luiletulip

[luiletulip]

forever. [01/03/2025]

Today I realize that I am built for forever in a world where everything is temporary.

I have to learn to let go.

[luiletulip]

parent, mother. [01/03/2025]

Even as a child, I dreamt of being a mother.

I find joy in caretaking. In nurturing, teaching, guiding, protecting, and loving others so much more than I do myself, I wear it like a badge of honor.

What I understood and believed to be love was my own doom.

Yes, love is sacrifice. I have been taught that my whole life as a child who grew up knowing Jesus. I came to know a love so unconditional, that I had the misconception of putting myself last, considering the feelings of others, and playing martyr in every scenario.

Only when others are happy, can I be happy.

I am peacekeeper, damage controller, and mother in more ways than one, and I have lived this way for 31 years of my life. I was born to mother, built to care, and raised to nurture. But at the expense of my own self.

I wish you had been my mother, my mother told me once before comparing me to her own mom. It didn't feel like a compliment. It wasn't praise nor acknowledgement, and it wasn't credit.

But I am your daughter, I thought, you are supposed to be my mother.

Realization felt like a suckerpunch to the brain, heart, and gut all at the same time: I had become a parent to everyone, including myself. I am everyone's mother, yet whose child am I?

My heart never felt so lost, scared, and betrayed. I don't know who I am. I was parentified for all my life, that I don't know who I am without being one. I have been a mother, a parent for as long as I can remember, that I feel (and fear) that is all I am.

It has been a trauma for almost all eldest daughters. To be parentified by their own families. Growing up, I had to not only raise myself, but my two younger siblings as well.

Father and mother provided for me: school, house, food, clothes, toys, and everything else I needed in material form. I think I was so grateful that I believed emotional regulation, unconditional love, and patient guidance were things I had to figure out myself.

I was a child.

Why was I already parenting myself?

I never have to worry about you, my mother tells me often, you never get into trouble, you perform well. You are a good, responsible daughter.

Looking back, it was supposed to end there. I was only ever supposed to be responsible for myself as a child. I only had to make sure I am safe, comfortable, and happy, but there is no such thing as an ideal world, no matter how hard I try to be an ideal child.

At eleven I was already journaling my thoughts, emotions, and plans. I jotted down confusing feelings like the combination of sadness and anger I now know as frustration, documented conversations and scenes of what happened in life that I may understand in a different point of view (perhaps they were thinking this way when they say this to me), and planned on how I should be a better person.

My journal, my diary is for me. It was something I held as mine. The day my mother told me she read my diary and even wrote in it as an act of love and care, I felt I never really had anything to call mine.

Sharing is a common thing in a family with siblings. When you are the eldest, it becomes a daily thing, a frequent reminder that your younger siblings come first, all in one word: ngalah.

I cannot "win" a fun race during play time because my little brother would cry for not being able to run as fast as I can. I cannot have my own set of color pencils because I must share with my little sister who enjoys coloring, too.

Nothing was ever mine.

My room door was not to be locked in case my siblings decide to play in my room, or my mother's fear of me keeping secrets, come true. No secrets, she tells us, we are not allowed.

My alone time to draw and read in the comfort and safety of my room meant I have disregarded quality time with family in the living room below. I must share my toys, my achievements, my food, my time, and attention.

Nothing

was

ever

mine.

Not even when at my mid-twenties, and I held my souldog so close to my heart, feeling like I have something, someone so dear to call mine. Mine to hold, mine to love, mine to care for.

In my bliss, fingers pointed at me and accused me of displaying "favoritism" as I have five dogs at the moment. The day my souldog and I became each other's "mine" became a problem to every member of the family. Apparently, I cannot show more love to one dog, because I had to be fair and love them all equally.

Hypocrisy at its finest, because every single member of the family chose their favorites and are not judged for it. Because you are their caretaker, they tell me, you cannot have favorites.

I think there was never really fairness in this house.

Everything I called "mine", I must share. I cannot have it to myself, no matter how much I enjoy it. When I do, judgment and mockery be upon me.

J-Pop.

Anime.

Pop-punk bands.

My first love.

Nothing was ever mine. And so, how have I ever been only responsible for just myself when every "mine" was shared?

Every single decision of mine impacts others, especially my family. In 31 years of my life, I have kept taking them into consideration in every step I make and every choice I make. Because life didn't feel mine.

Ah, but isn't this another Christian way of living? Your life is not yours, it's God's.

So what do I have left?

As a child, I have always been held responsible for my mother's mood and my father's anger. A little older, and now I am also responsible for my brother's comfort and my sister's growth. Being close was a gift, but as the eldest, I too was responsible for my younger cousins' safety.

I am responsible for myself: keep myself clean, learning, humble, polite, well-mannered, resourceful, problem-solving, peace-keeping, damage-controlling, strong, resilient, showing no signs of weakness or need of help yet all the same stay gentle, loving, and meek.

I am always parenting.

Reparenting myself when I come to realize that oh, I did a bad job of parenting myself growing up. Depression sits in my heart, and anxiety won't leave me alone. I had to unlearn so many and at the same time teach myself a mountain of things.

Me. I. Alone.

Where is my parent? Who is guiding me? Who is teaching me? Why am I figuring life out by myself? Why is there no hand holding mine? Where do I go when I get scared? Who do I tell when I need help? Where can I lay down my feelings and thoughts and feel safe? How can I feel safe? Why is no one protecting me, why is no one guiding me, why is no one parenting me?

I am a child, too.

I sing in churches that I am a child of God, but why can't I have a parent I can see in this world, too?

I feel helpless a lot of the time.

The scariest part of being "the responsible daughter" is that I already am expected to be responsible for my parents as they age as well. Who will I live with when I become a grandparent? A question both my mother and father have asked me.

And I, the responsible eldest daughter, would answer without fail every single time, me.

Mama and Papa tell me how secure they feel with my love for them. They both know I love them to the point of making the claim of you love me the most out of all my kids.

I took pride in that. I tell myself, it doesn't matter who my parents love the most, I love them the most and they know.

Ngalah.

This damn word could be tattooed in the deepest parts of my soul, and it never stops killing me. It's not love. It's sabotage.

And after 31 years of only knowing how to do so, suddenly my mother tells me to own my life, take control, while my sister tells me something of the sort. It's supposed to feel freeing, but somewhere in my heart I feel abandoned, judged, and mocked all over again.

Because I have become the daughter, the sister that does not take responsibility for her own life. After all that weight on my shoulders, guiding, protecting, teaching, I felt pushed, thrust away to figure my own life out. Still no one to guide or protect me.

I have never stopped parenting, I have been parenting all my life. Perhaps the reason why I fear marriage and building a family of my own is that I will never have time and peace for myself should I start one. I will continue mothering. The passion and dream I have to be a mother feels tainted and crumpled by this fear.

Who knows?

Who knows.

[luiletulip]

today I died [16/04/2023]

When I first told my mother that I thought of attempting suicide, she cried. But not because she felt saddened by the fact that she would lose me, instead, “I failed as a mother— everything I did amounted to this— I’m a failure.”

Because it’s about her, and always about her.

I told my brother about how I’ve been battling depression and plan to attempt suicide, he said, “But that’s a sin—“

Because according to him, I’m difficult to love anyway.

Today I told my father that I’ve attempted suicide multiple times. He got angry and glared at me, telling me, “Go ahead— I won’t cry, I won’t come to your funeral— Your life is your responsibility— Go ahead!”

Because the battles I’ve been going through aren’t real, and I am weak for losing to the sadness.

So I am thankful to my sister, whom I feel sorry for, because when I told her about this, could only cry and hold me tight and tell me, “Don’t. I want you here. Please stay.”

I feel sorry for her because she had to hear about just how hurt and defeated her big sister is— I feel sorry for her because she is so young, and yet facing something so tough and heartbreaking.

My brother is correct— I am difficult to love. My mother, brother, and surprisingly even my father whom I believed to have loved me the most— all would agree to this.

But my sister. 

Oh my darling little sister. 

Thank you for loving me anyway. Thank you for loving me despite how hard and tough it is. Thank you for wanting me to stay.

So I’ve promised myself and to you I swear: that I will live.

No matter how hurt, difficult, dark, and hopeless my heart feels, I will live. I keep you and Wonie in my mind, and I will live.

Jemima, you are love. I can never thank you enough. So I will live. Because you love. 

Thank you.

🤍

[luiletulip]

How lovely! Thank you so much for the response, Caro!

Hi Caro! I found your blog because I was looking for kpop seasonal color analysis and I absolutely love your post! It's so helpful and it makes so much sense. I was wondering, have you done Mark Lee's analysis? I keep wondering what his color is. I thought he'd be more cool tone since he suits blue hair so much, but recently I saw a picture of him next to Jaemin and noticed just how much warmer he is in comparison. Your thoughts? <3

mark lee's personal color is: true summer! aka a cool palette with some winter-adjacent contast. but still berry/rose/beige/charcoal colors. basically hot sauce era.

that kind of person resembles a nice summer evening at the shore — summer = light, soft, cool. zero red, orange, yellow, pure hues, and only few super dark colors. it's very gentle, but exciting.

that's why silver jewelry suits him so well. as do whites, pinks, greys, purples, and blues. think emily blunt. although nct's concept is bright winter, summer is a much breezier, softened seasonal color.

it can be made edgy, though. long as the colors aren't screaming and are still muted enough.

he'll appear warmer when wearing spring or autumn, that palette clashes with his immense cool undertone which e.g. makes gold stick out like a sore thumb when the rest of the outfit is blue-based.

cool/true summer's mortal enemy is orange because it is so warm. the more yellow-based the color, the more it kills mark's vibe.

whereas those nice emerald-like greens are just awesome.

[luiletulip]

tulip blooms.

I’m writing a letter to Markie just because my love for him has been blooming a lot more.

Makeu-ya, annyeonghaseyo! If you’re reading this then I’ve successfully snuck it to you after meeting you today kkk thank you for taking this little letter, it really means a lot to me.

I’m writing this before I meet you tomorrow, but I’m sure that you were a delight to meet with. Core memory for me, no doubt about it.

Anyway, this is just a small note I wrote (that rhymed, I’m a rapper, SM hire me) for you to read whenever you feel like you need a tiny mood-booster for the day hehe so as cliche as it is, here are 7 things I like about you:

One, your unwavering strength - everyone knows how hard you work, how strong you’ve trained your body mind and soul. It’s admirable. I do hope you would also cherish rest as much as hardwork, Markie. I hope you always rest enough, eat yummy food, and have just as much fun! It’s okay to slow down sometimes, it’s okay to be still once in a while for there is strength in stillness as well.

Two, your passionate soul - without question! I think God gave you a great amount of talent and immense passion to come with it for a purpose. You’re doing amazing. I bet He is so dang proud of you, prouder each day He looks down and takes a minute or two to just love you and bless you.

Three, your bright spirit - in every person there is light as there is dark. There must be dark days in your life, but your spirit is so bright that I’m certain you’ll always make it through. The light in you will never go out, Mark :)

Four, your healing mind - from your lyrics to your poetry to your insights, I hope you know how many hurting hearts you’ve helped heal little by little. This is your art, your gift to the world. Thank you for your words, Mark, they heal more than you will ever know.

Five, your helping nature - and as much as I appreciate your wonderful words, your actions prove just how true they are. I pray you’ll always teach me to give a little more, live a little brighter, and love a little better.

Six, your quiet side - your laughter is contagious and personally, it’s a serotonin boost for me. But I do find your quieter side just as endearing. All sides of your personality are you. All of them are lovable. You are so easy to love, I hope you never feel like anyone could dislike you - that’s impossible.

Seven, your kind heart - I don’t know you personally but I do believe kind hearts translates through and goes beyond measure, and out of all the hearts I’ve come across in my whole life, I genuinely know yours is kind. Keep it kind, keep it soft, keep it strong, keep it gentle - I pray your heart will always be safe.

I don’t have enough pages right now, but I could write a million more reasons and I’m sure the whole world would agree with me. You are so loved and cared for by hurting and healing hearts everywhere; blessed and cherished by the Heavens above.

May God always keep you under His wing as you keep shining for Him. Stay golden ah, no, you’re prettier than that - you are iridescent, Mark Lee.

Love, Luika.

[luiletulip]

ㅁㅏㅋㅡ

This is insane.

INSANE.

Why do I love you this much, it doesn’t make sense.

We haven’t met. You don’t know me. I don’t know you (or at least at some personal level, not at a level where our hearts recognize each other).

And yet, why does my heart ache for you? Why do my tears drop for you? Why do I dream of you, I dream of you, I dream of your smile. Bright smile, kind eyes.

Twice.

I dreamt of taking your hand twice. Why am I somewhat hoping, wishing, yearning, longing for this to be real? Why am I praying for this to be real?

You’re not real,

I tell myself.

You are too good to be true.

Why am I trying to become better for you? Why do I have you in my mind when I strive and struggle to become a better person altogether?

Did He put you in my life to motivate me when I have lost hope? Did He allow me to “meet” you when I have no longer remembered what love is?

Do I even love you?

Some days I think I do. Some moments I know that I do.

But you-

I can make up a thousand words of how ridiculous this is, right after all those years of swearing I would never be writing love letters to boys who don’t even know I exist.

But you.

Why do I love you?

Is it wrong to hope? Is it wrong to pray? Perhaps I’ll do it anyway. And even if it all turns to dust one day, I hope someday I still can tell you what a blessing it is to have loved you.

You affected my heart in the way you moved millions of others.

That is why I love you.

I do.

[luiletulip]

still missing you.

A whole year has passed without you, Uuyu. I was wondering if should get a tattoo to remember you and carry you with me everywhere. I’m still considering, I’m still missing you.

I love you. Forever. My baby.

I’ll see you again someday.

[luiletulip]

happily incompatible.

Not everyone is naturally compatible with one another, but if you truly love them, you are able to choose to still be happy with them. By meeting in the middle, acknowledging your differences as well as both your strengths and weaknesses, you can be = happily incompatible 

[luiletulip]

29/11/2019

Lagi baca buku The Mom Factor terus ada quote bagus, "Neglected children often don’t realize they are being neglected at the time and can internalize the pain and loneliness and think it is their fault. They are often told they are “too sensitive” or “selfish” if they try to get their needs met."

The sad truth is, ga cuma orangtua yang kayak begini sama anak. Sahabat dan mentor kita pun juga bisa. Padahal kita reach out, terbuka untuk minta "tolong" tapi dibilang oversensitive, dibilang egois, dibilang caper atau attention seeking. This is why banyak yang diem akhirnya.

When a brother / sister / friend of yours (atau kalo udah punya anak) comes to you with a hurt heart, please learn to listen and be kind to them. You never know, it might take them huge courage to open up to you. Respect that and appreciate it.

[luiletulip]

If your emotional abilities aren't in hand, if you don't have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can't have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.

Daniel Goleman

[luiletulip]

17/12/2019

Another little twitter thread I made back then:

I used to ask the world why it’s so proud for being mean or sarcastic or bitter or rude Idk how but an answer in my heart said it’s because they’re insecure. And I was all lmao I’M insecure—they have all the confidence in the world it seems.

But the little voice in my heart spoke to me again and Idk if this is an epiphany or something but does true confidence stop at accepting yourself? Accepting that we are flawed and rude and bitter and mean and choose to live just like that? “Ya gue emang gini orangnya!”

Is that really how to love ourselves? Confidence starts at realizing our flaws, accepting them, but then always choosing to grow. Acknowledging faults, being able to apologize, speak up, but with grace and love. That’s harder than simply “ya gue emang gitu orangnya”.

Insecurity is asking or even demanding people to understand us, instead of being secure with ourselves to say it’s okay to be misunderstood as long as you grow. I’ve been insecure for so long, demanding people to understand me, always feeling misunderstood. No more, it’s tiring.

I want to be able to love myself in a healthy way, and continue to become a better version of myself. Here’s to 2020, let’s all love ourselves better, healthier.

[luiletulip]

16/11/2019

A little twitter thread I made back then:

Pernah ga kamu (atau temen/keluarga/kenalan) seakan “menyalahkan” sesuatu atas perilaku kamu? Bisa menyalahkan situasi, waktu, orang lain atau diri sendiri—or anything at all.

Contoh: 

“Maaf deh kalo gue curigaan, gue dulu diselingkuhin.” 

“Maaf kalo gue kasar, gue broken home.”

Aku pernah, sering bahkan. 

“Maaf deh kalo aku ngatur, kebiasaan anak pertama kan.” 

“Maaf deh kalo aku people pleaser banget. Fe aux soalnya wkwk.” 

“Maaf deh aku ngambek tadi, abis ga suka kalo si X udah ngerendahin aku gitu.” 

Banyak lah.

Hal ini beda dengan menjelaskan, I think. Menjelaskan dan menyalahkan itu beda kan? Menjelaskan: “Maaf gue ngamuk tadi. Ego gue kena. Maaf ya.” Menyalahkan: “Maaf gue ngamuk tadi. Abis lo kayak ngerendahin gue.” 

Idk how but those two are different yes?

I think beda. Menjelaskan keadaan hati dan kejadian tanpa menyalahkan itu bisa sebenernya. Intinya—kenapa kita kebiasaan menyalahkan instead of mengakui salah dan meminta maaf yang baik? Why can’t we be brave to own up to our mistakes? Pride and ego ga sih?

Ketika kita bisa mengakui bahwa oh aku tersinggung karena egoku kesenggol then kita bisa coba lebih humble untuk melihat perspektif lain.

It takes emotional maturity, humility, courage to step back and step down, and most of all—the yearning to grow.

Dan kalo udah berhubungan dengan ego kita, semua hal di atas tadi ga gampang untuk dimiliki atau dilakukan. Karena ya kalo mau enak, ikutin aja ego kita, seenak udel mo ngapain aja. Tapi kan kita ga hidup sendiri. Most of all, masa ga mau bertumbuh jadi lebih baik?

Ya kalo ga mau semakin dewasa dan ga mau bertumbuh dalam kecerdasan emosional, gapapa. Bebas. That’s your life choice. But life will be so much better when you get better as well. Again, decision is yours. Udah pada dewasa, tanggung jawab sama pilihan masing2.

Tapi kalo kita emang mau bertumbuh dan berkembang (bagai bunga tanaman atau pohon, bebas mau yang mana) yuk kita pikir bareng2: gimana caranya?

Kayaknya untuk menjadi sesuatu yang lebih baik, kita perlu mengenalnya dulu kan? So step one is knowing ourselves. Our likes, dislikes, our passions, hobbies, skills, temperaments, functions, bad habits, good traits—everything. Basically: who am I?

Semakin kita kenal diri kita luar dalam, semakin kita bisa cari tahu kenapa kita berperilaku seperti itu. Why do we act/say/think/feel the way we do? Sekarang udah banyak tools yang bisa bantu kita. MBTI, enneagram, temperament tests itu alat untuk membantu kita mengerti satu sama lain, tapi terlebih lagi DIRI SENDIRI. That’s important.

Anyway, setelah kita kenal diri sendiri semakin baik, then kita bisa semakin mengerti diri sendiri. Contoh ya, dulu aku bingung kenapa aku love people, seneng dengerin cerita orang, seneng analisa body language dsb—tapi setelah hangout aku d r a i n e d banget bisa 3 hari.

Drained literally capek jiwanya rasanya. Asli. Kayak selama 3 hari pingin banget just be with myself. Kadang bisa sampe seminggu. Dua minggu juga bisa. Tapi apakah aku benci sosialisasi? Engga. I love people. I just get tired after a while. Ternyata itu yang dimaksud introvert.

Jadi introverts itu gain energy by being with themselves, while extroverts gain energy by being with others. Mana yang lebih baik? Ga ada. Karena dua2nya baik. Hanya berbeda. Dulu aku pikir aku extrovert, dan pingin banget jadi extrovert. 

Sekarang aku tau kalo aku jujur dan bisa menerima diri aku sendiri (and the fact that I’m not an extrovert but an introvert instead) itu malah bantu aku bertumbuh. Hal2 ini (MBTI, Enneagram, etc) tidak MENDEFINISIKAN kamu. Tapi membantu kamu mengenal dan mengerti beberapa aspek kepribadian dan perilakumu.

Ga semua orang punya kepribadian sama dan berperilaku sama karena semua orang unik, punya pola berbeda2. Jadi jangan asumsi semua type sama.

I ended up not finishing this thread on twt, but I thought it was worth to post here. Shows growth in mindset.

[luiletulip]

love, unconditionally.

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷/Wonie

Conveniently, the love of my life typed the “÷” symbols above as he nestles comfortably by my side on the fluffy white pillow on my table.

This is about my Wonie.

Love,

My love.

I have never known a love so true. Never met a love so warm, that simply by the mere sight of you makes my heart sing a thousand songs - all of them sweet, bright, and beautiful.

Your presence gives me comfort, peace, strength beyond what I expect, all these strong and powerful kindness from such a small creature.

And though you speak no words, none that I could understand if not by heart, you have taught me more secrets to life than any other soul could ever. You taught me patience, you taught me perseverence, you taught me that love could be so big that it feels like it couldn’t fit in my heart, and you taught my heart to grow to fit all the love I have for you - it grows each second I spend with you.

It sounds and seems outrageous, but you are, without question, such a gift to me. Whenever your eyes reflect light and meet mine, I feel the sparkle of joy and of hope transfer to me. Thank you for being mine, thank you for choosing me as well.

To be loved by you is unimpeachable, I cannot put to words to describe what an amazing feeling it is. All I know is that you, tiny and brave, smart and kind, wonderful and amusing - you, have made my world better just by being in it.

I thank God every single second I look at you, I thank Him for your heart, I thank Him for letting us meet. My heart loves yours, forever and always, my boy. This bond we have is unshakeable and eternal.

I love you, I love you, I love you. I cannot tell you enough. I just hope you understand and know this forever, though we don’t speak the same language. Or perhaps we do, and if we do, it is the language of love, unconditionally.

You are my best friend, my love, my world.

I love you, Wonie. Let’s spend thousands of years together! #Kwonie <3

[luiletulip]

in 9 days.

You know what makes me different from you?

When time allowed us to meet and join together again, there were two different glasses we each wore. You were wearing the “I know you so well” “We have history since X amount of time” “I know you most ever since then” “You are THIS kind of person” and you perceived me as the girl you befriended back in those days and that girl only. You robbed me of growth, you robbed me of change, you robbed me of the chance to prove that I am no longer that girl.

But I, I am a fool, it seems.

The moment we collided into each other’s lives yet again––because history does repeat itself and life is a funny little thing, I chose to see you in a different light. A new light.

I kept telling you (and I’m sure you remember), “You’ve changed for the better!” “You are so much happier now” “You look so good, prettier!” “You have grown so mature and wise” and all the other remarks I had made to highlight the fact that I was so proud of your growth and happy to know a new and different side of you. I do not hold the highschool you against the current you, I never did.

Because I know that humans grow, they change, they evolve.

But if you choose to stay stuck in once place, be my guest. It appears that we won’t be seeing each other ever again anymore and that is perhaps for the best.

Goodbye, old friend.

[luiletulip]

dear little luika,

Look at how far you’ve come.

This is a letter for you, little one, I hope you come find this again whenever you need it. It will always be here for you.

Dearest little Luika, living in me, still, you will be alright. You will be fine. Great, even. My child, we will be alright.

I am writing this to you, little one, to remind you of how much you are loved. By God, by your family, by your friends, and by me.

I look at pictures of you and I think to myself: I wish I had made better choices for you, grow better. But we were growing together, and I had no clue of what was going on in life as well. I was just as confused.

Now older, and hopefully, wiser, I want you to know that I am here for you. I know you get scared, afraid of the unknown, uncertain of the future. You’ve always been thinking of what would be next, haven’t you? Slow down, little one. Enjoy every second of the life you are living.

The presence of people, taste of food, feeling of weather, and big emotions. My love, please do not take these things for granted anymore.

I am learning.

Learning to speak to me, to us, in a kinder, better, wiser way. I want to apologize for all the mean things I have called you.

Luika, you are not ugly, you are not dumb. You are not pathetic, you are not forgotten. You are not a second option, not to me. I will always choose you first from now on.

You are so loved, so very loved. The Creator saw you even before in Mama’s womb, and He thought you were good. Very good. He loved you - and He loves you still.

We will be alright, little one.

Let’s grow together.

Yours truly, loving you and learning to accept you as who you truly are, dear heart,

Me.

[luiletulip]

the ones closest.

It’s heartbreaking how the ones you hold closest to your heart can do something so little and crush it in an instant. Perhaps they hold the most power over said heart.

I am, again, having difficulty trusting people.

Depression is taking hold of my thoughts once more, lately, recently. Truthfully, I have no idea how to survive this. Everything feels painful, but my heart most of all. The pain, in most days, feel unbearable.

I only have my Wonie to ground me, keep me here, alive.

I want to take care of myself. I keep failing.

What do I do?

Perhaps if I didn’t get covid, if I didn’t let myself go and gained 20 kgs, if I didn’t chop all my hair off...

Perhaps.

But I want to grow from this. I want to move on. I want to move. I am taking off shackles one by one. I am trying. All in time.

Patience, my love, my inner child. Patience, persistence. We will get there soon.

[luiletulip]

l u i k a .