maklithinkingoutloud

[maklithinkingoutloud]

I just promise myself for the last time, I will no longer question why, how, why me? And stuff, I will give my best, as much as I can and give Neet pg this year without andy guilt or regrets and then I promise myself to reward myself with all the hobbies and 'to do latter stuff or after exam stuff'. I will definitely give myself a guilt free life after that.

Just show up, tired, broken down, frustrated, just show up.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

“Inch by Inch”

I don’t want to whine.

Don’t want to kneel to some god,

hoping He’s watching me break

just to overcompensate with glory

like some cosmic refund.

But that hope—

that foolish, flickering,

fragile thing—

it lets me cry.

It empties me

so I can reload

with overachieving delusions

and messianic missions

to conquer it all.

Everything.

At once.

Because that’s how I roll.

I start walking,

long strides — one, two —

then the old tiredness creeps in,

like it pays rent in my bones.

It knows my address.

I know this spiral,

this cursed loop I call momentum.

Circling. Always circling.

But it’s the only way I know to move.

Sometimes,

I try to escape it,

cut a tangent,

use the centrifugal ache

to slingshot into something new.

But resistance laughs.

Friction wins.

I lose my fire before I even move an inch.

But an inch is ahead.

Still.

So I cry again.

For the cost.

For the drain.

For the inch that cost a mountain.

And once I’m emptied,

I do what I always do—

load up on hope again.

Not because it works.

Just because I don’t know what else to do.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

I am waking up in a softy cloud like bed, in middle of it, with a smile cause I like the things i am gonna do or excited for a new hobby i just found. Woke up to a small apartment, no rooms, cozy living area with kitchen on side, not so crowded, but a swing on side or swing sofa/bed, comfy. A whole wall balcony on side with flowers and decorated balcony with plants and a small table and cozy chair in balcony to a beautiful sea view. I wake up, brush my teeth do the personal business and skincare, make coffee, and enjoy my coffee in balcony, its early morning so no rush, everything is calm outside, may be I read a book and get lost in the fictional world, then I come back to do solve a functional puzzle which i just ordered online, or do embroidery or make my own dress with music on side, then alarm rings and i start making breakfast for myself, something light and healthy, then i dress up, comfortable casual and classy, tread is compulsion, do light makeup just because i like and i want to. Then drive my car, though nit fancy but functional, to my job, nothing heroic, just alive. To a college, I work as a tutor or educator, I wish my staff, settle in my office and see the stuff I have to do today, its a lecture, i have already made a ppt and am prepared for that, so i go to lecture auditorium and express myself with whole confidence and smile and energy, I like to speak, I want to teach and I make the subject intresting for students, i make them revise stuff with fun. Then after lecture I do lunch with my colleague, i have made many friends and I enjoy spending time with them. Then in evening I move to my office and plan for next lecture or upcoming exams and stuff. I return home at 5, change my clothes and go to dance class or zumba or badminton or any new physical activity hobby I am exploring, or maybe its Saturday and I have planned an outing with one of my friends, drinking coffee with good view or going shopping or movie, return home at 8 or 9, make healthy salad or light dinner for myself, watch telivision or read something calm and sleep again as new day with more creativity is waiting ahead.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

The main character knew she was slipping. The days felt heavier, her motivation flickering like a candle in the wind. She watched others sprint ahead while she struggled to keep her footing. Doubts whispered in her ear, telling her she wasn’t enough, that she was wasting time.

But what those whispers didn’t know was that she was stubborn. She wasn’t the kind to give up, even when the odds weren’t in her favor. She might not have the perfect study plan, she might procrastinate more than she’d like, but she showed up. Every single day, she showed up.

And that’s what made her dangerous. She wasn’t just preparing—she was surviving, adapting, learning. Maybe she wasn’t the fastest or the most disciplined, but she had something better: resilience. And that? That could change the whole game.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

Could I really do it?

Like really reach where I want? I don't know maybe yes maybe no but I will try, I am gonna give my best. Liking the adrenaline I get with it!

[maklithinkingoutloud]

It's okay it's fine. Stabilise youself, you have done enough, you will surly find your way out.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

I just have to keep expectations low from myself and everything would be fine. Survivable. I need not to show everyone nor myself that I am good at everything. In that way I will move one more spet ahead to perfection which has now started biting me more.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

I am so tried of everything and life in general. And the main part is I can't even see anything good coming out of all the struggles pain and torcher I am going through. Just going deep into the darkness with every single step. So many expectations just from myself. I need ho be smart, beautiful, brainy, calm, funny, understanding, collected and never hurt anyone or anything, always getting better. Like this is too much for me. And I don't k ow how to just stop it. I need to have everything but also should not ask for anything. I am just so so done with myself and my complex emotions.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

Is it okay if I could not study today, is it okay if I sat with my book open and wander my mind else were, is ut okay that I again sleep with the hope of better tomorrow with no good today, I am so afraid that it will bite me back, cause the pain which I could not tolerate and leave scar which will remain forever with deep regret in within. I am so afraid of the consequences that may follow.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

Could I love myself? Every version of me? One which is happy and bubbly and sarcastic, one which is egoistic and looks like will bite if you come near, one which is caring and always ready to help, one who is stupidly giving without considering, one who is understanding and comforting, one who is always conflicted if she is helping or being used, one who is considering, one who is pestering, one who looks confident and well dressed, one who thinks if she is overdressed, one with good hair and fair skin, one with thick legs and hairy body, one who is never seen crying, one who cries even on a thought, one works hard and study more, one how daydream whole day and end up being sad and guilty without fail, one who is strong grown up, one who has a little anxious afraid girl within, one who appears having get togathered, one who has immense uncertainty and fear, one who walks confidently, one who is anxious at every small task, one who has gone through a lot to get what she has, one who feels undeserving and simply lucky for everything, one who has sky rocket expectations from herself, one who is afraid to put some on others, one who wants to speak for herself, one who let go to not to hurt, one who has courage to break down the mountain, one who crumble down when she has a minute sickness, one who has everything planning, one who fears consequences and uncertainty, one who judges and understand, one who doesn't approve herself, one who want to be accepted as she is, one who herself feels unworthy of seeing in mirror, one who wants to love and being loved, one who doesn't ask for it, one who forgives easily, one who never forgets, one who is mentally strong, one who gets hurt easily, one who wants to be considered, one who doesn't consider herself worth considering, one who wants happiness, one who doesn't know how to digest it, one who wants to go to different places, one who cannot enjoy it, one who is ready to adjust everywhere, one who can not accept anything less, one who has learnt to smile at every step, one who loses inner light at small inconvenience, one who is good to others, one who wants to hurt the near ones for their unintentional attacks, one who wants love and care, one who doesn't want to demand it, one who wants respect, one who doesn't consider herself worth it, one who want to conquer the world, one who wants to just quit and let go, one who wants lavishness, one who doesn't want to pay the price, one who wants to love blindly, one who is afraid to even trust, can I love this all versions of me. Can I approve and appreciate me in this current me, without working for it, without getting "Dr" or without giving extraordinary vivas, without being slim, in my fat body which has many complications, with my wandering mind and emotional soul, can I love everything of me, can I not be ashamed of me can I be proud of myself for what I have been through and what I am going through, can I stop considering my struggles silly and be kind to my self, can I treat myself without sympathy and with respect? Can I just love, approve, appreciate and respect myself?

[maklithinkingoutloud]

I am proud of myself for just to hold on, when days are worst and I don't see any ray of hope coming on. when I feel like I am done and nothing is left in my core I still hold on. I still hold on when I spent whole day holding a book and can't reed a sentence or two, when my mind takes over me and when my guilt eats me up I still hold on , I still hold on and go again for the next day in hope, same way I have spent many years in row, still I can see many more yet to come and go through, I am afraid of being break and blow, but I can't just let go, I can fight if the enemy is on the other side, but can I do when it is in my own. Taking over me and shaking me up to the core, I still jope to have courage to cope.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

Can anyone tell me why am I thinking how my close ones react if I die today, just because I have a headache when I am in the middle of my exams with tons of content to read within few hours!

[maklithinkingoutloud]

Is it okay not to have the best?

Is it okay to settle for less and not to have the best,

is it okay to slow your pace and try not to win the race,

is it okay to hold into peace and not grind to succeed,

is to okay to accept that you don't get it all and not to hussle to round everything up,

is it okay to avoid life that is hard and not to give in to fear of missing out.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

"You grow up when you learn to let go,

But don't forget to fight and glow.

You grow up when you understand more,

Yet take a pause and let your spirit soar.

You grow up when your dreams you chase,

But it's the inner change that's the real embrace.

You grow up when you aim for the stars so high,

And forgive yourself when the mistakes fly by.

You grow up when you care for others near,

But in your own heart, you must also be dear.

You grow up when responsibilities you take,

But keep your passions alive for your own sake.

You grow up when you earn what you require,

Distinguish needs from wants, your true desire.

You grow up when you seek inner peace,

Find a moment to let your worries cease.

You grow up when you follow life's call,

But never forget to be yourself through it all."

[maklithinkingoutloud]

Even when my day starts with ear inflamed,

And stuffy nose, I dare not be tamed.

A syncope's grip as I wake from my bed,

But I carry on, no weakness I'll spread.

Through shivering cold, I march in my stride,

With friends who've moved on, I'll not let them hide.

In my meditation, I pause for a breath,

But I dare to continue, defy thoughts of death.

Uncomfortable clothes I struggle to wear,

Doubts cloud my mind, it's a burden to bear.

My soul cries to stop, but I'm not afraid,

I dare, and I dare to see how I'm made.

I wonder if fate could deal a harsh blow,

And I'm amused by the thought, you should know.

If my misery pleases God's divine plan,

I dare to witness it all, yes, I can.

With a smile, I'll accept and I'll say,

It's okay, come what may, in every way.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

I dare to smile and say it's okay,

Evn when my day begins with inflamed ear and stuffy nose, and a syncope as soon as I woke, even when I deal with shivering cold, even when my friends do not wait for me anymore, even when I stop in my mid "om", even when I can't find comfortable clothes to put on, even when I don't feel I can study and score, even when my soul shouts to stop and be done; I dare, I still dare to carry on with whatever energy and hope remaining in my core, wondering if this could go more wrong and being amused with the thought that it could, If my missery amuses god and he thinks "challenge on"; I dare, I still dare to witness it all, smile and say it's okay.

[maklithinkingoutloud]

You grow up but actually you don't;

You grow up when you learn to accept and let go but actually you don't when you can't fight for what you want.

You grow up when you start figuring out for yourself and others but actually you don't when you can't halt.

You grow up when see yourself achieving things you always wanted but actually you don't when you can't bring the change in you.

You grow up when you the great things you have dreamt of doing but actually you don't when you can't allow forgiveness for your own small mistakes.

You grow up when you start taking care of people around you but actually you don't when you can't remember yourself being one of them.

You grow up when you start taking responsibilities but actually you don't when you leave behind your hobbies.

You grow up when you start earning things you need but actually you don't when you can't differentiate between the things you need and don't.

You grow up when you aim to be at peace but actually you don't when you can't even take a pause and be at ease.

You grow up when you start living life the way you should but actually you don't when you can't live it the way you want.