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[lost-ghoost]

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“How much pain do you have to bear to take the step and kill yourself? How much pain, how much suffering?”

—

[lost-ghoost]

I had balanced life recently (well i tried) i started going on my documents started studying better i guess sleeping and little gaming and housework it made me kinda tired but you know thats what life is all about i tried to be better im trying to live but dreams are haunting me the classmates are still in my head getting by weird moments its like a reminder that i am shit

You are shit piece of crap why you feel better about yourself go die fucking end it all none would even care you would be better in ground dead everyone would feel better fucking useless piece of crap shit shit shit you are nothing more than a shit fking end it just die

Death is so near yet so far it wont take me or leave me alone

Why am i even writing it here tumblr tumblr?! So what that im doing this why am i even doing this it has no use

Am i tunblr to you i want to die someone help me i need to die i dont want to live anymore this is shit

I am shit

Theres no leaving or escaping

I was born shit and i am a shit

Im leaving tumblr i wont write anything anymore here

This is just to go back into memories thats all bye bye...

[lost-ghoost]

დავიღალე

[lost-ghoost]

I like how we call anorexia short for ana

Its like a friends name ana ana ana

Which im lacking of

And when im going back to her even doe i shouldnt its comforting to say im back to ana again

Now im thinking do i want to throw up because of intense work out or that im hungry

[lost-ghoost]

გულს სტკივა, თუმცა იმედი აქვს რომ უკეთესი დღეები დადგება.

ასეთი იმედიანი არასდროს ყოფილა ჩემი გაფუჭებული გული.

რაღაც კარგს გრძნობს? რაღაც კარგს მოელის? რაც არ უნდა მოხდეს მყარად დგას, ტკივილები? ცოტას თუ დაარტყავს ხოლმე აქა, იქა.

ნუთუ... გაუმჯობესდება?

ნუთუ... გამოკეთდება?

ნუთუ... გაჩერდება?

Heart is hurting, but it hopes that better days will come.

My fked heart has never been this hopeful.

Does it feel something good? Is waiting for something good? Whatever happens it stands strong, hurtings? Little, sometimes hits here and there.

As if... got better?

As if... it will heal?

As if... it will stop?

[lost-ghoost]

Past is haunting me

I keep having dreams about my ex bestie its not about our past this time we make new memeories in places where i have deep connections where i know ill never get there and in the last dream i told him: couldnt this be real? Did i ask for much? This is all i ever wanted this is what i asked us to hang out and be together you were the person i trusted 100% and you left me...

It was like a glitch in matrix i cant control my dreams and after that we continued having fun...

Now my ginger is checking my posts in social media i went and i stalked her why gosh why i did it... it felt like my stomach has fallen and my heart got swollen i hate it i hate this feeling shes hanging out with my friends that i met her and now? This jealousy envy hurts... shes better that has replaced me... and i knew that would happen i knew she was doing it or am i just crazy drowning in my own crazy? I tried to keep everything strong i got my shit together i started working out and dieting studying as well im trying to get better but those things brake me idk how ill be tomorrow i hope everything will be back to my strong self and i wont brake i shouldnt have done that im scared to go back to sleep i dont want to see dreams...

P.s: its ironic, i have playlist for my sad music and when im sad i shuffle it and this song came first dream is destiny...

[lost-ghoost]

romeo & juliet // hobo johnson

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Tonight is the night i die

My heart hurts even worse now i feel weak

I think tonight ill sleep and never wake up

I had nightmare that i died and i couldnt find my song that i was gonna listen before death (teen suicide xxxxxxx) 7 x

3 x in front 3 x in the end and dont forget about one in middle i just couldnt find it anywhere as if it disappeared with me as i was dying there was a lot of teen suicide's songs but not that one and i just closed eyes gave up completely as i was waiting death to pick me up in its arms

If i die tonight i wont care sooner better

I am too tired i dont even care about my wishlist or anything

But i know ill put my song before sleeping on repeat

I hope death has red hair

,,i could die in your red hair"

[lost-ghoost]

Art by Ivan Nikulin

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- Cinema Paradiso (1988)

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Promise for the last love

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I feel empty,

I feel lost,

Nothing good

Has been going on.

My heart is aching

Soul screaming

Feelings, leaving

Minds killing

Save me!

Save me !

Please get me,

Or im taking my life.

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corona virus says not to touch my face but anxiety wont allow it

i only wear black but pink goes well on me i imagine all those colorfull clothes that would look perfect with each other all those styles all the clothes i could buy but they didnt had black dont get me wrong its beautiful color almost perfect but not being able to wear any other color eats me sometimes... anxiety is getting worse eevyrthing is worse im slowly deciding to end it all my bf will get it i know it.. teary eyes are not letting me to write normally so excuse me if theres a lot of mistakes i cant handle my familys toxic ;ifestyle and life fucking me so hard i know life is not for me already its time to stop let me breath a little will ya?  Nous étions formidables right? 

[lost-ghoost]

I hit rock bottom

,,i dont really believe in rock bottoms theres always deeper and rockier bottom" -bokack horseman

Anyway i have given up fully i have never been this down at least i never did this before its new its so new

I told myself before coming here they everything would be better i would take steps everything would be nice but god damn i was wrong i want to throw up because im only eating junk food im eating chips sweets and coca cola nothing else i feel disgusting... i got no from at least 60jobs you know theres one dude he said that he got no's a lot from jobs or from women and he got used to it and he wasnt afraid of nos anymore and i thought same that i would get rejects like nothing but it hits harder and harder every god damn time im rejected

Studies? Its horrible i stopped going there i know ill fail so whats the point right? I just dont know i can hear tate again my body is disgusting and im crying a lot

I look like a junkie eyes dark face fked up caz of acne i destroyed my face and body hair a mess i wish i ised drugs to run from this world and when i would hit rock bottom someone would help me but this isnt something special to be warned about...

When will it get better?

Just when