looaadding-blog

[looaadding-blog]

Fuck

So sometimes I think about the way the world is and I feel sad but not because the usual stuff yeah there’s crime and horrible things happen every day but I feel sad because I see the potential that people waste the opportunities that they have and they just throw away makes me feel sad. I just had so many aspirations when I was younger I felt like everybody else felt the same way I did and that everybody else wanted to same things that I did. Now I’m 23 and I feel so unaccomplished I don’t know why because a lot of people say I am accomplished. But then I see other people‘s accomplishments and I have this feeling in my stomach that I’ve wasted so much time feeling sorry for myself letting myself become the person that I never wanted to be. So i’m sad, I’m sad because I watch people waste their talents even if they think they dont have any and I’m sad for myself, upset that I spent so much of my time thinking about all the things that I never did the things that I never had the things that I was never going to be instead of looking at everything that I already had. I spent all of High school hoping that I would turn out to be this person that i thought i needed to be and set impossible goals for myself. Now I’m 23 and I know a lot of people say that my life is just starting but I can’t shake off this feeling that it’s not just starting I feel like I’ve wasted that opportunity and it’s just gone now and and I’m just kind of left here. And how I’ve been presented with an opportunity to be the person that everybody wanted me to be that I thought I wanted to be but I don’t know anymore because I don’t have that kind of faith in me anymore I did for the first few days but I went right back to where I was, back to my old habits back to eating and eating and eating and eating everything in sight. And now I feel like I’m secretly disappointing everybody and I feel like they know but they don’t say anythin because they don’t want to discourage me in case I am doing everything right but I’m not I’m afraid that there’s no fix for me at all I’m afraid that I just missed my shot at a good life and I know it seems stupid and dramatic but I really feel that way I just kind of feel like I’m just meant to be here to fill other people’s lives with encouragement and love and advice but it’s not enough for me it’s never been enough for me and I just feel like the biggest fear I ever had was that I would not matter that I would not be appreciated in the way that I wanted to be and it’s my fault you know I had friends who i pushed away even if I think I didn’t I do that because I’m just not happy just afraid. I dont know what this is maybe some kind of speech for anyone out there, care about yourself It matters that you care it really does because I still care I’m sad because I never met my true potential like everybody else.