longcoatmaxfannn]

with colleagues: it helps to exude the vibe that you've got everything under control (even if you don't). you want to inspire confidence so that people feel they can rely on you (opposite of colin).

Snacking makes you feel nauseous and tired.

[longcoatmaxfannn]

I’ve been quite productive this morning. I slept at 12.25am, woke up at 9am (snoozed twice). Got ready, guasha, hair & make up in 1h before leaving house. Had vitamin D, propolis. Read otw to work.

Left to buy lunch at 1.35pm.

The day is shorter when you have lunch at 2pm and finish at 3pm. Then after 3-3.5h, you can go home to continue!

[longcoatmaxfannn]

I did about 50 mins of productive me-time tonight after 1h of doomscrolling. I had a headache, felt lethargic and shitty. Then I decided to wash the dishes. Boil some water. Pack my work bag. Put out my work clothes. And I gta tell ya, it worked like a charm. I feel 10x better now than I did 50 mins ago. It would be nice if this could be a nightly routine.

I also worked until 2.45am the other night, tried to go directly to bed, which caused looping thoughts as I tried to sleep. Wind down routine is impt. At least 20 min of reading.

[longcoatmaxfannn]

i work best when continuing a substantive task as soon as i wake up in the morning.

- and - I don’t think I like being a lawyer. Most of my job is boring. There are small bits of fun, and times where I can flow - but I don’t think it’s great fun. Quarrelling with people isn’t as much fun as I thought it’d be.

[longcoatmaxfannn]

drinking so much on Sun night was a mistake. on Mon i typed in the office: my brain feels like it's moving very slowly today. i also think it's making me feel more anxious than i normally would. i think i am terrified of failure. whenever i'm not sure what the right answer is, i hesitate and take very long to take action. the anxiety sometimes overwhelms me and makes me feel like it's difficult to move. i am trying to remember that melvin said it's ok to be hit, rather than to always stick to a safe guard, and that that's how we learn how to do better.

[longcoatmaxfannn]

[longcoatmaxfannn]

My relationship with my mother

I hate her

I cant stand all she stands for, her values are so warped, and I hate how I’m a reflection of her, I hate how she’s made me, I hate myself. I hate how she body-shames, I hate how much value she places on how people see her as opposed to how she actually feels, I hate how weak she is, I hate how critical of other people she is. MOST OF ALL, I hate how much alike her I’ve become.

I cant talk to her about work. I cant talk to her about my relationships. I cant be honest with her, I cant trust her judgment, and cannot trust it not to cloud mine.

I hate how she views my dad. I hate the unrealistic filter through which she views herself as some martyr.

And yet I cant separate this from my love for her, from the woman who instilled in me my love for books, reading, love.

Emotions. She doesn’t have any control over them. She triangulated so hard, and yes, I hate her for that too. She shouldn’t have shared every detail of her fights with my dad with me, she shouldn’t have tried to ‘get me on her side’. For fuck’s sake, I was 7, I didn’t know any better. She shouldn’t have taken my bracelets and dug her nails into my skin and slapped me and pushed me out of the house. She should have been a better mother. And for all her preaching about kindness, patience and gentleness, she shouldn’t be such a fucking hypocrite.

It is what it is though – I get that. I’m born with one mother and I cant change that – can’t change her, it seems. It could be worse. I could have my grandmother for a mother. I could have no mother.

One day I will have no mother. Sometimes I think whether it makes me a sociopath that when I’m angry with her sometimes, I think I wouldn’t mind if she’s dead. Does that make me cold blooded?

I hate that I get so angry with her. I hate that I never know when to be nice and when to be mad. I hate that I cant be nice without being scared that she’s going to trample all over it.

And so what if she does? I’m grown now. I could move out if I wanted to. She has no more (or so little) power over me, and she knows it. I could tolerate it, tolerate her, try to love her for all the things she’s done right instead of hating her for all the things she’s done wrong, for these last decades of her life. Being angry is so tiring. Gives you wrinkles, and makes you feel dead / kind of worthless inside.

I know who I want to be. I know that I want to be almost completely unlike my mother; I want to be brave, be strong, live up to my potential. I want to have the courage to put myself in the uncomfortable and anxiety-inducing situations, I want to find a love that lasts a lifetime and a partner who will not disparage me, I want to love and value myself.

But for all the ways that she’s made me bad, she’s also made me good. I want to be soft and fun like her, I want to laugh like her sometimes (cackle). And be as good as she is with words and literature, and as sharp with analyses those random times.

If I adopt the stoic philosophy, I’d understand that I should accept what I cant change (who she is, and that she is my mother), and work on what I can (my own attitude towards her, that I can tolerate her words but not their contents / her beliefs), and that the time I have left with her in this world is so limited, I may one day regret not treasuring it better.

Maybe I ought to forgive her. Maybe that will let me forgive myself. Maybe that’s the best and healthiest way forward. Maybe I ought to try harder. To accept that she was brought up by her own mother, and that must have been hellishly shitty in its own way. That she was made by her mother and she tried to be better, and she made me.

[longcoatmaxfannn]

It was all in all a painful weekend.

It had been a hard, stressful week, and L had been in reservist the entire time. That somehow made missing him all the harder - it's different knowing that I couldn't even see him if I wanted. I was doing my best to power through it, and through the sore throat and foggy brain that started plaguing me Tues morning. Despite feeling unwell, I convinced myself that I needed to go to the office to get any work done on Thurs, and spent the whole day working in the aircon, coughing in my room. Tested c+ after I got home from work - cue a round of face palms - and suddenly understood all my symptoms. Felt really bad for being socially unaware / inconsiderate, and endangering S and K. Cried when I realised that probably meant I wouldn't get to see L this weekend.

Sat was fighting boredom, sitting isolated in my room, in front of my screen, all hours of the day. I tried to turn it into a game of doing things which I could only do alone (painting, league), but somehow even that felt forced as I didn't really have the energy. Felt unreasonably angry at L for having a good time without me - thank GOD I didn't get upset with him for it. Future Tammie thanks past Tammie for sticking to this. Please may future future Tammie be able to continue.

Somehow though, things pulled through. Tested c- on Sunday, and so L drove over just to spend 4h w me bef driving home for fam dinner. Which I shouldn't ask him to skip. Him wanting to go to these is part of what makes him him, the person I love so dearly.

Sent him to camp at night aft his fam dinner. Was happy to be able to do so and help him with some SIM card problems. Want to function as a team, and be able to help each other through life's challenges.

I must remember to dig deep into my core, esp during hard times. The stoics say that character is what truly makes a person.

[longcoatmaxfannn]

November.

[longcoatmaxfannn]

[longcoatmaxfannn]

Larval Blenny with a damaged fin

[longcoatmaxfannn]

[longcoatmaxfannn]

NO JUDGMENT

to everyone who has struggled with addiction who has needed the haze at the end of a stressful day or in the middle of a hard week or at the start of a long year who has lived for a couple of hours and forsaken the rest of the day to be that happy, to be that high i understand you, and more than that i understand how it feels to rely on something inherently unreliable life's tough and you only have so many years so why not spend some hours happy? this helps, this helps you rely on yourself this helps you feel okay alone this helps you feel less afraid of the nights this helps you enjoy the nights

unmade bed no. 28

[longcoatmaxfannn]

[longcoatmaxfannn]

taken by me

[longcoatmaxfannn]

i hate how i have to be drunk to use the things i used to love

art, like painting, and old music

‘how you spend your days is how you spend your life’ they say; and i’m working everyday, a cog in the machine, i miss reading and writing and being carefree