masterdevil

[masterdevil]

I just wrote a long post only to find it didn’t

There’s always tomorrow

[masterdevil]

Practicing my rusty drawing by drawing imperfect circles

[masterdevil]

How important am i ?

I mean everyone i knew didn't want me or is ashamed of me usually some one random, (like i used to do) would say i matter i probably matter to someone, to be honest as long as im just standing or walking very slowly i wont matter no body would like to cripple their daily life unless the person is related to them, that's why some people decide to life alone, their parents are getting old, their friends are not helpful anymore, they need their space, to find ways to handle the present moment to handle responsibilities more carefully as far as this rant goes it made me miss my old lonely those days that i used to have the time to think, now the responsibilities are haunting me, i cant face them while everyone else just ask me to handle my fate. "Do IT NOW OR HAVE A MISERABLE LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR PEERS AND HOW MUCH YOU SHOULD BE LIKE THEM PLEASE IGNORE THEIR IMPERFECTIONS AS WE ARE THE ONLY SUPERIOR AMONGST ALL " That's how I interpreted their requests all the time instead of telling me how you just remind me of how useless i am i. Your eyes, you made me forget how amazing i was, how I could achieve for something that I should do for myself yet you claim it as your own achievement and just brand it pride.

[masterdevil]

When you realize you decide on nothing because Morgana owns you.

[masterdevil]

What did i do ?

Well then, yesterday was confusing for me, i lost a “friend” so suddenly. maybe one of the reasons, i wanted do things i’m trying to do, i feel motivated and unmotivated i don’t know if this is a new beginning or not.  she was a part of my life not the most important, just somehow important, she was a person i wanted to be inspiring me to do stuff i didn’t want to do ,i’ve been trying to be her friend for a long time, i always failed since i wanted to look as best or smart or just well adjusted as possible, im just not the best social person there is. I just woke up really early today not sure if it was the weather or the shock or the overthinking that i’ve been having for the past 4 hours, i’m not exactly feeling well, my stomach hasn’t been this sick for a long time, i haven't been this confused for a long time, i haven’t been this frustrated for a long time. i feel sick , i'm excessively sweating, i'm slightly stiff and unreasonably alert, maybe because i don’t want something like this to happen again, I really don’t want something like this to happen again, I feel sorry for the weird stuff i’ve done and being this borderline creepy, i’m writing this right now to not feel regret everyday like i always do about “major events” like this, i hope i hope this teaches me something about socializing even though the details from her side is really vague, even though i decided to not run away days ago this won’t discourage me anymore about other people.

I’m so sorry for what ever happened with you, i hope you feel safe now. I hope you have a better life now  I hope you life gets better, Don’t push people away 

[masterdevil]

How my life should have been but i’m just lazy

How my unknown anxiety might have ruined my life... hmm, im not sure how to start this since it’s hard but i guess i’ll just jump from time to time about how my probably impossible to diagnose mental illness i’m currently reading a DBT Workbook trying to help myself but i guess pritnting the exercise sheets are too much of work for me ( i don’t own a printer ).

I am having financial problems, my confidence of doing a good job and having responsibilities towards them is a hard, it’s my 4th year of college and i just don’t know what to do with myself i just wish that i can know what to do like  the rest of people who care about their carreer i’m becoming the very person i was afraid to be, a person who struggles to find a job, a person who is lazy, a person who lacks skills, a person who doesn’t care about the work he makes, a lazy useless person, i hate lazy people yet i became one. how silly that my life has turned into this emptiness, I don’t know what i want, what i actually want anymore, i think i want to study and be successful but all i do is just being lazy and just studying for the last day, like i  always did since middle school.

i’m having problems with talking to people, i feel really disconnected from people even the ones that share my same interests that 

[masterdevil]

شيل معايا ١

العادات، حجات الواحد بيعملها كل يوم سعات من غير ما يفكر، العادات هي اللي بتخلي الواحد ليه معنى، قيمة، او بتقللها. انا للاسف حياتي مليانة بعادات وحشة عاداتي كلها متعلقة بمتعتي، يمكن دا يكون رد فعل على اجباري على الإلتزام، انا النهاردة يومي ملئ بصراعات نفسية اخرها فوز رغباتي فوق امالي، انا امالي كتيرة منها اللي متعلقة بعاداتي الحالية و منها اللي متعلق بالبيئة اللي حوليا، انا نفسي في حجات كتير و لكن هل التضحية بالمتعة اللي انا فيها هتنفع ؟، الناس كلها بتقللي الدنيا لازم يبقى فيها معناة و تعب. حاليا انا بحاول و لكن حاسس اني فعلا مريض محتاج يتربط في سجن و يغسلو دماغه عشان يتعالج، عايز ابقى انسان غير مألوف لمعارفي، انا عايز ثقة في نفسي عايز احس بأني فعلا بقدم و بفيد نفسي، مبحبش اساعد حد ولا حد يساعدني، تقريبا من كتر مالناس اللي اعرفها بيعرفوني و ينسوني، تقريبا محدش فاكرني انا في الضياع الذي لا مجال له من الرجعة، عشان كدة انا نفسي اتغير ابقى احسن الناس تتعرف عليا في اي مكان، نفسي الناس تقول اني فعلا انسان مجتهد في شئ غير مألوف و لكن هل رغباتي بالمتعة هتساعدني ؟ صعب، لسببً اني متعلمتش اجتهد متعلمتش الاقي المتعة في الوصول إلى نتيجة بصورة جذابة، يمكن اجتهادي كله في العابي، و لكن في اللي ممكن يجتهد اكتر مني و كمان يشتغل و يكسب فلوس مخصوص عشان كدة بس هل انا اهل الكلام ده ؟

[masterdevil]

[masterdevil]

Lol i cant draw I tried though

[masterdevil]

Trying a comparison between instagram and original

[masterdevil]

Testing a b&w photography app That controls focus and flash

[masterdevil]

'Nope' what? :c

Sorry...

[masterdevil]

Everyone who reblogs this will get a skeleton joke in their inbox

[masterdevil]

I already make my plans 3 months ahead

[masterdevil]

Holy shit, this is the greatest

[masterdevil]

[masterdevil]

Today i dreamt about my crush, i would say she was having fun with friends of her.. The rest feels weird to describe but its what normal people do..