looking-for-my-own-north-star

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

Stop thinking so hard about everything, stop over analyzing. Just go. Just do. If it feels right, just go with the flow. If it feels wrong, don’t think about it anymore and walk away.

things I’m still learning, kg. (via copyr1ghts)

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

Here I am, back on my abandoned blog for the first time in ages.

I don't know why I've come back, because sometimes it is best to let sleeping memories rest.  I'm feeling...sad.  My depression is coming back to me.  I just need a break.

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

so, i havent been on here in a while because things were going reasonably well in my life, so i went back to my happy times fandom tumblr

but recently, things have changed

a friend who i loved and cherished and cared for decided to leave me for good.

he said that he thought i was done with him. he loved me and he let me go because we both knew we would never work out.  i took that to mean we could be friends. i allowed him some space to think and he did the same for me, and i was having problems one night and there was nobody there for me to talk to, so i decided to text him and maybe he would help me.

instead of comfort like i had been looking for, he told me that he thought it best if he left me for good. forever. to drop all communication and be done with eachother.

this is coming from the guy who has been abandoned his whole life, who was terrified of me leaving him like everyone else did.

he decided to leave me

he told me that we both knew he was poison. he said he knew i didnt want to deal with him anymore. i asked if he meant forever, and he said you can choose to make me stay or you can make me leave and that will be it. 

at this time, i had to move to the bathroom.  my sister was sleeping in my room with me, and i was sobbing.  i didnt want to wake her up. i was curled up in a corner, clutching my phone, wishing i could scream to him DON'T YOU LEAVE ME. DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING LEAVE. but i knew it would be no good. 

oh, i could have easily made him stay.  i knew his weaknesses, i knew what he would do for me.  he would have done anything in the world for me if i just asked. i could break his heart in mere seconds with just a few words. i could make him smile just as easily.

and i thought i knew him. i thought i knew what he was capable of, being a genious and highly adept at psychology.  but i didn't know that it was physically possible for him to be able to knowingly hurt me. he loved me, and all he ever wanted to do was keep me with him, to protect me and talk to me and trust me as much as he knew how.

he has no fucking idea how much those words hurt me.

"I've decided to leave you"

i dont know if anything has ever hurt as much as that did.

and....

i just......

let him leave.

was i wrong?

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

due to low self esteem if someone is hitting on me i probably wouldn’t even be able to tell unless they directly said “i love you and want to date you” and even then i would be a little skeptical

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

i feel so drained

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

omg its back XD

omg what if we named animals after the sound they make like in pokemon

“take the bark for a walk”

“hey could you feed the meows”

“hey look at all those moos”

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

literally this like wow can i marry this post 

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

From Where You Are - Lifehouse

So far away from where you are

I'm standing underneath the stars

and I wish you were here

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

[looking-for-my-own-north-star]

Synthetica by Metric was a successful album choice

I would definitely recommend it as a fantastic listen, every song on it is wonderful