malkomishle98-blog

[malkomishle98-blog]

Why does everything have to be so hard? Even now while I’m writing I am not confident about posting any of that. It is so much easier to erase everything you typed in bc it is not even on paper to toss away. Hashtag going green, lazy and who knows what else.  Today is a good day on the outside. It finally stopped raining since two weeks ago. The sun woke me up shining through my window. I was in the arms of a handsome tall guy who is In A Relationship With Me (Miss Misunderstood as P!NK would say). I thought it was 10 in the morning and everybody was out for the day. I thought that it was just the two of us. I imagined we would make some coffee, sth easy for breakfast and stay together all day doing nothing bc let’s face it - we’re perfect for that. Then we would browse through our social media as if our lives depend on it (I am not sure whether they rlly do). Then we would chat about some gossips or memes or the new Jenners Family Drama.  Then I would get frustrated bc we ain’t doing anything “together” and I’d tell him to go get sth done. After that we’re probably gonna watch a movie, talk about his absence from work and whether he will or will not be fired the next day. We were gonna tell each other “I love you!”and keep scrolling aimlessly through our news feed.  Is this normal?  I know most of the people nowadays don’t even have this kind of “communication”. They are always in a hurry for work, the trendiest new Ishit, PlayShit, Xshit oooor... Football Shit. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with having hobbies or loving a sport/game/virtuality. I’m saying that if you ask me (and even if you don’t you’re reading this anyway) these things are made for killing boredom, not creating it!!! What I mean is... Why should you ignore your “other half” when you can be with them, talk with them, cuddle with them. Why should I be tolerant to someone to whom I give my all and at the same time does not have most of his time freed for me?  Why should I get up every day, clean our room, open the windows for fresh air despite the fact that I’ll be cold. Why should I cook, stay imprisoned in this house bc I do know anyone here (we moved 5 months ago), just to feel pushed away at the end of the day bc my boy does not feel the need to spend all of his time with me.  I cannot get used to being ignored. Can you?  Imagine the only person you count on every day comes back from work, takes a shower, goes downstairs for a cigarette, plays his game/watches his show then goes upstairs, starts touching you and kissing you. You eventually have sex if of course he is not tired after the tough day at work and start scrolling again.  Why do I feel like I need more of my existence? Why is the “basic life” not enough for me? Is this the reason why I suffered so many years? Is this the definition of “being healthy and happy”?  If this is it, I want to say that I am BORED TO DEATH with it. If this is life after it stops being so hard, I don’t want it, I don’t need it draining my energy.  In the end all I know, all I want to do is to be left on my own with no one asking me what’s wrong. Because if they understood life the way I did, they would be bored as well.  I am writing bc I am bored, bc I have so many things to say and it feels like no one understands but anyway I know that if God brought me here, at this time, at this place, there have to be more people who think like me, who seek oldschool friendship, fun and bottle games. Karaoke, laugh and morning tea talk. I need a friend. That’s all.  It is not the same having a partner and a friend.  Anyway, it wasn’t at all ten in the morning, it was 7:42. His uncles had not yet left for work and I woke up to someone knocking at my door and asking my partner if he is going to work. I slipped away from his tightened warm arms around me and checked my phone. Told him he still has time to go to work.  He got so mad. Tried jumping out of the bed and then I caught his arm and asked him not to go like that. Asked him to calm down. Last night was enough fighting, I was thinking. He wasn’t.  He didn’t show up again after leaving the bed. And went to work. He didn’t want to go in the first place. Every time we had a fight he stopped going. I was just afraid we was going to get fired and my shifts right now at the fast food won’t be enough to cover our bills.  Also, if I have to be honest, I do not remember a full week of him going to work. I have a feeling that this whole story will not end well.  Now I’m sitting here, leaving the trash from my soul inside a social platform hoping that someone will understand and not judge, that anyone would even read this, that after someone reads how stupid I’m feeling, it will brighten their day. Thank you, Tumblr, for letting me say what I think without a scandal coming on the way, without misunderstanding me, without telling me I’m wrong bc right now, this is the only thing I need and here is the only way to express this.

[malkomishle98-blog]