mahmoudmostafa-writings

[mahmoudmostafa-writings]

أكبر الخسائر التي أتحسَّر عليها كل يوم ولا أفتأ أنساها حتى أذكرها، ولا ألبث أتخطاها حتى أعود إليها وأقف عندها = احتياجي للأشياء المادية والمعنوية المهمةِ حينًا والتافهةِ أحيانًا، فأبحث في قوائم الاتصال ومحادثات وسائل التواصل عن اسمٍ واحدٍ ألقيها عليه أو أطلب بعضها إليه فلا أجد.

[mahmoudmostafa-writings]

I'm the person who feels at the highest of high, then low and lower, easily triggered by small things.

The way person looks at their phone while talking to me, makes me feel unheared.

Someone telling me to think positively or change, makes me feel unseen.

People telling me that suicide is for cowards, makes me feel misunderstood.

I find myself living someone normal and even happy one day and something triggers me and I quickly abandon everything and anything that I'm close to.

Relationships are the hardest, I find myself constantly pushing the people I love the most away while the voices in my head are screaming: "stop", but I can't. I begin to destroy the relationships I care about the most.

At many times I find myself a burden and impossible for anyone to love me, yet sometimes I shine, so bright and pay left but it can easily turn to dark when I'm triggered by some small hurtful claming.

Anger pulses through my body and I struggle to control the darkness.

In order to control the pain, I can inflicit harm on my body, don't attend exams, eat and sleep too much or never eat or sleep, telling myself: "I deserve it" or to prove that "I'm still alive."

There is a constant thought of not wanting to live with that I carry (feel).. Sometimes it feels a warm blanket but sometimes I feel trapped in a nightmare.

trusting people is difficult, there can be a fear that they will see how real and how dark that I believe is unlovable.

It's difficult to express how I really feel and I end up appearing like a tornado, a warrior in a dark forest with no compass, unable to feel safe, feel like the world is against me.

When the darkness becomes strong, I begin to implode, desroying myself and any trace of me.. then I have two choices: reaching help or attempting suicide.

I think I'm resilient enough, trying again and again despite of suffering so deeply. I push on searching for hope, passion and love...