makrof

[makrof]

The storm

As days go by, I've been slowly starting to feel a little bit more like myself. I had been afraid for too long to even think of letting go of you. You knew exactly how to feed my life-long fantasies of love... You made me turn my whole life around, you got me away from my husband, my family, my country... I left it all in a heartbeat for you, because I blindly believed in every word that you said... and looking back its completely INSANE!

To my disgrace all this was an act you were putting up... I didn't know I was dealing with a man in a mask who had a personality disorder. I was fooled at the worst possible time in my life by the greatest CON man... you raped my soul so deeply.

I'm slowly starting to forgive myself, and slowly the sun has been starting to shine again in my life... I don't know still what's going to happen with my life, but im taking it one day a time. You might have taken everything away from me and left me picking up all my pieces, but you didn't take my soul. You didn't take my essence. I'm still here, I still have smiles on my face and my heart still sings.

Slowly I'm starting to realize... we're from two different worlds and in no reality were you supposed to even be breathing the same air that I was. Something glitched in time and for a brief moment you were lucky enough to even had a word from me... let alone my whole self. It amazes me at how you let me go, or how bad you handled everything... you should have been down on your knees thanking God for the GIFT he somehow gave you... sadly, at my expense... you need to be really stupid to have let this go, and yet... you did.

I represented a way out of the disgusting, lonely and fake world you live in... I offered you unconditional love, a family and something real.

I doubt you'll ever get the same opportunity... opportunities like these come once in a lifetime. I would give my whole life (and I did) to have a love like the one I gave you... and I pray to God he I get to have it one day.

But Im gone now, and every passing day the sun is shining brighter, and there will come a day when I don't think about you at all... I'll let the storm fly your kite away, away from everything that I am and you'll never be able to touch me again.

[makrof]

A letter to myself

I'm sorry... I'm sorry I deliberately put you through this...

I knew how much this would hurt you, but I guess I didn't realize just how much and just kept going. I trully believed it would work out... contrary to what everyone was saying.

I'm sorry I let you pour your heart out and trust blindly... I knew the regret that you carried from years back and thought this would make it right. I'm sorry it made you doubt yourself and love even more now than ever. I'm sorry this destroyed you... completely. I see that now.

I'm sorry this re-shaped your whole life and that now it is you paying the consequences for my actions. You lost your family... you lost years and years of what you had been building, all in a split second. Now your little kids that you so much dreamed of will grow up in a broken family, your dream of the ideal family is now shattered and you are inevitably again... Alone. Desperate... Used.

I know you had been unhappy for years, but maybe thought it was just you because nothing ever is enough for you... but I really don't think that's the case... you just settled.

I know your heart longs for something deep and real, I know your heart longs for a kind of love, a kind of love that you believe only you feel, but then again, if you are capable of loving in such way, why not believing you can find a love like that? I know you're scared of never finding it.

I do not understand why he would not want you. Not after everything you went through together... or maybe was it just you alone? I'm sorry for all the anger, fear, insults and loneliness that you had to endure. I'm sorry for the lonely flights, for the fear and the vulnerability I put you through repeatedly. I'm sorry I put you through this and made you go back again and again because I cared so much about him. Because I wanted to understand his pain and I wanted to stand by him so his heart could finally find comfort... I do not understand, but he kept showing me he did not want it and yet... I made you stay. I'm sorry I cared more for his heart than I cared about yours.

I'm sorry for all your pain, I'm sorry for all the tears you've so desperatly cried... I'm sorry for all the sleepless nights and anxiety you've been going through...

I'm sorry I made you believe you had finally met the love of your life... I'm sorry I made you fall in love faster and harder than you've ever fell for anyone... I'm sorry I made you give SO much of you... for nothing. I'm sorry for all the lies and desperation, no matter what, I do not believe you deserve to be going through this.

I'm sorry I did this to you... but at least we're together in this and we can start gathering our pieces and maybe we can build something new and maybe better. I know you believe your life will now be a lonely one, and who could ever want you? You've got 2 kids and time is going by... I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Stand by your values and don't flake... I beg you to keep your essence and to be patient... Goodness will come... happiness will come... Sunny days will come back. I promise. I'm sorry you're alone in this and the people that you most loved turned themselves on you. I'm sorry you feel alone, but look around you, you aren't.

I've been by your side through the sleepless nights... through dreams where your mind plays cruel tricks on you, through your tears... I need you to let go. I know you do not understand why you were played in such a cruel way... nobody desserves this. I do not understand it myself, but I do apologize for making you stay through it while the signs were pretty clear.

I know it hurts... I know just how much. But hey... I've got you.

[makrof]

If no one will love you

I'm sorry you couldn't love me... I'm sorry you don't even know what love is. I'm sorry you couldn't see this... because I believe I was a gift to you.

I'm sorry you failed to appreciate what I gave you... the precious gift I was for you and gave you for a brief time in my life... the precious gift of real love. "you're asking too much of me" you said. No, you simply cannot GIVE anything, because you are so empty. I tried to fill you up with my light and my laughter...but you did not want this... and I see this now... which is why I walked away. I cannot keep giving to someone who cannot take. I cannot keep giving light and receiving darkness... I cannot keep smiling for a blind man.

Ultimately, no matter how much I did love you, and still love you... you never matched my energy. You dimmed my light and threw me to the ashes of the fire that burns on love. You threw me into darkness...

Your inability to see this will never undermine my worth, I know this now. In this whirlwind I found a very important thing about me... something I didn't know. I was unaware I wasn't seeing myself, and you know what? I LOVE myself... so deeply much. I SEE myself! You know what? I'm so friggin REAL... I'm so frigging unique and different. I feel SO alive... I've got so much to give to this world, that I will now give myself... and I know that as I do this, everything thats reall will also start following me. This time in my life is for ME.

You know... Not everyone is capable of being with real awaken people because they haven't worked on themselves... they're just sleeping... they're blinded by the trash, so much trash there is in this world. I REFUSE to be a part of this worlds TRASH. I refuse to have my light dimmed... I will not be hurt by you, or anyone else who can't really see what LOVE is really made of... what HAPPINESS is really made of. What being TRUE to someone really means.

I refuse to ever again fall into someone who does not SEE me.

I will go down on my knees and pray to God to someday meet this other half of mine... I will not waste more time on anyone until I'm SURE I share the same vision with someone. I will not be blind, I will not Ignore this anymore.

I see that know... All my life searching for someone to love me... when really all I needed what just to see my own light SHINING! and Boy I shine so bright.

[makrof]

sos

Somebody please... help me. I am drowning, im running out of air.

Somebody please... somebody please just help me please,

please... anyone?

Can anyone hear me? Anybody?

Please...

please help me.

... please

[makrof]

Catch Up

How long has it been?

That long? Sure doesn´t seem that way... I feel so ashamed to even think about this. To feel that it´s been so long; to know that it´s been so long. Let me set the record straight... I think of you most days. For the past 14 years... and i hate it. I really hate it, and I cannot understand it even though i´ve tried endlessly. I don´t try to understand it anymore.

Let me set something else straight. No, I didn´t ¨forget¨ about your birthday. I deliberately chose not to write. Why? Because I didn´t think you wanted to, and honestly you haven´t exactly been... there. So I convinced myself not to. At all. Ever. I´m not blaming you, whatever... it´s ok. It´s been too long. It´s just confusing the way you don´t want me in your life, but at the same time you do. And I´m not so good at being confused, I´m very ¨it´s black or it´s white¨.

Let me set something else straight. I´m not ¨in love¨ with you. Take it with a grain of salt... I just want you in my life, because I don´t know how to ¨not¨ care about you. I really do care about you... I do want to be just friends. I think we can do it. Maybe. You once told me ¨we don´t connect that way¨ and maybe we don´t, I understand, and I agree it´s true. But we both have lives, and I much rather have you in my life as a friend, than not having you at all.

So let´s catch up.

Let me begin. There is something I need to place over the table before we even start... I´m no longer the person you used to know. I´m simply not. In essence? Yes probably. But even so more now than ever... If you want to know who I am today after all these years, just ... intensify my beliefs.

So here it goes.

One word: Autism.

I don´t have it, (or maybe I do... for all I know I´m weird AF.)

My son does though.

This was something that impacted my life more than you will ever know... it became who I am, the reason I breathe and the reason I almost didn´t make it out. I went through a dark DARK period in my life and I went though it ALONE (not voluntarily I assure you).

Nobody prepares you for this... but I can tell you one thing... It is TOUGH, it is DARK and it is SAD... but it is SO DAMN rewarding.

I don´t talk about it much, and I kind of don´t like to look back to that time; I´ve been to all kinds of therapists that... maybe helped a little... But at the onset, I kind of naturally diverted from the ¨emptiness¨of life and I fully devoted to my son. I no longer talk or hang out with the people I used to (they naturally left, and it was difficult), I no longer desire the same things in life, I no longer care about, well... anything really. I care about family, I care about love and essence, I care about truth, and I care about carrying my son out of this (I do believe that I can, and I know that I will). So basically... I´m devoted to this calling. I think I kind of lost myself through the years and I sort of resent this, but I don´t believe I have another option. I am fighting for my and my son´s happiness, and I am fighting HARD. I promised him. As you may know, I have another child that also needs me, so my life is mainly just trying to juggle with all of this.

So what have I been doing? Basically trying to avoid falling again into the abyss that depression is... I´ve been crying (or trying not to), traveling and reading; I´ve been driving back and forth to therapies (for years)... I´ve been spending ridiculous amounts of time by myself, I´ve been taking care of my mind and my body, I´ve been praying and building a healthy relationship with God, and I´ve been learning to love and accept the life that I was meant to have. A life that really, I chose... or maybe it chose me. Who knows.

It´s a different life you know... It´s a little lonely, but it´s kind of growing on me. It completely and absolutely changed me and humbled me, and maybe that was my calling in life... to evolve and experience INTENSE feelings of real and pure love.

So there you have it.

By the way... I miss you.

[makrof]

Que ganas!

Que ganas de ser alguien! 

Que ganas de existir! 

Que ganas de tomar control! 

Que ganas de evadir estos comportamientos compulsivos! 

Que ganas de ser yo! 

Que ganas de saber... de saber mas!

Que ganas!

Pero no quiero. 

[makrof]

Its been some days without you... I'm thinking how come I haven't heard from you? Other than the occasional hello. I'm not sure what I'm feeling, our love is hanging from a thread. I'm not sure how I feel about that either, other that the occasional tear I shed. There's so many memories I'm not ready to let go of, like our beautiful wedding day. But you're so distant, you're everywhere but near. Your eyes always on your phone, your thoughts always somewhere else. It seems like everywhere we go, you'd wish you were not there. I'm thinking maybe it's not near me that you want to be, maybe you've never really loved me, or maybe that you've never really known love. Don't ask me how I feel, i don't even know. I've tried, and I'm not sure I want to keep trying. I also think I stoped trying a long time ago, or maybe I never really tried, I just got tired. I'm thinking maybe I should leave, but I'm not sure I really want to... Maybe I don't desserve happines, It's just a recurrence I have to go through, but I've never really been loved and I'm not sure I ever will.

[makrof]

I always feel the need to write, but I don´t often do. So much time has gone by, and it scared me a bit. It scares me that I´m no longer the same ¨young¨ Marianne, but then again, nothing has changed much. I´m still the same, I still want the same things, and I´m still pursuing the same things. I still feel the need to live an intense life, with intense feelings, and I´m still looking for a way to live this life I want so much. 

I will never have that life I want so bad, because I have this other life I´m actually living, and it´s pretty good... you don´t always get the house of your dreams, but you can come pretty close. I don´t mean this in a literal way. I am happy. I could be happier, but I´m happy. I have every single thing i NEED, set aside the things I want. I have the most important things in life; health, shelter, food, family and love. 

I don´t want these ¨needs¨ I sometimes feel to become an obstacle into living i a a way where every day is special. Every day IS special, and it will never come back. I want to live and breathe, I want to love and smile. I want to cherish what life gave me, and I want to make this happiness that has always been around & I was so blessed to have, be as awesome as happiness is. 

<3 

[makrof]

You

You are simply the sweetest thing that has ever happened to me, and I really mean ever.

You are light, and if I could find the words to even describe how much love and gratitude I feel for you, flowers would be sprouting from my feet and hands. Could you imagine how beautiful that would be?

You are such a pure soul and staring into your eyes gives me such peace, and that small grin you give me as I do this sets my roots into the ground.

As I sob uncontrollably, you sit by my side and say no words. Just a small touch of your hand runs through my body, comforting me, planting seeds on me. I fall asleep.

As I bloom in the morning, the first thing my eyes see is you. How wonderful this is, and how blessed I am to be loved by a soul like you. Maybe I do deserve you, maybe at the end of this all, you were all I truly ever wanted.

[makrof]

Layla

I parked the car, got out... and there she was... 

Not too short, not too tall... 

She looked straight at me and I looked straight at her. She glanced at me with her strange beauty, a beauty I haven't really ever fell for.                                             I walked towards her, and she stood up. I swear, we fell in love. I knew she was for me and she knew I was for her. I was running out of questions with the store clerk, just buying some time to be next to her. Standing next to her was so energetic.I wanted to take her home so bad... She begged me to... I knew all of her wanted to. I knew all i took was a simple decision, but I couldn´t and i wondered WHY!? Why can´t I just do what I feel like doing for ONCE? 

I left, with pain in my heart, tears in my eyes and not understanding why. I left feeling like a little girl who´s mom would´t buy her the candy. 

You know, there is really only ONE bad thing about all this... I can´t really fit a rescue dog in my apartment. 

Hope you find a beautiful family Layla. Or whatever they choose to name you. 

[makrof]

I do not know in what exact moment I went into a sleep-like state and then suddenly all my life passed by. 

I suddenly feel like I woke up being a 29 year old adult, my siblings moved out, my parents got old, my dogs died, got a new dog, my grandparents are sick and my parents aged. And the I´m like.. wait... WHAT? Even I moved out, got married and now this adult man comes home to me every night, i seriously need to cook dinner or else i simply starve, my apartment is a mess because I seriously don´t have time to fix it, and when I do I just feel TOO tired to do so. 

When did all this happen? I just feel terrified of what´s to come, like, what´s next? Do I like, need to get pregnant? JESUS CHRIST NO! IM A CHILD! or was that like AGES ago? 

My girlfriends can´t hang out anymore because they´re home taking care of their TWO kids, yup, round 2 for them, and then they all get together for their children´s ´play dates´.  They invited me at first, and then they just stopped. Obviously. LIKE!  I´m not bringing a BABY out of my ---  just because I want to go to ´play dates´ RIGHT? 

I want to TRAVEL! I want to WRITE! I want to DREAM! I want to CREATE! And I also really want a cup of hot chocolate... brb.

Ok back, anyways... ah... my chocolate is good. 

[makrof]

HA!

It´s been AGES since I really felt inspired to sit and write something that really isn´t depressing. Guess im just UP in my roller coaster today.. or moment. 

How beautiful is life? It´s just as beautiful as it let you see it, it is not our surroundings which give us happiness... It is just US, and our ability to love ourselves. JUST SAYING!  <3 Life is yellow today. 

Good Night! 

[makrof]

This time, forever

I’ve heard the way you speak about me, I can sometimes see a sparkle in your eyes. I can sometimes understand the strange way you love me. I can sometimes understand what is hidden in your mind but yet not understand.

You aren’t very creative or passionate, you never speak your mind or your feelings, but still here I am, 100 days from marrying you. 

Look at me, I chose you. Here I stand with a shattered heart, shattered by old loves that didn’t work out, stading here at the end of this all, a “happy” ending to my story. I am happy you know? I truly and deeply love you in such a different way I have ever loved anyone before. My love for you isn’t what you could call “intense” or “magical”, it is simply love, pure and real. I do not feel despair, I do not feel attached, with you my love is free. This is why I love you. 

I love you because I’m free. I love you because I don’t even care, I’m not even sure I can feel anymore, I no longer believe in fantasies. I do not love you with feeling, I love you with essence. 

I can say I still love every other boy i’ve falled deeply for and I never will stop loving them, but life gave me you, and I’m marrying you. This time, forever.

[makrof]

A turtle

A couple of days after I met you, I sat down to meditate and reached you. It was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. 

It was watching the stars in the ocean, and told me to wait, to be patient. It spoke of desperation and love. There were tears. 

It told me many things, but you spoke others. 

[makrof]

September... Septembers are so beautifully filled with light and a thin cold air anticipating winter. Septembers have always been special to me... 

Every September I think of you; I think of how you looked, I think of the brief words you spoke to me, I think about how we said goodbye and the few minutes I got to stand next to you... I think about how I never got to see you again, I think about how much time has gone by, I think about life and destiny and I also think about visiting a psychologist, to be honest.

How is it even possible that 4 years later I still feel you so intensely in my heart? I wish you could give me an aswer, or atleast tell me I´m not alone in this, but sometimes I think that I am, for you´ve said good-bye so many times.

I can´t even say I had to carry on with my life, because you were never in it, not really. I´m not sure if I created an unreal image of you and this is what is in my head... but it´s every bit of you that makes me feel this way, the little bits I do know. It´s the way I think of you, of your remarkable talent, of your deep voice, of your writing, your stories, the long nights we spent texting, our dreams, the way we wanted to be together so badly, the way we were once so close, the way you spoke to me, your words, your eyes, the peace you exhale, what I felt when I was standing next to you... it was a presence I cannot explain, your passion for life, sharing our books, helping you out with your stories, the way you listened to me, how we grew so much together,  thinking how far you´ve gotten in your career... it makes me so happy, It makes me so deeply happy when you´re happy, I cannot explain.

There´s periods of time I convince myself to let go and move on, but life always brings me back to you. Everytime I want to share something I know you´d love and nobody else does, everytime I think about how perfect we would be together, every time I think about happiness... every time I think about life and how it´s so short. I just never really ever met anyone else like you. I want you to be happy... even if it isn´t with me. Saying this brings tears to my eyes... 

I think about getting on a plane sometimes and just knock on your door and say HEY!!! I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! 

But i know that maybe I shouldn´t and I know you have a girlfriend and I respect that... I have a boyfriend too and I love him, don´t get me wrong... But please understand.... say you understand... 

We´ve let so many oportunities go...

I´m sorry, and if you read this, I know you´ll know it´s about you, and I don´t even mind, I don´t mind you knowing how I feel (I never have), and if you think I´m crazy, I don´t mind either. 

It´s just Septembers... they make me feel this way. 

[makrof]

Going crazy here

Ooooh life… Such a MAGNIFICENT THING!!!! Lucky for us we have this disgusting looking thing called a BRAIN! and makes everything what it is. yes. Is what we`re seeing real? Is this some kind of a joke? What if oxygen makes us hallucinate!? But wait.. everything makes sense. And so do dreams, yes. Except for in dreams we don`t really have a memory. Maybe life is real, and as I was reading this morning, some awesome scientists ¨Michio Kaku¨ just said there IS a stronger force, a God… according to some discovery he made, which i honestly didn´t understand. 

I used to be an atheist, I was even a Buddhist for some time or at least tried to be (it´s so hard!!)… Anyway, recently I´ve had some amazing things happen to me, things which have proven to me the existence of God as well, without me nothing a single thing about particles (I do a little). All of these things I´ve seen and experimented are INCREDIBLE, so incredible it´s sometimes hard for me to even believe them. I also recently read this book ¨The Magic¨ a commercial book for anyone to read, telling us how we have to be grateful about everything in our life to get more of what we´re greatful for. I got to a point where I was even being thankful for my finger nails. (yes I was, and am). I followed what the book said, and SURPRISE SURPISE… I got what I wanted. I mean, is life some kind of a joke???? Like, why haven´t anyone told me about this?? And what´s with this book ¨The Secret¨? Its funny but its also real… I we pretend we have something and really believe it,,, we get it. Yup. I was wondering WHYYYYYY I´ve lived my whole life without this…. and reading through the bible one day… THERE IT WAS! No secret people! .. but wait. Not everything is convenient for everyone. HAHA! And boy! The universe knows this! 

UGHHHH!!!! I´ve had such a bad day and its so STUPiIIIDDDDDD1!!!! Does it even matter??? is it even real? Like why the hell would the ¨universes give me a bad day!?!?! WHATS THE PLAN!?!?!?  Damn recurrence. :S 

[makrof]

Sometimes...

Not always, but sometimes I see shadows. Specifically when I'm listening to really loud music. I wonder if it has something to do with dizziness or is it just paranoia someone is coming or calling for me while I can't listen.