lucidanaesthesia

[lucidanaesthesia]

A

you lied

alot

and yet i still find myself apologising

fuck off

[lucidanaesthesia]

31m into ep9 s5 of YOU

joe bites into his arm to retrieve a key

he bit into his flesh

ripped into the skin

and blood was streaming down his arm

the next scene hes in

he fights kate with blood POORING from his mouth

just felt like documenting this

[lucidanaesthesia]

A,

i never cared for prom

i didnt go to my last one

and i dont regret it

but youre going

and youre gonna look amazing

and since hearing prom was even happening i imagined us going together

i miss us

i miss hanging out in the heath

and waterlow

and feeding the ducks

and cuddling on the bench

and ur perfume

i miss you

and us

i want to go there with you

hide in the bathroom

leave early and watch cartoons

i dont want other people hitting on you

fuck all of this

why is sadness sometimes justified

or warranted

we could be okay together

if i didnt ask you to be friends

is this a just enough reason to not wanna be here?

bc i cant imagine myself without you?

-J

[lucidanaesthesia]

A,

seeing my mood when i answer the phone to you

and comparing it to when we close

is enough testament to whether we should be together or not

-J

[lucidanaesthesia]

the dream was so real

as real as i feel right now

i remember when i realised i could breathe underwater and thats when i realised it was a dream and something was wrong

god i woke up almost sobbing and weeping

i was ready to leave i was so upset

but overdramatic

fuck O

fuck V

fuck everyone else who knew

fuck you all

i hate you all

you knew and said nothing and have the audacity to stand before my as my friends

and now im left with arguable the worst part

what memories from last night were real and what were dreams

[lucidanaesthesia]

A,

bad dream

was with you in my garden

conservatory to my left and im facing the house

some guy is staring at ur ass through the window

i point it out

he comes out

you greet eachother his names jack

you walk off with him

im rearranging my room

i find a black coat like urs

i come into the garden to bring it to you

ur sitting under the shed shelter

i make a joke about how i knew i would find you there bc you were next to the speaker and frank ocean was playing

you feel distant

M /Ssays its her coat

then like

u go in my room with other people

and its at the point where i have to ask others if you left

youre all in my room and im sitting alone at the top of the stairs

im so left out

for hours

i go into my room and everyones leaving

i check my phone which had been left in there with K and my insta had been changed wnd my contacts and everything

and one or ks friends says that after what they’ve seen, im a horrible person. i say i can prove k wrong but i check my phone and they deleted the messages where they were wrong.

they put J in archived too

what it all means

i think the guy staring at ur ass is a metaphor for how other guys view u for ur body and you walking off with him is you leaving me and being with someone else

the coat thing was me looking for an excuse to talk to you

k changing insta showed how much power she had over me

deleting the chats and the reaction from her friends was how easy she could falsify the narrative

everything about the dream was real

especially the passage of time

and the underwater section

i just wanted to be noticed and included and not exiled

i tried to kill myself in the dream

and certain friends i have now knew what k was doing so fuck you all

[lucidanaesthesia]

i wont say who but today i was jokingly cringe roleplaying with one of my close female friends on snap

things like “zaddy loves kitten”

ironic things

but at one point she said “i love it when you listen to me like a good boy”

other things too

but ive been thinking about it ever since

i never expected to hear that

its something A used to say to me and i went feral for it

but i dont think of this person like this

i keep going back and reading the messages she sent me

i think im flustered

and yet i dont view them like that still

but the messages caught me off guard

[lucidanaesthesia]

M introduced me to a song called 6x6 by mr.kitty

its really good

i feel like its corny or that it has a certain stigma around that kind of music

but who gives a flying fuck i love it

it reminds me of warp whistle by fartbarf but like crossed with daft punks romanthony

who i have just found out is dead

rip

[lucidanaesthesia]

I worry ill never make a “Discovery”

no one will ever listen to my music and be captivated the same way i am when i hear veridis quo or night vision or something about us

not yet anyway

thats why im going to make it

ill make better music than discovery

the best music youve ever heard

and captivate it will.

[lucidanaesthesia]

A,

i called

we had a good chat

spoke about sad stuff and we both still left grinning ear to ear

your dad is a sick fuck.

N is being shady and is turning out to be what i worried about

im not going to tell you to act in any way as im not sure whether ill be doing it out of jealousy, and even if im not i sure as hell dont want it to come across that way

-J

[lucidanaesthesia]

A,

i still check your pinterest more than id like to admit

it stings when i see youve added to that board but im glad you are happy

if i could change things so that you were mine and you wanted to be mine

im not sure if i would

ive tried to be what you need and i keep messing that up

whoever you are with

i can see you are happy

and thats always been the end goal

i hope things are no different from what you display

tho i know you tend to bottle things

maybe ill call you

check in yk?

-J

[lucidanaesthesia]

A,

i took some time away to distance

i thought that perhaps by not being close to you, i wont see all the things i fell in love with, however absence does infact make the heart grow fonder

i dont want things to be like this but i cant give you a friend right now

im still here for you

and i still love you platonically

my heart is just having a difficult time drawing a line

-J