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maggie-writes-things · 2 years ago

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PANSYYYYYY PANSY IM CRYINGGG. OH MY GOOD ANYONE WHO SEES THIS PLEASE READ THIS. PLEASE> OH MY GOD THIS SI BEAUTIFUL, PANS

I think I showed @sparrow-the-tired-lesbian this...but like I'm posting it

So like a month ago I had to do a short story thing for writing, and it ended up being a 5,000 word thing of gay ppl and stars. I hate it- but everyone says it's amazing

Anywhoooo

TW WARNING. A CHARACTER DIES FROM A CAR CRASH, HEAVY SUICIDAL IDEALATION, AND A CHARACTER HEARS A VOICE IN HIS HEAD.

If I missed anything, tell me pretty please :3

Stella Luceat.

The rhythmic beeping of his monitor could be heard throughout the room.

Beep

A reminder of what is soon to happen.

A reminder of my luck.

A reminder of death.

The lights in the dank hospital room buzz. They’re too bright and would give anyone a headache.

I get up from my chair and move it to his bedside to hold his hand for what may be the last time. He and I. It was supposed to be us against the world. Us, against whatever would happen. We had plans, colleges, and lives. But he had to drive. He had to take me to it that night. What ‘it’ is, I may never know, as about 5 miles from the stop, we got T-boned by a drunk driver. Oscar was immediately knocked out. He didn’t feel the pain of the car crushing his left leg. Or the breaking of multiple ribs. Nor the slam of his head hitting the dash.

However, I did. I felt my arm break. I could feel my head slam against the car door. I experienced the pain at seeing the ambulance come and take his limp, cold, bloody, and broken body away. But that body was alive. It was alive, for now.

Oscar now lies upon his hospital bed, surrounded by his family and friends. We are all circled around him. I like to think he’ll make it. He’s more than strong enough to pull through, but I know he won’t. I saw how he looked. He looked dead already…I had thought he was. But these 13 days with him strapped up have done no good. He’s still in pain. He’s going to-

“Addam- “

I look up and I see Ben, staring at me. Ben is Oscar’s twin brother. They have been my best friends for 12 years. The two look so similar. Bright blond hair, green-grey eyes, and tall and lengthy. But Oscar has the height on the both of us. Oscar would always run around us and-

“Addam,” Ben says calmly, pulling me from my thoughts once more. It sounds like he’s talking to a lost child. “It’s time. He needs to leave.”

“No…no he doesn’t. He could make it. He’s pulled through before and he can- “

“Addam. He’s in pain. He hurts. He needs to go. Even if h- Oscar pulled through, do you think he would be okay? Do you think he could live a normal life? Do you wish for him to feel like that? Pain, all day, just because you couldn’t let go.” Ben knows it is not my choice. I know it is not my choice. Oscar is gone. But he’s here, as a shell of himself. He has been gone since the second they hooked him to the tubes and the wires that made the beeping.

The beeping.

I will never forget.

I couldn’t ever forget it.

Sitting at his bedside as the color drains from his face. My eyes traced over him for the last time.

My eyes trace his eyes, which used to light up under the stars. My eyes trace his nose, which he would press to my collarbone as we would dance. My eyes linger on his lips. Oh, how I wish to hear one more word from them. Any word at all. I wish with every ounce of my being for him to say “I love you” once more.

I wish for him to open his eyes, look up at me, and smile. Good lord, that smile lit up rooms. Brighter than every star we ever looked at.

Beep

..Beep

…Beep

…

One last breath, and he’s free. One last long, unending beep. He’s gone. Behind me I hear Oscar’s mother scream out for her son. I look over my lover’s face. All at once, I realize-

He’s gone. He is really, truly, gone.

And the world crashes down around me. The stars fall, the Sun stops shining, and the world turns a murky grey. I gasp and sob out. Dead. Oscar is dead. And there is nothing I can do. Nothing to bring him back.

Tears streak down my face as the families move around me to say goodbye, but I’m too far gone in my own head. The room is spinning, and my body feels like Jello.

Gone is dancing in his room past midnight, where the only noises that could be heard were our quiet laughs and the humming of his voice. Gone are the stakeouts in the woods at our spot, where we would whisper about the stars that night. Gone is chasing one another through the forest and tackling the other down just to lie on our backs talk of our futures. Our future…that was no more.

The future that you ruined. The future that you so cruelly stole from him that night he drove you. He shouldn’t be dead, you should be.

What- what is that? Who is that?

I am you. We are us.

Why are you…speaking to me?

Ah, but I am not. You are speaking to yourself. I am merely just a voice that you gave to the thoughts.

“Addam.”

I am quickly pulled from my thoughts. My face is wet and puffy, and the room was still spinning. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Earth would crack open right then and eat me alive.

“Addam, it’s time to go. There’s nothing you can do.”

I look around and realize everyone is gone, sans Ben. His mother must have left. No one had moved Oscar’s cold body from the room, and his hand was still in mine. I wished upon every shooting star I had ever seen that he would wake up and move to kiss right there. He always would kiss away my tears.

Once more I take in the room. The blinding bright white lights still buzzed. The room still was small, and the colors were dull and basic. The bed that my lover had spent his last minutes in still took up most of the room. But there was no beeping.

And yet, I heard it. It was there.

The beep, beep, beep, of his heart. His heart, that was no longer mine.

Ben walks over and rests his hand on my shoulder. He knows the hurt and the pain. He understands, as half of him is gone forever.

“It’s time. You won’t want to be in here when they take his body.” Ben’s voice is comforting, like a warm blanket. It’s keeping me tied to the Earth. If it was gone, I’d surely be sailing through space.

Slowly, and ever so carefully, I rise from the chair. I grasp Oscar’s hand closer to my chest and I commit to memory every line that ran over his body. Every millimeter of him. Then, I lean over him and brush the hair on his forehead away. I press a kiss to his head. I press a kiss to his nose. I press one final kiss to his lips. His cold lips that used to be so full of life. The lips that would have the loveliest words and songs spill from them. I fall into his limp body and hug it close. He smells like himself, but more sterile. Tears pool in my eyes and spill down from my face onto his scratchy hospital gown.

Ben’s hand rests on my shoulder.

It’s time. I know it is. But I can’t leave. He’s still in this room, and I can’t leave him.

“Oscar-“ I hear Ben sob a bit. He’s a mess too. “Oscar is gone, Addam. It’s time to leave.”

Gasping between my sobs comes my reply. “I know…I- I know. I can’t leave him. I can’t. Then he’ll be gone. He’ll be–“

“Addam, he is gone. He’s just…just a corpse now. Lifeless. They’re going to be here soon to take him. We need-“ Ben paused. A few more stray tears left his eyes. “We need to leave.”

Ben knows I cannot handle seeing them take my beloved away. It would break me more. I slowly get up from my chair, gently placing Oscar’s hand back on his bed.

Finally, I pulled away from the hug. Our last hug. Wiping the tears on my face out of the way, I lean down and press one last kiss to Oscar's forehead. Ben's hand is upon my shoulder, and he is pulling me from Oscar. I wouldn't ever leave.

We walk slowly from his bedside to the door; each step feels like the world is being set ablaze. I stop at the door and take hold of the handle. My hand quivers on the handle

Do it, wimp. You are no good to him now.

You killed him.

Your fault.

Your fault!

Sobbing out, I wrenched the door handle open.

Step one. My right foot is out the door. Oscar is still gone.

Step two. My left foot is out of the door. My body follows.

I turn around one more time to see Oscar. He still lies on the hospital bed, in his scratchy hospital gown, under the all-too-bright lights that would give anyone a headache.

I turn around and take another two steps. And then three. Four. Five. The steps continue until I am at the front of the hospital. Turning to face Ben, I realized he was struggling to leave his brother in that room. How it hurt him to take me from that room, because it pained him to leave too.

We both understand how it's different now. How we have both had a piece of ourselves so crudely taken from us. How we are to move on is beyond me.

3 months. 3 long, loud, and wretched months since he left me. At every turn, I imagine him. He is everywhere, he is nowhere. Everything hurts too much without him near, so I tend to lie in bed for most of the time.

It is loud in my mind. At all times. It sounds like me, but it is not. It tells me I am to blame for my beloveds, and I believe it.

Look at what you have done.

It speaks to me again. It is never not.

This is your doing. You are why he’s gone. Why must you go and ruin others’ lives for your own greed? Hm? Why were you so eager to see what he had for you? He would be alive had you just not shown how desperate you were. Desperate for his time.

I roll over on my bed. The voice…the voice is correct. If I hadn’t been so needy, so desperate, Oscar would be alive. Oscar would be beside me and laughing, not dead and underground. The voice is quite good at letting me know this. It always reminds me.

Worthless.

How could he have ever loved you, hm? How did he stoop so low just to be with you?

Look at you. You act like this even after realizing it was your fault. Why are you so pathetic?

I know. I know I am. I did this.

It should have been you. It should have been you in that crash. He should have lived, and you should have died. You show no worth to the world, so why stay? They all know it was you that killed him. It was you that allowed him to drive that night.

You’re right. You always are. It’s my fault. I should just end it. Ending it will relieve the others. Then they could move on. Ben and his mother could move on, knowing the murderer of their son was dead.

“Addam! Addam, are you there? Addam!!”

I come back to my senses. It’s Ben. Why is he in my room?

“Addam! What’s up dude! Hey, are you okay? You were mumbling to yourself, and it sounded kind of…not great.” Ben said. He sounded concerned. He shouldn’t be concerned.

“I’m fine Ben…thank you for asking.” I’m not fine. He knows that. Ben has been present for enough of the panic attacks and breakdowns to know I am not well.

The beep, beep, beep still echoes in my head. It’s like never ending static. The noise will forever bounce in my head.

“Addam, dude, it looks like you haven’t left your room in years-”

I quickly cut off Ben. “It’s only been a few days, Ben.”

“Whatever, the technicalities don’t matter…Here’s an idea! Why don’t we leave the dark dingey despair room and take a walk! Through the woods! You love the woods!”

You’ll only bother him. Decline.

Decline and rot in here. Alone. Like you deserve.

“Err, I am going to have to decline your offer, Ben. I don’t exactly feel up to it…” Hopefully Ben will just leave me here. Here, where I am not a burden.

“It wasn’t a suggestion, Addam,” said Ben. “You need to leave this room dude, or it’s going to start messing with you mentally. That’s not what Osc… he would have wanted is it? He wants you to live Addam.”

It is what he wanted. It’s what you deserve.

“Ben I-“

“Addam. Please, just a small walk through the woods. One small, tiny, walk to clear your head.” Ben was pleading with me now. Why he wanted me from the room confused me.

I sigh out. “…if I go, will you leave me alone?”

A smile spreads on his face. “Great! Er- I guess I’ll meet you downstairs?”

And with that, Ben turned to exit my room. But, before exiting the room, he turned to look at the wall that my desk is on.

Above the desk are a multitude of things. Band posters, constellation identifiers, year-round star maps, and pictures.

Pictures of the three of us growing up, with the earliest one dating to 2 weeks after we met. The most recent was of me kissing Oscar on the cheek, while Ben was in the background, making a goofy face. My favorite ones were from when we were 15. We had gone and slept out in the woods so we could catch a super moon.

I had three pictures from that night.

The first one was of the three of us, roasting hot dogs as the sun was going down around our camping spot. Ben was pulling his burnt hot dog out of the fire and frowning in the back. Oscar off was crying from laughter towards the left in the picture, and I was smiling at the front of the photo.

The next one was of Ben sleeping, as Oscar drew a sharpie moustache on him. Ben would wake up the next morning and be so mad. His sophomore photos had showcased the last bit of sharpie moustache that wouldn’t wash away.

The final one was one of my favorite photos. It was of me and Oscar as we watched the super moon. Ben had woken up and took the photo of us while we embraced and watched the moon.

Ben touched the photo of his brother drawing on him and smiled. He proceeded through the door but stopped again.

“He loved you more than every star he ever saw. He loved you so much Addam, and it would hurt him to see you like this…so please come with me, out of this room. Take a break from the sorrows and live a bit. Breathe in the woods with me, please.” And with that, Ben left.

Leave him. Stay in the room while you’re full of your self-pity.

I don’t listen to it. I need to have some time. And so, I tied up my all-too-long black hair and grabbed the black hoodie that was at the end of my bed.

Taking a deep breath, I put one foot out of the door.

He will change his mind. He will leave.

Another breath. Another foot.

And one more.

Eventually, enough steps to make it down the hall. Then enough to make it down the stairs.

Ben is at the bottom of the stairs. He was waiting. He didn’t leave.

He should have.

Ben breaks the silence. “Are you ready?”

“As I can be.” I said back.

Out the door we went. Immediately, I am hit in the face by the smell of autumn in the air. It caused me to shiver a bit, which made me thankful for my hoodie.

Ben led the two of us to the edge of the woods. Almost immediately, I calmed a bit. Ben looks over his shoulder to see me. He cracks a smile and walks on.

The woods, for quite some time, were a safe place for the three of us. As we grew, it became an escape from the world. Somewhere where nothing nor no one could get to us. The three of us met in the woods. Oscar and Ben were building a small fort together, and I had accidentally stumbled upon them. In the 12 years that have followed, we made that small fort our little secret decompression area; it’s most common use being for when one of us needed a break from the world.

As we walk through the woods, I am reminded of those wonderful times. It doesn’t hurt to think about it. Out here, the voice can’t find me. We walk onwards, stopping occasionally to see things that we did over the years. A tree or two with carved names, a few more with arrows pointing one way or another. A tire swing that Ben’s mother had helped to set up when we were younger. A little pile of branches that we made as young boys around the time we were obsessed with making forts.

At last, we make it to the spot. Our spot. Where we practically lived for years. Our little spot, where nothing was nor could go wrong. Essentially, all time would freeze whilst in our haven.

Ben sat down with a huff on the fallen trunk of the tree that passed through the middle of the spot. That trunk had been subjected to many expeditions, shipwrecks, and blast offs. It saw us grow up.

"So," Ben started. "Are you feeling any better?"

I took that question into account. Am I feeling better? If I was honest with myself, I would say no. But, I do feel a glimmer of joy, something I hadn't felt since he died.

"Yeah, I'm feeling a little better." I say, in hopes that Ben wouldn't worry as much.

"Mhm. And how sure of that are you? How okay are you really?" Ben counters.

"Really Ben," I start. "I'm feeling better. This helped."

I gave him a weak smile to prove my okay-ness. Ben raised an eyebrow...but eventually let me be. We sat there for quite some time until Ben got up to search for something.

"Ben? What are you doing?"

"It's here...it's on this log I know it-"

Ben continued to search along the trunk of the tree until he found it.

"Here! He told me it'd be right here!"

With a sigh, I get down off the trunk and walk to where Ben is hunched over.

There, carved into the trunk of the fallen over tree, is an O+A with a heart carved around it.

Oscar and Addam.

I felt my knees get weak.

Run. Run now. Look at what you have done.

Get out.

Get out now.

I walk back from the tree, careful not to startle Ben. Just far enough so I can-

Run. Now. Go. You did this.

Far enough away now. Run. I ran through the trees, low hanging branches smacking me in the face. My heartbeat speeds up and my breathing got heavy.

What am I running from?

Run. Harder. Escape now. Don’t let them find you. All you do is cause suffering and sorrows.

RUN.

My body is numb from the adrenaline; I can’t feel it at all.

Stop.

I stop.

Look at what you did. He’s dead now because of you. So desperate to see what he did for you. So needy.

I wasn’t- I just-

You just? Just what. You just needed his attention? You just needed him to be with you, hm? You needed him.

I cried out and collapsed on the ground.

Why did he have to leave? Why couldn’t we have more time together? In our world that we would shape for ourselves. Why couldn’t we have danced once more, or watched the stars again, or walked together and talked about our futures? A million things we could have done together. And now not one can be done.

Clouds surrounded my mind. My breath was heavy and sporadic.

That’s your fault. It was supposed to be you who died. Why wasn’t it you? Why did you and your worthlessness survive over him? He was better, smarter, but you lived.

I need to-I should just- I…

“Addam! There you are. Why’d you…oh.” Ben found me.

I hadn’t realized I was crying, but now that Ben had appeared, I was aware of the hot tears running down my face.

Ben quickly kneeled to where I lay on the forest floor. He helped sit up and sat down with me. We both just looked off into the distance for quite some time.

Worthless. It should have been you. Stupid. Stupid.

Ben put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. A few more tears fell down my face.

Run. Run now. Run away. He shouldn’t help you; you don’t deserve it.

Ben’s voice broke through the noises of the woods and my head. “Addam, we need to talk about what happened.”

“No, we don’t.”

“Yes, Addam, we do.”

“What is there to speak about Ben?! What is there to say.” My voice raises. I hate getting angry. Anger does nothing but hurt others.

Make him leave. Make him see.

“Addam! I’m worried! I want to know why…why you ran. I want to know anything. Everything! Just please tell me!”

With a sigh, I start. “Since he died my thoughts have taken a voice. It says that we are one, but it is constantly telling me…things.”

“Things?”

“Things.” I confirm. “Like…how if I wasn’t so desperate for his time, he would still be alive, or how it should have been me driving that night, because Oscar was better. How I should just leave, because no one would miss me. No one would look, and I would just help you guys move on…How it’s my fault that Oscar is dead.”

“Addam. Addam it was never your fault. Addam you almost died too. Please, please don’t say that. I don’t know how I would have moved on if I lost you both that night. It was never even close to your fault.”

All I could do was sit there.

“Addam…I want to show you something. I want to show you what he- Oscar wanted to show you that night. He told me what it was.”

Ben wants to…what? Ben knows what Oscar lost his life for. And he wants to show me it.

“Ben I-”

“Please, Addam. He was so excited about it. Let him have this.”

Ben rises from the ground and extends his hand to me. I slowly take it and get up. We walk back together, Ben never going too far from me.

Eventually, we make it to the front of the woods.

Run.

“No.”

“Sorry, what was that, Addam?”

“Oh- nothing Ben, something grabbed my pant leg.”

Ben grunted, and continued walking to the backdoor of his home. He opened it and let me in. The kitchen was clean and modern, as per usual. His mother was a clean freak.

The two of us trekked up the stairs and made a left into Oscars room. His room had not been touched since that day. His bed was left unmade, and his pillows were still on the floor from our pre-drive pillow fight. His desk was still a mess of school papers, his computer, and star maps. The computer was still open on it, but long dead now.

Ben shuffled over to the desk, where a piece of paper lay.

“Oscar woke once, while in his stay at the hospital. It was about 10 days after the crash. Only the nurse was in the room when he woke. He simply asked her to write down a few things for him. I got a note, Ma got a note, and you got one.”

“What?” I sputtered out.

“Oscar left you a note. Neither of us read it, it’s your’s dude.” Ben handed me the note and left the room.

It felt like the world was cracking open again. The poster covered walls in Oscar’s room were spinning. I had not realized my legs were moving until I had sat on the bed. Oscar’s bed. The note still rested in my hands. I held it in front of me for a second. It looked like a normal note, yellow lined paper folded over twice. With shaky hands, I opened the letter.

Addam-

Hello Starshine. How have you been? Assuming that this has been given to you, I am no longer on Earth. I want to start by apologizing for my early departure from your life, I intended for us to have more time together. Possibly grow old with one another. I wanted so much to be with you, and I am distraught at the fact that we won’t ever live out those fantasies.

My dearest, I could never imagine being in your shoes. You are so strong for carrying on after I took flight from your life. I could never live in a world that you weren’t in, and so I applaud you for taking it moment by moment.

In the months leading up to my demise (?), I had found something. I have discovered a star. For months, my beloved, I have spent checking every source that I can find, proving that the star is mine. And I am proud to tell you, the star is mine. Ours. I was able to prove that the star is truly unnamed and undocumented. I was given the option of naming it, and I did.

Dearest, do you know why I took you in the car that night? Do you know what I wanted to show you? I wanted to show you, our star. Do you know what I named that star, my beloved? I named it Stella Luceat. My love, do you know what that means? It means Starshine.

I named our star after the most important thing in my life, you. That night I was so rudely interrupted in showing you, my discovery. In the next year, the star will show in the month July. The day of the crash is when Stella Luceat is most noticeable. She will be spotted between Ophiuchus and Serpens. I have left the star maps for you to use to find her.

Last thing, my starshine. I want you to live, and I want you to know the crash was not your fault. You did all you could, my love. I have known you for 12 years, and you were never one to move on easily. I want you to be able to see the light that is in life again. I want you to go out and meet new people. I want you to live life to the fullest, because it is so, so, short. I want you to enjoy what the world has to offer.

My dearest, I love you more than every star I ever studied, every galaxy I saw, and every breath I ever took. I miss you more every day starshine.

My heart is forever yours.

-Oscar.

The hot tears poured down my face and onto the paper, and yet, I was smiling.

Starshine.

I never thought I’d hear that again.

His most used name for me.

I love him more than words. I wish with every ounce of my being to see his face, just to hold it once more.

His letter had helped more than words can describe. Oscar, just like that, was able to calm my ever-loud mind. His words were able to soothe me in a way that no one has been able to since his passing.

Still smiling, I laid back on his bed. It hurt a bit less now, but the pain was not gone. He was still dead, but Oscar had given me closure.

“Yes,” I think to myself. “All will be well eventually.”

9 months later.

I exit the door of my house, smiling. It has been a year since the crash happened.

And yet, I am giddy with joy and excitement.

Tonight, I see our star.

The star that Oscar found, documented, and named after me.

I grabbed my boots from the closet, and the hoodie on the end of my bed. Both are quickly put on and zoomed down the stairs. Ben is at the bottom of them, waiting with his brother’s star maps. He smiles at me and states, “Well, someone looks excited!”

“You would be too, jerk.”

“Are you sure? Are you so sure I would be excited about the stars.”

I huff. “Listen, if your partner went and named something after you, you would be excited to see it too.”

“Chill dude, I’m joking…any who- here’s the maps. Go have fun you nerd.”

I cracked a smile, “Thank you, Ben, have a good one.” and I’m out the door.

I stroll up to my car and get in. As I pull out of the driveway, I catch Ben standing at the top of the driveway and smiling. He knows how much this means to me.

As I drive to the spot, 15 miles from my house, I think about the past year. Ben has been such a help in my long and tedious trek back to normalcy. He has helped me to find a therapist, and he went in for a few sessions too; losing your brother at such a young age can cause one the not be the best mentally.

My therapist has helped quite a lot. Her constant support has been useful, and her willingness to listen to me talk about anything is helpful. The voice has not been back now for quite some time, and when I do hear it, the things it says to me can quickly be disproven. While there are harder days for me, getting up and being a person has proven to be easier with time.

Time. That is really what I needed. I needed time to realize I could have done nothing for Oscar that night. I needed time to heal from the shattering of my heart, and the massive hole in my life that he left.

I needed time to find myself again.

When I pulled into the field that Oscar was going to take me to a year ago, the sun is setting. The sky looked like a painting, full of blue, pink, red, and yellow hues. I parked the car and got my telescope out of the trunk, and I grabbed my sleeping bag.

I set up my small camp and texted Ben that I was safe. He liked to know things like that now. We all knew why, but nobody would ever comment on it.

The sun went down, and the moon rose. The stars came out, each one more beautiful than the other; but I was on a mission. I would find our star.

Eventually, I was able to spot Ophiuchus. Then I was able to identify Serpens. She was somewhere between the two.

The star maps were quickly pulled from my bag, and immediately got to work. And then-

There.

Right. There.

There she was. Our star.

She was beautiful.

To the naked eye, she’d look like any other star.

But to me?

To me, she was one of the greatest gifts ever given.

I settle into my sleeping bag and watch her. I just stared at the sky for hours, watching my star travel through the night sky.

I felt Oscar’s note in my jacket pocket.

He was here. Oscar was here. His presence was all consuming as I watched our star.

His final and greatest gift.

A sigh of relief left my body. I would be alright.

We would all be fine. All will be well again.

If it sucks- my bad

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