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20 november 2017, 3:05AM entry 06 last week i helped host the trans week of awareness. i think it could have been more successful, but i think we can improve for next semester’s trans week of action. the vigil went so nicely and beautifully; i don’t think i expected the emotional movement that i experienced there. i met great, strong, and resilient people, though i think it’s sad we have to come together like that at all. still, it went nicely, and james gave me edibles and i had a nice night with grae and a space documentary haha. today was really great to start off my fall break. got to see dad’s side of the family and be social and eat good food, but most notably, i got on video call with grae and grae and nix too, and did that for a good couple of hours. and honestly, that was the MOST fun i’ve ever had on a call - a video call, too. when we were talking and laughing it felt so natural, like i was actually there with them. like a dinner guest or something. i want to be with them sooner rather than later. i am so very full of adoration and love for them over there, and i’m so comfortable and happy in their presence. thinking about them makes me feel warm and light, and im really excited to see them in february. best, a.k.

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09 november 2017, 11:20PM entry 05

this week has been really, really good.

for starters, i more or less accidentally confessed to the two people i had interest in on tuesday, which wasn’t bad or anything. i wasn’t asking them out, just letting them know how i feel, but everything is good there. it doesn’t seem like it should be categorized as “good” but it doesn’t hurt or sting much at all, maybe some disappointment, but it really doesn’t hurt like it did when discussing anything regarding feelings with nic.

im really happy where that whole thing went, honestly. to be so comfortable in a relationship as friends that a conversation like that doesn’t offset anything or change much. i can’t say this was the same case with caleb since i never felt deeply romantically interested in the guy, so this is a nice change. knowing im capable of feeling romantic things again is a bit of a... relief? like ive learned to trust my feelings on intimacy better, more closely, and not always have my last relationship being on my mind. i think im in a mental and emotional state thats ready for a relationship, but situationally, im just too busy to. maybe one day!

but, the main part of this entry: today has been the best day of this entire week, and probably the best in the past 30 days. i participated in my second trans panel with the same resource i did last spring, and it went as beautifully as it did last time.

there were four people on the panel including me; a trans guy, a nonbinary person, and a trans woman. as someone who identifies as both transmasc and nb, it was refreshing to have some different panelists since last semester it was all trans women (who were all awesome and inspiring to listen to).

sadie tagged along too when i invited her and asked some really engaging questions that really opened up discussion. i really love doing these panels and open-discussion educational opportunities because it lets down some of those walls cis people have in knowing whats “ok” to ask. there’s a time and place and level of how appropriate a “sensitive” question is and i think its a relief for all parties involved to have a “safe zone” discussion where people can ask their earnest questions with fluidity.

the two other students (the trans dude and the enby) didnt hit up dinner with us since they already had dinner plans, but i had dinner at basta again with the other panelist, the coordinator, and the coordinator’s wife, and got to have some fancy fuckin salad without spending a dime. during dinner we got to talk some more about trans stuff and the coordinator especially engaged in conversation with me about my career path.

and honestly? these panels and educational events are shaping my career path a bit and i ended up talking about that. i originally wanted to do counseling and didnt even think of education as a possible career. but the more ive thought about it, the more im entertaining the idea of becoming a professor on gender studies - specifically transgender studies, with a shitton of intersectionality along with it.

when i was talking to the coordinator he empowered and encouraged me a lot. i think one of the best compliments i’ve ever received was from him saying i “have a mastery of the english language” since it wasnt coming from a “oh ur an immigrant and have good english” sort of way HAHA. he sincerely thought i was articulate and that i was “beyond my years” which im really flattered by. when i mentioned im considering pursuing a phd in social work his whole face just lit up and he said to me, “you should. you will be absolutely wonderful as a professor. you will.”

and something about that really struck me so i wanted to address it. “will.” not “would be” or “could be” but “will.” i will be an amazing professor, or educator, or social worker, or wherever i end up, im going to be good at it and i think its moments like these i really fall in love with what i do and can be a little bit kinder to myself.

im really looking forward to the next panel.

best, a.k.

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07 november 2017, 2:03PM entry 04

OHHHHHH GOD OH BOY. currently writing this in a lecture about choosing a significant other and the difference between romantic and rational love, and thrilled that instead of nic coming to mind, it was someone else.

bad news, im absolutely getting cornered because im not subtle and took the wrong turn. oops. at least i can say its rational this time.

best? a.k.

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i diagnose you with i love you

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30 oct 2017, 10:10PM entry 03

i think i like somebody, and it isn’t actually all that bad.

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oct 29-30 2017, 3:09 AM entry 02

i should probably change the description from “daily” to “as i see fit” since keeping a daily log is some bit of pressure im not quite ready for yet, haha

today was good. invited sydnei and sarah over since i made too much food, and they were appreciative. sarah’s going through a really rough and messy post-breakup with garrett and it rang a lot of bells for me when i had broken up with nic. it was both cathartic and a bit bittersweet to share my experiences with her and explain a lot of what i had found in hindsight when we had broken up. i hope it gets better for her and we can laugh about it down the road.

i might end up rooming with syd or sarah or both of them next year. sarah still has to figure out her living situation but it’d be nice to share an apartment with them; less rent, some more social contact, and generally good vibes. i think lyle wouldn’t mind either. they all have very... chatty personalities. that might get draining for me, but at the same time, it’s a good balance.

belaed and interjectory good thought is i had dinner with sadie on friday. we got noodles. totally impromptu; we were gonna go to the swsa pumpkin patch thing but opted out cos it was literally cold as balls.

yesterday was dana’s birthday, and i’m a bit bummed i didn’t get to see her, though i saw her last weekend precisely for this reason. either way, it’s always a bit of a bummer to not see the person on the actual day. i get to see her soon for break though; i miss seeing her every day like in high school.

other good things that happened today was a PES exec meeting with ali and zainab. i think im finally getting into the swing of being president and not really being afraid to take the reigns a little more as needed for direction and... leading. duh. we hired our VP jessica today and im excited to start working with her. also apparently ali and i share the same birthday! so for one of our general meetings we’re probably gonna have a lowkey birthday bash. i really hope PES grows into something bigger than ourselves in the future, even after i graduate.

and last good thought of the night is that katsu is coming up. i get to see my best friends for the first time in person and i couldn’t be more excited. i’m probably gonna start a countdown once i get a new phone and actually have the capacity to download that app. im most excited to see some certain people, but i can admit that here since this is a diary.

best, a.k.

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no offense but im so full of love

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I’d say it’s pretty important to take joy in the little things! A cup of coffee in the morning, or tea in the afternoon… Those little things you really enjoy on the regular. For me, it’s sleepy good mornings and sunrises!

It’s the little things that save us all the most, and there’s no shame in that!

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it’s a nice thought

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Recovery doesn’t make you the person you were ‘before’. Recovery allows you to craft a whole new you with healthy coping mechanisms - don’t be too self critical if people tell you you’ve changed

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you are your worst enemy until you learn to treat yourself like a friend. sabotaging your efforts and relationships, convincing yourself no one loves you, not trying because you’re sure you’ll fail, being apathetic to everything is bc you think you’re not good enough. but the truth is you are good enough and you can be the best person you can be if you learn to change these thoughts into self-love and encouragement. listen to your needs and be there for yourself instead of destroying your health or abandoning yourself or your future.

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24 october 2017 entry 01

the morning kind of started like garbage; i didn’t want to go to class at all today, but the fact i got up and went anyway (after my 8:30) is worth something, i think. kiran and mirian are friendly freshman who are good to chat with before and after class, and it’s a little funny to look at them and see my younger self in them sometimes.

the weather has turned cold recently (like, today), so that means the sweaters and scarves and jackets can be broken out soon (like, today). i have a pea coat that i wore today and it’s really cute, feels flattering, and looks sophisticated, so i’m excited to wear that for the upcoming season.

i walked home with karli today, and im guessing we’ll be walking home from our HBSE class together every tuesday and thursday. she’s unbelievably nice and sociable, easy to talk to, and i feel like she genuinely likes my presence. she invites me out to a lot of things which is really new, so i think that’s something i want to practice if i ever find myself going out more often. i’m hoping she goes to the pumpkin patch visit this weekend. i didn’t get to walk home with sadie since she had to take a quiz, but i’m looking forward to seeing her again too.

lately i’ve been thinking a lot about my career decision and path, and i think i’ve found my niche. i’ve made a lot of friends in the school of social work in my brief time there. being surrounded by like-minded people is relieving, even if i don’t always feel empowered since not too many of the students are nonwhite or share my experience with stigma. still, there’s a weird comfort in knowing every student has gone through a trauma (is that messed up to say?).

i want to build an experience in my professional life that’s comfortable and empowering, like the MyIOWA weekend trip a while ago. im going to research orgs that are/have donated to the vegas shooting relief fund so i can put together something with swsa, and im going to talk to the director about bringing in a doctor from the LGBTQ+ clinic to do a presentation on LGBTQ+ health. i’m also doing another trans panel on the 7th, so im excited for that.

i think this first post is long since i want to fill up room and get a feel for journaling again. it’s odd and a bit uncomfortable to be writing in the first person about sorta mundane things. but i think i’ll get better at it, and that this is a good project to recap my day and wind down.

best, a.k.

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Love & Relationships by TUNA Dunn.

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How beautiful to find a heart that loves you, without asking you for anything, but to be okay.

(via shizucchi)