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[lozzatnt]

a few weeks ago, I went on my first overnight trip on my motorbike. it was quite a big deal for me, as I've never gone more than a few miles from home, in my usual commute. so 2 days work down in Bognor Regis was the perfect chance to get out of town!

the timing wasn't ideal, to say the least... I just had my first covid jab on the day I planned to travel down. its safe to say that my arm felt a bit achey. but I couldn't let that stop me! I was honestly just glad that it didn't make me feel ill.

secondly, I checked the weather forecast and it was set to piss it down for the whole week! but regardless, I put on my rain gear and set off.

my bag was pretty heavy. I had my chain lock and disk lock (paranoid londoner alert), as well as 3 days worth of clothes and toiletries. as it was a work thing, I bought my laptop too. it all added up to a fair weight on my back, but I figured I was pretty strong (and a bit cocky??) and went for it.

as I left, it started spitting a bit. I figured that would be the extent of it, but after about 5 miles, the heavens absolutely opened. I was drenched a few minutes into my first big trip. but I've seen plenty of bikers braving the elements so kept my head down and plowed on.

I'll be honest - I was a bit stressed about the navigation. I used my wireless earphones (just one) and the voice of apple maps to take me down south. it actually turned out great. I only made a couple of wrong turns, which did add a bit of time to the trip! but overall, it worked well. it would have been great to see the map too, but without a phone holder on my bike, that simply wasn't going to happen. regardless, apple maps delivered!

I got out of London fairly quickly and painlessly. it was a Tuesday night at about 8pm and therefore more or less dead on the roads.

what I didn't totally think about, was going through the albeit amazing country roads of Surrey, with the world's wankiest LED headlight on my poor little 125. oh. and in the pouring rain!

I can imagine all the experienced bikers out there rolling their eyes at me being a massive snowflake. but yeah it wasn't my usual well lit London commute that I'm used to! far out of my comfort zone but a good challenge, providing that I came out alive!!

the visibility was so poor but I knew that in the sunshine, this place would be incredible (which I found out on the way back!).

about half way, my legs were cramping, my back ached a bit and I was drenched. I couldn't pluck up the courage to open my bag to find my clothes damp and creased. and yep. no iron in the Travelodge!

but I hopped back on and carried on to my next stop - the shell garage, about 3/4s of the way there. it was a bit of a slog, I'll be honest. but I gained so much from the trip. I felt much more natural on the bike, which I never totally achieved from my commute alone. I normally chicken out of riding in the rain, and just get the bus instead, so it was useful experience to see what I could handle in the rain. and also importantly, what my bike could handle too.

I checked my phone to see how far it would be to the garage. I must admit, I was a bit worried if I'd make it on my pea sized fuel tank. I really should have stopped sooner. the hills were sapping at my fuel, and my gauge kept going up and down, every time I looked.

It felt a bit weird to be going 60 on some of these super bendy roads. in London, it's 30mph or even 20 in most places, so it was a bit of a test for me to keep up all the time on my little bike. the cars seemed to be going 60 most of the time, where I was happier a bit slower. I pulled over to let them pass, and carried plodding along! I wish I could keep up to be honest, but I was acutely aware of the mental weather conditions, my terrible lights and my ability not to lock the brakes. but I played it safe, and as I neared Chichester, I felt a real sense of achievement. something I've not felt in a long time, to be honest.

It was a relief to find streetlight lined A roads on the way into the city. I could see again! and although sopping wet, I had a real second wind. I reached the shell garage and filled her up. I must have looked mad when I walked into the garage with a birds nest for hair and dripping all over the floor. sexy.

I treated myself to a coke and some chocolate (yep still a kid at heart) and got on my way to the hotel. As I fannied around trying to find the hotel, in the city centre (apple maps did mess me around...) I finally saw the sign to the hotel and parked up next to the bike rack. always gets me in a good mood when there's something to lock on to!

I checked into my room and hung my gear up, in desperate hope for it all to dry out by the morning (no such luck of course), and fell asleep almost instantly with a bit of family guy on.

my laptop survived, probably due to it's snuggly case, and although my clothes were a bit fucked - creased and soaked to the max, it was so worth the trip.

I could have just got the train there, but I feel like I have so many memories from the trip, that it would be such a shame to miss out on all that. after my 2 days of work were over, I drove back in the sunshine - it was such a highlight. Surry really is amazing.

I just wish I took more photos, but I still have some great memories and the hope of another trip sometime soon. I think motocamping will be on the cards next! rude not to

[lozzatnt]

It took me ages to find any luggage system for my bike but it was worth it - the kriega us10 has been perfect for the past few rides. it’s so nice not to have to carry my chain on my back all the time!! 🙌🏼

[lozzatnt]

mini luggage!

[lozzatnt]

picking myself up

it's been a rough few months. I've been making the effort to dig deeper into my personal issues, to try to improve myself and lead a happier life. but the path to that is not an easy one.

I lived much of my life thinking I was a fairly normal person. I have always felt a bit quirky, but I didn't feel like it went any deeper than that.

But looking back, I never fit in very well anywhere. I was a risk taker, I very much had a punk vibe going, in my appearance and attitude. I never remember having a best friend, nor felt very close to the people I acquainted with. maybe I kept everyone at a distance unconsciously, or maybe I just never hand anything attractive to offer

skip forward to the past few years, and things have really reached breaking point.

for what ever reason, my self esteem has always been low, to say the least. At the age of 25, I am paranoid about what everybody thinks about me. when I walk down the street, I'm convinced that passers-by are looking down on me. they think I'm ugly, weird looking, or seem like a terrible person. I didn't realise until maybe 2 years ago, that not everyone thinks like this. coming to the realisation that this isn't normal, and is incredibly damaging, has been a hard pill to swallow. I am at the stage where I am acutely aware of my distorted thoughts like this, yet I am struggling to alter my thinking into a more normal, and relaxed way. These things take time and effort, and I hope to improve on this in the coming years. I suppose the acknowledgement of how distorted this thinking is, is the first step.

There are good days, when I couldn't care less about what others think. or where someone smiles back at me, and I feel the world isn't so bad. but there are also bad days, where without any cue, I feel crushed by the assumed opinions of others. it's scary to think that I could feel this my whole life, but I am determined to improve now I can see the issues more clearly.

I also struggle a lot with being away from my boyfriend. every time we have a night away from each other, I cannot help but feel empty and low. my only approach to deal with this, is to stay busy. but even when I go to the gym, for example, I feel an underlying emptiness which I cannot hide from. It makes me feel so dependant and needy, which as a person, I just don't feel like I am. I am quite independent and have always pushed myself to go and get whatever I desire, by myself. Yet this trait of mine makes me feel pathetic, when the time comes that I am alone. This is really something that I need professional help with.

My behaviour has always been avoidant, since I can remember. I actively avoid communicating with others, both those I know, and those that I don't. I avoid attracting any attention to myself, as I cannot stand it. I put myself under so much distress avoiding random communication with others, yet when it happens, I normally feel ok afterwards - it's just the anticipation of it. Part of this, I believe stems from the auditory processing issues that I have identified over the past few years.

At first, I was convinced that I was going deaf, which for a sound engineer, wasn't totally surprising, by the age of 25. yet I acutely realised that I could hear music with exceptional clarity and skill in my work. I could hear frequencies that others may not. The issue was never the ability to hear - but the ability to process words. When people speak to me, my brain takes longer to work out what the other person has said to me. I can feel a delay in comprehending what is being said. I have lost count of the amount of times that I have asked the other person to repeat themselves, only for my brain to work out what they originally said at the exact moment I request for them to repeat what they said. I DID hear it. It just took me longer to work it out. This problem has definitely caused me to avoid talking to people, to avoid the embarrassment of my brain not working. Yet there's still an underlying feeling of just wanting to be in my own world, away from all these strangers.

I have always been an extreme perfectionist, which I always saw as a personality trait, not a disorder. in everything I do, I have to be perfect. or work furiously until I am. I like food cooked in such a specific way - so much that I feel I have to watch my other half cook, when he occasionally does. I like to wash up myself as everything has to be sparklingly clean. I hate people driving me around as I want to be in control. I hate it when I go on holiday, as I feel that whoever does my work for me, will not execute it in the way I like. I spend far longer than others doing tasks as everything has to be perfect. but I keep this all to myself, which has bottled itself up over the years.

I feel like I am exploding with everything I keep to myself. like a volcano about to erupt.

It would be easy to say, well, you need to get some help. but it feels impossible to do that. It would be simple for some people to go to their GP and explain this, but I feel like there is far too much to explain; a whole life time of pain to put across. it seems like an impossible task. My perfectionist traits come out yet again - I feel like I have to say the perfect thing to the doctor for them to believe me. I can't deal with the thought of my pain being dismissed. This is why I feel like the only way to get help, is to reach the point where there is no other option. I feel like I am at that point often - I wonder if I had something to show for my pain, that I may actually get some help. yet I don't want to disappoint those around me by going there.

I am sure that I would greatly benefit from being medicated and having therapy, yet I hear from everyone that the waiting list for these things is years long. I cannot wait years. I have now resorted to saving up for private treatment, as I just cannot see how being put on a years long waiting list could make me better. This is where I am at now. I feel failed by our health service, yet I don't even have the courage to ask for help on the most basic level. it seems inconceivable.

in the mean time, without wanting to sound dramatic, I have been picking myself up, piece by piece.

working out has been a huge win for me. I have something to strive for - I want to be stronger, more toned. something which is visually measurable. my work has never been something which I felt proud of, despite my achievements. yet within three months of strength training, I feel like I finally achieved something. more than I have in the past few years. this in itself is simply wrong - I have done well in my career and gone further than I ever imagined. but lifting is so measurable and quantifiable, unlike anything else I have experienced.

I have been making my way through some therapy workbooks too, for improving my mental health. I have found some new strategies to offset my struggles and I am looking forward to improving all the time, and being more accepting of myself.

when I am busy, I feel absolutely fine, but rather than fill my time with being busy, I want to be able to relax and feel ok about that too. but small steps!

I cannot wait to get help. I am bursting at the seams, waiting for the right moment. but when it comes, I hope to emerge as the excited and optimistic person I remember all those years ago.

[lozzatnt]

[lozzatnt]

[lozzatnt]

another little edit x

[lozzatnt]

4. how far

its so easy to forget how far you've come.

it may seem obvious but we aren't always the best at being encouraging to ourselves.

sometimes, well, a lot of the time, I feel like i'm not progressing quick enough. that everyone else is so much more confident and skilled than I am. but it's all relative

I went for a short ride around the block a few days ago, just for fun. and when I came back, I felt so happy. I had fun. I wasn't intimidated by anything or anyone. I felt in control and free.

but going back to even just a few months ago, I had so much less experience and confidence. I'd stall. I'd worry about stalling. I'd overly focus on people behind me, if they were getting annoyed at me for going too slow for them. now my body takes care of the gears and throttle, I have so much more free space in my head to be even more observant and plan ahead more effectively.

what reminded me, was giving my other half basic lesson on how to ride, in the carpark where I live. he did really well, but it made me realise how all the basic stuff, like clutch control, has truly become second nature. you get a real feel for it quickly.

but it's the first time I've fully stood back and though, wow, I've come so far.

it made me realise how important it is to give yourself a little pat on the back every so often.

just look back to your first training session or the first time you got on a bike, no matter what stage you are at now. I bet the difference is huge.

the nice thing about riding a bike is that there is always room for improvement, no matter how advanced or not, you are. but this focus on getting better can often cause us to lose sight of our humble beginnings, and not appreciate how much work we've put into being a better rider. so although it's great to want to improve all the time, don't forget to appreciate all your hard work.

there's no coaches to tell us how great we're doing, so you've got to be your own coach sometimes, and evaluate how you are doing, whilst encouraging yourself too.

it's easy to be critical of ourselves, but don't forget to balance this with some positive feedback too 👏

[lozzatnt]

little edit I did of my bike 😈

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first warm day of the year here 🙏

[lozzatnt]

3. anxious or not

I've heard a LOT of people saying that 'some people just aren't cut out for being on a motorcycle'.

I honestly thought that having anxiety would mean that it would be impossible for me to ride a motorbike. when driving in a car, I'd have to plan out the route, using roads I'm familiar with, in extreme detail, just to feel comfortable. I'd worry about going too fast. too slow. the full works. I stopped driving after a while because I just couldn't relax. it was pure stress.

you'd think that having a motorbike would be a bad thing then. but it simply isn't. when I'm on my bike, I am forced to focus on the environment and other traffic around me. it is a matter of life or death. it demands full attention. this weirdly flings me into a state of mindfulness, which I simply cannot achieve in almost any other activity. everything feels clear and sharp.

in contrast, when I used to drive cars, I'd have a passenger talking to me, the radio on, my phone pinging every so often, not to mention the feeling of disconnect that I couldn't shake, by being in a big metal box. how can anyone focus in this environment?

on the other hand, being on the bike is so pure. there's nobody talking to you (apart from yourself!), there's no radio or irritating passengers or phone notifications. as cheesy as it sounds, it's just you and the road. for me personally, this is way less anxiety inducing.

there is the matter of worry about other road users. I think this is where most people get their idea that people with anxiety shouldn't ride motorbikes. I think they are concerned that you'll slam on the brakes at the slightest obstacle, or act so panicked in the face of danger, that you'll crash. I understand that perspective. but I also think that my anxiety makes me a more careful driver. yes, you can't predict that someone won't slam into you or brake suddenly in front of you, but I am extremely careful to drive at a sensible speed, to give me more time to react in an intelligent way.

so for this reason, I think that anxiety can actually make you a careful and conscientious driver.

I do have fear and self doubt at times - so I'm far from perfect. but I don't let it get in the way of my passion. the worst anxiety I've felt on my bike hasn't come from the danger. but in situations where I've been tailgated or beeped at by drivers going really fast in residential areas. also to point out, I was driving at the speed limit on all of these occasions. those situations have left me feeling self conscious and question my driving, but I think it's important not to feel pressured by others on the road. do your own thing. within the limits of the law of course!!

obviously it's important to remember that everyone is different, and some may struggle with the dangers of being on a motorbike, or the unpredictability of others, which can easily be amplified by anxiety. being on a motorbike may not be for everybody, but I believe it's incredibly important to challenge this. test it for yourself. see what kind of rider you can become, despite how relaxed or anxious as a person, you may be.

but I think it's so important to try it for yourself. don't let anyone bully you out of trying. people suffering from anxiety often allow others to tell them what their limits are and what they can or can't do. but see for yourself first. as I mentioned, I find a lot of peace on a motorbike due to the focus I need when riding. it is a way to deal with anxiety, rather than making it worse. so don't let it stop you x

[lozzatnt]

2. feeling good

the matter of what you wear when you're out on your bike is no doubt influenced by your safety, your looks, perhaps the advice from others, or what you see on social media. I can't even count how many times I've seen a video on reddit of someone riding a motorbike, and the comments being flooded with 'you should be wearing gloves' or 'jeans don't do anything to stop road rash' etc. gear has quickly become a hot topic.

I think we can all agree that safety gear is important for preventing injury when riding any type of motorcycle. not only does it protect us from road rash and impact, but it can also give us extra confidence when riding. I remember the first time going out without my armoured jeans on and thinking, if I came off my bike now (going around 30mph) I'd be pretty fucked. it scared me, to be honest. and the next time I went out, with my usual jeans on, I felt so much better. yes, it's still going to hurt coming off your bike, but actually, a bit of armour really adds a decent amount of extra confidence.

when I first bought my bike, I always wore a level 2 armoured leather jacket, armoured jeans, boots, gloves and a helmet. but I remember looking in the mirror on my way out of the house, thinking I look pretty weird. admittedly, I follow perhaps too many instagram motobloggers, who look absolutely gorgeous in every post. their tight fitting race suits, flowing hair and incredible makeup that I was dying to imitate. me, on the other hand, well, I felt like I was missing the mark.

I can't pin it down to one thing, but perhaps a culmination of several factors, as to why I didn't feel sexy or cute on a motorbike, like all those other girls.

the way my helmet squeezes in my cheeks, my exhilarated rosy skin on my face, the loose fitting jacket, basic make up, and my short height, I felt, were definitely to blame. not to mention the fact that I have a tiny motorbike, not a sexy sports bike!

I had this mentality of 'if I could just' buy a cool race suit, get a nicer helmet, maybe wear less protection even, then I could achieve the look they have.

but I soon realised how unhealthy this attitude is.

I'd spend a lot of money on upgrading my kit, just to feel a bit closer to what I wanted to look like. but actually, I should have been focusing on improving my riding instead.

however, I can't run away from the fact that I now feel quite good about how I look, when i'm out on my bike. this really is down to confidence. wearing nice gear makes me feel less self conscious and just a bit cooler, which is one thing less to think about when I'm riding. before, I'd think, I bet those people are looking at me because I look ugly on my bike (completely irrational, I know). but now I think, I bet those people are looking at me because I look half decent!

I know that I shouldn't base my goals on what other people are doing on instagram, but truth be told, these are the people that inspired me to get on a bike in the first place! those girls made me realise that it's ok for women to be interested in bikes! and if I am influenced by their appearance, as unhealthy as it is, so be it. but I would even have a bike right now, if it wasn't for the motivation provided to me by these people.

my take away from this is, do whatever you feel you need to, to feel good when you're riding. if you feel good, I personally think you ride better as your confidence is no longer an obstacle. this is from my personal experience. admittedly, I have a pretty pathetic level of self esteem. but I still think this can apply to anyone.

if it means buying that tinted visor to hide your hamster cheeks (yup, i'm talking about mine here!) or getting a nice jacket that accents your body, then do it! I'm certainly not advocating buying your way to happiness, but I am a firm believer that it's important to feel good.

until I can become one of these amazing body positive, self-embracing babes, then I'll have to stick to my tinted visor thank you!

[lozzatnt]

[lozzatnt]

my little 125. x

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[lozzatnt]

1. f*cked up beginnings

I've been riding for three months now and I'm really excited to share my experience so far. 

I've been in love with motorbikes since I can remember, really. I always remember being quite aggressively pushed away from this interest by those around me and I always wonder whether that actually made me want to ride more. 

despite being really excited and eager to learn to ride, my first experience on a bike certainly wasn’t a particularly great one. in fact, I'm still cringing about it haha. 

the first time I got on a motorbike was for my compulsory basic training which is necessary in the UK to ride a 125cc bike on the road legally. I arrived early and was really excited to get started. opting to learn on a geared bike, my instructor immediately had his reservations as I hadn't been on a bike before. looking back on it, he was definitely right about his reservations as it’s a huge task to learn to ride with gears in only a few hours. 

I was also kind of worried that I wouldn't be tall enough to ride a geared bike either, but at 5′6″ that was not a problem at all for me, as I realised once I got onto the bike quite comfortably. 

so the training didn’t go great at all. I didn’t stall the bike much but took way too long releasing the clutch and revving the bike more than I should have and I just didn't feel like I was getting the hang of it at all. it didn't help that everyone else was on automatic scooters!

I didn’t feel in control at all and the instructor said it would be best if I came back another time to complete the on road elements. despite feeling incredibly let down and disappointed in myself, I agreed and went home feeling pretty low and like i'd wasted my money. I even had a bit of a cry before making my way home :(

after a couple of months of feeling sorry for myself and jealous of all those amazing successful biker babes out there, I decided to do what everyone says you shouldn't and did the CBT on an automatic scooter instead. this time it was so much easier and I ended up passing, then buying a manual 125 bike to very carefully practice on at home. 

for me, this was the winning strategy. I do suffer from some learning difficulties and find it much easier to teach myself new skills. I very nervously but carefully practiced most nights in the car park at home and then progressed to the quiet areas of my neighbourhood over the coming months. 

admittedly, I'm not a fast learner but I love the advice ‘ride your own ride’ as that’s exactly what I'm doing. taking things slow and getting comfortable my own way. 

after three months, I've been stuck inside for a while due to lockdown and icy conditions, but I can't wait to progress. I’m struggling a little with nerves at big roundabouts and feel a bit on edge when I'm being tailed closely, but I’m improving all the time and am eager to learn every day. 

I will be using this blog to tell my story and discuss the various aspects of biking, especially as a woman. always keen to talk to others, get in touch!

l x