magic-roundabout

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i miss my grandma

How do you process grief?

by running from it until it finds me in the middle of a sunny street on a beautiful day

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i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you

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I think it was pretty recently I realized I don’t have that many friends because I’ve been used to being alone my whole life

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i just want to go home. pembrokeshire i miss you

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i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

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the fear of forgetting her voice echoes in my brain everyday.

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they should invent a grief that doesn’t define you in new and strange ways for the rest of your life

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death destroyed me

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– Jamie Oliveira | from "Erosion"

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i really miss some people sometimes but then i try to not allow myself to get reminded of the fact that I'm missing them because thinking about the fact that i am missing them hurts

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i think that indeed truly WAS MY LAST FUCKING STRAW

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if you ever need my location i'm always at the restaurant (i don't get over anything ever)

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do you remember how you would take me swimming every thursday? i hated thursdays. i would leave my classroom and you would pick me up and we would walk to the car - always a long walk. school run rush he would joke.

i would climb in and it would smell like you and i would have a pot in the back of dried apricots and fig rolls and... god i can't remember. why can't i remember. i could only have been 7 or so the last time this happened.

and we would get back to yours and go upstairs and he would bring us our drinks on that red tray. the glass cup with the flowers printed on, my china mug with the little girl on the bottom. remember when your desk was under dad's bunk bed? or was it ben's. i hope you remember because i don't. why can't i remember. i could only have been 7 or so the last time this happened. half a lifetime ago.

time is slowly wripping you from my grasp. i remember less and less but i grieve more and more. the reality of the situation only hit when i realised as i turn 18 i will have only known you less half my life. yet you know me all of mine.

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I just feel fucking horrible

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yesterday was so fun. thank you. you don't understand how deeply and truly i love you. i cant stop smiling remembering it.

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you actually need to stop. i move heaven and earth to meet you and you can't even fucking stick to the plans. i need you to commit. i need you to stop being scared of your own mother. stand up for yourself or admit that you're pathetic.

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Maybe in another life, under different stars, we could have had something permanent