mars82-blog

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Last night I meditated. I never do that, but I cant begin to explain the clarity I felt afterwards. I complain, yes. But i dont change things. I need to start the change. First I need to change myself, I need to lead my way. Im in charge of me. Im refocusing my energy on myself. To be a happier person. And a happier mother. Anyone know any good books to help guide the way ? Meditation. Positivity. Life. Mind. Self exploration??

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2.22.16

I have days when I feel numb to my life - today is one of those days. -bleh

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This is the year im going back to school. My daughter needs to know what a strong woman is. I need to be more of a positive role model. #healthcare #business #mgmt #admin

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staying motivated

It’s been a while since I’ve entered anything into my blog. Sometimes I honestly don’t know what to write about. My life is pretty routine, the usual day in and day out. Work, Home, Work, Home. I am starting to realize I am getting bored of the usual. I love everything in my life, but I think it’s time to change things around. I need to push myself to do more. I am always so scared of doing things out of MY norm. I am scared to take risks. I am scared of trying and failing. So I stay in a safe zone. I stay in my corner and don’t bother anyone. This behavior of mine has been my whole life. Always scared of being embarrassed; but I’m not liking this anymore. It’s holding me back from big things. I have so much to offer the world but I hide it. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to live. I want to shine. I am inspired. I feel motivated. I don’t know where it’s coming from, but I’m not going to question it. I am going to embrace it, I am going to use this excitement within my soul to better myself. I am in a place where I love myself and I want to take care of myself. Not only with health, but with knowledge. I am going to go back to school, this year. I promise myself this. I want to have a higher education; I want to learn… and want to fill my brain with interesting things I never knew. I want to show Bella that with a good education, with confidence you can achieve anything. I want to clean my body from all the toxins I have put into it these last few years, my 20’s were a disaster to my body and I want to clean it up. I want to cut alcohol and smoking out of my life, for good. I want to join a group of some kind, maybe a book club, or a women’s rights group, or a health and fitness team … I don’t know. But I need to surround myself with people I want to be like. My heart is open and ready to take anything that comes my way. I am ready to take the steps necessary to create the life that I want for me and for my family. No more being scared, who cares? People will always laugh or talk … but at the end of the day, I am the one who has to support myself. I wish that I would have been more confident in my 20’s and told myself about what the future would be like. Nobody ever told me. Nobody ever really encouraged me. Nobody ever taught me about taxes and check book balancing. I learned those my own way, the hard way. I’m still learning. I know this; Bella will know all these things before middle school. I want her to know everything. I want her to understand life. I don’t speak to her like she’s a 5 year old, I speak to her like a grown up. Adult words… no baby talk. And for me, for us, it works. Her vocabulary amazes me, her thoughts and ideas make me question myself sometimes, and she’s a smart girl. I don’t want her to be naïve about things. She’s free to opinionate in our family discussions; I encourage her to talk to us about anything. I think in my parenting style, It will help her in the future to be open and confident. I would never shame her on anything. I was shamed a lot as a child and that made me into this shy, quiet girl who was afraid of answering questions in class due to fear of being wrong and feeling embarrassed. Now as a 32 year old woman, I have anxiety … ANXIETY! I don’t want that ... it’s debilitating. That’s not who I want to be. I want to talk to people more, I want to have random conversations with strangers, I want to know people ideas and thoughts. No more - quick hello, look down and smile and walk away. That’s been me for too long. I want to stop, look people in the eyes and say Hi. Stay motivated Marlene. Just stay motivated.

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i need a sign...

Am I headed towards single mom life? Is this seriously happening to me? After 12 years, I think we are finally hitting the breaking point. It’s so unfortunate because I never wanted this. I hope I am wrong. I am praying for a sign.

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Open a book this minute and start reading. Don’t move until you’ve reached page fifty. Until you’ve buried your thoughts in print. Cover yourself with words. Wash yourself away. Dissolve.

Carol Shields, The Republic of Love (via purplebuddhaproject)

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Beginnings for 2015

Lately I have been feeling like I need to make some major changes in my life. I am at a point where everything is just standing still. I am so scared to take a leap though, but I think it's time. We have finally come to a balance at home, financially we are getting through our days better than we have ever, both of us working keeps a steady flow of income, allows us to pay all of our bills on time and still have money left for fun and things we want. However, it's still minimal. We recently purchased to new car, a nice new car that after being diligent with our payments, our credit is looking a bit nicer. Right now, I am stuck between having another baby, going back to school or saving to buy a house. All 3 of these things take time and effort, being 32 ... I have to really think what it is that is most important for my family. Bella is dying for a sibling, every day she asks me if Jesus is sending our baby soon. Having a baby will take a big toll on us financially. Not sure if I am ready for that. I can decide to go to school, maybe take the next 3 years making it happen ... by that time when I am done, I'll be 35, maybe going on 36. I could still make having a baby happen after that, but it's risky. Or we can buy a home, save all our penny's yet still probably have to work my butt off working to pay my mortgage and then my plans for travel in the future would be ruined. See, this is when I wish I would have listened to my mom when I was 20. But, no I was stubborn and thought I knew everything. Thought life was easier that what it really is. Anyway, I am stuck and not taking any steps forward. I am kind of just standing here not knowing which direction to go. Some people tell me to pray on it. But, since I am not very religious and attend church maybe once a year, it feels hypocritical of me. So, I would hate to be the person who only prays when they need something. I want so much for Bella, so I know I need to move ... and I need to move fast. I feel I have a mind block right now. I go over this in my brain in the middle of the night hoping I get that " Aha!" moment and figure out what I am supposed to do. But, no ... I wake up rushing to get out the door, get my Bella to school and start my day at the office, sifting through paperwork, auditing charts. I think about 10 years from today and know I will be somewhere better. I love my job, don't get me wrong. The pay is well, I make more than enough to take care of my family, thank god that I have this in my life, I am grateful for it. But, I know that there is more, I am smart and I have a lot of offer the world, I know I do. I need a little more training of course, education is one of the most important things in life, something I hope Bella takes advantage of. I needed to get this off my chest, because talking to myself at 3 am isn't helping much. Once I get anxiety, it's hard to sleep. I need to find the answer I am looking for. I need direction. I love my family and I only want to give them a good life. I want to see the world, at least a small portion of it if I am able to before I die. I want Bella to know she had a mom who would do anything to make her happy. I will do what it takes. I will pray, meditate, research, work hard, find myself... and what I want out of this life. xoxo, Me.

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You don’t choose who you fall in love with, do you? And once you do fall in love—that obsessive sort of love, that all-consuming love, where two people can’t stand to be apart from each other for even a moment—how are you supposed to let a love like that pass you by?

Jordan Belfort, The Wolf Of Wall Street (via purplebuddhaproject)

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The person in life that you will always be with the most, is yourself. Because even when you are with others, you are still with yourself, too! When you wake up in the morning, you are with yourself, laying in bed at night you are with yourself, walking down the street in the sunlight you are with yourself.What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself, and it’s your responsibility to be that person you want to be with. I know I want to spend my life with a person who knows how to let things go, who’s not full of hate, who’s able to smile and be carefree. So that’s who I have to be.

 C. JoyBell C. (via purplebuddhaproject)

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Is that a Great First-Half 2015 Book Preview I see? 

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A very wise friend of mine has told me this from day 1. Think positive and positive things will happen.

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I recently purchased an album by "Sam Smith - In the Lonely Hour" and I can't stop listening to it. driving... showering...at work... cooking.... I am in love with his voice. Music for my soul,

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Happy Tuesday! 12.2.14

Finally some rain. Love this weather, yes… I’d much rather be in the comfort of my own bed under my feather down comforter topped by my fleece blanket … but, I must work. Nevertheless, I love hearing the rain trickling outside, I have my hot coffee in hand and I’m ready to take on the day. Plus this gives me the perfect excuse to pop out my new boots (finally) and my pretty scarves, tie my hair up in a bun and I’m set to go. I can’t flat iron my hair, this weather makes my not so straight hair very curly and frizzy, but I have the perfect solution for that; A bun split down the middle, add some coconut oil to keep it frizzles and it works wonders for me. Craving some soup for lunch, maybe PHO or Udon … sounds perfect for today, maybe some warm tea in the afternoon before heading home. Hope everyone has an amazing day =)

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