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Christmas in February

Anyone that knows me knows I am a complete Christmas crazy! I have bought my first two Christmas presents today! I always get my daughters presents sorted first, if no one else gets anything for financial reasons then at least she is going to be happy at the most magical time of the year. Everyone else will understand! I buy for moo, Mum, Dad, brother and his girlfriend, my partner, then the best friends 3 kids, I also like to buy for one of my other friends 2. I don't go mad (on everyone but my monster! This year I'm trying to not go as crazy) but like to get them something! I also become a fairy godmother at Christmas, through an organised group I buy for a child that would otherwise not get a Christmas present. If I can give just a little bit of happiness to another child at Christmas then I will. This year I am behind! Many may laugh at me for that but I have normally pretty much finished my daughter and the other kids! This year I have only just bought the first two gifts. I have been really struggling to think of anything that she hasn't already got. I am buying my daughter an iPad this year and my mum is purchasing some interactive games called Osmo. Planning needs to be done big time for what I need to buy/order. I normally do things all throughout December to make it special. This year we are going to Lapland so it will be extra special!! Much love Xxx

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All Happy!

I have had the best few days, I have been spoilt rotten! I have been around the best people and have not smiled and laughed as much in a long time. My friends are incredible My family have done everything they can to make my birthday special. Monster has been an angel and loved spoiling her mummy. My boyfriend has been the most supportive, amazing and loving man I could ever have wished for. I have no idea how I got so lucky to have him in my life. I am the happiest that I have ever been at the moment. Feel the most settled and relaxed. Much love Xxx

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My birthday

It’s my birthday! I feel old! 28 today… For years I haven’t done anything special for my birthday, haven’t looked forward to it and just haven’t been bothered by it. This year though has been different. I’ve been looking forward to it for a while!

Me and the man and the best friend and her man went to London for the weekend, amazing steak, evening in the bar listening to the Jazz man, days out in London. Was lovely. Haven’t been out and celebrated in years! Plus I was childfree which was a bonus!

This morning I was woken up by the monster as usual, my amazing man took her downstairs leaving me in bed.

They bought me breakfast in bed, decorated the living room with banners and balloons and bought me cards and presents!

Monster got me some long necklaces which I have wanted for a while and my man got some photographs professionally framed. These pictures I had done when moo was two days old… almost 5 years ago… and I have never once had them up! They look beautiful, nearly cried I just love them. Such an amazing present, he had picked the frames and backings they look amazing.

The mister took moo out for a bit and came back with chocolate cake with strawberries on top from patisserie Valerie. Looks amazing, he has picked the sponge flavours, creams, toppings! Everything he’s done has made me smile, made Moo happy. I am the luckiest girl today.

I have promised that monster can stay up late tonight and we are having Chinese for dinner.

I’m so unbelievably happy!!

Much love Xxx

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Bedtime update!

I have had 4 nights in a row of monster going to bed nicely! Slightly later bedtime and me doing everything I can to tire her out before hand, chat with mummy after story time and me trying to stay as calm as possible yet being firm is working a treat! I'm so impressed and very happy with how she is doing. Long may it continue!! Happy mumma! Much love Xxx

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Bedtime again

We had sat and had cuddles, talked about her day. Had stories and spent time just me and her. Then everything went wrong. I said it was time to sleep. I went downstairs and it all went horribly. Crying. Shouting. Wanting everything under the sun. I I went upstairs and sat with her asked her was wrong, asked her if she was sad, if everything was ok at school. She couldn't tell me what was wrong. She wasn't sad and all was fine at school. She couldn't tell me why she wasn't well behaved for her mummy. I explained that she was making mummy sad when she was like this and that she gets herself into a really mess. I explained what would happen if she continued to be naughty at bedtime. She seemed to understand and said she would be good. Tonight I'm trying a later bedtime, cereal or something before sleeping and then longer time with mummy upstairs. Fingers crossed this fixes it and we have a happy girl and happy mummy at bedtime! Wish me luck Much love Xxx

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Why is bedtime so hard?

Why is it so difficult in my house. She was a really good girl at bedtime until her dad did what he did and left. I have never got bedtime back down. For a while I let her sleep in my bed after her dad left because it was a comfort for me and her. I now regret it. Most nights, probably 4/7 in a week, I end up going up and down the stairs anywhere between 2-5 times a night to get her to sleep. She will shout me constantly. Wants a drink she hasn't got, food, toilet, or she just wants me. She sounds like she is crying but she's forgotten to kick out the tears. It doesn't matter how much she calls or what she says she gets to me every time. It upsets me. She's laying in bed now just calling me saying "I want you mummy", "don't leave me mummy". Today I'm not sure if I'm being strong or just completely fed up with the situation that I'm sat on the sofa listening. I hate hearing her get upset but I don't know how else to get her to sleep on her own without me going up and down. Yesterday she went straight to sleep but today is different and she's decided to fight me. I have tried star charts etc, sitting chatting in bed for some quality time, no tv before bed, everything but nothing is consistent. Please say this will get better! Roll on her being a teenager so I can turf her out of bed at 5:30/6am because I want to! I will get my own back!! Wish me luck please!! Much love Xxx

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Feel so silly tonight

I really do feel stupid tonight. I am missing my man so so much. After the most amazing weekend and spending last night with him I really wish he was with me now. I'm sure he is enjoying the peace of being at home and not having my little monster jumping on him in the morning is quite appealing but it makes me feel complete when he is here with us. Miss you baby Much love Xxx

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The most amazing weekend

I don’t even know where to start explaining the last two days!

I have had the most incredible weekend with my man.

Got the train to London, went to the London Transport museum (using 2 for 1 vouchers) and walked round looking at all the old buses, trains, taxis, horse pulled coaches, was fascinating. Had a mooch round the shop. I really enjoyed it, read about the history of the underground and the buses. Never realised how interesting it was! Definitely somewhere I would take Elissa to, especially as the ticket is valid for one year and she doesn’t pay for entry anyway!

Went for dinner at Inamo, Pan Asian restaurant in Covent Garden. The restaurant is all interactive. You order all food and drink through a tablet as and when you want it, request a waiter etc.

The food was amazing, pricey (it’s London!) but it was really good. Plus I managed to eat most the meal with chop sticks for the first time ever! The only thing that I didn’t like (but you are warned about) is that you are likely to end up table sharing. We ended up sharing with the loudest most obnoxious couple in the place!

On the tables whilst you wait you have a clicker and you can draw interactively or play games against each other. It was good fun! We had a fab time and ate so much!

Next stop was Hamleys Toy Store. Floors and floors of very excited children and adults! Had such a good time in there and got my monster a build a bear troll! Had such a great time and loved the whole atmosphere! Would never take monster with me! Far too expensive!

We headed back to the hotel and got changed to go to the theatre. Got the most expensive round of drinks on earth and took our seats. The show was spectacular, incredible so beautifully done. It made me cry. The contraptions for the animals were awesome and the singing/music was beautiful. Humour throughout and all characters were brilliant. I cannot fault the show at all. Would recommend it to anyone.

We met a friend and his girlfriend in London and had a drink, McDonald's and then headed back to the hotel.

The next morning we got up late, had a late breakfast, and headed to the aquarium. I love anything to do with animals and we looked round for ages. Took photos and enjoyed more time together before going back to Kings across station to go home.

Spending so much time with my man, just the two of us, was amazing. Was so special. Just being able to talk about everything and anything, walking around site seeing and enjoying time together. He laughed so much and had an great time. Waking up together and not having to get up really early was amazing. He is the most special man ever, I am a lucky lucky girl to call him mine. Really can't imagine life without him being around.

He is going home tonight and I'm dreading it. I don't want him to go and I can feel me missing him already even though we haven't actually left work yet. I don't like it going to sleep with him, waking up to him, spending the evening mucking around and chatting.

So loved up and literally on cloud nine. Feeling like the luckiest most special girl on the planet today. I was spoilt rotten and cannot thank him enough for everything he does for me and the monster.

much love

xxx

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The Lion King

This weekend I am finally getting to see The Lion King in The Lyceum Theatre, London. I am beyond excited!! This is the one show that I have wanted to see for the last 7/8/9 years and I have been promised so many times that people will go with me/take me to see it but it has never happened. My amazing boyfriend bought tickets for my Christmas present along with a hotel for the night. Dinner at Inamo, Pan Asian restaurant. Think we are also going to the London Transport Museum too, never done that either so should be pretty good! He has said that we are going to go walking in the evening to see the landmarks lit up, I have never done this although wanting to for a long time and he wants me to this weekend. Drinks in a bar somewhere and a lay in on Sunday! What more could a girl want... I am also childfree for the weekend thanks to my amazing parents. I have the most amazing people around me, I'm so lucky! A whole weekend with my man, amazing memories to be made and I know my monster will be spoilt rotten with Nanny!! I'm feeling very lucky, spoilt and loved right now!! Much love Xxx

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Eating better.. the plan

I have spent today trying to get into the right mindset for eating better. The plan... 1. Eat meat and veg, salads 2. Cut out chocolate and biscuits and crisps. 3. Definitely cut out sweets 4. Dramatically cut down the fizzy drinks 5. Cut down on bread and pasta 6. Walk at lunchtimes 7. Exercise in evenings, start little and build on it. 8. Don't buy crap to keep in the house otherwise I'll eat it! 9. Have the occasional Chinese as a treat (otherwise I'll go mad!) I want to have a noticeably different body by monsters birthday party (mid may). I will get my flat tummy back and my legs all toned! I will!! Much love Xxx

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Special treats for my girl

After the stressful events of last night and a very long day at work today I was still feeling anxious and guilty. I decided my girl deserved a special treat for being so amazing. Yes I know it's a school night, yes I know she should be in bed on time but sometimes I truly believe there are more important things. Like showing your daughter just how important she is, like showing your daughter that everything she did last night was incredible. I made her really understand why we were there. We went to a restaurant that had soft play, let her run around for just over an hour, got her a super bouncy ball and bought her some dinner. She made friends with two little girls and ran around for ages. She had a great time and went to bed about an hour late! I love her so much, she's truly incredible. She has been through so much at the age of four. I do believe she will grow in to the most amazing, trusting, caring young woman. Much love Xxx

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Just angry

How can he do this? How can he do this to me after everything and how can he do it to his daughter? I'm just angry. Fuming. I sat and cried for hours last night and my 4 year old came and comforted me. She said "Mumma needs cuddles". She stood and rubbed my back to make me feel better. She told me "I'll rub your back like you do when I'm sad". A four year old looking after her mummy just makes me cross at myself and makes me feel useless. I received a letter from a debt collection agency yesterday regarding a debt on a bank account that her dad was using when we split up. He had run the bank account into an overdraft of almost £700. Then switched bank accounts and left it sitting there on a joint account. I rang the agency and discussed everything with them the assault, why I know nothing about this debt, what I can do and I just cried my way through the call. The guy I spoke to was amazing, I wish I had got his name, was so understanding and calming. How can someone run up debt and make someone else liable for it as well. Yes I was stupid, yes I should have checked the bank account myself but all I was trying to do was make myself and my daughter safe and deal with the court proceedings not thinking about the bank account. I know feel like an idiot and now I have this debt against me which I didn't cause. I try so hard to do every thing properly, hate having debt. I budget hard, work hard and now this. Last night was a write off. I didn't eat, didn't sleep very well and now I'm just angry and empty. I'm in work this morning and it's not going well already. Just want to go home sort myself out and sleep. Much love Xxx

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Struggling to motivate myself

I want to get fit. I want to get fit. I want to get fit. Oooh doughnuts, cakes, sweets.... This is how my whole day is going at the moment. How do single mums that work 9-5pm Monday-Friday find the time and energy to exercise. I want to get to exercise classes, want to get out and dance more but it's just not possible. I can't ask any more of my mum and dad. I can't get her dad to have moo overnight as I simply don't trust him and I don't think moo would settle. I really need to get into the right mindset to do it and I need to do it NOW! I want to get my body back to how it was, get back into clothes I love and really feel good... I can do this...! Much love Xxx

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Just want to relax

I have been on the go constantly since long before Christmas. It has carried on into the new year. I'm out here there and everywhere, seeing people, entertaining the small child or doing the general weekly chores. I am exhausted. I just want to relax. I want a day to do nothing. Not have to worry about moo, just have a day to do my course or some drawing. Anything but just to relax. Maybe have a nice long shower in peace. Watch tv and it not be Paw Patrol or The Magic School Bus! I think I will finally get a day on Saturday, I have some deliveries coming but that's not particularly taxing! Then the rest of the day I am just going to do what I want, of course after I have dropped moo off with her dad! I then have 10:30-6:30 to do exactly what I want! The next few weekends are completely jam packed full of fun so I'm going to enjoy it! Much love Xxx

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The start of a new year

So it's 1:25am on 1st January 2017 and I have just got home from a party. I went on my own, there were people there I knew, I came home on my own, my house is empty and so so quiet. This has made me reflect on the last year and think about the future. So to sum 2016 up quickly, I started a new job, I settled into my home, I went on my first holiday for 8 years, my daughter started school, my old relationship was miserable but then I realised that the most incredible man was right in front of me the whole time. I have started a new relationship and I'm the happiest I have been ever! I have the most amazing friends. This is the time where everyone makes New Years resolutions and then breaks them in the first few days. I never normally make them but I am this year, I want to fulfil some of the things on my bucket list, I want to get fit and back into shape and I want to continue on the positive, happy road that I'm on. I have the most incredible little girl, most amazing man, great family, awesome friends, I love my job, my house, I am in the best place I have been for years and I just want it to carry on and to enjoy life. 'Tomorrow is the first blank page of 365 page book, write a good one.' Here's to 2017 and it being the best it possibly can. Happy new year Much love Xxx

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Why am I in such a bad mood?!

I am grumpy and stroppy! I feel all emotional and generally pissed off! I have no idea why though felt like it for days and it's bugging me. I have nothing to stress about, no money worries, no childcare worries, no relationship worries. Christmas is planned and organised. I am ready to go and just enjoy it yet I still feel like this. I don't think I'm sleeping solidly at night either which doesn't help me. I am getting really disturbed sleep. Again I don't know why. If anyone does have any bright ideas just let me know! I could bite someone's head off at work today everything is irritating me and I'm short with people. I'm trying just to keep myself to myself but unfortunately I can't just lock myself away today. Hopefully a night of salsa (which I haven't done in a while!) will sort me out and I'll feel a million times better tomorrow! Much love Xxx